time is passing...

“I thought sayin’ it out loud would help. Been keepin’ everything to myself, you know? Half of me believes it, baby, with all my heart,” he says with all the conviction possible for someone who’s controlling each single muscle of his expression. 

“The other half… is okay with this new normal. There are… perks. There are points to prove. I love you, isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t that enough, he asks, and Jowd breaks eye contact. He jams his hands into the pockets of his favorite green coat. It’s a barb that didn’t have any intention to hurt, but it does, and it gets him to throw one in return.

“What about Alma,” he says thickly.  Alma, who can’t connect with him in the same way. Alma, left on the sidelines again.

“Which points are you trying to prove, and are they worth proving to the people you want to prove them to?” Because he knows. He knows. And the ghosts have been silent for now. No torment, no threats -- everything has been quiet for some time. Isn’t it time? he wants to say, but Jowd swallows his words.

And that’s their problem, isn’t it? They’re good at building walls. Sometimes he wonders about those five years he lost, the ones when they never talked. Who could have avoided it? Or were their paths already traced in advance, stubbornness digging grooves so deep they could never escape them. As far as worldviews go, this one sucks. Cabanela doesn’t like it.

“…I’m tired of this non-life and I want to find a way back to the living, for me, for us. How’s that sound?”

It is something he’s been waiting to hear, yes, but... the admission is a bit of a sour note. Because Jowd, a man who is not exactly well-known for having a healthy bit of self-esteem ever since that day in another life, finds himself doubting the statement.

He’s just saying that because it’s what you want to hear, right? ... Well.  ... Cabs does have a lengthy track record of doing just that. But... But...

A wink and a bow: talk later, baby. About four layers of frustration (1. Yes! Yes it is a problem, how ‘bout some empathy 2. …is it a problem though? I’m doin’ fine. Not about to go murderin’ people or anything 3. Could I honestly tell how much of a problem this spooky deal is for me, or am I forever destined to be reactive out of a healthy and deep-rooted contrarianism? Frick destiny, you knooow? I want to do my thing, but I for possibly the first time in my life, I don’t know what my thing is 4. But if it is a problem, it’s mine. My life. Not anybody else’s. I made a choice for Kamila, one I’ll always be proud of, and I’m the one un-livin’ with the consequences…), but he keeps those to himself for now.

Later, in a secure location, sweeped for nosy ghosts:

“Fiiine. Do you want me to say it?”

He’s tired. And he’s been slowly pulling away into himself, because Jowd does that when he’s tired and not willing to talk about things, especially things related to feelings. This man has a thick, tough shell that he’s perfectly willing to retreat into when he feels it’s neccessary.

“Only if you want to.” 

(elegantly throws a paper plane in Jowd’s direction; opening it reveals the message I THOUGHT IT WAS STILL JULY)

(unfolding it further adds …AND THEY CANNOT KNOW THAT!)

Cabanela is paper plane’d back.

That is a problem.

[mouths CAN’T SHOW WEAKNESS, TALK LATER MAYBE]

Almost a year.

“Oh, I WISH. Better to stay dead than to live in this limbo.”

“It’s my deathday…” And he doesn’t seem very happy.

Sissel pauses grooming to look up at Kamila. He… probably should have hidden his body better.

He makes a mental note for next time, and then gently butts his head against her, purring softly.

Suddenly Sissel’s body finally starts moving again. 

He stretches. and starts grooming like he hasn’t just been out of his body for a day or so.

He understands the gesture to be one of giving - of kindness. In response he runs a hand over the kitten’s fur and strokes under his chin. A shame Sissel can’t feel it, but the gesture is there all the same.

rules: you can only say guilty or innocent. you are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you or asks you. please repost, don’t reblog!!

asked someone to marry you? GUILTY

kissed one of your friends? GUILTY + GETTING THERE

danced on a table in a bar/tavern? INNOCENT

ever told a lie? GUILTY, OF COURSE

had feelings for someone whom you can’t have? GUILTY UNTIL RECENTLY

ever kissed someone of the same sex? I’M NOT TELLING

kissed a picture? INNOCENT

slept in until 5pm? GUILTY

fallen asleep at work/school? GUILTY

held a snake? GUILTY

been suspended from school? INNOCENT

worked at a fast-food chain/restaurant? INNOCENT

stolen something? INNOCENT

been fired from a job? INNOCENT

done something you ‘regret’? G U I L T Y 

laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose? INNOCENT

caught a snowflake on your tongue? INNOCENT

kissed in the rain? GUILTY

sat on a rooftop? INNOCENT

kissed someone you shouldn’t? INNOCENT... FOR NOW

sang in the shower? GUILTY

been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? INNOCENT BUT IT WAS CLOSE

shaved your head? INNOCENT

slept naked? INNOCENT

made a boyfriend / girlfriend cry? GUILTY

shot a gun? G U I L T Y

still loved someone you shouldn’t? GUILTY??? MAYBE?

have / had a tattoo? INNOCENT

liked someone, but will never tell who? GUILTY UNTIL RECENTLY

been too honest? GUILTY

ruined a surprise? GUILTY

been told that you’re beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? INNOCENT BC NOBODY SAYS I’M BEAUTIFUL SPECIFICALLY

still have communication w/ your ex? INNOCENT

cheated on someone? INNOCENT

got so angry that you cried? INNOCENT

tried to stay away from someone for their own good? GUILTY

thoughts about suicide? oh, you know.

thoughts about murder? GUILTY BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU’D THINK

how about mass murder? INNOCENT

stalked someone? GUILTY, FOR JOB REASONS

had a girlfriend / boyfriend? GUILTY

gotten totally drunk during a holiday? INNOCENT

“I’m alriiight,” he replies with a shit-eating grin that tells that they both know that they both are very much not, look, this is exactly as believable as you sound right now. 

But the smile is good! The smile is a start. With some effort, he picks up his arm again (oof, how many muscles is it. too many) and reaches out to playfully caress the ‘stache that conceals that precious smile.

“Been better. Been worse. It was a fun wedding.”

“Uh huh.” Jowd doesn’t sound quite convinced, and is perfectly aware that they’re both hypocrites. They’re fine, they say just to inform the other that they aren’t. This isn’t. It is both fine-yet-not in that no, they aren’t falling apart right now but circumstances are grinding on them.

(Somewhere, Deci might wonder if Cabanela is starting to understand the true burden of being a Manipulator.)

The touch of his hand against his face coaxes the smile to show even more, at least. But there’s a distant look in his eye, seeing somewhere else for a moment before refocusing.