lost and found

17 Pray without ceasing.

I have been engaged before. Before Jesse, I dated someone for a few years and was engaged to him for a few months until he got cold feet and left me. I have planned a wedding before. So with that in mind, I think I have a few things to say about being engaged as a Christian. Here are a few tips on being engaged as a Christian girl:

Previously when I was engaged, the first big no-no that God showed me that I was doing was that I was already acting as if I was married and I hadn’t even said “I do” yet! I was making sacrifices, changing my likes for this guy, all with the mindset of “well this is what being married is supposed to be like: “self-sacrifice”. It was all very unhealthy and it really sucked in hindsight. The first thing I want to make very clear is this: Just because you are engaged, does NOT mean you are married. You are married WHEN YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED. 

The second thing I learned from my previous engagement is that being on the same page, with the same expectations is of the highest importance. You come from a different background, he comes from a different background. You may throw the cutlery in the drawer, he may organise them neatly. You may want the room to be warm, he may want the room to feel like the North Pole. That sort of thing.  I wanted to get married, start exploring new things at a manageable pace with my new husband and learn to be more of a team. My ex-fiance had other plans, all he wanted to do was go 4WD driving, camp all the time and do adventurous things that I wasn’t quite familiar or comfortable with yet. I thought he would hold my hand with these things with patience and care, imagine my surprise when one day he told me that he didn’t want to marry someone who isn’t willing to do the same things he did. He mistook my fear for an unwillingness to participate. We weren’t communicating properly and the engagement came to an end.

Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” James 1:19-20 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

I would really recommend pre-marital counseling to any couple looking to get married, it’s better to bring out any expectations or fears that you may have that you haven’t spoken about with together yet - but in a safe controlled environment with your pastor or mature older couple. (I admit, Jesse & I haven’t done it yet, but will be with our pastor in a few weeks; in the meantime, we went over “101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married” by Norman H. Wright. Great book! And I had an additional 136 or so questions to ask while dating from GirlDefined Ministries which was VERY helpful and I have given it to many friends since.)

Lastly, the third thing I have learned from my previous engagement is that you can never stop learning. I’m only 23, been engaged for the second time now, I don’t want THIS engagement, THIS soon-to-be marriage a failure. I want to set myself up for success, and the best way I know how to do that is to read and study. Now not everyone likes to read, and I understand that, which is why I also listen to audiobooks and podcasts. The books that I have in my book queue to read are: -  Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas - The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller - Letters to a Romantic: On Engagement by Sean Perron and Spencer Harmon

Meet yourself anew every morning.

Allow change.

Allow growth.