High on Exhaustion

a lot of my ritual behaviors are "checking"

self-guided ocd exposure therapy can be as simple as resisting the urge to check if your door is locked more than once and sitting with the discomfort until it passes without engaging in any reassurance rituals.

it can look like sending an email and resisting the urge to re-read it over and over again obsessing over your wording, sitting with the discomfort until it passes without engaging in any reassurance rituals.

some of my rituals are also "avoidance"

in which case it can look like checking your email inbox you've been obsessively avoiding because you're anxious about receiving a specific email you don't want to see.

and YEP! ☝️

!!!

it might be hard to believe, but learning distress tolerance for things like "checking" with emails and door locks actually prepared me for the Big Ones like harm and sexual OCD themes.

I think this article from 2007 is a good introduction to the basic concepts of exposures:

that SAID, a lot has changed since 2007! the idea that exposure therapy can (or even should) prevent fears from every happening has come into question!

now the conversation about OCD exposure has turned to training distress tolerance:

...rather than aiming for the decline of anxiety (habituation) during exposure, the inhibitory learning approach to ERP teaches people how to be open-minded toward experiencing anxiety and fear when these experiences inevitably show up. Indeed, fear and anxiety (and other emotions in OCD such as disgust or guilt) are universal and even adaptive experiences, not something that need to be “fixed” or gotten rid of. Most importantly, even if they can be unwanted, intense, and distressing, these emotions and thoughts are safe. From an inhibitory learning perspective, fear extinction (and long-term improvement in OCD) depends not only on learning that feared stimuli are safe, but that it is also safe to experience the emotional response that is triggered by these stimuli.

And remember at the end of the day I AM NOT a specialist. I am discussing my own OCD journey and referencing the available material on OCD exposures.

I'm not always right, and I can't know what's best for you.

Which is why I haven't recommended any of the old workbooks I've completed, because some of them are old enough that there are better ones to follow that I haven't gotten to trying yet!

I recommend doing your own reading from OCD-aware organizations:

i decided to try a romcom i somehow missed i the 2000s 'head over heels' and i got 3 and a half minutes in and we're introduced to the lonely MC with bad taste in men as evidenced by her extremely short list of ex boyfriends, including her first boyfriend when she was 11 or something because i guess that's still relevant in her adult life.

so she's resigned herself to never finding love and prefers to ignore men to focus all her energy into her career.

this job is immediately presented as though it's for spinsters with no hope of ever finding a man.

the mc's lesbian bestie (whose first line involves her being scolded for being too sexual in the workplace, but moving on) points out their colleagues as evidence that they're doomed to a romance-less, sexless life if they don't switch up their shared career path. the colleagues are three old women, so-dubbed "the menopause triplets":

these women are presented as if they have no idea what's going on at any given moment. this is 2001, and presumably this is an entry level job requiring low effort and no experience.

then their boss bursts into the room, unceremoniously bumping a large painting into the door jam and walls, announcing that it's a new project for our MC.

our MC is thrilled to see the painting. apparently it's a light in the daily slog at her dreary job for loser women with nothing going on in their lives.

And that job is? Conservator of paintings (specializing in Renaissance) at the New York City Metropolitan Museum of Art.

The painting being handled like an old couch on its way to the curb?

The Bacchanal of the Andrians by Titian.

Her lesbian colleague who is presumably also a a highly trained & skilled curator finds it depressing that the MC is so excited about the painting.

I explained the delicate situation to my mom, as my sister-in-law is letting the news get out by word-of-mouth from the immediate family rather than an awkward “unsave-the-date”. My mom obviously told my own family.

Because that makes sense. Anyway, this poison would submit me to its well-known and much-feared symptom: "17 Day Paralysis" in which you're paralyzed for exactly 17 days and you only chance of survival is to be on full machine support for 17 days.

Just before the medical team intubated me I remembered I have a Zoom meeting with my academic advisor today (I actually do in real life) and I needed to email him to let him know I was the victim of a mass-poisoning and would need to reschedule.

I kept trying to type the "□" symbol in my dream but could not figure out how and gave up.

(idk if anyone will see this addition so i'll probably make this its own post later)

Replace: Netflix etc.

kanopy - available through public libraries and universities. check if yours has it. if not, ask them what they do have for streaming, and/or ask if they can look into joining kanopy!

beamafilm

internet archive - have a look around. there are tonnes of good classic film options! i have some good stuff bookmarked, hmu if you want links

also yeah, do go to your local cinema! 📽️🍿

Replace: Audible/Amazon eBooks

available through public libraries:

libby

borrowbox

cloudlibrary

freely available to anyone:

project gutenberg - the GOAT!!! (plus its aussie sister site gutenberg.net.au, which has books that are still under copyright in the u.s., as well as a wealth of australiana, australian history, and australian records)

faded page - same idea as PG. this one is canadian so this is where you can source public domain canadiana and canadian history.

librivox - the audiobook version of PG (free public domain audiobooks read by volunteers). it's a great concept, but be forewarned that the app's interface is really, truly awful.

Replace: Google search

there are a lot of lists out there, like this post i recently reblogged, so the good news is you have lots of options! remember that google still makes most of its $ from its search function, so making the switch is absolutely worth it even if you still use their other services.

anyway, the post i linked goes way more in-depth, but here are a few i've tried and liked:

qwant - my current go-to

4get - i intended to try this one but forgot, adding it because i think it'll be good

mojeek - it's like using google from 2005 (/pos)

marginalia search - find older, text-heavy websites, with commercial content filtered out.

Replace: Chrome

i think we all know this one but just in case...

firefox, with ublock origin installed

Replace: Google Suite (Gmail, Google Drive, Docs, etc.)

proton - it has mail, docs, sheets, storage, etc. see if you can share a plan with someone or join with your family because there are two-person and family plans that are more affordable.

otherwise, you can split it up and use multiple services, e.g. tuta for email, sync for storage, ellipsus for docs, etc. 

Replace: Google Maps

organic maps

your public transport org's website/app

Replace: Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, etc.

tumblr, lol. 

"but how will i stay in touch with my friends?"

talk to your friends. message them and say, "here's my email address, here's my phone number, here's my mailing address, what's yours? i'm leaving the app and i'd like to stay in touch." then, do that. make sure to reach out to them and invite them to hang out or just start a conversation using one of the above methods.

"how will i find out about what's going on near me?"

genuinely, read posters on lampposts and community billboards. 

see if your city/area has a website that shows upcoming events and keep an eye on it. 

find orgs/venues/galleries/theatres near you that do cool stuff and sign up for their mailing lists. 

ask people for recommendations.

go for a walk through an interesting neighbourhood. have a look around.

"but i need more human connection! i like feeling connected to people i don't know, too, and hearing all kinds of different perspectives."

postcrossing!!! i love it so much! send and receive postcards to and from different people around the world 💌

get a penpal! there are different penpal finding websites and subreddits out there.

tandem for language exchange

"what about facebook groups?"

i get it, if you're already in a group you want to participate in it's a bit tough because you don't want to ask the group to relocate just for you. but fwiw, meetup and butter provide similar functions. 

"what about facebook marketplace?"

yard sales

charity sales

op shops

whatever website equivalent exists in your area (kijiji, gumtree, etc.)

Replace: Spotify

this is a switch i haven't made yet. but from what i've heard, qobuz or deezer are good streaming alternatives.

support artists by purchasing music through bandcamp

also support artists by buying merch from their websites.

Replace: Goodreads

storygraph - i think it's pretty well-known, but just in case!

Replace: What's App

signal - even if you can only convince a couple people to move over and you still talk to other people on what's app, that's still a couple more conversations zuckerberg doesn't have his grubby little hands on. also, the more people make the switch, the more people will follow.

Replace: YouTube

i wish!

i don't know of any good substitutes. please share if you do!! my best solution atm is turn on ad blocker and use it as little as possible.

Replace: General mindless scrolling

ok, here's what i do.

download one of the aforementioned ebook apps (libby, borrowbox, cloudlibrary, or else open up project gutenberg if you can't get those) and take out an ebook.

when you find yourself scrolling endlessly on some social media app and you realise you want to stop but you just can't seem to get off your phone, switch over to your ebook app and read instead. (this will work best if you choose light but interesting ebooks that won't feel like a massive cerebral leap from passive media consumption).

even if it's just a couple of pages, it'll feel more productive and break the cycle of endless scrolling.

Parting words

"This show is problematic because the hero didn't kill the villain at the end": When does he steal the bread?

"These two characters who were close friends throughout the series don't kiss at the end! What the fuck?": When does he steal the bread?