Unsaid words that still remain

What's on ur mind? They ask,

But the fact is

I actually don't know what's happening and going on inside my own head and mind

Everything sounds so boring, so normal, so basic, so sad, so depressing..

Why is the universe's giving this energy?

Or is it my fault? ..Well it might be,

What's on ur mind? They ask,

First thing first, let me tell you that I actually don't think of nothing else but keep asking myself either

What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy this? And why can't I feel this really? What can I do to make it seem so exciting and worth living for?

Woah.. that's so silly

Should I perform in something so that I can feel joy?

Or, maybe should i start doing a new hobby?

Maybe I should get a cruch on someone and by this i can make my life more exciting and colored?

That's so silly again..

I gotta do this by myself, I gotta find my own spark , I gotta make my own way.. and i know this

FUCK I know this !

I accept that nobody can bring me happiness if I didn't do it by myself first

But why does it seem so hard to admit and do it here,

In real life?

Why being calm, and keeping it silent seems better and easier?

All I want.. is to feel something

All I really want is to FEEL..

I've tried it all.. crying, loving, self-harming myself, starving, hating, suffocating myself day by day..

But all this, gave me nothing but hating my own self more and more and wanting to end this life with a way bigger desire than how it was, as soon as POSSIBLE..

You might think that I might want ur attention?

And if this really happened

Then let me tell u that you're completely wrong

dear reader,

TRUST ME ! I have a lot of things to worry about than craving for someone's attention and affection

But this can't stop me and can't deny the fact that I also have the right to share how I feel

And here's how I feel

M confused, I don't know if l am actually happy or sad

Why does it seem like if l am standing in the middle?

I'm finally fine for the whole seven days in the week, for the whole 30 days in the month and for the whole day in my high school laughing and making jokes with my friends there

Everything sounds so alright and finally, I can feel the things getting together to their actual place

but then, I wake up on a random Monday's morning feeling sick and not OKAY at all

Whenever I got the feeling that m recovered, FINE, healed, over it, forgot it, made a new step in my life..

I wake up the next morning with that feeling that it will never be fine, that I Will never get over it and that it will always keep getting worse and worse..

And that, my dear readers

IS WHAT CONFUSING ME !