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hehe

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hehe
So much emphasis is placed on Artemis' youth in the original series (e.g., teenage criminal mastermind, juvenile genius, child prodigy, etc), that I feel like a very funny route for TFT to take would have been Artemis forgetting he's no longer so new to the game. An antagonist assumes Artemis is the twins' father, and Artemis is thrown into a quarter-life crisis for a week. When did he get *old*, damnit??
#30 year old artemis addressing the twins over holo-call: look we're all child prodigies here.
#lazuli in the background: are you.
Artemis losing the will to crime when he realises he's too old to beat any of the age records set by previous criminals :'(
Suddenly it's no longer a fun competition :'(
@little-mouse-adventures LOL
According to the first book the fairies are allergic to holy water.
I implore you all to consider an alternative ending to The Last Guardian where Artemis simply sprays holy water at Opal's face to defeat her
I wonder if it's a contact thing, or if they have to ingest it. Because the alternative is Artemis offering to discuss things with Opal over a cup of Earl Grey tea made with holy water.
Oooh, I do like this. And this is Opal, she would so go to this little tea party, thinking she'd finally driven him to insanity with her devilish schemes. And Artemis does indeed act like he's in the throws of a nervous breakdown (very Alice in Wonderland "Mad Hatter") when she comes in. Eventually, Opal swigs her tea, leaving Artemis in his maddened state, for the last few minuets of his pathetic human life before she opens the gate. Then bam. Her insides are burning, her magic is being drained, and she's finding it hard to breath. Artemis gets up from his seat, suddenly calm, unnaturally so.
Artemis: I will admit, Opal, I am somewhat of a disciple of the elaborate plans, not to the degree of a zealot. But, I do find a strange sort of... beauty , in unearthing seemingly ridiculous answers to scenarios others have deemed impossible. However, on rare occasions, it is nice to return to old classics. Nostalgia, some might call it. Though, by all rights, I should be too young for thoughts such as that.
Opal: (croaking, on the floor) W-what did you-
Artemis: (takes a bottle out of the whisky cabinet) Holy Water, my dear Opal. I used it many years ago, on another fairy. A sprite in Ho Chi Minh City. That was how I gained access to the book. Of course, I have changed a lot in that time. Holly didn't give me much of a choice in that regard. But I never forgot what I learned that day. I've actually studied Holy Water to some extent. Did you know, that the water itself is not what does damage to the fairy system, but trace elements of magic? My theory is that, those who have the ability to create actual Holy Water are humans with some degree of magical ability. Perhaps in a another life, one in which humans and fairies could share this world, they would have been warlocks? But, I am getting ahead of myself.
Opal: (meanwhile, crawling across the floor to a dropped communicator)
Artemis: (walks over, and smashes the communicator with his heel) Come now Opal, you're a scientist, though I use the term loosely, I thought you would be fascinated by my discoveries. Now, where was I? Ah yes, Holy Water. The water itself is simply a stabiliser, like flour in the combination of oil and water. The rites and rituals associated with its creation are simply a means of focusing that magic, like thinking the command to "heal". Giving the magic form and direction. In this case, the form and direction to do harm to being that are not human. Granted, this is meant mostly for beings of a more "spiritual" plane, but the outcome is the same. A targeted killer, using magic to end a specific species time on this earth. Does that not sound familiar, Opal?
Opal: (spits at him) So now what? Tie me up, give me a shot of magic, and wait for the LEP to arrive?
Artemis: No, Opal. Not this time. I've come to the realisation that you will never stop your pursuit of world domination, whatever form you believe that will take. And though I find it mildly entertaining to deal with your antics, and send you back to prison time and time again, I will not live forever. At the very least, I will not live as long as you. And then who does the responsibility fall to? My brothers? My descendants? Forever bound to you, and your pathetic whims? No. I would never do that to them. So, I am simply going to leave you. I will leave you here, while the Holy Water does its work, and come back when you are gone.
Opal: (while Artemis is walking from the room, slowly becoming more and more frantic) No. No, you wouldn't do that. You're good now, you said it yourself. Hell, you couldn't even kill that sprite! I'll go quietly, then. I'll serve my time, I'll be a good little citizen but... No, come back. I... Oh, going to make me beg? And you call me pathetic. Honestly, when I am queen, I will make you suffer a thousand times over for what you've done. You're lucky to breath the same air as me, and soon you wont-
Artemis: (at the door, looking back over his shoulder) Some of us would like to grow up, and grow past these childish games, Opal. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to find my brother Beckett and make sure he is safe before bedtime. He gets awfully grouchy otherwise.
And then he just leaves. And Opal dies the one way she fears the most, unimportant, unwitnessed, unloved.
Sorry @shortace I seem to have gone a bit mad with this. @a-c-u-l-o-s was this the sort of thing you imagined for this post when you first wrote it?
Getting BBC Sherlock vibes. Especially this scene.
I do, indeed take that as a complement @tarchey-reblobs. BBC Sherlock was one of my main hyper fixations for a long time, and the writing still has merit, in places at least :)
Oh Iβm getting shivers just picturing his expression when he stands up I love it
*Distant demonic Christmas bells jingle in the distance*
I have lost complete control of this post and I'm not even mad about it

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the artemis fowl wiki, everyone
a worthwhile addition:
from opal :)
. . . Jon Spiroβs fursona, everybody.
Update: I found Fowl Srβs
Angelineβs
Opalβs
Artemisβs
Butlerβs
Foxyβs
AU in which Holly Short wasnβt tranqed when she was kidnapped in book one and just spends the entire ride to Fowl Manor complaining loudly over Butlerβs shoulder.
holly: i donβt think that was a legal stop :/
butler: no it was trust me, iβm a professional
-
holly: whoa there grandma, mind the speed limit. wouldnβt wanna reach our destination too quickly now, would we?
butler: donβt you βgrandmaβ me - what are you, a hundred years old???
-
holly: can we put on some tunes?
butler: *turns radio on*
holly: NOT THOSE TUNES
-
holly: *gasp* is that a mcdonalds? quick pull over, letβs get some nugs!
artemis: i thought fairies couldnβt eat meat?
holly: pfft, like thereβs meat in mcdonalds chicken nuggets
artemis: fair enough. butler, pull over.
butler: WE HAVE FOOD AT THE MANOR.
You inspired this important addition.
Artemis sitting in the back seat listening to the muffled sounds of Holly yelling at Butler to change the tunes from inside the trunk
he can't drink that. he has a mask on. he did it for the aesthetic and the aesthetic only. king.
That's just Artemis Fowl II. Somewhere off camera Butler is rolling his eyes while Juliet films
Artemis on the public transport in Haven
"Look Holly, I have a reputation to upkeep."
"You don't even drink!"
"It's about giving people what they want."
The two people in the background:Β βLook, Petal. Look! This Mudman is living the life! Why donβt you let me enjoy myself!?β
"Godammit Frank, you're going to lose your magic if you drink with mudpeople!"
Frank, muttering: "Maybe I lost my magic after 250 years of marriage with you..."
"Excuse me?!"
~~ Holly staring disapprovingly at Artemis ~~
Artemis: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. I couldnβt help but overhear your argument. Care to share?
Frank: Well, I think my marriage isnβt what it used to be, you know? It all started when her mother moved in, really.
Artemis: *nod* When was that?
Frank: About 100 years ago.
Artemis: I understand. In-laws can really suck the fun out of any marriage, am I right? *laughs congenially*
Holly: You arenβt even married!!!
Later that evening as Artemis is reading the PeopleWebNews.
"Of course they didn't pick the wine picture for the front page," he scoffed, pushing his phone away.
"Hold on, you wanted the paparazzi to follow you?!"
"Of course, Holly. It's all part of my social media campaign," he said matter-of-fact.
"Artemis. Artemis, why are you running a social media campaign?" Holly asked horrified.
Artemis gave her an indulgent smile.Β βWhy? Holly, Holly, Holly. You are too innocent for this world.β
Holly ground her teeth.Β βSpit it out, Mud Boy.β
Before Artemis could answer, Butler entered the sitting room, a pile of papers in his hand. Going through them, Artemis nodded.Β
βAh, very good. Oh, yes, the reason for my campaign. Power, of course. But I am doing it the legitimate way. I am running for president.β
Holly choked on her tea, coughing violently.
It was approximately three months later when Holly was forced to capitulate.
She had spent the past months attempting to convince everyone that it was a terrible idea to vote for Artemis as president. The human wasn't even old enough to vote in fairy elections for crying out loud.
She knew the increasing number of news articles exposing members of the Council of corruption, sexism and various misdeeds had been orchestrated by Artemis, however there was no doubt that the allegations were true.
She had to accept that Artemis Fowl II was the least corrupt person in the running for president.
Unsurprisingly, Artemis Fowl II won a landslide victory. His opponent, Luke Cudgeon, a nephew of the late Briar Cudgeon, had no chance.
βSo, Master Fowl. You won more power, what next?β Holly asked, while the count of the votes was almost finished.
Artemis looked up from his phone, thoughtful.
βI donβt know, Holly. What more can a genius like me achieve? All this people at my mercy, ready to be extorted by higher taxes... Is this what I have become? A complacent politician?β
Hollyβs mouth fell open.Β βYou have to be joking!βΒ
"So that's your hundred year policy plan? Higher taxes? A bit predictable if you ask me."
Artemis smirked. "You don't expect me to tell you all of it-" he paused."What do you mean by hundred years?"
"The next election isn't until the next century." Foaly added.
Artemis stared at him wide-eyed. "That wasn't in the documents."
Foaly leaned in close to him. "Oh you mean the documents that you hacked into my system to read? Those documents, mudboy?"
An Artemis Fowl Museum could totally work, right?? My notes so far:
Actually adorable π

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I'm so upset over how little Foaly and Opal themed hate banter we got in the books.
Colfer could have given us God-tier Holt/Wuntch animosity but he choose not to
Ok but an AU where opal isn't a obviously evil person trying to take over the world, but where she secretly wants the team to fail and actively tries to thwart them but while working on the inside. So she works at the Lep and they all hate her but can't technically do anything except make petty comments to her
So they spend basically the whole series doing this
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Like they're all petty and sassy enough for this to be super fun
Also bonus, since I enjoyed doing Brooklyn nine nine memes for this series
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I love these so much! THAMK!
Tin foil was invented (by humans, at any rate) in the late 1800s, say 150 years ago. Foaly is considerably older than that. I wonder what he wore before that.

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