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I've weighed myself yesterday. Didn't even lose a pound. *le sigh* I'm really discouraged. I've been doing well 98% of the time. Made huge changes to my daily life and the way I eat. I've probably cut my calorie intake in half and almost eliminated my carb intake. How the hell haven't I lost even a pound? I'm keeping going. Really hoping to build some good habits so I don't fall back into my old way of eating. I know it will benefit my health even if I don't lose weight. I have to keep reminding myself that I am loved no matter my weight or appearance. That will never change. The only thing is that maybe I can learn to love myself through this process. If you haven't noticed I've reached the anxiety ridden "I don't give a Fuck" part of dieting. When I vented this to a friend she asked me to just keep reminding myself of my why's. They are kinda hard to come up with when I've just haven't given a shit for so long. ~I want to be able to find nice, cute clothes that fit me nicely without having to worry regular stores won't carry my size. And I don't want to have to wear the largest size they carry. ~I am very afraid of causing permanent damage to my health. I already have a sluggish thyroid and PCOS. I do not want diabetes. I really don't want to have a heart attack. ~my brother died in his sleep due to undiagnosed sleep apnea. He had the apnea because he was obese. This is terrifying! I am seriously afraid to fall asleep some nights, especially when I'm sick, because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I also have to check on my kids at night because of this fear as well. ~my knees hurt on a regular basis. I know losing weight will help that. ~I don't want food to have any control over my life, or my emotions. ~I do not want my kids to grow up overweight or with food issues. ~I don't want to be afraid of seatbelts not fitting me right. ~I want to be able to cross my legs lady like. ~I don't want my double chins anymore. ~I want to beat my depression! I know a part of it is hormones. Hormones at out of control because of my weight. ~I want to be able to keep up with my 2 year old daughter. I want to be able to play, walk, run, and do fun active things with both of my kids! I don't want to dread trips to the zoo because I'm exhausted after. ~Oh and I want to be able to wear yoga pants without it looking like my ass is eating them.

I have a headache that came straight from hell. My brain hurts. My skull hurts. I'm starving, but we are out of the food I want to eat. I'm not feeling it. I just want to be left alone. My two year old daughter doesn't agree with me though. My water isn't safe. I have no privacy. I'm really crabby. Going to supper and a movie tonight with my son and a friend and her son. I really hope we don't have to see that stupid ass sponge bob movie. Looking forward to steak though!

I'm starting this blog as a way to journal my way through weight loss and healthy living. My friends don't want to hear about it all that much, they've got enough going in their own lives. My husband works hard, and is very supportive, but doesn't want to listen to it all the time either. The problem is that i have so much on my mind and i have to get it out or it just sits there circulating and it manifests in anxiety. I need to process these thoughts and feelings and deal with them. This is where the good, bad, and ugly will be purged from my mind. I'm not going to hold anything back in fear of what others might feel. This is MY truth! My name is Ho. (Of course this is a nickname, not true one bit.) I'm 31, married for 12 years, two beautiful and wonderful kids. My DS (dear son) is 10, and DD (dear daughter) is 2. One came to us naturally, and one through adoption. I love them so much! My life wouldn't be worth living without them, and that is the gods honest truth! Here are a few other gems of random information about myself: I am a metal-head. Hard rock/metal music keeps me going, keeps my soul young. I relate to it in ways that are had to explain. I really enjoy reading. Romance novels especially. Some are smutty, some are nothing more than erotica, but most are the most amazing love stories! They make me happy. I recently completed a FRIENDS binge on Netflix. It was awesome! I am not a good housewife. Cooking and cleaning are not something I enjoy or am good at. My house is a constant mess and very disorganized. I have the mouth of a sailor and live to swear. You've been warned. I am an awkward person, which means that social situations are quite hard. Hugs are a big no-no. I need my bubble of personal space. I am a depressed and anxious person. Sometimes are worse than others. Currently untreated, I have an appointment on Friday to once again get on medication. I have trust issues. Because of this honesty is very important to me. Little white lies to make a person feel better about themselves or their situation are fine. But do not lie to me or anyone else about about anything major. If i find out I will never trust you again. I do not smoke. I very rarely drink, and never alone. Always in a social situation. When I drink I drink to get drunk, and as fast as possible. My mother was an alcoholic and it killed her. I will NOT repeat that history. I am 317 pounds, and i am a food addict. That last admission is why i am here. Today is day 3 of my life without bingeing, without processed and starchy carbs and without diet coke. I have PCOS and PMDD. My hormones are a mess! 2 weeks out of every month I'm a bitch, crabby, hopeless and miserable. I feel so worthless. I feed all of those feelings. I'm sad, better eat some chocolate, I'm pissed better eat those cheddar and sour cream chips. Wash it all down with 6 diet cokes a day. I'm happy? Well that means I'm making a big, carb-loaded or deep fried meal for my family. Food=happiness. Food=comfort. I knew I needed a change and I knew I could do it but it is so hard, and food is so good. My fear of living a life without those comforts was bigger than the fear of what would happen because of it. I'm a stay at home mom. I live my life in pajamas. I had put on my favorite most comfortable pair of cargo pants so I could go grab our take out meal. FUCK! They were tight! Uncomfortable, accentuating my "front butt", should not be worn in public tight. Instant depression. Came home. Ate the food. It didn't even taste good. The next day I worked up the courage to get on the scale. I decided in that very moment I couldn't live like that anymore! I don't have any energy, I'm tired and crabby all the time. My knees hurt. I'm not a very good person. I'm failing! I'm failing my kids. I'm failing my marriage. I'm failing life. I decided right then at that moment that it wasn't worth it anymore. The payoff I got from the food wasn't worth it in the long run! Done. I was done. Today is day 3 of my new life. I'm eating REAL food. You know, the stuff that rots, the stuff that is grown. Not the crap that is made in a factory. Starchy carbs is a no-no. Meat, veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds and dairy. The first day was hard. I relaxed with diet coke. Coke to start the day, a coke when my daughter went down for her nap. Coke while I cook and attempt to clean. Coke and snack to calm me while I'm upset. Food when I'm bored. I didn't have that on that first day so it was strange to go about my routine without it. Yesterday, day 2, was easier. Though withdrawal hit me hard in the afternoon. A cup of coffee helped my headache, and I played down for an hour. When I got up I felt much better. This morning I'm feeling pretty darn good! I'm feeling less bloated. And I know I CAN do this! I am surviving without the junk. I'm thriving. I'm actually enjoying the salads I've been eating with lunch. That is how I know I'm serious. Will be back with my next string of thoughts I need to purge. ~Ho