Queen of Angst

Despite Shawn not having said anything, y/n had noticed that he was starting to take it to heart.

A chill meeting at one of his mate's houses for one of their birthday's seemed decent enough. The rapid beat of her chest in her heart seemed to tell y/n otherwise. The nerves slowly eating her alive with no chance of stopping until they consumed her.

Stumbling up the steps close behind Shawn, realization dawned on y/n. It was too late to turn back.

Shawn's hand took y/n's in his, pulling her closer to him. The wide smile he offered brightening his whole face sending a tsunami of butterflies through y/n. She would walk through a lake of burning lava if it meant seeing that smile.

With his free hand, Shawn knocked on the door.

"Can you relax," He chuckled, knocking their clasped hands at y/n's shaking leg. "You're acting like I'm forcing you into a cage with a hungry lion."

"I'm sorry, I can't help it!" Y/n cried, hiding her anxiety behind a smile. "You know how awkward I am when meeting new people. I still cringe at the memory of meeting your parents."

Shawn barked out a laugh at the reminder.

"My mum is still trying to get the orange soda stain out of her white rug."

Y/n nudged Shawn's arm as the image of herself spilling orange soda after shaking so much when his dad had asked her what she was studying. Y/n couldn't help but shudder at the embarrassment and made a mental note to buy his parents a new white rug to replace the one she had destroyed.

"That's not funny!" Y/n groaned.

Before Shawn could say anything the door swung open. The guy who opened the door immediately hugged Shawn causing him to drop y/n's hand and ushered him inside.

"You must be y/n! I'm Brian." The guy turned to y/n and smiled before pulling her into a hug as if they already knew each other. Not sure what else to do, y/n gave Brian a hug before pulling away and clinging to Shawn's arm.

A small group of people immediately began greeting them. Shawn lamely tried to introduce them all to y/n not knowing that she would forget their names before they even had a chance to register in her brain.

"Shawn, what can I get you to drink man?" Brian asked following them into the living room where they had found a quite place to sit in the corner.

"A beer."

"And what about you y/n?" Brian turned his attention to her.

Y/n offered an attempt of a sweet smile despite her growing nerves. "I'm fine thanks."

"Are you sure? I've got wine, beer, shots, whatever you want." Brian continued.

"No, I'm alright." Y/n smiled wider as if that would convince him.

"Y/n doesn't drink." Shawn said loud enough for the eight people scattered through out the room to hear. Y/n's face flushed as everyone's attention fell on her.

She hated how everyone always reacted when they found out she didn't drink, like she was some type of Alien from another planet.

"What? Why?" Said the blonde guy seated across from them who y/n couldn't name to save her life.

"I just don't like drinking." She shrugged offering a small laugh fueled by nerves.

"So you've never tried alcohol?" The girl beside her asked, clearly shocked.

Y/n laughed a genuine laugh this time, "No, I've tried alcohol before. I just don't like drinking. I'd rather be present in the moment and I hate the way that it messes with my head."

Y/n waited for the judgemental stares and the more questions or peer pressure to drink that usually followed but nothing came. The girl beside her shrugged before taking a swing from her beer then complimented y/n on her shoes.

Most of the time she preferred to stay home because when people found out she didn't drink they automatically assumed she wasn't fun. But with Shawn's friends she didn't once feel awkward. They all went on as if it were nothing at all. Brian was the first to come up to her and start talking to her but before Y/n knew it she was conversing with everyone comfortably. So much that she hadn't realized that Shawn had ended up at the other end of the room until he had locked eyes with him. He offered her a knowing smile, winking before turning back to his conversation.

She didn’t fight it, knowing that against it she had no power.

Immediately the smile disappeared from Shawn’s face, shifting like a mask into concern.

“What’s wrong?”

He knew her too well. Better than she did herself.

He had been watching her closely these past few weeks, had noticed her spiraling downhill before she had become aware of it. But all she could do was shrug it off.

There was too much happening right now for her to focus on her downturn. All she could do was take every distraction gratefully until it overcame her the way it did now.

She forced a smile. A smile she knew Shawn would not buy.

“Nothing. Go out, have fun with the boys.”

It was so rare that Shawn got anytime to do what he wanted, she didn’t want to ruin that now.

Gently she pushed past him hoping to dismiss the topic before it began.

But Shawn was too stubborn for that.

He would not let it go. That was what she admired most about him; how much he cared for those he loved.

His gentle grip wrapped around y/n’s arm stopping her from pushing past him.

Her attention snapped up to meet his gaze, the gentle hand on her nothing compared to those fragile brown eyes. Those eyes that would always be her undoing.

“Don’t push me away. You can’t keep doing that.” He whispered.

There it was, the lump in his throat. Fueled by the fear. The fear, she now realized, of losing her.

“Shawn don’t worry about me. Just go, you need this.”

“Y/n-”

He wouldn’t let it go, she knew that.

Y/n wasn’t angry, she wasn’t upset that Shawn was pushing the topic. She felt guilty. Guilt for the fact that she was bringing Shawn down with her.

He didn’t need that. Didn’t deserve that.

If she would not stop her down spiral for her sake, she would do it for Shawn’s.

“You’re right, I can’t keep pushing you away.”

She shifted her body so they now stood facing each other. He didn’t need to hold her back for her to listen.

“Go out, have fun, and then when you come back we can talk.” She reassured him.

The concern was gone from his face but he still did not look convinced.

“Y/n, I’m not going to have fun if I know you’re at home in a state like this.”

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh to herself.

How could she be lucky enough to have such a genuine, loving, man and still be miserable inside.

Communication would be the only thing to stop the ache inside her from tearing them apart.

She had already let that horrific monster in her chest separate her from everyone else, she would not let it take Shawn too.

“Right now I need space and time to gather myself, by the time you come home I would have had that. If I fall asleep wake me up, I want to talk.”

Doubt crossed his features but y/n knew he would give in, because she had asked for it he would give it to her. But it would not ease his worries.

She hated it. Hated how worried he was for her.

“I’ll be fine.” She stepped forward wrapping her arms around his toned body.

The warmth immediately engulfing her.

Her face nuzzled into the croak of his neck, his body contracting against her’s as he moved his arms to wrap around her body.

In that moment she was safe. Hidden away from the world- from that darkness within her.

“I love you.” He whispered into her hair.

A reminder. That someone cared for her more than any words could describe.

She pulled away enough to look into his eyes.

“I know.” She reassured him.” I love you.”

His soft lips pressed against her forehead. Shivers raked up her  spine at the affectionate touch.

Knowing that Shawn would not leave unless she kicked him out, she walked him to the door.

With one last long look from Shawn, y/n knowing he would try to fight her on her decision again, y/n bid him a goodbye before closing the door and locking it behind him.

  ***

 A whisper of her name, and a small gentle tap on her shoulder was enough to have y/n waking up from her slumber.

She hadn’t meant to fall asleep. Y/n wanted to wait up for Shawn, figure out what she would say to him when he did come home, but she had been so exhausted.

Drained.

Every small action felt like it took so much out of her. And before she knew it she was asleep and grateful for it.

She would have stayed asleep had she not given Shawn her word.

That was what had her pushing  herself up in bed and rubbing the sleep from her eyes hoping she didn’t look like a sleep deprived wreck.

The reassuring thought was that even if she did she knew Shawn would not love her any less for it.

Shawn handed her a cup of tea that she took from his hands with a grateful smile at his consideration.

“How was your night?”

“It was good, the boys say hi.”

Y/n couldn’t help but watch in awe as Shawn changed.

She didn’t believe him, she knew him better than that. Though he had been there physically mentally he would have been worlds away.

Guilt consumed her yet again. Even hours later it was just as strong as before.

She had ruined his night, the one night when he wasn’t supposed to worry about anything and she had made him worry about her.

Y/n’s gaze found her mug, playing with the string of the teabag in hopes of a distraction.

“I’m empty.” She admitted barley above a whisper.

After almost two hours of thinking that had been all she could come up with.

The bed shifted as Shawn took his place on the bed beside her.

Before y/n could register it, or stop it, the tears were falling from her eyes.

Silent tears, tired tears, the tears that hurt the most because there was no controlling them.

Scared she would spill her hot tea, thanks to her shaking hands, she placed her mug on the bed side table aware that Shawn watched her every movement with a forcefully intent.

“I just feel empty inside.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Shawn took y/n’s hand in his, the one she had been using to shield her face where he hair hadn’t done so.

“I don’t know.” The sobbing began.

Shawn moved closer to y/n quickly, as if his life depended on it.

But y/n didn’t need comfort in this very moment. She needed to let it out, to talk about it. And the only person she would ever feel comfortable doing that with was Shawn.

“It’s like there is nothing left inside me. I’m completely numb to everything. I don’t have any dreams, I don’t feel anything, I just don’t know anymore.”

Her words came out broken, her sobbing harsh. She barley registered what she was saying. Everything felt so distant, as if she were in a far off world.

Shawn sprung into action, taking y/n into his arms.

Now she needed his comfort.To know she wasn’t alone.

He hated seeing her so broken, so alone, knowing he couldn’t do anything to help. He wished he had the power to take her pain away.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shhh.” Shawn hummed not wanting to hear her apologies for something that was out of her control. “ Don’t ever apologies for how you feel; to me or anyone else.”

“But-”

“Y/n, what’s important right now is to take it easy. Stop ignoring your emotions and stop pretending for others- especially me. For now just focus on yourself and what makes you happy, we will figure out the rest as it comes. Right now you just need time.”

Y/n didn’t listen to his words, right now they wouldn’t register but in the morning they would.

Not when her chest felt hollow as if the pain inside of her was eating her away bit by bit.

All she could do right now was let it out. From crying to rants that didn’t make sense.

She sat close to Shawn, her head rested on his chest and her cup of tea long forgotten as she finally released things she hadn’t realized had been bothering her.

Until eventually she tired and slowly began to drift off to sleep.

Only this time feeling lighter than she had in a long time.

Though her throat was raw from all the sobbing and her eyes tired from the crying, the heavy weight had finally lifted from her chest. And for the moment she was free.

She didn’t know if the freedom would last or if the pain would come back once she woke. But for the moment she was okay, and with time it would be better again.

She just needed to wait for the darkness to pass and the light to rise.

With an eye roll Shawn obliged with a nod.

“Do you miss me when you’re away?”

Deep down y/n knew the answer, but there was still that small part of her that doubted it.

“Of course I do. I’m offended you would ask such a question.”

Ignoring his remark, y/n gestured for Shawn to take his turn.

“Do you miss me when I’m away?”

She was feeding his ego, she knew that, but regardless she and answered with an offended, “Of course I do.”

“Dumbest thing you’ve ever done on tour?”

They were starting easy, just to warm into things, but when the time came things would get messy.

Y/n, attempting to be daring, took a shot for fun.

Shawn’s wide eyed look of surprise feeding her confidence.

Shawn quickly followed suit before answering.

“Long story short; there was a spider in the hotel bathroom, I got scared and ended up locked out of my room with nothing but a towel wrapped around my lower regions.”

Y/n’s shriek of laughter was the response that Shawn had prepared for but had not wanted to hear.

He mumbled under his breath, “I’m not drunk enough for this stupid game.” Before downing another shot while y/n regained herself from her laughing fit.

The game continued with more embarrassing moments shared.

The fact that the two were comfortable enough to share such information with each other made the game a sober struggle so they opted for more shots for fun as the questions were answered truthfully.

“Tell me about your first kiss.”

Shawn only now realized that he didn’t know much about y/n’s dating life before they moved in together. It wasn’t like she shared the information with him, he just happened to see it play out.

“I was eighteen, he was my first boyfriend.”

Y/n trailed off as if trying to remember the moment clearly in her fuzzy brain.

“Physically it was good- he told me I was a great kisser.” She offered proudly. “But I didn’t feel anything for him so it didn’t feel as magical as I thought it should.”

“Have you had better kisses since then?”

“Hey!” Y/n pointed an accusing finger Shawn’s way as she filled up her shot glass again. “It’s my turn to ask a question. Don’t cheat.”

Her words were becoming harder to think of, her tongue now a loose canon going by its own rules.

“If given the chance would you sleep with me?”

Some distant part of her mind was screaming not to walk such dangerous territory but that part was too far away to be considered relevant.

Shawn’s eyes widened, but just as quickly he snapped out of it. His eyes raked up and down y/n’s body, not in a perverted way, more as if he was contemplating his options.

“Like side by side in the same bed?”

He knew what she meant, he was stalling.

“No, like sex.” She groaned growing impatient. His brown eyes, holding an intensity she had never seen before, met her’s.

“Yes.”

Y/n’s insides tightened.

Forgetting how to breath she had to look away to gain some type of sanity.

“If you could sleep with anyone in the world, who would it be?”

Y/n didn’t hesitate. She reached for the shot and downed it without a second thought.

She knew the answer which was why she could never say it.

Her mind constantly trailed to what it might be like to be Shawn’s, but she dismissed the thought before it could blossom into anything else. It would do more harm then good.

“Coward.” Shawn called her out.

“I’m not telling you.”

“And why not?” A cocky grin was plastered across Shawn’s face.

He knew. She wasn’t sure how, but he knew.

“Because. As if I’m going to tell you that you’re the guy I want to sleep with.” Y/n blurted out before she could stop herself.

Realizing when it was to late.

Y/n let out an audible gasp, her hand flying to her mouth as if she could stop herself from saying anything else.

She didn’t dare look at Shawn. Not after what she had just admitted.

Her insides were as heavy as dried cement as she waited for Shawn to say something.

But he didn’t.

He sat  quietly, not even looking at her.

It would have hurt less if he laughed in her face, or even made fun of her. In that moment y/n realized how much she held onto the hope that things would one day change between her and Shawn. That between the two something might actually grow.

Between all the flirting and the constant teasing each other she had fallen for him hopelessly. All those days she counted the time it would take for him to reply. Kept up with the date until he would come home.

And he didn’t feel the same back. Y/n mumbled something about needing a break before pushing herself up and hurrying to the safety that was her room.

She told herself not to cry, that it wasn’t worth it, that it was nothing. But she couldn’t help it.

It was why she hadn’t been able to date, why she couldn’t stand the thought of kissing anyone else. Because she wanted Shawn. She wanted him so badly, but he didn’t feel the same way back.

A knock came at the door five minutes later causing y/n to mentally groan but remain silent.

“Can we talk?”

Y/n didn’t answer.

In this moment it would be easier to just shut out all emotions instead of facing the heartache that was sure to come.

Shawn sat beside y/n, the bed shifting beneath his weight.

Growing impatient with the silence that was agony, y/n was about to tell Shawn to just say it when Shawn decided to take matters into his own hands.

Before y/n could even register the movement, which she was sure was part of Shawn’s plan. His hand had her cheek cupped and his lips were on hers.

At first her reaction was delayed.

Until she grasped what was happening.

Shawn was kissing her. And she wasn’t kissing back.

Her body fell into sync not long after. Her lips moving with his.

The stone cold cement within her melting to warm butter on hot toast. This was all she wanted, all she had hoped for.

She knew it was reckless to put so much emotion into wanting a guy but in this moment it all felt worth it. Until reality came crushing down on her.

She pulled away sooner than she would have like to, and sooner than Shawn had anticipated as his lips lingered close to here clearly wanting more.

“Shawn, I don’t just want sex.” She whispered against his lips not daring to open her eyes in fear that she might fall apart completely. “If we do this, it has to be the real thing.”

“Y/n you’re forgetting that I know you better than anyone, yourself included.” He paused, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Taking that as a yes, she pulled away to regain herself. Her ,one a mess of all types of emotions.

“You and your stupid games just had to ruin everything.”

Shawn gave a hearty laugh. The sound sending shivers down her spine

. “This is what I was hoping would happen. Except for the fact that you’re crying right now.”

“What happened to asking a girl out the old fashion way."Y/n shrieked earning her another laugh from Shawn.

It was impossible not to smile at the sight of him in that moment.

"You know I’m an emotional drunk.”

The events of tonight were nothing in comparison to what usually went down.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

She gave him a playful push at the obvious amusement laced on his features.

“Leave me alone.” She mumbled turning away from him.

He twisted his body so he was in front of y/n yet again. His hands cupping her face, his lips close enough that his warm breath against her own lips was enough to cause shivers to run down her spine.