For Truth

18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit. 19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly. 20 But while he thought about these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.”

24 Then Joseph, being aroused from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord commanded him and took to him his wife, 25 and did not know her till she had brought forth her firstborn Son.[d] And he called His name Jesus.

Matthew 1

Joseph had just married this girl when he found out she was pregnant, and they hadn’t even had sex yet.  What would Joseph immediately think?  She obviously got pregnant by someone else and she never told him of said affair.  How would you feel if you were Joseph?

If I divorce this Mary, I would be justified in doing so because she made a baby with someone else and she lied to me about it.  No one would give me grief for putting her away.  But if I stay with her, we’ll be the talk of the town.  I’ll be the strange man who stayed with his new wife when she’s having someone else’s baby.  And who’s going to believe she got pregnant by God??  She’s going to be ridiculed, and because I chose to stay with her I’ll be ridiculed.  Do I want to go through that?  Joseph had a choice to make.  Socially, he would have been completely justified in dismissing Mary, whether publicly or privately (though he opted to do it privately so as not to shame her). In obeying the Lord’s command, he was willing to endure the ridicule that he and his new wife would potentially be subject to.

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Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

Hebrews 12:1

The verse makes a distinction between “weight” and “sin”.  Hence it says, “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin...”  Otherwise it would say something like, “Let us lay aside every weight, which is the sin that so easily ensnares us.”  And the verse implies that both sin and weights impede you from running the race.

So what are the weights then?

The weights are things that are not necessarily sinful but because they are in your life, they make the race of faith much harder.  They make you tired/fatigued faster.  There will come a point where you are unable to continue because of the weights.  And you must decide, Is this weight more important than the race or the prize?

A good example of a weight that some may not want to hear is a girlfriend or boyfriend relationship that is spiritually unhealthy for you.  Things may be going okay between you but deep down, if you were honest with yourself, you know that in the big picture this person is not good for you spiritually, not just because they may be against Christianity or the Church but because they are indifferent.  If you are joined together with someone who is indifferent, someone who is not genuinely interested in going the direction of following Jesus, that person will be a weight to you.  It will be harder for you to grow closer to Christ because your heart is shared with one who’s choosing a different direction.  Being in a relationship with this person is not necessarily sinful, but it is a weight to you in your journey with Jesus.  Such weights, the Bible instructs us, must be laid aside.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.  Brethren... one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

Something that is so difficult at times is to forget the things which are behind and reach forward.  In your journey with Christ, you may fall to temptations.  Perhaps you fall repeatedly to the same temptations, as the devil is well aware of your individual weaknesses.  And thereafter you may be faced with an increasing load of guilt or frustration.  But press onward.

This does not mean to skip repentance.  We must retain a sorrow for sin.  But we must not sulk in despondency.  When the child that Bathsheba bore to King David became sick and died, David wept and agonized to the point of not eating or drinking for several days.  But there came a point when he “arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes.”  (2 Samuel 12:20)  He got up and moved on.

The Israelites had the blessing of the knowledge of God, and God’s purpose for them was to spread that knowledge.  They were to be “in the midst of many people as a dew from the Lord, as showers upon the grass.”  Micah 5:7.  They had the prophecies of the coming Messiah, and most of them knew them well.  “But the Israelites fixed their hopes upon worldly greatness.”  DA, 28.  They either misunderstood what it meant to be God’s people and/or by association with those who did not follow God, they were led astray.  And thus, although they knew well the prophecies of the Messiah, they did not know HIM when He came.  And well could He have said, “I know you not.”

History is repeating itself.

As Christians, we are to be as dew from the Lord in the midst of many people; we are to be as showers upon the grass; we are to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth.  But we have conformed to the world.  As Seventh-day Adventists, we are well acquainted with the prophecies of the Bible and of the Second Coming of Jesus (or at least we should be), but because we have conformed to the world and fixed our hopes on worldly greatness we will not be ready when Christ actually comes, regardless of how well we know the prophecies.  The mantra that “Jesus is coming soon” no longer holds weight with us because our eyes are not fixed upward, but downward; and whether we say it internally or externally, we have a new mantra: “Peace and safety.”  And well could He say of us, “I know you not.”

Father, Glorify Your Name

But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

Philippians 1:12-14

Paul was imprisoned (or under house arrest), something that would automatically be considered a bad thing.  He’s not free; he can’t go about doing what he wants; he can’t go out and preach the gospel.  Perhaps this was Satan’s intention.  Paul was extremely effective as a minister and evangelist so Satan wanted him locked up.  But “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28.  Paul being locked up gave him opportunity, whether by his actions or his words, to testify of Christ to his guards.  And him being locked up somehow made other Christian brethren more bold in spreading and defending the gospel.  It even made people preach the gospel with bad intentions (v. 15-18), to which Paul said, “Who cares!  The gospel is being preached!  And for that I rejoice.”

When some bad circumstance happens to you, your first thought should be:God has all power and authority.  As difficult as it may be, your second thought, though, should not be: God, get me out of here.  Your second thought should be:  God, what is your will?  Father, glorify Your name.

One of my favorite quotes of Jesus is John 12:27,28 where Jesus beholds His fate of suffering and death.  But His response is so beast.  “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say?  ‘Father, save Me from this hour?’  But for this purpose I came to this hour.  Father, glorify Your name.”  He knows what’s going to happen to Him, but He doesn’t ask God to deliver Him.  Rather, He tells His Father, “Just glorify Your name, regardless of what happens to Me.”

Then after you decide, “Father glorify Your name,” your actions, words, and demeanor should be as a light to all around you.  “You are the light of the world.”  Matthew 5:14.  A light won’t easily be recognized in the midst of light; it can only seen as a light in the midst of darkness.  In other words, being Christian during happy times and sunny days is important, and perhaps easy.  But it is during rough times and dark nights when remaining Christian will be distinct.

When I try to follow the ways of Christianity without the burden for serving and saving others, eventually zeal and motivation will run dry and my religion, if continued, will become merely a cherished culture, outward practice, and the maintaining of my community.  Christianity has largely become a selfish religion, not at the fault of Christ but the fault of His professed followers whose hearts have been weighed down with "carousing, drunkenness, and the cares of this life."  (Luke 21:34)  Self-seeking, pleasure-seeking, and worldliness dilute our Christianity to the point where the sacred cannot be distinguished from the secular; Christians and Atheists are almost identical in practice and lifestyle.  It was not so with Jesus of Nazareth.  He was as distinct as light is from darkness.  Gentiles followed after Him because His religion was sincere, unlike what they saw in the hypocritical Pharisees.

That’s what I see lacking in our church today - sincerity vs pretense.  It’s been lacking in my life, as I have been struggling in maintaining a close walk with Jesus.  And I feel bad for the poor example I’ve given to others, by living a selfish and worldly life while being a church leader.  I’m unfit, unworthy, and terribly in want.  But that’s exactly why I need to be a Christian.  True Christians are not Christians because they’re perfect people but because they’re sinful and broken people acknowledging their need for a Savior.

I can’t guarantee tomorrow or the day after, but for today I am wholly Christ’s.

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.  

People go on journeys to find themselves, to find out who they really are. But without the light of God we cannot see for ourselves the depths of our hearts. If it were possible to see the depths of our hearts (without God aiding us), we would see a heart so sinful that we would only despair; hopelessness would be our only conclusion.

Thus in God’s great, great wisdom, He made it so that it is only through Him that we may see the depths of our hearts, because “with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption. ” Psalm 130:7. In His incredible wisdom and love for us He made it so that the only way He would allow us to see the true depths of our hearts is if we simultaneously know that with Him there is abundant mercy and redemption.

It is a fact of Christian life that as we grow closer to Jesus Christ, who is the Light of life, we also see a better picture of our own wickedness. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9. As we learn of Jesus Christ in His word, it also reveals to us our own sinfulness. “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.” James 1:23,24. Studying His word is like looking into a mirror because by beholding Him we also contrastingly see ourselves. Just like how when Isaiah saw a vision of Jesus in His glory, his first and immediate reaction was, “Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of hosts.” Isaiah 6:5.

This was also true of the apostle Paul. He who was God’s most effective tool in the times of the early church, he who won who knows how many souls for Jesus, he whose writings comprise most of the New Testament of the Holy Word of God says of himself, “This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” 1 Timothy 1:15. Paul was so close to Christ that, although Christianity sees him as one of the most revered saints, he himself saw his own sinfulness probably better than anyone else saw their own, which led him to consider himself as the chief of sinners. He was so close to Christ that the light of God shined so brightly on his life that he saw clearly his own sinfulness and subsequently his earnest need for the Savior, which explains how he was able to accomplish so much for the Lord, because as he continually realized his sinfulness, he went to Christ and found grace, mercy, forgiveness (in a way that all of us can experience but probably few of us have, not of God’s fault but our own) which deeply inspired him with an intense love for His Savior and subsequently also with the intense desire to serve Him wholeheartedly, even to the point of death.

This can be our experience if we draw nearer to Christ through the study of His word. As slowly as the sun rises to shed light upon our world, so it is with His light of truth. If the sun were to come out suddenly to turn the night into the brightness at noon day, it would shock us. So it shines light slowly to allow our eyes to adjust so we can receive more light. It’s the same with God. The closer we inch toward Him through His word, the more light He sheds upon us - a light that reveals to us His truth, but also causes us to see a little more of ourselves in contrast with the beauty of Christ revealed through that same light.

The reason people seem to be content without God is perhaps because they unknowingly only see a portion of who they really are. If God would reveal to them the depths of their hearts without them grasping a personal understanding of the Gospel, they wouldn’t be able to handle the ugliness, the darkness, the emptiness they’d find without a solution.

It would be an atrocity for me to not testify of what God has done for me today and the past year and a half.  This post is to testify that God answers prayers.

In the summer of 2013, I became unsure about becoming a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA).  I started to doubt my intentions and I wondered if this was what God wanted me to do.  So that summer I prayed earnestly for God’s will.  I did not want to pursue a course in which He was not leading.  I needed to make sure that my pursuit of CRNA was not just because of me.  What we must understand as Christians is that this earth is not our home.  We are pilgrims (Hebrews 11:13-16) who look for a Better Country.  And because of that, we must be careful that we don’t make idols of firewood on this earth.  When we become so absorbed with earthly accomplishments and possessions and by our actions and thoughts we worship things that will burn like firewood on the day of Christ’s return, we make idols of firewood.  Our outlook in this life must be in light of eternity and genuinely caring about what Jesus cares for.

My prayer that summer was for God to lead me into which graduate nursing route to pursue.  I wanted an answer from Him because I didn’t want to just pursue CRNA without knowing He is leading me there.  At the end of that summer I went on a medical mission trip to Bolivia with the LAC church.  During the bus ride to our last day of clinic, I began thinking about Nurse Practitioner vs CRNA.  I was inspired by Dr. Dosung Kim and how God led His life.  I wanted the same experience.  I wanted that adventure of living for the Lord however, wherever, and whenever.  Because of these things and several other reasons that would take too long to explain, I became convicted that NP would be a better choice.  After we came back from the mission trip, this thought was still brewing in my mind until one morning when Erica and I went to Forest Falls to have morning devotion I officially decided to change my route and start pursuing NP.  It was completely in faith.  I felt the familiar feeling of God pointing me in a certain direction with little detail, like Him telling me to go that way but not telling me how things will end up.  Moreover, I did not want to be a NP for several reasons.  After working as a nurse for a few years, I did not envy the work life of doctors.  And being an NP, more specifically an acute care NP which I would pursue, it would be very similar.  And I did not want to work as a NP and continually be mistaken for a MD.  There were so many reasons why I did not want to be a NP.  But I trusted in the Lord.  I trusted that even if this was not something I wanted to do at the time, if God was leading me in that path then that path was the best path for me.  So I made the decision.

Then two months ago I had three random encounters that tugged my heart back towards CRNA.  The first was during a joint small group agape feast with a medical student I was not closely acquainted with.  After having small talk with him, he started to tell me about how useful CRNA’s are in the mission field, etc etc… That conversation really shook me inside.  The things he was telling me about CRNA began to trump my reasons for pursuing NP.  The second encounter was with a co-worker at LLUMC who I barely knew.  I walk into the break room and she looked at me and said, “Brian, you look like you’d be a nurse anesthetist.”  And I wasn’t even working in ICU that day.  Again, this rattled me up inside.  Then at my other job, a co-worker who was applying for CRNA schools came to visit the unit and he started to talk about it with two other co-workers.  During that conversation I started to feel the kind of anxiety that you get when you reeaaalllyyy want something.  I thought I was set on pursuing NP but these seemingly trivial conversations dug deep at my heart and pointed my focus back at CRNA.  This was eerily similar to how God first led me into the nursing profession with signs like these - signs that would appear as coincidental but actually tug at your heart strings.

I started to get frustrated.  ”God, what is going on?!  Why is this bothering me so much?  I thought You and me decided I was going to do NP.”  Nonetheless, I continued working and mentally pursuing that route.  After working at Loma Linda, I became more exposed to acute care NP’s and seeing what they do.  I even talked with one of them about the job and the program.  And instead of inspiring and encouraging me towards that route, it discouraged me.  I began to really not want to do it anymore.  I couldn’t see myself enjoying the type of work that they did.  It seemed so busy, so stressful.  It bore the kind of responsibility that I didn’t want anymore.  I did not want to diagnose, prescribe, and manage a plan of care for who knows how many patients.  And the more I thought about becoming a NP the more I dreaded the idea.  It came to the point where there was no ounce in my body that wanted to do it.  At the same time, the more I thought about CRNA the more my heart yearned for it.  But it was not about the money.  CRNA’s do have a handsome salary but in all honesty money had little to do with it.  What drew me was the type of work, the balance between chill and action, the multiple options for work setting and work schedule, the practicality for mission trips with surgical teams.  Mind you, this is a condensed explanation for my reasoning.  There were so many other aspects that played a role.

I started to pray about it again.  And hard.  On paper everything checked off for CRNA.  Logically there was no reason why I should not pursue it.  It was everything that I wanted.  The ONLY thing that I felt was lacking at the time was God’s leading.  My prior conviction was that God had led me to pursue NP.  But why was all this happening?  Why all the incongruence?  Why lead me to do NP and then allow me to become passionate for CRNA?  It didn’t make sense.  I’m naturally not the kind of person who converses with other people about what I’m struggling with deep down inside but I felt like I needed godly advice.  So I started to share it with a few people, though not all the people I planned to talk to.  I was desperate for some direction from the Lord.  This was no trivial decision; this would determine the kind of work I would do for the rest of my life.

After sharing it with some people, everything was still pointing towards CRNA.  But I could not accept it.  I could not accept that God would actually give me what I wanted so badly.  I was so used to having the mentality that I am prepared to do whatever and go wherever God would lead, even if it’s something I don’t want to do.  And I was still confused about why we went through the whole NP thing. So I kept the brakes on.  I did not want to go off of faith on this one.  It was too risky.  What if this isn’t really God tugging me back to CRNA?  I was not going to let off the brakes without certainty.  The only way I would officially pursue CRNA is if I knew 100% that God is leading and not me.

So I decided I’d put it to the test.  It was the week before the application deadline for Loma Linda University’s CRNA program.  I have nothing to lose in applying (except the $120 application fee).  After reviewing all the prerequisites, although I had all of them done, I realized I was a weak candidate.  My undergrad GPA was within the prerequisite range but it was on the lower side.  One year of full-time ICU experience was required.  I had adequate experience to apply but I certainly didn’t feel as competent as I wanted to be as an ICU nurse.  Neither was I Critical Care Registered Nurse (CCRN) certified which was “recommended”.  Furthermore, I had only taken one of the two science classes that were “highly recommended” for the application.

This was an ideal situation for me to know for sure if it really was God leading me in this direction.  The only way I was going to get into the program was if God Himself got me in - not my merits, not my experience, not my brains.  So I submitted my application.  My last personal recommendation was submitted on the very day of the deadline.  I was probably one of the last people to apply, if not THE last.

A week later I get a phone call from LLU School of Nursing (which was much earlier than I was expecting).  They said, “We had a cancellation and you were next on the list for an interview.”  Apparently they had already been interviewing people and it sounded like I initially was not selected as one of the interviewees.   But they had a cancellation which then led them to call me.  Prior to the interview I’d have to come in and take the Health Science Reasoning Test.  They told me it’s not something you can study for.  I became worried lol.  I wanted to make sure I do well but after researching what the test was about I realized that I really couldn’t study for it.  It would all be up to God.  I prayerfully went in to take the test and I scored “Superior”, the highest range you can get.  That may be nothing to someone else, but to me that was another evidence that God was in control.  Yesterday I prayerfully went for my interview, which took 10 minutes.  And I probably answered every question the best that I could have.  They told me they would make their decisions by the end of the week.  But it only took a day.

Today at work they called me: “You’ve been accepted into the program.”  Because of the aforementioned circumstances, I must believe that my acceptance was a result of divine aid.  There is no way I could have gotten in with my merits.

So I learned something new about God and prayer.  And this is what I realized: God may take a day, days, months, or years, but He always answers the sincere prayer in the best timing possible, even if that timing may disagree with my finite judgment of when I should get my answer. God finally answered my prayer from a year and a half ago. And it wasn’t how I expected Him to.  But it was the best way that He could have answered it.  I was unsure about pursuing CRNA.  I didn’t know if it was just me that wanted it or if it would really be God leading.  So He led me to pursue my alternate option, NP, for a while in order for me to be 100% certain about CRNA and have no regrets about not choosing my alternative.  All of the reasons that made me decide to pursue NP He overturned.