bruised but never broken

i wish i were dead. i have always wanted to die. but i was to scared to die before my parents so i decided to wait on them so i can then kill myself. don’t get me wrong. when it all started, i was just plain tired. i didnt wanna go chasing dreams since in the end i will just die. i dont wanna get rich since i will just die. i didnt wanna have a family since i will just die. and living in this world forces you to live like everyone. but the problem is, i know everything is temporary. so i dont wanna be a part of it. i wish my will to die was stronger than my will not to hurt my parents. if so, i wouldnt have messed my life more as i waited for the chance to kill myself. sometimes, i regret knowing God. cause now that i know him, im scared to take my own life. and i, just really really tired. i dont wanna fight anymore. because win or lose, im gonna die. so, why hold-up?

it’s 10pm again. co-incidentally, its the same time as my last post. and i started with so many things to say. now i dont know where to find the words.

well i guess i start with saying what my regrets are.

i regret ever coming home from Cebu. i wouldnt have been part of this family business. i wouldnt have ruined my family. i wouldnt have destroyed their business plans. i wouldnt have used up all my emotions and feel nothing. i wouldnt have to endure this masters degree that i hate. i wouldnt have known God and feel this burden to trust in His plan instead of in mine. i could have seriously made a life for me out there. MY OWN LIFE. where i am not bounded by family and limited by their ideas. where i am and can be who i wanted to be. this home feels more like a prison of insecurities and insults and rejection. a part of me wants to leave everything behind. a part of me wants to prove them wrong. a part of me wants to fix everything up. a part of me has given up.

i haven’t written nor typed anything in a long time. so i’ll keep this simple. the document my walk as a christian. 

it’s 10:00 pm. and i’m supposed to be doing things. a lot of things from different aspects of my life. there’s the articles i have to read and report i have to make for school, yes, i have returned to school. and anybody who knew me, or was my classmate, or teacher  would agree that i was never the school type then, more so now. but studying masters is kinda different, i wasn’t required to take this. i chose to, (for business reasons) so that’s why i have to take it seriously this time. and i rarely took school seriously. which is why this is a struggle. especially on top of my ministry. cause aside from studying from school, i have to read and reflect and come up with something creative on what to share to the Teens on our youth ministry. and i’m not much of speaker that way. so yeah, i have to worry about that on top of my personal life which has been taken for granted for so long i’m not even gonna delve into it now because i still have work to focus on, on top of everything else i have mentioned. and trust me when i tell you that working for my family hasn’t been in anyway familiar, comforting nor harmonious. so yeah, lets not forget the failed relationships, and conflicts and insecurities and... lets stop it here cause the list is LONG.

it may sound that i’m ranting, which i am, but i had to to make my point on my argument tonight.  i had to complain to realize how much i am incapable of this all. cause honestly, those aren’t even my major struggle. my real struggle is i have been juggling these things. wanting to balance everything in my life. but i have been too busy and proud to actually surrender it to God. so i’m writing this to remind me in the future of this struggle. and how i overcome it with this verses. 

“In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:6

“But first be concerned about God's kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be provided for you as well.”