"well, it's possible"

Huh,,, I guess maybe I'm a woman, but only in the sense I'm male...

Like idk, I had to t h i n k (* ´ ﹃｀*) [pt: think] about it a little,, because gender is usually synonymous with sex, even with queer people,,

Maybe it's a bit hard to describe. I mean, there exist (trans) people who think it's okay to not transition,, that you are still your gender, even if you sex doesn't stereotypically line up. However, the reasons I see many argue,, put me off a little, like health issues, disability, price, legality, accessibility, or just not caring, which either implies a desire to transition / for normalcy, that is simply hindered by circumstances, or simple neutrality with circumstances outside your control, not an active desire to be,, well, like that, yk?

E.g. it's valid for a trans woman to have a penis, and not get surgery, for the above reasons, because she simply can't get it, or just is okay with what life gave her, not that having a penis is an active choice, like... she wouldn't get a penis if she was born without one (and yk, wasn't a trans man or anything), like, if she were a woman with a vagina, she would not go out of her way to get a penis because of her (trans) woman identity. It is just happenstance...

So,, I guess I didn't get it for a while (though I imagine my general lack of care also contributes, I mean, I'm still a man, I don't need to be a woman, I just think it would be pretty cute), because mine is an active choice. Like,, I don't want to be female in any way, only a woman, and this lack of femaleness is not a uncaring happenstance, I actively choose and want things like a penis, flat chest, facial hair, deep voice, high DHT, low other hormones,, etc. etc., without these things, I'm not the woman I'm suppose to be, I wouldn't be a real woman... I would be like,, the normal trans woman who feels insecure about her womanhood and presenting/identifying as woman, but instead of because I don't have a vagina and oestrogen, it would be because I don't have a penis and DHT............

I mean, especially with some of this,, I have hypogonadism and (previously, got surgery) gynecomastia,,, I really can't just have a flat chest and androgens as some 'well, I'm okay with the way I'm born, I don't feel the need to transition' thing,, this is literally an active choice I've made and make everyday (or every week, I do inject once a week).

It's just.... there exist such things, as trans women who have breasts because they transitioned, who have flat chests because they didn't transition, same with cis women who have breasts because they simply developed them, underwent the same medical procedures to have breasts, or who have flat chests because of bad (emphasis on bad, not good) genetics and stuff,, also trans women who also just developed breasts without medication/surgery, but no one talks about that, so whatever right........

But,, transitioning or otherwise making a choice to have a flat chest, is not part of transitioning to a woman, like... no one says/does that, if someone did do that, they'd all think they were a trans man or something........ Because,, why would having a flat chest make you a woman? Again, not just,, 'some women have flat chests' but an active MAKE, they wouldn't be women if they had large breasts, having a flat chest is an active thing they need to be a proper woman...

Well,, I do think there must exist people who do that,, but... no one wants to think about them, so I don't get to see them.. closest I get are women who want their breast removed because it's inconvenient (not because they're a woman), or femboys who want to take oestrogen getting harassed that they're either 'obviously a trans girl (in denial)' or going to 'ruining their body' and 'give themself dysphoria'.

I don't know..

Woman but actively male (really not just effortless happenstance).

Well,, I have heard of some trans women who have gotten gynecomastia surgery, but it's always about how they didn't realise they were a woman back then and/or regret it, it's not an active choice that makes them feel like a proper woman.

Well, I ended up talking about breasts,, but every other trait is the same. If I didn't have a penis, I wouldn't be a (real) woman, and I wouldn't feel confident/comfortable in my womanhood until I got one. DHT, I already inject it regularly, how could I be a woman without it? I would have to take DHT, or just the same insecurity as above. If I haden't already gotten surgery, well,, there's just not way I'd ever look at myself and think 'this is what I want to be and I'm a nice woman', nope, there's no way I could ever be confident calling myself a woman if I didn't have a flat chest. While I don't need a super deep voice to be a woman, I'd want it to be mid, not high,, what kind of woman even sounds like that? Well, normal women, but not this one.! Etc. etc. etc...

Hm,, interesting thought. Not entirely sure what to do with it. I guess one day I'd like to wear a long pretty flowy dress, with long peach pink hair, and me and my husband could hold hands and frolic in the fields,, with like flowers and stuff, like maybe we put it in each other's hair,, and we kiss, and it's very (hetero)romantic and sweet,, It would be cute if I was his pretty wife, and 100% male (and will never be anything else).

I'm just saying,, if my penis fell off and flopped away like a live fish on land,, it would be like.. no... my womanhood... how will I be happy as a woman wihout my penis :( I have to go to the penis store and buy a new one ૮◞ ‸ ◟ ა

I contemplate if this makes me a trans woman, the character that got me to t h i n k [pt: think] >_< about this is a trans woman.. but I also don't think anyone would ever get it, I'd say trans woman, and they'd hear trans female (woman),,, if I specified I have a penis and high androgen, they would assume I'm poor, or too sickly to get medical treatment (??? not even getting into how weird and problematic that is), or I'm waiting to get this, or that I'm being limited by the law, or abusive parents who's opinion I care about for some reason (??), or I just don't care, and am okay with my 'natural' body or something... they would not get it's an active choice I've made, am making, and will (keep) making. Or, of course, they could always give me a lecture about how mentally ill and confused about my own identity I am, and how I'm 'ruining my life' and 'you'll regret this' and 'it's not normal' yady yady yada.

Honestly,, I'm lowkey traumatised out of being trans(gender). Because I just.. can't ignore all those trans people who treated me like a disease to be cured, trying to convince me to hurt myself, kill myself (of course, while pretending like they're doing no such thing the whole time 🙄), that I'll regret it, that it's not healthy, it's not normal, it's not good, it's not right, it makes the trans community look bad, it misrepresents trans people, that's not how trans people work, that's how trans bodies/biology works, that I'm mentally ill, delusional, [insert slurs here], worthless, stupid, should just be normal, stop poisoning my body, stop self harming, that I'm basically just committing suicide with extra steps, don't understand my own gender or what I want, don't understand myself as a whole, I'll never be happy (being like this, being abnormal), it'll never work, I should give up, I should just learn to live with it, it's what I deserve, it's illegal so that means I'm a bad person for wanting this, I should just listen to them and all the good sane people around me, that I need to be cured, need to be fixed, need... ''''help'''' (what a sick, immoral, depraved word), you know... why can't I just be normal? It's the (morally) right thing to do. It's the healthy thing to do. It's what I'm supposed to do. All I'll do is make the world a worse place by being a freak,, why even try....

Normalcy above all else...

Of course, not that anyone cares. No one even believes this. The (anti-radqueer) trans community is perfect,, and flawless,, and blah blah blah, I should stop complaining about people wanting to help me,, (and just accept it). Just, no trans person ever says this. Only anti-trans people do. I mean,, when it comes to that sentiment, I wouldn't say it's because I just got unlucky and they got lucky, I think we've existed in the same space, you simply didn't notice because you're not the target of these sentiments, you're not abnormal like that, not a disease trans people want to iron out 'for the good of the community'.

Am I transphobic for believing such horrid delusions? Probably. Which makes me give up. The only way I could stop being transphobic if I killed myself, and I'm just too selfish, and also particular about my morals (if it wasn't obvious, I disagree with such sentiments, being abnormal is perfectly fine, and what's right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, disordered and ordered, etc. about a person should be determined by themselves and themselves only, and miscategorising people like this,, especially treating them like they're inherently disordered, and using that as an excuse to violate their consent, while pretending like you're an angel, it's just wrong), so... I'd rather be transphobic to everyone than... agree.

I mean,, I know,,, deep down inside,, I'm a narcissist through and through. I may not act like it 💯 percent but it's true. /meme reference

A conflict of morals.. what an unpleasant world to live in.. I think I'll just be a (male) woman,, or a cis male woman? Or a male trans woman, but only with h-husband........ (* ´ ﹃｀*) >< (* ´ ﹃｀*) everyone else just thinks it makes me disease, I need to stop poisoning my body with DHT, that's not how women work, bet I regret gynecomastia surgery,,, whatever whatever.

TLDR. normal = good & abnormal = bad (lol that's not how a TLDR works).

I am but a mere babe, I do not comprehend language (* ´ ﹃｀*) but I found these lyrics, hopefully they are right.

Honestly I'm super paranoid. I see that it's Russian + homeland and wonder if there's some anti-Ukraine, pro-Putin, pro-war, etc. sentiment attached to it. Which seems unfair to everyone,, non-Russian or home stuff can be about those beliefs, and why do I have to be paranoid I'm both of those things and should just be able to enjoy it.... idk >_<

Also maybe not super clearly related,, but why do I have to be everywhere bro. Like ever since I was a baby (* ´ ﹃｀*) I've lived in all sorts of different places. Different continents, different countries, different regions, different cities (not really villages though, I'm a city boy ig), you could get even more granular with different houses and people. While not too much of a jump, I have lived in different financial/social/etc. situations as well,, I won't lie, there is something peculiar about eating a gourmet steak and not even having old bread in the same lifetime. Or being bullied and having friends. Or just. lots of weird categories to fall into. I go everywhere.

So I can't say I have a homeland, or home, any sense of the word. People fucking suck so my heart is not with them. Places can suck too, and I've never developed any particular attachment to a location. Whatever connections I have are transient and appreciated,, like,,, I just enjoy things for what they are, knowing I will leave them one day, and then I simply move on and enjoy the next thing, which I guess might be kind of nice compared to normal people,,,, like,, have you ever seen those movies where someone moves, and they get really sad and stuff? Like this is an important moment for them? I think it's really fascinating, because I'm pretty sure real people go through that too! I mean, surely, with how common a topic it is? I think I've seen real people talk about such feelings.

But talking about experiences, like knowledge and history,, I'm scattered everywhere, across the planet even... If I use such a definition of home,, that's too awful, I've never met another person with such a broad concept, it would too incomprehensible to them, communicating nothing. I didn't think about it as a kid, but as I aged, I realise my sense of scale might be different from others. Apparently there are people that just live in one place, or only a couple of places, and they actually have history? They don't know how to be okay with transient attachments? They actually expect something to be with them forever (or at least a very long time)? I mean, the fact I can even have a vague aversion to a country, like,, what fucking scale is that? And I'm not talking about 'the government told me to hate this country so I do', I mean an active and personal aversion. Like just... the sense of scale I must have, that something like this is even possible... that's too unusual. I can be averse to an entire country in the same way normal people can be averse to a *building*. fuuuuuck me.

Anyways... I do want to see lots of places, I think there are lots of pretty things everywhere, but even if I find a place pretty, that doesn't mean I have any particular attachment to it, just enjoyment. But yeah,, trans-Russian / trans-Ukrainian / etc.,, I do have some weird attachments to some places.. ig >_< >_< >_< And that song is right about that.. Even if other places are pretty too, or even prettier in some sense,, it's not the same,,, and when I think of it like that,, that song is really beautiful and stuff >_< so like,, so true king,, pop off or whatever,, it's such a pretty song..

>_<