Freedom Enlarger

CITIZEN, STOP LISTENING TO LENA DUNHAM. THAT WOMAN IS AN IDIOT.

CITIZEN, ALL POLICE OFFICERS WILL HENCEFORTH BE REFERRED TO BY THEIR PROPER NAME: FREEDOM HEROES.

CITIZEN, THE QUARTERLY DRAWING FOR DUE PROCESS TOKENS WILL BE HELD ON FRIDAY. FREEDOM POINTS CAN BE EXCHANGED FOR ENTRIES IN THE DUE PROCESS TOKEN LOTTERY, BUT ENTRIES MUST BE RECEIVED BY TUESDAY. DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE FOR A JURY TRIAL AND PROFESSIONAL REPRESENTATION THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE ARRESTED.

CITIZEN, WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT THOSE OF YOU EARNING MORE THAN $200,000 (US) ARE NOW ABLE TO SUE YOURSELF FOR NEGLIGENCE AND COLLECT DAMAGES FROM ANY LIABILITY POLICIES YOU HOLD.

CITIZEN, ONCE WE REPEAL ACA, YOU CAN REST EASY IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE MAKING THE WORLD SAFER BY LOWERING TAXES ON YOUR BETTERS. WE ARE ALL EQUAL BUT SOME OF US ARE MORE EQUAL. THAT WOULD BE THOSE AMONG US WHO HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY THAT THEY USE TO MAKE MORE FREEDOM. AND JOBS. IF WE TAKE ANY OF THEIR MONEY THERE WILL BE LESS FREEDOM AND LESS DEMOCRACY. TRUST US ON THIS ONE, CITIZEN, YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

CITIZEN, THERE HAS BEEN A TRAGIC FAILURE OF NATIONAL SECURITY INTELLIGENCE. ALL FUTURE INSTANCES OF THE SNOOP DOGG, WILLY NELSON, WIZ-KALIFA BAR B QUE HAVE BEEN PERMANENTLY CANCELED.

CITIZEN, THE URINE SAMPLE COLLECTION INTERVAL HAS BEEN CHANGED FROM MONTHLY TO BIWEEKLY. PLEASE RETURN YOUR SPECIMEN JARS TO YOUR LOCAL FREEDOM WATCHTOWER ON EVERY OTHER TUESDAY.

CITIZEN, TO COMBAT WINTER CHILL AND ENHANCE DEMOCRACY, MANDATORY COAL PURCHASES HAVE BEEN RAISED 15% FOR THE SEASON.

CITIZEN, THE IRANIAN FREEDOM INITIATIVE HAS BEGUN. YOUR COUNTRY REQUIRES YOUR PARTICIPATION. PLEASE VISIT YOUR NEAREST HALLIBURTON FIELD OFFICE TO SCHEDULE YOUR FREEDOM AUDIT.

CITIZEN, THERE IS A LOT OF BACKLOG OF VALUABLE FREEDOM INFORMATION THAT WE ARE MOVING TO THE TUMBLRS. DON’T EXPECT THIS KIND OF HIGH END FREEDOM WORK TO CONTINUE FOREVER. 

CITIZEN, THE ENGINE OF DEMOCRACY IS POWERED BY TAX CUTS AND GLOBAL FREEDOM INITIATIVES. TO INCREASE FUNDING TO THE PATRIOTIC DEMOCRACY ENGINE, COST CUTTING MEASURES WILL BE ANNOUNCED OVER THE COMING WEEKS, UNDER THE NEW "POWERED BY: DEMOCRACY" BRANDING. WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE OUR FIRST POWERED BY: DEMOCRACY INITIATIVE. THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION IS BEING SUB CONTRACTED TO A JOINT VENTURE OF MONSANTO AND ASTRAZENECA.

CITIZEN, IT IS IMPORTANT ON THIS SPECIAL PATRIOTIC DEMOCRACY HOLIDAY TO REMEMBER THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT ALL POSSIBLE, THE WALTON FAMILY.

CITIZEN, DUE TO OVERWHELMING PUBLIC MANDATE, AND TO SUPPORT THE WAR ON HEROIN, ALL NAME-BRAND, NON-GENERIC OPIATES ARE NOW AVAILABLE WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION.

CITIZEN, ALL WHITE HOUSE PRESS OFFICE FUNCTIONS HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY SUBCONTRACTED TO A JOINT VENTURE OF COMCAST AND GOOGLE. ALL OFFICIAL FREEDOM NEWS WILL BE DISSEMINATED VIA THE OFFICIAL DEMOCRACY CHANNEL.

CITIZEN, HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR? NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO SCHEDULE A BORN AGAIN CEREMONY BEFORE YOUR LOCAL FREEDOM TRIBUNAL. ACT NOW AND RECEIVE A LIFETIME 1% DISCOUNT AT WAL MART*. *NOT VALID WITH OTHER DISCOUNTS, COUPONS, OR OFFERS

CITIZEN, YOUR ENTHUSIASM FOR PATRIOTIC CELEBRATION WILL BE NOTED IN YOUR PERMANENT FILE. REMEMBER, ENTHUSIASM EARNS YOU EXTRA DEMOCRACY POINTS, WHICH CAN BE EXCHANGED FOR DEMOCRACY PRIVILEGES OR AMMUNITION.