frawg

You will never believe how much worse my life has gotten. You would accuse me of not even trying. Does it come as a surprise that I’m just waiting to fight at this point? I mean I just wanna be in the right and pop somebody. I’m not a good person and now niggas is just homeless. I blame my family because I never felt comfortable and they kept pushing me out but what a mess I’ve made of my life. They are so happy without me and I don’t even want to be positive anymore. I’m hoping to die in my sleep atp. I don’t even got no one to talk to. My friends not even my friends anymore. My best friends are at pivotal points in their lives and one of them just don’t wanna see my crash out the other is just being difficult about every little thing and is probably just hurting. The only women I’ll ever love is so open and I’m such a failure. I know that I’ll never love anyone as much as I love her and I’m just gonna settle or be alone so I don’t mistreat anyone. My life is pointless and I’m deranged at this point. All my mother can say is go to the hospital or seek mental help. I got nothing and when I finish trade school I’m gonna stop talking to everyone but that woman and my best friends if they still even wanna be involved but anyone could help me and I’ve asked they just won’t or make excuses. I’m gonna remember this and last year for the rest of my life because this next year I’m gonna start making more money and I’m gonna have to not turn evil. But even right now I’m waiting on my peewee ass direct deposit which is late for whatever reason. I feel like I’ve earned the right to use any slur in private behind the wheel of this car, I have no peace or comfort. When I do have those things I won’t even get on twitter or instagram again. Fuck all the media at that point. I just want to get some money safe for a funeral and I’m back to finding ways to numb my reality. Nobody asked about me or worried and I guess that’s cause I’m just a man i guess but I could still do something so wrong because of the way I feel and I’m trying not to but I can feel myself coming closer to losing my freedom because don’t nobody give a fuck and this is my only platform I don’t know anyone on so the amount of respect you lose for me doesn’t even matter. I do want to end my life but I think I’ll just ruin someone else’s one day instead. This shit been hard from jump I used to pray to god we all would die in my house. I’m so close to just praying to the devil that’s how desperately I need some shit to work out for me

I’m sorry I’m such an asshole on here I have been tolerated I should be a bit more respectful of the fact I don’t know what anyone else has going on. I wish you all luck in your journeys but I only came back to clarify my post the other day was not about ending my life this year it was about gaining control of my substance abuse. And I’m really just a dumb, privileged idiot who got himself here just don’t crash out y’all 💯 I ain’t no better or worse than I was in silence so don’t bottle it up tho yo my stomach jumping tomorrow gon be a better day

I have to make My Pillow 3.0

But like I just need a good job and my own place and I gotta leave these people alone. Need some new alien mfs to chill with maybe I’ll get ate up I’m good on salvaging shit it feel too tainted I choose me I’m sorry I hate cooperating I’ve been so close to asking deliberately for things from a different force I just know I gotta keep going

Mania almost worse than depression tho because I really believe I can take control of my life and it will comfort me more when it don’t work than if it actually does. I’m so content at this moment but tomorrow I know I was ache from a place I can’t feel at the moment. I can’t play the reindeer games. Doesn’t it feel like you putting your soul on the auction block for a few thousand views. I’ve never had no few thousand views but I remember payday and jerk chicken and head fondly. Maybe that is enough for now because my heart hurts when I’m under someone’s thumb. I don’t deserve what I thought I wanted anyway I really will usually be fine or content and that’s all. Tbh I’ve come to the conclusion that we really do settle unless we ask more of ourselves or someone else. I kinda do like going back and forth and when someone gets in my face but imagine you meet someone just as inexperienced as you goofing off and you genuinely just stop thinking like that. It’s not and the sex but inexperienced with being considerate or cared for. I meet a lot of people that have soundbits like Roman Roy I hate that neurotic shit I don’t have that buzz feed article debate club extra curricular apt shit down at all. Admittedly I’m a moron so I just be talking to fill space I just should budget to keep weed near me so I just say dumb little things I don’t think I should even think no more. I don’t even be knowing why im saying stuff. I love being stupid

I had just woke up one day and thought they should stop me from unloading trauma but that’s my job and they never had nobody do all that to them so I had to stop drinking and smoking cigarettes but I’m slowly realizing that helps me hate myself and never get better but now I don’t want to be around anyone I’ve known and I want to be places they would never go because they didn’t come see me and I came to see them and they go places together they’d never invite me and my friend has no idea but tbh I’m too grown and black to let it bother me but it does and I’m not lazy I’m fucking in my head like whatever I won’t self diagnose but I really should just ask for butt instead of trying to make it more than that because I think I lose respect for lying and saying it should be more when all I want is more I never see your side of things it extends to everything I’m not selfish I don’t know how to make you all you want to be and you make me as small as the last person made you feel because I was the opportunity to have someone just be kind but I messed that up and you thought I was different but but but I won’t snap because I’m a big boy and tbh it’s funny I could have just been more honest with myself and you but now I can use this “in my head” thing and just not be around anyone I know and try to just be a better person to my mom and myself and people I don’t know that I could start a healthy life with because I fouled up with the people I know and they see me as a hamster or class pet and the people I thought I understood the best are actually not knowable and have been playing that game so well for so long they are nearly unrecognizable I almost forget we did drugs and were caught in the rain together broke bread and learned things together it doesn’t matter because now I need to get my apartment house thing going and good job and research where I can go to never run into any of these people ever again because they harbor such hate for even each other they’re just happy they started cooperating long enough to get a video I honestly feel better off in this hard realization as a privileged black possibly autistic mf than playing part and continuing to numb myself to the bullshit and I’m not a good person I don’t want to be nice I want to love life I’m so close to asking satan for things I really need a miracle not $10,000 I need to change everything like 100 not going to do a thing you can’t give me a million even I have to actually just be alone at work realizing how ass life is for a few months to workshop how to make one good decision

I think I’m going to do it this year