Luna🌚

So on August 14th I took a fall and fractured my ankle. Like yes bitch I took a damn fall like congrats Vanessa you dumb bitch. Anyways today is September 16th. Almost an entire week from the day I got my cast and was told to stay in it for four weeks. I had ORIF ankle surgery on August 29th and well that was apparently super fun, the anesthesia lady told me there was a procedure that would allow my nerves going to my ankle be stopped and I was like fuck it Im down. Little did I know she was going to jab a huge ass needle into my thigh, moving it around that I could feel! But beforehand she had put the medicine in my IV to knock me out so I was slowly getting there. When I was on my way to the OR I could not stop crying. Im not sure exactly what I was feeling, it may have been because I did not have any family members there. Or how could I let something like this happen to me like wow a fractured ankle. Yeah it may seem so small to some but when you already feel alone in your head and even in life, when no one comes to visit you, no one asks how you are or if you need anything, but why would they to begin with. If no one came to see me when I was walking on two legs why would they even care now. But anyways what I was getting at was they were playing Jimi Hendrix and it was pretty cool then the Rolling Stones so I took that as a good note that everything was going to be okay. And it was…for the most part..Then came the day to take the stitches out and that was hell. However the doctor was apparently cool enough to do the sewing on the inside of my ankle different than the outside. He actually cared about my tattoo and he was so cool about not doing it where it would mess it up. The first thing he said to me when I saw him again was “someone didn’t tell me they had a tattoo!” because see I had the idea that they were going to do what they had to which was cut right through my tattoo and such but no he didn’t. The other side however he did it regularly and yeah it was a longer incision on the  other side, 

I have a plate on no I mean in the right side of my ankle of course with some screws. On the inside of my ankle I only have 2. Now if  I could go back and totally not go out or anything I mean stay in and sleep like I normally do I totally would but I guess whats done is done.

Yeah I feel like the biggest fucking moron in the world. I do hate myself for this. I had so much lined up, things were going to get better. Life was finally coming around I had thought. Like this is what I really needed to finish off this fucked up year but wait there’s still 3 months left and knowing my luck something can make this year worse. 

Where to begin, I lost my job around Feb, working at that hospital was fun. Then my dad had a stroke and while at the hospital I used to work out he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. So the rest of this year I had to go back continuously to the hospital I used to work at, how fun right. Yeah so fucking fun. 

The kicker about all of this is that before I fell all I did was lay in bed. LITERALLY. All damn day, yeah I guess you can say everything that has happened finally got to me. I let life get to me, like who the fuck stays in bed all god damn day. A person that has given up. That’s who.. now of course I’m like really you weak ass bitch you didn’t even do that when your mom died. 

Before all this I worked, I went to school. Whatever I wanted I went and got, like everything was okay. Now, well before my fall, everything meant nothing to me. I felt as if dying would’ve been the easiest best solution out there.. And it’s funny because now, now I may not feel that way anymore. Or maybe not as much. Now….now I can’t fucking wait, I cant wait to walk again. To never fucking lay in one spot for more than is necessary. To walk outside more and just fucking do it, I plan on going to the gym not only because its about time but no! My FUCKING THIGH AND CALF ARE FUCKING JELLO LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I JIGGLE MORE THAN USUAL AND BITCH I LOVED MY CALVES LOL like they were toned by the magic of god cause I dont work out for shit. But anyways yeah everythings fucked for now.

I will literally cry and feel sorry for myself. Other times I will be so pumped and positive. I guess it all depends on im not sure exactly. But it just sucks having no one. People that I would push wherever they wanted and if they were home, i’d drag their ass out or take them literally anywhere they wanted to even if it’s just a car ride. Those people won’t do the same for me. They let me lay here doing nothing and they go out and have their fun. I’m not mad at that have your fun. But don’t act like i’m in a full fucking body cast. My ankle is the only thing broken, I have access to a fucking wheelchair and they still tell me straight up push me. Like wow that hit me like a brick to the face, like you love me and all this shit but you won’t push me like bitch i’d push you to the fucking moon if you wanted to. But I guess one person cares more than the other in a relationship? life? …if it even is that.