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I don't want to move

I don't want to think

what am I trying to prove?

I'm cold but I don't want heat

I crave the sun's warmth but sit in shade

I lay down and sink and watch as I fade

all my smiles are forced

but most don't notice of course

and now I'm sitting here watching this robin

and I find myself envious of its simplicity

bc this bird, this little robin

will never know the burden of ones own toxicity

he'll never know the trials of complex thoughts

violent intrusive thoughts that rack my brain and make me see spots

awful self loathing thoughts

that make me so mad

that make me so sad

bc those thoughts are not mine

or maybe they are. but where is the line?

I don't want to think them

but regardless they come and I just have to take them

ask me about it I'll tell you I'm fine

but really my head sends shivers down my spine

my head is a cell

my own personal hell

stuck with thoughts I can't quell

so I sit and I dwell

let them eat at me until I'm nothing but a shell

and every once and a while I'll fight, I'll scream and I'll yell

but what does that do? it doesn't help to rebel

my anxiety is worse than ever

and I'm growing tired of this endeavor

I've said it before and I'll say it again

I'll never get better

they say it gets better but when?

I've been waiting a while and I'm growing impatient

each passing day only fuels my frustration

as I sit and sit in black sedation

and wait for a break in the darkness

wait for something to break this harness

but there is no escape from myself

so I'll lock myself up and put me on a shelf

I find humor in people's pathetic attempt to help me

their advice is weak and they simply don't see

my favorite is "you just need a change in scenery"

"get out of this town and find some greenery"

a change in my surroundings will not fix my head

I'll have the same thoughts in Colorado as i will in my bed

at least there I won't be so tired

I hate this feeling I feel so wired

even music makes me cringe

I try to speak and feel a twinge

I swing back and forth like a door about to unhinge

I just want to smoke but if I smoke i won't stop

get so high that I'll float to the ceiling and pop

and come down crashing to the floor

and let the sadness seep into my core

battle my thoughts

an internal war

but this war can't be won

and the collateral damage is only but one

me

but I guess it's whatever

I'll just continue to fade

play with the demons that I can't evade

hide from the sun and stay in the shade

trace my fingers on the gun and kiss the blade

go home and lay

watch in dismay

as my body and mind decay

and live in the grey

- k.k