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leading on the action caught in a cellphone's rays bleeding on a sofa staring at the waistline he's coming and she knows it even though she knows why footsteps in the hallway girl, you haven't got time ( ind. pri. nsfw. mcu. original winter soldier. )
Send me, “You’re bleeding.” for my muse’s reaction to yours patching up their wounds.
for multi-muse blogs, specify which muse.
PTSD Things You Don’t See In Quirky Posts About PTSD
is this really my personality or a result of years of trauma/abuse?
trusting people????????in MY brain???? not as likely as u think
Achievement Unlocked: Repressed Memory Finally Resurfaces After 10+ Years
Numb? Numb.
hyper vigilance
Healthy Coping Mechanisms? never heard of those
time to cry out of nowhere just do it just cry
AN G E R
[ redacted ]
Self Destructive Mode ON

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* toskavechnyy
lost. she could understand that. honestly, she’d be lying if she said that she wasn’t as well, even now — but was she ever truly in control, knowing exactly where she was, what she was doing? from what she could remember about her life before, she felt safe and happy, but didn’t ever fully know her purpose ;; maybe hydra managed to give her that much. maybe they tried to force her into a role she wasn’t meant for. illana didn’t know, and she never would.
❝ it’s okay. there’s… no rush, with anything. you’re allowed to be lost. ❞ he was allowed to be anything he wanted to be, but she knew that those words may seem a bit too heavy, a little too scary. having the freedom to be anything, anyone, to not fall into a premade role… it was a lot to deal with.
but he was here now. holden was here, he didn’t look hurt, and she’d make sure to keep him safe. illana knew that their situations were different, that their pasts before hydra couldn’t have been the same, but she believed that they all deserved some sort of protection, so long as they weren’t wholly lost to hydra’s mantras. even then, she thought the assets deserved another chance.
a hand almost reaches out, before she remembers that not everyone is comfortable with touch, her then moving over on the couch, silently offering him a place to sit. ❝ half the time, i don’t know what i’m doing ;; it feels as though i’m going through the motions, but it doesn’t fully help. ❞ offering a small smile, some sort of reassurance for the other. ❝ is there anything that helps you feel less lost? something that helps ground you? ❞
you’re allowed to be lost. somehow these words are immediately comforting --- as if she’s the one writing the book for their assimilation into modern society. she’s doing better than he is. she’s gotten farther, somehow. he trusts her words --- trusts her experiences and struggles for what they are. for so long he’d avoided the concept of being. being alive. being a person. being himself. being holden --- or at the very least, what holden was now. a mess, by any other name. holden’s brain was scrambled and chaotic due to the resets and all kinds of undiagnosed trauma. as people, they had seen and done too much. he knows this. there are nights where he remembers having a gun put in his hands at the fragile age of eight --- the faces of his parents lost but HYDRA’s influence engrained --- stuck in his very marrow. how is he supposed to get away from something that has always been apart of him? he doesn’t know. can’t bring himself to ask out of fear of her answer. she knew many harsh truths and he wasn’t ready for any of it --- wasn’t ready for the hand offered or the space on the couch meant for him. still, he moves. being next to her is ... also comforting. it’s the closest he’s gotten to her since they initially met. since his threats. the asset was missing, now. stuck under layers of confused holden. it’s almost nice to be like this, to have a connection. a friend? is that what she was? again, he doesn’t know.
her question makes his head hurt; it’s personal. it requires him to observe himself and it takes a moment before he answers, though there isn’t much confidence in his tone. “ being cold. sometimes ... it helps. ” how could he tell her about his strange habits --- the hours spent dunking himself in cold water. the day he fell asleep in a walk-in freezer. “ but i think it sets me back... back to that time and i...” his head ducks and he stares at his hands. “ i don’t think i should go there, anymore. ”
* vtorichnyysoldat
It was like a punch to the stomach–something sudden and jarring. Leo hadn’t even considered the possibility of any of the others being alive–to him, it was impossible. His teeth ground together, hands clenching into tight fists at his side…if he had just paid more attention…
It was the past. It was done. Move on.
The irony of the thought was not lost on him.
He dodged the question–didn’t even acknowledge it. The answers Leo wanted swept aside for that damned BOOK. Burn the fucking thing when you get the chance.
“No.” Not for lack of trying. “It disappeared after–” After Siberia, the murder of their comrades. He scowled–both at the memory, and his own failing for allowing the book to be taken. “–whoever has it is remarkably good at covering their tracks.”
The disappointment is immediate; shoulders slumping a bit and his head turning away to glare at nothing. He should have known better --- if HYDRA had one last chance to anything it would be to keep that damn book out of any of their hands. Anger coils in his stomach at the thought of it being lost --- or worse, destroyed. Holden has wanted the book since the moment his eyes opened --- since his own thoughts started forming in his muddled brain. HYDRA wasn’t something that he held any feelings for but the resets, the spaces in between --- oh, they were like a drug and he was itching for a fix constantly. He hasn’t done well on his own. He hasn’t adapted to being more than a social outcast. Being human --- being anything other than a weapon was difficult and he didn’t know the steps to take.
“If it still exists, I’ll find it.” That much is spoken like a promise, eyes meeting for all of a second before he’s avoiding the connection again. People move around them and his brows knit. There’s something --- something he’s supposed to do, here. Supposed to say. He knows it, can feel it in the buzzing of his brain. “ ... I’m glad that you made it out.”
* youngestsoldicr
“Something not bland.” She just gives him a look, “How else am I supposed to react?”
It’s not a bad question, but it puts Holden in a standstill. It’s awkward --- he’s awkward, like this. Standing in a kitchen of an apartment that’s almost the size of a napkin, his offering of food being scrutinized. Buttered toast and boiled eggs wasn’t something offered in restaurants and he realizes now that it probably has everything to do with the label of ‘bland.’ Food wasn’t something he’d experimented with much since his waking. As an asset, there was no desire for anything beyond what would simply sustain him and now? Well. He hadn’t really thought about good choices in food being a part of his freedom.
It takes a moment, but eventually, his arms fold as he continues to avoid her eyes --- avoid actually looking directly at her. “I don’t know how to make anything else.”
@iitsnotjustadream hit that 💖.
“Some of us don’t have the luxury of knowing the difference.”
* omicronthefifteenth
“You may be right, but… We could still hope.”
Hope. Now there’s a word he hasn’t considered in a long time --- even before his long sleep. It’s enough to make him pause, the silence following a moment to search his own heart for any such thing. The conclusion is quick enough; he doesn’t deserve to have hope, to wish to be normal. Not after the life he lead. Not after the things he’s done. That didn’t mean they didn’t have a chance, though.
“Is that really what you want? To ... fit in?”

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rp sentence starters taken from inkskinned’s writing. writing used : x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x . x
“ i know how to open these bones with just my teeth. ” “ when i cried nobody heard me. ” “ i’m sorry that i come as an expired body, already worn and already unbecoming. ” “ yesterday i almost told you everything. ” “ shit happens in storms and we’re just caught in the middle of one. ” “ i want to be someone who isn’t a burden. ” “ you’d find a way to make it my fault. ” “ you push over sandcastles and tell me the ocean is the enemy. ” “ the worst part is that you’ll never say you’re sorry. ” “ i have trouble looking at you. ” “ when i close my eyes i see who you used to be. ” “ i guess i see you differently. ” “ it would be weird to die naked anyway. ” “ sometimes i wonder if it would be better to just sleep for a while. ” “ i feel like i have no idea what i look like. ” “ i look nothing like what i thought i did. ” “ i feel faded from my own life. ” “ i want to touch you or an open fire or whatever will hurt me. ” “ i feel like i’m living in a loop where the end is coming. ” “ i’m running out of time while i’m just sitting here. ” “ is it possible to be terrified of death and at the same time a ghost who doesn’t care if they’re drowning” “ i want to kiss you or cut you or kill myself. ” “ at some point i realized i would never come first. ” “ by then i was empty. ” “ i had to beg you to come back. ” “ it’s amazing how long you can convince yourself to wait for someone before you realize they aren’t coming.” “ the bitterness is taking over again. ” “ i feel like there are rats in my bloodstream, chewing out the good parts of me. ” “ i keep waking up unable to breathe. ” “ i could never be honest with you about what i was feeling. ” “ i stripped myself down to weeds. ” “ you need to see yourself as winning. ” “ it just hurts, i guess. that you still mean a lot to me. ” “ welcome to the world of consequences. ” “ i gave you something and you destroyed it. ” “ i wish you knew how to take responsibility for your actions. ” “ don’t look at me like that. ” “ you took everything you wanted. ” “ did you really think you’d get away with it ” “ i know you wanted it to be different. ” “ you threw yourself at others because for a second the idea of love could silence the rest of it.” “ how many people did you hurt just because you could ” “ you pushed them away and now you’re sad they won’t come crawling back. ” “ biting the knife eventually cuts your tongue. ” “ all you wanted was a happiness that didn’t taste of blood. ” “ it is an odd thing to get over what hasn’t been. ” “ chew off the parts of yourself that refuse to callus and instead keep bleeding. ” “ the wound won’t close because the wound shouldn’t have opened. ” “ there is so rarely an ending before a beginning. ” “ the snake in my veins eats me. ” “ i would have chewed my own heart out if it meant feeding you. ” “ people are mirrors. ” “ i wasn’t good enough and the blood in me is dry already. ” “ i have all these plans but my hands are a paper cup and my dreams leak on out the bottom.” “ opportunities bang on my window and i wave at them as they pass by. ” “ i sit here wondering why i can’t argue myself into moving. ”
leading on the action caught in a cellphone's rays bleeding on a sofa staring at the waistline he's coming and she knows it even though she knows why footsteps in the hallway girl, you haven't got time ( ind. pri. nsfw. mcu. original winter soldier. )
@youngestsoldicr hit that 💖.
“ ... what did you expect?”
@omicronthefifteenth hit that 💖.
“ ... society will never welcome things like us.”

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