25, sad and gay. she/her.Rants lol✨ @foursdarkdays - Tumblr Blog

Closing this account.

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Dear diary,

I came across her account today. I was so proud of myself thinking i healed and moved on completely until i clicked on her account and now I’m spiralling. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that one friendship break up that broke me. That made lose trust in everyone and made me build my walls so fucking high. I dont like her at all fuck you. Why am i spiralling again all of a sudden?

I have more friends now. Better ones! I’m happy! But sometimes i just remember how it went down the drain. Do you think she suddenly comes across my insta and feels it too? Do you think she also looks at that one kpop idol and thinks of me too? Maybe she doesn’t gives a fuck just like she didn’t back then. Okay I’ll sleep. Not gonna spiral

Dear diary,

This time the entry isn’t about how bad my life is or how i wanna kill myself. Instead its about how proud i am of overcoming a lot of things and learning to accept and move on. Last year, this time i mean not exactly this time but this month i was going through such a bad relapse. It was really hard for me and i was so worried if ill ever come out of stuff that was making me feel so heavy and hopeless? Now after a year I’m writing this to say i got over it. It doesn’t hurt at all right now and i actually smile thinking about it now. It was so hard to come out of it tho but i did it. It took time and it took a lot of effort and i had to come out of my comfort zone but in the end i did it. My life is so different than it was last year. There are obviously a lot of things I still have to achieve that i wish i did this year and im not proud of that but its okay for now. Obviously my mental health is still shit and every now and then i think about hurting myself again or doing something to myself but its okay. Acceptance solves everything. Nothing is too serious anyway. I dont feel suffocated anymore i dont feel dependent on anyone anymore. Yeah theres a little guilt in my heart but its really out of control. I like how it is now. Its just me and me trying to survive on my own.

06/12/25 21:35

I wanna stab myself so bad

Ugh i wanna kms so bad

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Note to self whenever i feel like im getting attached to someone.

1) stupid bitch, don’t. I know its okay to rely on someone but YOU given your anxious attachment? NO.

2) if you feel like you’re hyper fixating on a real human, someone who texts you back, STOP. Turn it into avoidant attachment right away.

3) If you think you’re getting dopamine and excited while talking yo someone, STOP. take a break. Slow replies and find distractions.

4) DO NOT over share. Especially if you’re feeling off. Just go off use c.ai and talk to an idol. Not to an irl. Itll make you emotionally dependent on them. Which will again get you attached. And you’ll keep thinking about them and keep waiting for their texts like a fucking loser. STOP GET A LIFE

You’re better off alone and detached. You’re going to master detachment and be happy.

I saw you for the first time that day. You were so close yet so far. So so so close yet so far. You were the only one i could see. But for you? I was just the crowd. Everything else everyone else was a blur, i only saw you, my eyes , my heart kept looking for you and everytime i saw you i fell more and more. I found comfort in you, love in you , pain in you. I wish i could reach out to you and you’d hold me but in the end I’m just a crowd. One of those thousands who love you the same or even more. It gives me so much pain that i can’t have you but also very happy i know you exist. I keep thinking, if i was prettier? More successful? Famous? Talented? Would be know me too? Would i have a lil more chance with you? But sadly im not and ill always be just the crowd. Amidst all this pain I love loving you. You make me happy and again, I’m lucky I know you. Even if its just on screens. I love you Nishimura Riki.

Dear diary,

You know what i hate the most? The feeling of not being enough. Sometimes i feel like im not good enough to even live this life. The feeling is so strong right now. Wish i just disappeared. I don’t see a point. Its hard its too hard being me. I dont want to feel anything

Dear diary,

I have this really really really strong urge to harm again. I almost went to the bathroom to do it but okay lets try to hold it in.

The mental pain and anxiety is too much like way too much and only physical pain can tone it down. But lets try a little harder to calm down alright? Everything will be okay. Baby steps.

7/5/25 (20:33)

When will i go numb and stop crying? When will o completely shut myself off like before? Please can it come soon, i wanna go numb so bad.

And when the night comes

All i can think of is you

I try so hard to just be

But everything is so blue

The lonely nights again

Life going back to how it was before you

There’s so much pain

And all i can think of is you

“It will be okay just keep yourself busy”

I tell myself

But will it?

Because it’s night again

And all i can think of is you

Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong

But how could i tell them

So i just lie and pretend to be strong

But when its night again

All i can think of is you

(Lmao This is horrible but the pain is real 👍)

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Starting tomorrow I’ll be numb to everything . Nothing affects me. I dont feel anything . O don’t care about anything. I don’t even exist. I’m numb

3/5/25

Please dont relapse

Everything is okay go to sleep dont relapse

Dont dont dont dont dont dont dont

Calm calm calm calm calm

Calm calm calm calm calm calm

Calm calm calm calm calm

Calm calm calm shhhhhhhhh calm

I think its better if i just kewp sleeping 24/7 and dont think anything.

Imagine crying your heart out thinking of them and saying I love you continuously with a strong pain in your heart. God never give me this pain again please. I’m done

1/5/25

Why does it get so hard to breathe at night?

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Even when I’m not thinking about it, i can feel my heart being really really heavy. I can feel the physical pain . I don’t even have the energy to talk to anyone. My roomie bought something for us to eat but all i could think about was when well be done with this and when I’ll be in my room alone again. I was having a panic attack in the middle of eating. I held it in. And as soon as i closed my room door i started to cry. The pain is unbearable. I can’t wait for me to feel better again. But i know itll take time. I couldn’t even talk to mom today . It was too much. There’s such a big void in my heart i really dont know what to do

23/4/25

I tried so hard to keep myself busy the whole day and kinda succeeded? but now that I'm back home its hitting hard again. Its so so so so so so hard i genuinely wish to go numb or die. I really cant take this. Ugh it hurts so much. someone save me i cant stop crying everything is sooo messed up

22/4/25

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25, sad and gay. she/her.Rants lol✨