the man is an abominable prude! 

gonna make a new blog this one is so heavy w the weight of last years neurosis

someone mansplain Guénon to me please

had a dream last night about a friends ex girlfriend. in the dream she has an alcohol problem and drinks heavily each night until she is uninhibited enough to allow herself to engage in masochistic performative self harm under the guise of orchestrated accidents. she pretends to trip and throws herself down the stairs, walks into moving traffic as if she didnt see it coming, "slips" and hits her head on the wall. everyone knows it is orchestrated for the attention and pain but each morning when she awakes from the night before her shame and guilt over her compulsive actions is so strong that everyone pretends like the pretence is the truth, just to spare her feelings, even though she knows they know and they know she knows.

in my monthly numerology forecast I was told that soon a relationship in my life would come to a necessary end... either through a conflict or just a growing apart. I tried to think who it might be and my mind anxiously goes to the people i care about and dont want to lose and I worry that something will happen, but now, upon deeper reflection, I have started to think about the people in my life that I would like more space from, that I feel dont really see me. and I think about what it says about my own self worth that I allow myself to be in close relationships where I dont feel like I am really living, rather we are both just passing time together, not even really trying to know each other- just content to gossip. I want my beat friends to be people I really believe in and respect and can talk to, not people where I hold my tongue and gain value from their emotional dependence. my telling them what they want to hear.