friendshipcake

Clit on the cob

Is that anything?

i would make an excellent goon. i’d be like ”on it boss” and then i’d fuck it up instantly.

you think i'm throwing stones from a glass house but nooo partner this shit is plexiglass i am completely fucking immune

my neighbors do see my exposed penish whenever i shower though so it's not an ideal set-up

im at the soup convention and many strong and beautiful women are talking about how delicious and nutrient rich my broth is and they didnt even mention you

this is my fucking worst nightmare

if a werewolf dies but they were an organ donor does someone get a new kidney that turns into a wolf kidney once a month

imagine having a feeling of pure bloodlust radiate from one side of your mid-back approximately every 28 days

I don’t need to imagine

love drinking water while taking a piss every chance i get to remind myself of my status as, ultimately, just a loud little tube with opinions

single btw

some people have moneys. some people have freaken dollars and cents. some people have coins, and bucks. and well i’m not one of those people.

you have jaundice.

i have jaundice.

people will talk about their local supermarkets like everyone knows what theyre talking about

“oh yeah i went down to bjs to buy some chips” bro you went to fucking where

oh youre bi? why dont you "bi" me some time with a distraction while i crack this safe ya fuckin goon

you got it boss (makes out with the bank teller and his wife)

two foreskins

love how kids introduce themselves like “hello im johnny im five years old i know how to read” yeah cool i didnt ask for your life story asshole

women pity me fish hardly acknowledge me

your honor i was just being a little silly