switching lanes since '14

She frowned, not knowing what to do when he spoke her name. He never really did. It, again, felt like she was a kid again and her mother called her by her full name instead of “honey” or “sweetheart” or “love”.

“I — I can explain myself if you let me, Kylo,” she began. They were sitting across from each other, and when Kylo shifted and lifted his arm to put his hand in his hair, she winced. Her neighbor furrowed his eyebrows, catching onto the soft movement. He kept quiet.

“No need to. I was wrong, you were wrong. You knew what I did before we started what we started, why are you suddenly so mad at me? I can’t let my family go, even for the best thing in my life,” he started, but suddenly stood up, “Anything to drink? I need something strong for this.” The best thing in his life? Y/N blushed.

“Do you have cherry soda?” She asked timidly, playing with the hem of her black dress.

“Let me check.” Kylo spun on his heels, taking long strides to his kitchen. After a few moments of rumbling through his fridge, he held one up. The first time he smiled softly tonight. He opened a glass bottle, putting a straw in it, before pouring himself whiskey. She couldn’t see which whiskey it was, but it looked expensive. She wasn’t surprised, it was Kylo after all.

“About me being mad at you — Kylo, I’m sorry. I just forget about it because it never seems dangerous to me, at least not until you come back all bloodied up and messy and almost blind in one eye,” she started raising her voice, but stopped herself. She wanted this to be resolved as peacefully as possible. 

“Just say it, Y/N. We both know how this goes – you’ll leave soon enough and I’ll be left here to figure things out on my own again,” he said, swallowing half the glass of the liquid while she sipped her soda.

“Kylo, you know nothing about what I've been enduring everyday ever since —” She made a fist when Kylo raised his hand in order to interrupt her.

“Since what? Tell me I’m a murderer again. Come on, I know you’ll end up slapping me or hitting me or at least awfully close to that. I’m sorry I can’t be the man you made me up to be in your thick skull,” he sat down, his hands pulling his hair, “There’s a part of me that’s so desperate to know if my absence has done any damage to you. That there is a possibility that, you too, experience restless nights due to the thought of me. That your heart is broken in the same places as mine. I want to know that I’m not the only one hurting from this, Y/N.

“I went through this scenario a million times already, this same room, this same fight, this same scene, with us throwing poison darts at each other here, and I sure hope it’s not true, but it feels like this is the only way this will end, the way we will end: you’ll break my heart and I’ll let you. You’re killing me. I didn’t mean to ruin your life, Y/N,” he finished. Kylo’s hand found a way to his pocket where he kept his cigarettes and the girl took one from the pack as soon as he lit his own.

“Kylo, I know it wasn’t your fault,” she said softly. He raised his eyebrows, his mouth falling open. 

“What? Did I hear you well?”

He looked at her fully now and it reminded him of the night they kissed for the first time. How teary-eyed, how beautiful she looked. Her lips swollen and red from her constantly gnawing on them, and she looked like those sad girls you see on social media who make it their whole aesthetic. 

“One of us has to have guts tonight, am I right?” She smiled, even if tears threatened to spill from her eyes. 

There was a half-empty ache in Kylo’s soul. His mouth turned dry as he watched her move and he wondered what it would feel like to kiss her, her blossom-soft lips sweet on his, glistening with madness. What would it feel like to taste her again. It’s almost enough to make him smile. There’s a cigarette between her lips and he took it out tenderly with rosebud fingertips, and she looked at him, him with tear-stained cheeks and her heart shattered a little.

“I was hoping it would be me – I’m sorry, Y/N,” he spilled when he put the cigarette down, moving closer to her, holding her head in his hands.

Kylo thinks that love is somewhat like finding God in your sock drawer or winning a lottery – it only happens to other people, like death – it happens to everyone but him until it happens to him and then – where else would he be but in love, in the gut of a monster? In the metaphorical dripping cave where people go in fairytales?

“Kylo, listen. It wasn’t your fault, none of this was, and I’m so sorry for what I did — It wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t fair to my dad. He’s probably up there all disappointed because he knows it wasn’t your fault, not really. Dad chose himself. I’m so so—” Y/N couldn’t finish her sentence before Kylo shut her up with a finger on her lips. 

There’s times when you do something really dumb without thinking. Those times usually include walking into a shower with socks, or throwing the candy in the trash instead of the wrapper. Y’know, the usual stuff. Y/N did something really dumb without thinking.

When Kylo Ren put his thumb on her lower lip, she opened her mouth and sucked on it. Kylo’s soul ascended to heaven when he pressed his thumb on her tongue, and when he let out a tiny curse, Y/N came to her senses.

“Kylo, holy fuck, I am so sorry, please–”

Kylo shut her up with a press of his lips on hers now. His lips were soft against hers. Swallowing her words, she blinked a bit before having her eyes shut gently when kissing him back.

He pulled away a bit only to tilt his head and kiss her softly again. Her hand hesitantly reached for him, but she remembered his wound so she simply held it mid-air, an awkward fist forming as her lips moved slowly with his. It felt like everything was right again. Y/N inhaled his scent – cigarettes and some expensive perfume and a hint of whiskey on his tongue and all of that – the perfect symphony of Kylo Ren and she thinks he isn’t close enough, never close enough, never ever close enough.

They parted.

“Kylo,” she whispered, not daring to be any louder just in case it is all a dream and she’ll wake up and find out she wasn’t, in fact, kissing Kylo, but dreaming of it.

“Y/N, Angel.”

“Fuck.” 

Y/N didn’t really know what she expected. She knew of what he did, that never concerned her before.

When she went over to return the hoodie, she just wanted to leave it on the chair outside, but that would be extremely mean, wouldn’t it? She knocked, but when no one answered, she decided she’d stay. Apologize for last night and thank him for not taking advantage of her.

She was so goddamn glad to see him, but when she saw bruises on his hand and – was that blood under his nails? – she suddenly became aware of how dangerous the man was. He could be soft to her alright, but what would happen if one day she angered him? What would happen if one day it was her blood under his nails? Bruises from hitting her forming on his body?

She found herself sitting on her bed, Jade knocking on her door. She ignored it, muttering out an apology and hearing an exasperated sigh on the other side of the door.

Breathe in, breathe out. Just how her mother taught her when her anxiety was at an all time high. She didn’t realize how concerned Kylo was, didn’t dare to look out the window, seeing him talk to someone on his phone behind the window wall of his living room. Didn’t see him sitting on the couch, almost pulling his hair out.

“Cardo, you should come live here for a few days,” Kylo was begging at this point.

The man on the other side of the line sighed, “Kylo I don’t know if I can. There’s been some… Uprising and I didn’t want to concern you with that – you know how it goes.”

“What?”

“It’s been taken care of, don’t worry. Just have to clean up.” Cardo wanted to be as brief as possible when talking over the phone.

“Cardo, I swear to God – If you don’t tell me what’s happening in my own family the next time something like that happens, I’m gonna –”

“I’ll come there. How long?”

“A few days. You can meet her, too.” Kylo smiled, “You’ll like her.”

“I’m sure.”

–

When Y/N saw Kylo leave, she didn’t expect for the other man to stay. What she expected even less, was seeing him cross the street straight to her front porch. She didn’t wait to see him knocking at her door, instead she ran downstairs and told the girls to keep it quiet, there’s a new neighbor coming, and no, she wasn’t sure if Kylo Ren left for good. The last part hit her like a trainwreck.

When the doorbell rang, the girls all ran to greet their hot new neighbor. Y/N barely dragged her feet towards the door.

When she heard all of them finish up introducing themselves, she coughed, bringing the man’s attention towards herself.

Cardo smiled softly, extending his hand towards the girl. Kylo did always have great taste, it being alcohol, cars, or girls. He also knew that this girl was special, so he kept his mouth shut when she said her name.

“Cardo,” he said his own name instead.

“So,” a girl started, Cardo was sure her name was Layla, “It would be mean of us not to invite you in for a drink.”

“It would be irrational of you to invite me in even if you know what kind of people work for Kylo, though,” Cardo almost laughed out. Y/N rolled her eyes.

“It is a good thing we have his prized possession though,” Jade answered quickly. Cardo chuckled. Pretty and intelligent. A deadly combination.

“Well, I couldn’t have formed it better.” Cardo looked at Y/N, expecting everything but the timid look on her face. This was the girl that made the mighty Kylo Ren give up on women?

Damn.

While they were sitting in the living room, Layla and Y/N went into the kitchen, making iced coffee and Cardo fucking wanted tea so– 

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” Layla asked softly, and the other girl nodded. He was. His dark hair contrasted his blue eyes and his full pink lips hid his beautiful smile. He was confident, cocky, and everything Layla liked. He was her type down to a t. Even his fucking style.

“Watch out, Layla, he’s a dangerous man,” Y/N warned her softly. Cardo was beautiful and smooth and nice, but they shouldn’t fool themselves.

“A tea for our guest,” Layla said, batting her pretty eyelashes at the boy. 

“Thank you, darlin’”

“So, Cardo, tell us about yourself,” Y/N began.

“Well, I don’t have much to say. Hi, my name is Cardo Ren and I am Kylo Ren’s cousin.”

“Well, that does explain a lot. Is every Ren that hot?” Layla chimed in, laughing when Cardo turned red.

“Depends,” he answered.

–

That evening, Cardo texted Kylo the next:

You’re right. I like your girl the most.

cardo, be careful of your next words.

I find Jade the cutest though, a bit of a smartass. Cute nonetheless.

i couldn’t care less. is angel ok?

She’s okay. She said we could be best friends some day.

good. take care of her.

–

The next few days came and went by in a blur. Two out of those five days, Y/N had classes in the morning, but each evening she’d somehow end up at Kylo’s place, talking and laughing with Cardo. 

He was different from the other man. More open… More vulnerable. The classic beauty, Y/N thought. She would’ve fallen for him if she was younger, she knew it.

Tonight, they were in Kylo’s living room, playing monopoly on the floor and when Cardo went bankrupt for what seemed like the tenth time, Y/N couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh, you are cheating, I know you are!” Cardo acted all angry, but his smile gave him out.

“And you’re a bad actor,” she replied swiftly. Cardo laughed with her now. He did crack a joke or two that made them laugh even harder, and Y/N was soon gasping for air.

After a few minutes, they calmed, and Y/N decided to pick up the board game laid out in between them. Cardo sighed. She felt safe – something she longed for these days. 

She closed the lid of the box.

“Do you like Kylo, Y/N?” He asked softly.

She kept silent for a moment.

“Do I like him? I don’t know. He’s nice and he makes me feel like he does care, like he could care more. But then he leaves without notice, and I feel bad again. He’s really good at that, you know?”

“At what?” Cardo asked with furrowed brows, his hand searching for a beer on the floor while his eyes never left her face.

“At making people believe they are more important to him than they actually are.”

“Y/N, how do you know you’re not important to him?”

“I – I don’t know, but it feels like it. I think he just wants for someone to give themself fully to him, but he doesn’t want to give his all into anything. He’s too careful, too calculating. He does contrast me in that and I do love the fact, but sometimes it does exhaust me. Nevertheless, I feel full when I’m with him – almost painfully full, but I can take it as long as he is near. It is really painful when he leaves, though,” she said, fidgeting with a ring on her pinky finger.

“Seems a lot like you actually do like him. A lot,” he said, looking at the girl for an answer, and when she hummed, he continued, “Let me tell you a secret.”

“Continue, Cardo,” she said, her hands resting in her lap, playing with the hem of her skirt.

“Kylo likes you a lot too. More than you’ll ever know. And he doesn't know how to hide when he dislikes someone, believe me. He’s a bad actor when it comes to that,” Cardo answered truthfully.

Y/N’s phone started ringing when she was about to answer him.

“Sorry, Cardo. Gotta go.”

“Good night, Y/N,” he said when the girl stood up, smiling at her softly.

Kylo came back tomorrow morning, and when Y/N saw his car parked in front of his house, she ran across the street, knocking on the door. She could barely contain her smile, and just as the door opened, she realized she was still in her pajamas. She couldn’t care less.

“Y/N, good morning,” Cardo answered the door.

“Where is he?”

“Kylo – I don’t recommend seeing him right now,” he nervously said, and Y/N furrowed her eyebrows. 

“What’s wrong, Cardo? Tell me right now, or else –” The girl crossed her arms on her chest.

“Y/N, please, it’s not the best time, please–” Cardo started, but Y/N already pushed him away and entered the house.

“Kylo?” She almost yelled out, looking for him.

“Upstairs, Angel,” he said, and Y/N all but ran to his bedroom.

There he laid, a huge gash going from above his right eyebrow down his chest. It was obviously stitched up, but it still looked gnarly.

“Holy fuck, Kylo. What happened?” She covered her mouth, and Kylo hissed as he adjusted himself.

“It was a business trip, after all,” he smiled, and Y/N felt embers of anger warm her up.

“Kylo, you can’t just fucking leave for a week without telling me anything, and then come back almost fucking blinded! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Listen, I know how it looks but –”

“No, Kylo, I won’t listen. What the fuck?” she said, leaving the room. Kylo let her leave, and when he saw Cardo leaning on his door, he heard the front door slam shut.

“I can see that went well,” Cardo laughed out.

“Shut the fuck up, man.”

“I like her, you know? She calls you out on your bullshit,” Cardo continued, “ I can see why you like her.”

“Shut up, Cardo.” Kylo sat up straighter, his glare throwing daggers at the other man.

“She’s a keeper.” Cardo decided, keeping his mouth shut after that.

–

“No, Jade, you don’t understand – One minute he’s great, and then the next moment he fucking disappears?”

“Y/N, weren’t you the one that made him leave? You keep pushing him away, and when he finally leaves you be, you get mad? Do you realize how incredibly fucking stupid you are?” Jade sipped on her cider.

“But –”

“No buts, you are dumb and you need to apologize to the man as soon as he fucking gets better. Let him rest now, though,” Jade told her, and Y/N nodded softly. Her friend was right, and even if she herself couldn’t admit that, she knew better.

Tomorrow, a bouquet of pink carnations awaited Y/N on her front porch. A little note was attached to it, and it read: 

“But in our dark hearts,

In the even darker corner,

We are still afraid

Of taking the blame,

Of knowing that we ruined something.

Forever yours, 

K.R.”