(  continued  from  here.  )  ///  ⤠@fortevoce.
the bitter truth is, he is now ā as he has ever been ā powerless. stronger, maybe. quicker, sure. but heās powerless to change whatās happened, and powerless to shape fate in his or anyone elseās favor; he is what he is ( nothing ), and thatās how itās always going to be, unless he makes himself better. dumb stupid luck wonāt save him every time, nor will the phantom voice of someone who believes in him more than he ever could in himself.
if itās at the cost of smooth, callous free hands and rested eyes, he has to be more; so be it.Ā but, some things canāt be priced, even if they can still be lost. there was once a pair of eyes that heād look for in searching glances, and theyāre right there, looking at him now from beyond the curtain of hair that blocks his own view and centers his focus on the ground. then, on his bleeding hands, and he watches as hizashiās hand grabs his wrist and tugs him upright before his focus can fade, steadying the soles of his shoes more firmly to the gym floor.Ā
and then his hand drops. it goes away, and heās⦠just standing, and his shoulders relax once heās let go. ( he wonders if theyād visibly tensed, once contact had been made. wonders if hizashi will think itās his fault, or if heāll know itās because shouta had been somewhere else mentally until that touch. if heāll know that he was just scared to come down.
heās so scared, and it is⦠so pathetic.Ā )
shouta isnāt blind to the rift between them, nor is he ignorant to what the force is that separates the rest of what is left of himself and the one thing, the one person, he has left to lose ā Ā itās him,Ā heās self-aware of that ā of his own ox stubborn intuition to pull away, accept nothing, and what that might do to hizashi ā and⦠ it changes nothing.
youāre not, hizashi starts, and he doesnāt have to finish for him to pick up on the plea in his voice, or for shouta to get a feeling as to where that might have been going. he takes it somewhere else, somewhere gentle and familiar and purely concerned; because as much as he wants to ignore whatās happening here, he knows hizashi well enough to credit him in being able to tell when something is wrong.Ā Ā
when did you last sleep? Ā when did you last eat?Ā those are questions only someone who cares about you will ask,Ā and if he cares about hizashi at all, he should tell him to invest in some better company ā someone who wonāt stand there like he is now, considering if itās worth lying to his best friend about something he already knows ā he points it out, too, in the form of food found left untouched ā and staring at his own feet in some kind of pathetic show of half self-pity, half shame. he doesnāt bother answering his questions, because hizashi already knows. why would he tell him something he already knows? no sense in it.
you sure know how to pickĀ āem, shouta thinks with a glare hard set on the floor ā he doesnāt say it to hizashi, because thereās no point in being self-deprecating, or in being hurtful to someone already hurting himself. ( that must be the worst part, of all this; hizashiās been there for him through everything, through oboro, through niisan ā and yet. ) hizashiās trying, and shouta still wonāt even look at him, but he can feel that stupidly charming expression shining through and raining down on him; warm and inviting to someone without the decency to even face it.
if for no other reason than knowing that he owes something to him, shouta surrenders.Ā
glare hard set on the ground, two trembling, bandaged hands come up, fingers outstretched and palms out, signaling stop. justā¦Ā alright.Ā ā ā¦fine, ā he says after too long, voice strained and low, even now. he knows hizashi hears him. knows he sees him, too.Ā
he can make up for lost time tomorrow morning, maybe. and he isnāt stupid ā he knows the importance of taking care of yourself, it just ceases to matter in the moment, doesnāt it? and you know how moments are. they just keep happening.Ā ( he might really keel over if not for hizashi being there to remind him. and who reminds hizashi?Ā ) get better friends, he thinks to hizashi, angrily. be better, he thinks to himself, angrier.Ā
ā ⦠just for tonight. ā
Ā Ā hizashi hadnāt seen oboro die.
Ā Ā he only saw the aftermath. he only saw shouta in the aftermath, the look on his face when he realized oboro wasnāt with him anymore as the rain drenched them all. itās -- itās really, really horrible to think that it isnāt even the first time heās seen shouta in the aftermath of death, and theyāre still teenagers.
Ā Ā at least the first time, there had been something hizashi could do. heād had a home to offer, a family. shouta had come closer to him, even as heād struggled through the loss. this time...
Ā Ā sometimes he stays in the gym, hidden in a doorway, watching shouta train. he can be quiet, when he wants to be; usually shouta doesnāt even notice him, too focused on his training, on the rope that scrapes his hands until they bleed. except for days like today, when he canāt bear to sit back and watch. he thinks it might be punishment. he doesnāt know what shoutaās thinking, but heās afraid of what shouta thinks he might deserve.
Ā Ā shouta glares at the ground, and hizashi doesnāt know if heās angry at being called out or angry that hizashi is here or angry at himself or -- maybe all of it at once. or none of it. thatās the whole problem, isnāt it? hizashi doesnāt know what goes through shoutaās head these days; he can only guess, and his own guesses scare him. heād felt shouta tense when hizashi had grabbed him, and it doesnāt have to mean anything, because sometimes shouta just doesnāt want to be touched and thatās okay, but also maybe it does mean something, and hizashiās hand drops like itās been burned once heās sure shouta isnāt going to keel over.
Ā Ā Ā like he has so many times in the past few weeks, he wonders what oboro would be doing right now, if he were here and it were someone elseās death shouta was mourning. heād know what to do -- he always knew what to do. oboro had known instinctively how to inspire shouta from the start, when it had taken hizashi ages to learn anything about him. oboro had been quick and shameless and unafraid -- he cheered people up as easily as breathing. people compared them a lot, because they were both energetic and cheerful and bold. but the truth is that oboro did everything with the instinctive confidence of someone who had never had to wonder what the right way to act was, who had never had reason to doubt himself. he didnāt have to pretend and analyze and brute-force his way into the persona he wanted, the way hizashi did. oboro just was.
Ā Ā Ā itās not that hizashi was jealous of him, even when he got along with shouta like it was the most natural thing in the world, even when he had all the easy confidence hizashi had put himself through the wringer just to be able to simulate. you couldnāt be jealous of a person like oboro, genuine and altruistic as he was, and besides, they were too good of friends for that. if anything oboro had inspiredĀ hizashi -- yes, this, this is how i want to be -- and it had felt so good, so right, to have someone else by his side on the mission to Make Aizawa Shouta Believe In Himself.Ā
Ā Ā Ā but now heās gone, and everything is fractured and wrong, and it makes hizashi wonder if it had been oboro gluing them all together all along, for all that hizashi had known shouta first.
Ā Ā Ā shoutaās raised hands bring him back to the moment, dissipating the phantom boy who would have just slung his arms around both of them and found something to laugh about. fine, shouta says, and hizashiās breath stutters in relief. he will? he will. hizashi wonāt have to walk home alone tonight. he smiles a little, already thinking about texting his mom to make sure she makes something shouta likesĀ ācause heāll definitely eat it tonight, and then shouta adds just for tonight and hizashiās expression shutters a little.
Ā Ā Ā ...right. itās still a victory, he tells himself quickly. a chance to make sure shouta takes care of himself, at least for a little bit. a chance to spend some actual time with him and maybe ease the lonely ache that seems to have taken up permanent residence in his chest. just for tonight, so shouta can come back here tomorrow, and tonight will be a shield for him, i listened to you once, i let you manhandle me into thinking about my own needs once, what more do you want from me? and hizashi will have to let him do it, concede the point while he calculates how often he can have this battle before it only makes shouta pull away more. (oboro wouldnāt have to calculate. heād know what to do and heād do it.)
Ā Ā Ā ācāmon, then!ā hizashi says, plastering a large smile over the moment of dismay. donāt argue it, donāt ask for anything more, just make it clear heās happyĀ shouta said yes.Ā āwe should get a bandage for your hands first, though, right? do you have any with your stuff? i know where sensei keeps the first aid stuff. you should really wear gloves, you know? donāt hurt yourself when you can protect yourself instead.ā oh, maybe that last bit was a little too honest, a little too loaded, and he flinches slightly and turns away, hiding his face.Ā ālocker rooms, cāmon!ā