*Screaming into a void*

TW for talk of death

A soft chill filled the air, the kind to make your nose and cheeks sting, not altogether unpleasantly. Leaves fell gently to join their numerous fallen comrades, covering the ground beneath the spidery trees overhead.

Leo shuffled forward to the headstone, his boots heavy on his usually-almost-bare feet. His thick clothes kept him warm, but really, he felt nothing. Not warm. Not cold.

Not unsettled.

But not comfortable either.

He hadn't wanted to come today. Well, okay, he had, but he didn't think he should. Not out of any lingering guilt he still had! He was totally over that! Yep!

...Maybe he still felt a little guilt. But his family had insisted. Plus it was easier to take a portal across Manhattan than to load everyone up into the tank, so he couldn't exactly hide away; heaven forbid he say no to his family if he could be of any convenience to them.

"Hey, Big Guy," Leo murmured, his voice creaking in his throat.

A light breeze answered him, swishing his red scarf.

Leo cleared his throat. "It's, uh, been a while? I don't really know what to say."

The headstone glittered with misty dew in the cold autumn sun.

"Guess I'll tell you what's new. Um. Oh, Mikey's growing hair! So that's weird and cool. Actually, he'll probably tell you about that when it's his turn."

Somewhere in the distance behind Leo, he heard the crunch of his family's footsteps as they strolled together along the graveyard path. They kept a good distance, giving Leo his turn for some one-on-one.

"Um, I, uh, I'm putting in a lot of training hours. I think you'd be proud."

His arms ached, his legs ached, everything ached. He ignored these sensations.

He felt nothing.

Leo's fist tightened around the single red rose he carried at his side.

"I remember sparring with you. Maybe Dad taught us how to punch, but you taught me how to punch hard. You never held back. And I'm only as strong as I am today because you pushed me."

Leo swallowed down on something that had risen in his throat.

"I know I don't deserve it, but...I want you back. If not for myself, then at least for everyone else.

"I don't...I can't do this by myself, Raph. You were always so much stronger than me. I-I...I don't know what to do..."

Leo's voice broke into a whisper on the last words. He shut his eyes, tight, feeling hot tears squeeze through and trail down his icy cheeks. He grit his teeth, his fist curling tight around the stem of the rose.

His heart ached.

Suddenly, he felt a shift all around him. The chilly air was swept away and a warmth surrounded him with a woosh of silence.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by darkness. Not the kind of darkness that trapped or suffocated though. It felt like the darkness of a tunnel; even though Leo couldn't see light at the end of it, he knew, instinctively, that it led somewhere.

And in front of him was...

"Hey, Leo."

Leo blinked, eyes wide. "R-Raph?"

Raph looked like one of his ninpo doubles, translucent and glowing, but he was a soft jade green, as opposed to the glowing cherry red of his ninpo.

"Is this real?" Leo asked, voice quiet with disbelief and hope.

Raph reached out with both hands and carefully took Leo's hand in them. The hand clutching the rose.

Leo gazed at Raph's hands, made of solid light. He had expected them to feel like glass. Or pure heat. Or nothing.

But...they felt calloused and solid and warm.

...They just felt like Raph's hands.

Leo choked back a sob.

Raph gently pried open Leo's fist, revealing blood smeared on Leo's palm where the rose's thorns had punctured his skin.

Raph sighed.

"Some things..." Raph trailed off and shook his head.

Without warning, Leo was enveloped in a hug he never thought he'd share with his big brother again. His entire frame was dwarfed by Raph's sheer mass, gentle yet shielding, his strong arms holding, what could only be to Raph, a very little brother.

Leo was so small compared to him.

Leo froze, his breath hitching for a second. Then he sank into the hug, wrapping his arms as far around his brother as they would go, clinging despite the sting in his hand. Like his life depended on it.

He sobbed. He cried like the broken kid he was. Raph let him. Held him, steady and solid.

After a minute, maybe an hour, who knew? Leo's breaths calmed to shuddering sighs.

"Better?"

Was it? Leo wasn't sure. This was so much. Raph was here, but...not.

"Why did you have to leave us?" Leo said miserably, his forehead resting on Raph's chest.

"What, ya think I planned this?"

Leo reached a hand up to pound a fist against Raph's light-plastron. Not very hard, just enough to say, 'you know what I meant, jerk.'

Raph sighed. "I guess it was my time. It comes sooner for some of us. But Leo, listen."

Raph knelt down to one knee so he was approximately eye-level with Leo, give or take a few inches.

"I never really left. Anatawa hitorijanai, remember? You're not doing this alone. I'll always be with ya. Even if it's just like this. Even if it's just in memories. And someday, we'll be with each other in person again."

Leo wiped at his eyes with the heel of his uninjured palm. "Can...can I come back to visit you?"

Raph smiled warmly. "Any time."

Raph reached down and held up Leo's bleeding palm again. He pursed his lips.

"When you leave this place..." Raph started, "When you're back where you belong...can ya promise me you'll take care of yourself?"

Leo opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come. What, did he think he could argue? Say, 'no promises'?

This was essentially his brother's last wish.

He looked away at the nothing surrounding them. "I'll...I'll try."

Raph huffed a breath and a smile teased his lips. "I'll hold ya to that. Don't think I won't ask again the next time you visit, Buster."

Leo laughed. Wow, when was the last time he'd done that?

Next time.

*******

"Leo?!"

Leo's eyes snapped open. He gasped and the cold air stung his nostrils again. Or maybe he had been breathing this air the whole time. It had just felt warmer. In that place.

Leo glanced down at the hand on his arm, then to the brother attached to it; Mikey.

"You were totally zoned out there for forever! We couldn't wake you!"

Leo was still standing, but he realized the sun had moved further up the sky than he remembered it. It was still cold, but slightly warmer. How long had he been visiting...

"I saw Raph!" Leo whirled toward Mikey, grabbing the startled box turtle's arms.

"What?!" His family said in unison.

Just now did Leo register that everyone else had been behind him; Donnie, April, CJ and Splinter. Along with Mikey, they all stared in confusion and maybe even a little bit of hurt.

Donnie stepped forward. "Nardo, if this is some sort of prank, it's not—"

"It's not a prank!" Leo let go of Mikey and then grabbed Donnie's battleshell latches. "I was talking to Raph, just now!"

"We all talk to Raph," April said gently, "That's why we come here."

"Nonono, no!" Leo laughed, almost giddy. They just didn't get it!!

"I wasn't talking to his grave, I was talking to him, and he was talking to me! In the spirit realm place…thingy. Like where Raph talked to Gram-Gram once!"

Realization dawned in all of their eyes, and Leo felt even more hope and joy rise in his chest. He flung his arms around Mikey and spun the smaller turtle around.

"He's still with us! He never left!"

Leo's own laugh caused Mikey to laugh.

Donnie squinted at Leo, arms crossed. “How exactly did you enter into this ‘spirit realm place thingy’?”

“I dunno. I was just...talking to his headstone and poof! There I am!"

CJ stepped in, giving Leo a studying look. "It must have been a catalyst. You don't really contact ancestors or passed family without scrolls or spells. With the proper focus, you can reach out directly with ninpo at a conduit, like a person…or a gravesite. But it's rare that you call on them accidently unless you're in severe distress."

Everyone stared at CJ. Then they slowly turned their gazes to Leo.

Leo felt a drop of sweat bead conspicuously on his very bald head, despite the chilly air.

"Wh-ha-hat?" He laughed, sounding super chill and not nervous at all. "Like I am still that deep in mourning."

Everyone gave him an unimpressed look.

Leo waved his hand. "Okay, I was a little upset. Aaand THEN poof. There I was. And there he was."

Splinter stepped up to Leo, reaching up and placing a little rat hand on Leo's own…oh.

He'd forgotten about the blood.

Splinter looked at Leo’s torn palm, expression stony.

Leo knelt to be level with his father. He kept his voice low for only the two of them.

“Don't worry, Dad. I already talked to Raph. About…stuff. I'll…everything will be okay.”

Splinter looked into Leo's eyes with his own piercing gaze. He held Leo's stare. Neither of them backed down or glanced away.

Splinter nodded with a grunt. Then he smiled. He placed his other hand softly on Leo's cheek, a thumb tracing the red mark under his eye.

“You will be,” Splinter said. “I trust our dear Raphael.”

Leo huffed a laugh. “Still don't trust me?”

“I would trust you with my life, my son. But not yours. Not all the way yet, anyway.”

Leo sighed, but smiled. “That's…fair.”

When Leo rose to join Splinter in turning back to the rest of the group, he found Donnie, Mikey and April had all ganged up to start grilling Casey on how exactly they could all visit Raph individually.

“All right,” Leo said, speaking above the fervent questions from his siblings. “Break it up guys, we'll get this figured out, but give Future Boy a breather.”

Casey gave Leo a grateful look.

“I wanna say hi to Raph!” Mikey said, bouncing on his heels.

Leo chuckled, feeling a warmth bloom from within his heart. “Don’t worry, Hermanito, you will. And you can, any time.”

Mikey’s eyes widened. “How?”

Leo looped an arm around his shorter brother’s shoulders, and Mikey sputtered a laugh as Leo gave his peach-fuzz scalp a noogie. “He’s always with us. He’ll hear you.”

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Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little one-shot :) it was beta'd by the lovely @duckcrumbs; thank you so much for your input!!

And I need to tell someone before I explode

It was a new au too

I have fixed it, Little Moon has golden eyes with purple pupils not purple irises

Tagged who I could on Tumblr: @littlemissartemisia @foxsoulart @salbitesyou @kazuthedumbfox @bill2424 @oraclemilf

Individual drawings for the scrapbook drawing below cut ⬇️⬇️⬇️

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AJSCUEJDONGSKSPCJNSKAHFICNDOFNSMDOJFMSLALFDDHHFHFH

They're amazing and beautiful and wow and aaaahhhhhh the sheer amount and wow andI'mtrying tomakethisunderstandablebutithinkimgonnacryiloveveryoutfitandsoullooksamzinginyourstyleandimovercomeihavenowordsandimacryinthecornernowomygoshness

And I need to tell someone before I explode

It was a new au too

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