random rambles

all around us

we float through background conversations

paying no mind unless trigger words

fire across the expanse of the nothingness

clinging to our bodies

crawling up our chests

and we speak

quietly

under our breath

for our own contentment

almost to ourselves

but as you realize your voice

is being drowned in waves

and waves

of meaningless gibberish

garbages of opinions that we wade through

and when opposing views

claw at your throat

there is no other way to bottle the screams

and when you scream

that’s when they notice you care

when what you yell is weighted with emotion

only limited logical reasoning escaping

that is when they finally take the time

to make contact

to listen

when it’s too late to care

caught in this ongoing proverbial metaphor

as though maybe i missed a lesson i was supposed to catch

or let go of a love that was made to last a lifetime not a season

see i can’t imagine making different decisions but maybe i should’ve

because i feel like now i would make different decisions

because who i am now is so much better

so much more balanced

my empathy still overflows like a waterfall

my arms still protect the lost and the hurting

but i’m not afraid to accept love

i’m not afraid of partnership

the only thing i’m scared of is that maybe you were made for me and i was made for you

and maybe it’s too late and maybe it will never work

and maybe i took too

and i felt you

like the way my mind sometimes imagines

and when i woke up

it’s just

what would you do if i told you

i drove past your apartment

the one we talked about me moving into

i took it too far

i went back to the jewlers

and starred at the engagement rings we looked at

i took it too far

i wrote my first name

follwed by your last name

i took it too far

i thought of missing your lips

while i was kissing someone else

i took it too far

when you walked out

what i would i do if i could touch you again

the way i used to do 

or better yet the way i never did 

when i think about past lovers 

and i begin to compare 

who actually got to know my heart the most 

and just when i think i know who 

i second guess 

because what defines true love 

the one you never forget 

or is it the one that you burn the back of your throat trying to forget 

the name that still sounds sweet when it rolls off your tongue

or the name that brings tears to your eyes when you think of a memory 

would you define me as true lover 

my past lover 

if you only knew me one night 

or if you’ve known me for years 

am i 

in your eyes 

so don’t point the finger at me when i reach my max

i seem to be more unstable

at first you’ll notice my kindness

my strong heart

and the more you go

the deeper you learn me

the more troubling i seem

my fragmented memories

that slice my spirit

the way i procrastinate when i’m overwhelmed

or the scars of my veins

but

from the inside out

i am growth

from scars to love

it’s perspective really

when you know me

when you think of me

do you remember me from the outside in?