I Will Be Thin

You can feel happy by Christmas

Just starve starve starve

Skip meals again stop eating so much

Have the guts to throw your moms food down the drain again

Lie to your sister again

Workout till 2am? Purge meals st school maybe?

Stop telling yourself that it’s healthy to eat regularly

stop telling yourself you’re doing the right thing by eating

Stop letting yourself go

Imagine while dressing up for new year

When you wear that dress from last year

And realise

ana:

You walk into your bedroom, holding a cup of warm black coffeee as you sink into your favorite chair. It's an old armchair with soft velvet cushions that almost swallow you as you lean back, but you don't mind. You pull up your legs and take a sip of your coffee. A warm feeling starts to spread in your chest, and you realize how cold it is in your room. You are so used to being cold all the time that you barely notice it anymore.

You look over to your bed and see your boyfriends hair stick out from underneath the covers. The second you left the bed he had buried himself in a mountain of pillows and blankets. He moves slightly and his head appears, you smile as he sleepily blinks at you. "When did you get up?" he asks, followed by a big yawn. You have to giggle, he's too adorable when he's sleepy. "About twenty minutes ago, I wanted to come back into bed, but you stole all the covers." "Well I had to, it's freezing in here." He sits up, leans against the wall and just looks at you for a while.

Suddenly, a smile appears on his face. "I see I'm not the only one stealing things." "You take my blanket, I take your sweater." you replie jokingly. You love the silly banter you always have, almost as much as you love how big his sweater is on you.

You never used to wear his clothes. When you got together you were much bigger than you are now, and even though your boyfriend always talked about how much he loved thick girls, you never quite believed him. So you committed to reaching your goal weight, and five months into your relationship you finally did it! You even overshot a little, but it's not like you're mad about it.

You suddenly realize that you completely spaced out, on the bed your boyfriend is looking at you with a wide, stupid grin on his face. "You didn't hear a thing I just said, didn't you?" He laughs. Your heart gets a little lighter. How does he do that? "I'm still a bit sleepy, I'll be fully awake when I finish my coffee. What were you saying?" "I was just telling you that I can't be mad at you for stealing my sweater when you look so adorable in it. I feel like you might disappear into it any minute!"

He stands up and walks over to you, then he looks at you in awe before giving you a kiss on the forehead." Aaaaanyway, I'm going to get myself some of that coffee. Are you sure you don't want any cream or sugar in yours?" You shake your head, and he shrugs and leaves the room.

You take another sip of your coffee and a feeling of happiness washes over you. He'd always been an amazing guy, but ever since you got skinny he's been even sweeter, showering you in compliments and always talking about how tiny you are. You have to laugh when you remember that he insisted that he preferred "thick" girls, because it's so obvious now that he was just being nice. You always knew, and that's why you worked so hard to be where you are now. You think back on all those days of fasting, the coke zeros, the miles you ran and ordering a salad when all you wanted was a pizza. It was hard, but as you see him step back into the room, coffee mug in hand and a smile on his face, you realize it was all worth it.

September 22th - October 15th

58,6 - 56,8 (kg)

130-125 lbs

Bingeing and purging, bingeing and purging

Crunches and crying, crunches and crying

Crying and crunches, crying and crunches