J.

It was a pure devotions, so deep and intense that it’s inexplicable to anyone who hasn't been lucky enough to meet an angel. The only moment fear ever touched my chest was that night I woke up with the sudden, inevitable certainty that I loved her more than anything in this life.

She possessed that unrepeatable magic where every gesture, every word and every glance unlocked a completely new world. Everything with her felt different because I never measured her against anyone else. She had no point of comparison, she was a unique, unreachable being.

We made so much sense together, a logic so perfect and beautiful, that even today it feels like a glitch in destiny that we aren't at the end of the road sharing the same life and yet, her absence has become an omnipresent ghost.

I often think about how dangerous it is to love someone with such magnitude, because even when she isn't here, she continues to inhabit and guard those sacred corners of my mind that no one else will ever reach.

The other day, while someone was talking to me about something completely unrelated, I found myself nodding and smiling on autopilot. No one around me noticed that in reality I was miles away lost in the other room of my memories, dwelling in the thought of you.

Today, outside of that memory, the rain of that grey summer falls over me and I feel control slipping through my hands. I move forward purely out of momentum, trying to numb the pain just to survive this loneliness that consumes my chest.

I worry about everything around me, the future overwhelms me, and I feel deeply broken, floating in a reality that has turned blurry and foreign and I look in the mirror and struggle to recognize myself.

I feel as though I have been losing my soul along the way, searching for crumbs of attention or validation just to remember that I still exist. I try to fit in and smile, but inside I feel isolated, disconnected even from the people I love most.

Terrified that my pain might hurt them too. I want with all my strength to reclaim my authenticity, to become something real again instead of this tired shadow teetering on the edge of the abyss.

It scares me to look back and question what I'm doing with my life, doubting the value of every step I take amidst so much confusion. I fear that all this suffering won't mean anything in the end and that I will keep searching for a light that seems like it won't return.

But even in the middle of this mental shipwreck, when I find no answers for anything and drown in uncertainty, she remains my only intact certainty because in a world where I doubt my own existence, the love I have for her is the only truth I will never be able to doubt.