It would be an atrocity for me to not testify of what God has done for me today and the past year and a half. Â This post is to testify that God answers prayers.
In the summer of 2013, I became unsure about becoming a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA). Â I started to doubt my intentions and I wondered if this was what God wanted me to do. Â So that summer I prayed earnestly for Godâs will. Â I did not want to pursue a course in which He was not leading. Â I needed to make sure that my pursuit of CRNA was not just because of me. Â What we must understand as Christians is that this earth is not our home. Â We are pilgrims (Hebrews 11:13-16) who look for a Better Country. Â And because of that, we must be careful that we donât make idols of firewood on this earth. Â When we become so absorbed with earthly accomplishments and possessions and by our actions and thoughts we worship things that will burn like firewood on the day of Christâs return, we make idols of firewood. Â Our outlook in this life must be in light of eternity and genuinely caring about what Jesus cares for.
My prayer that summer was for God to lead me into which graduate nursing route to pursue. Â I wanted an answer from Him because I didnât want to just pursue CRNA without knowing He is leading me there. Â At the end of that summer I went on a medical mission trip to Bolivia with the LAC church. Â During the bus ride to our last day of clinic, I began thinking about Nurse Practitioner vs CRNA. Â I was inspired by Dr. Dosung Kim and how God led His life. Â I wanted the same experience. Â I wanted that adventure of living for the Lord however, wherever, and whenever. Â Because of these things and several other reasons that would take too long to explain, I became convicted that NP would be a better choice. Â After we came back from the mission trip, this thought was still brewing in my mind until one morning when Erica and I went to Forest Falls to have morning devotion I officially decided to change my route and start pursuing NP. Â It was completely in faith. Â I felt the familiar feeling of God pointing me in a certain direction with little detail, like Him telling me to go that way but not telling me how things will end up. Â Moreover, I did not want to be a NP for several reasons. Â After working as a nurse for a few years, I did not envy the work life of doctors. Â And being an NP, more specifically an acute care NP which I would pursue, it would be very similar. Â And I did not want to work as a NP and continually be mistaken for a MD. Â There were so many reasons why I did not want to be a NP. Â But I trusted in the Lord. Â I trusted that even if this was not something I wanted to do at the time, if God was leading me in that path then that path was the best path for me. Â So I made the decision.
Then two months ago I had three random encounters that tugged my heart back towards CRNA.  The first was during a joint small group agape feast with a medical student I was not closely acquainted with.  After having small talk with him, he started to tell me about how useful CRNAâs are in the mission field, etc etc⌠That conversation really shook me inside.  The things he was telling me about CRNA began to trump my reasons for pursuing NP.  The second encounter was with a co-worker at LLUMC who I barely knew.  I walk into the break room and she looked at me and said, âBrian, you look like youâd be a nurse anesthetist.â  And I wasnât even working in ICU that day.  Again, this rattled me up inside.  Then at my other job, a co-worker who was applying for CRNA schools came to visit the unit and he started to talk about it with two other co-workers.  During that conversation I started to feel the kind of anxiety that you get when you reeaaalllyyy want something.  I thought I was set on pursuing NP but these seemingly trivial conversations dug deep at my heart and pointed my focus back at CRNA.  This was eerily similar to how God first led me into the nursing profession with signs like these - signs that would appear as coincidental but actually tug at your heart strings.
I started to get frustrated. Â âGod, what is going on?! Â Why is this bothering me so much? Â I thought You and me decided I was going to do NP.â Â Nonetheless, I continued working and mentally pursuing that route. Â After working at Loma Linda, I became more exposed to acute care NPâs and seeing what they do. Â I even talked with one of them about the job and the program. Â And instead of inspiring and encouraging me towards that route, it discouraged me. Â I began to really not want to do it anymore. Â I couldnât see myself enjoying the type of work that they did. Â It seemed so busy, so stressful. Â It bore the kind of responsibility that I didnât want anymore. Â I did not want to diagnose, prescribe, and manage a plan of care for who knows how many patients. Â And the more I thought about becoming a NP the more I dreaded the idea. Â It came to the point where there was no ounce in my body that wanted to do it. Â At the same time, the more I thought about CRNA the more my heart yearned for it. Â But it was not about the money. Â CRNAâs do have a handsome salary but in all honesty money had little to do with it. Â What drew me was the type of work, the balance between chill and action, the multiple options for work setting and work schedule, the practicality for mission trips with surgical teams. Â Mind you, this is a condensed explanation for my reasoning. Â There were so many other aspects that played a role.
I started to pray about it again. Â And hard. Â On paper everything checked off for CRNA. Â Logically there was no reason why I should not pursue it. Â It was everything that I wanted. Â The ONLY thing that I felt was lacking at the time was Godâs leading. Â My prior conviction was that God had led me to pursue NP. Â But why was all this happening? Â Why all the incongruence? Â Why lead me to do NP and then allow me to become passionate for CRNA? Â It didnât make sense. Â Iâm naturally not the kind of person who converses with other people about what Iâm struggling with deep down inside but I felt like I needed godly advice. Â So I started to share it with a few people, though not all the people I planned to talk to. Â I was desperate for some direction from the Lord. Â This was no trivial decision; this would determine the kind of work I would do for the rest of my life.
After sharing it with some people, everything was still pointing towards CRNA. Â But I could not accept it. Â I could not accept that God would actually give me what I wanted so badly. Â I was so used to having the mentality that I am prepared to do whatever and go wherever God would lead, even if itâs something I donât want to do. Â And I was still confused about why we went through the whole NP thing. So I kept the brakes on. Â I did not want to go off of faith on this one. Â It was too risky. Â What if this isnât really God tugging me back to CRNA? Â I was not going to let off the brakes without certainty. Â The only way I would officially pursue CRNA is if I knew 100% that God is leading and not me.
So I decided Iâd put it to the test. Â It was the week before the application deadline for Loma Linda Universityâs CRNA program. Â I have nothing to lose in applying (except the $120 application fee). Â After reviewing all the prerequisites, although I had all of them done, I realized I was a weak candidate. Â My undergrad GPA was within the prerequisite range but it was on the lower side. Â One year of full-time ICU experience was required. Â I had adequate experience to apply but I certainly didnât feel as competent as I wanted to be as an ICU nurse. Â Neither was I Critical Care Registered Nurse (CCRN) certified which was ârecommendedâ. Â Furthermore, I had only taken one of the two science classes that were âhighly recommendedâ for the application.
This was an ideal situation for me to know for sure if it really was God leading me in this direction. Â The only way I was going to get into the program was if God Himself got me in - not my merits, not my experience, not my brains. Â So I submitted my application. Â My last personal recommendation was submitted on the very day of the deadline. Â I was probably one of the last people to apply, if not THE last.
A week later I get a phone call from LLU School of Nursing (which was much earlier than I was expecting). Â They said, âWe had a cancellation and you were next on the list for an interview.â Â Apparently they had already been interviewing people and it sounded like I initially was not selected as one of the interviewees. Â But they had a cancellation which then led them to call me. Â Prior to the interview Iâd have to come in and take the Health Science Reasoning Test. Â They told me itâs not something you can study for. Â I became worried lol. Â I wanted to make sure I do well but after researching what the test was about I realized that I really couldnât study for it. Â It would all be up to God. Â I prayerfully went in to take the test and I scored âSuperiorâ, the highest range you can get. Â That may be nothing to someone else, but to me that was another evidence that God was in control. Â Yesterday I prayerfully went for my interview, which took 10 minutes. Â And I probably answered every question the best that I could have. Â They told me they would make their decisions by the end of the week. Â But it only took a day.
Today at work they called me: âYouâve been accepted into the program.â Â Because of the aforementioned circumstances, I must believe that my acceptance was a result of divine aid. Â There is no way I could have gotten in with my merits.
So I learned something new about God and prayer. Â And this is what I realized: God may take a day, days, months, or years, but He always answers the sincere prayer in the best timing possible, even if that timing may disagree with my finite judgment of when I should get my answer. God finally answered my prayer from a year and a half ago. And it wasnât how I expected Him to. Â But it was the best way that He could have answered it. Â I was unsure about pursuing CRNA. Â I didnât know if it was just me that wanted it or if it would really be God leading. Â So He led me to pursue my alternate option, NP, for a while in order for me to be 100% certain about CRNA and have no regrets about not choosing my alternative. Â All of the reasons that made me decide to pursue NP He overturned.
I am deeply grateful for Godâs faithfulness even in my unfaithfulness. Â Me and my lackluster spiritual dedication did not deserve anything from God. Â But once again, He demonstrated that He delights in mercy and He loves us with an everlasting love. Â How great is our God.Â