My Brain Clusters

I think it takes caring for the dying Fitzjames for Crozier to finally fully realize that Jopson has had life figured out all along (hence no arc for Jopson). Care-giving and domestic labor are the actual foundations of living, and Jopson learned that in childhood/adolescence when he had to take on those roles.

Bridgens has things figured out as well. Watching Bridgens and Peglar is like a preview for the death (and life) Jopson should have had (Peglar is even dressed like Jopson, there's an age gap, deck captain/steward, etc.): calm, private, gentle, with his partner at his side.

Prior to Fitzjames's death, I think Crozier sees these care-giving tasks as something that has less value/low status. He wants something "better" (more military/powerful/high status) for Jopson (immediately having Jopson take up a gun after nursing him through withdrawal [Crozier is also desperate to get back on top of things, literally above everyone on the box... that Jopson helped him climb onto]). He thinks Jopson has better things to do than shave his captain's face; Jopson thinks there is no better thing to do than care for the one you love.

So when, after losing Fitzjames ("Are you comfortable..." "Are you certain...") and Blanky ("What do you need?"), Crozier shows up to care for Jopson, it is with horrifying levels of awareness and regret for what could and should have been and what matters, and a manic, desperate grasping for composure and distraction via this story they both know by rote. But also with these very specific, significant touches to the same intimate places Jopson (who, he finally realizes, has loved him unconditionally all along) has most often touched him. Ugh.

I'm almost 19 years into my relationship with my partner and we've both been sick and needed help. Grown people caring for grown ailing people is normal and doesn't turn the recipient of care into a child. Thomas Jopson is a grown-ass man. I do think Crozier initially struggles with that thought though, due to the age/power/status/class gaps between them and guilt/discomfort with them. But damn, watching them throughout the Fitzjames punch, Blanky's amputation, and the "I'm going to be unwell" scenes, you see the walls around their roles ripped to shreds. Jopson is visibly furious, and Crozier is beside himself realizing that he has fucked up badly enough to hurt both of his beloved Thomases. And realizing that things do still matter, even when they're ultimately doomed (in fact, everything is always ultimately doomed)*. He wants Jopson in his lap reassuring him that he's still loved (he's patting the table so close to himself) and approving of him again. Meanwhile, Jopson can barely look at him, he's so loudly, gloriously pissed off, and Crozier knows it's justified and says nothing about it. Only that he wants Jopson here for this. Ugh ugh ugh. "Joppers, baby, I'm going to Phantom Thread myself for you."

*There's a Joan Didion interview in which the interviewer says, "There's a certain esthetic to the way you live. You once talked about using good silver every day." And Didion replies, "Well every day is all there is." And I often think about these characters learning/failing to learn that lesson.