My FD Experience

Sadly -- ------ went much further than my father and did more to hurt me, many times i got locked out of the apartment at night and having to sleep on the balcony floor and she wouldn't answer my ringing and crying at the door, i was only let in during the morning, i did not think of or have the courage to ring the neighbours because they already didn't like me from me asking for food things and my frequent crying and i was just a child, i wasn't able to think of solutions or stand up for myself (calling the police etc.) because i was scared like all children suffering from abuse and neglect sadly. Similarly she would frequently see random new men who she went out with at night (who just saw me as a nuisance and disliked me terribly), telling me she would be back at 10, which did not happen and left me in a terrible panic alone at night crying for -- ------ but noone was there, no cellphone call was accepted, nothing, i remember many times running out of the apartment at night, running down the block crying for her in desperation until i eventually just collapsed and went home trying to cry myself to sleep. These moments running around outside at night in my underwear, are so terribly and vividly stuck in my brain, its like i can relive them like a movie, where i ran to, which street, how i cried, what i was wearing, what time it was etc. Unfortunately i sometimes still have nightmares about them. Interestingly enough, 95% of my childhood is just a foggy blur with most of it just erased from my memory, i only seem to remember the things that really fucked me up badly.

In general i was just left alone at home without warning or anyone to look after me many many times because she wanted to meet some men, even though i needed attention and care and love. My school life was also terrible and i was subjected to relentless bullying throughout my entire school career (well up until college), as expected -- ------ did not care about any of this and just ignored my cries for help when i came back from school, desperately trying to feel safe and loved and cared for, at at least one place in my life, but that was not the case, "toughen up or just deal with it somehow" is what i got to hear many times. My teachers, for whatever sick reason, also did not do anything to help me, it was like a prison beating with the guards looking the other way. In general anything resembling love or care or "i love you" and "i will protect you against this world" and "you are safe with me" was something i never go to hear or experience in any sort of way.

How this all lead to my specific type of FD i believe.

So after all of this feeling of neglect and abandonment and feeling left alone and scared and helpless, one thing somehow managed to change this slightly, when i got really ill, somehow when that happened, i got given a slight resemblance of basic amount of care from -- ------ (getting some food, tea, hot water bottle, basic stuff mostly just "here you go take it" but it was something for me), i remember as a kid not wanting to get better, so i didn't have to go back to school and could keep feeling some vague resemblance of care and love and attention. Especially when i had (got) to go to the hospital (*very important detail*) once because of an eye injury, i remember experiencing this feeling of safety and protectedness, this feeling of finally being safe from -- ------ and my father, safe from my school, safe from the world. The doctors and nurses were not my parents, neither my teachers nor some sort of people i knew to be afraid of, thinking with my adult mind now, obviously i didn't realise this as a child yet but their sole purpose was to keep me safe and heal me, unconditionally.

Ever since i got more independant and older and found friends and partners etc. i still have/had this horrible chronic feeling of loneliness, of being abandoned, of being alone, of being helpless, of not being loved or cared for. I have spent well over 12 months in psychiatric hospitals as an adult and have had countless psychologists trying to fix this feeling, but none can, not my wonderful friends, not my partners, not some psychologist, not pursuing my hobbies or my career, nothing, i've tried for many years.

But all of this changed so abruptly 3 months ago, when i got surgery done, (i had never been in a hospital as a patient since i was a child) but oh boy have i always had this awful stomach churning feeling of jealousy and "please let that be me" whenever i saw other girls in hospitals, but never really understood it, i just tried to desperately distract me from this feeling, because it felt so bad with this all consuming jealousy. Anyways, back to my own first adult hospital stay. The euphoria and happiness and general feeling of "you are safe now, you are cared for now, you are loved now, you are protected now, you are small and vulnerable now but also safe, you are in a place where people will do anything to keep you alive and to make sure you are okay and cared for, you are in a place of safety, nothing can hurt you here and if something tries they will protect you and not leave you alone" It is absolutely impossible to put any of this into words. While in the hospital, i felt like i got, for the first time in my fucking life, what i've always needed, and it was right here, in this hospital, in this hospital bed, in this hospital room, with these nurses, with these IV's, with this monitoring equipment.

I was safe. I was cared for. I wasn't abandoned. I wasn't alone. I was loved. I got the affection i needed.

Naturally i did everything in my power to extend my stay for as long as possible because i was so terrified of losing this again, i purposefully didn't eat or drink much so i was in a perpetual state of crashing and not being able to recover from the 7h surgery. I feigned collapsing while trying to walk around a little bit so they would come and lift me back into bed and give me my plush (yes i have a plushie i love dearly and ofc i brought them with me to the hospital <3) I constantly complained about pain that wasn't really there or at least only not that bad, to get the nurses to hold my hand gently in sympathy and pity for my agony and being "the poor sick girl", to hook up another IV to make me feel better, this led to me getting a overdose of Tramadol which kinda fucked me up even more, but i didn't care, it was good, i was getting more sick and needed more care and more attention and more affection. At some point i was getting really bad tachycardia from one of the meds which led to the nurses rushing in and putting a full ECG on me, while i tried to make my pulse even higher and fake arrythmias through staggered breathing, just to get more attention and have the doctors called, which worked and it felt so wonderful, feeling this level of care and doing everything to make sure im safe and cared for.

I remember many other moments, like a wonderful and slightly older nurse coming in in the middle of the night to hook up a new IV, so gently touching my hand not to wake me up (i wasn't sleeping really, just very sedated form the meds, so i kinda noticed it) with this unconditional motherly love and compassion for me, i felt like a child again, but the good version that i never go to experience. (My Pfp is my hand and from that very night, i just so desperately wanted to hold onto that moment, i also took many other very FD coded photos and videos haha)

Unfortunately i had one giant problem, it was a private clinic and i was racking up bills galore and to add on top of that i was - to my disdain - getting better and they were talking to me about getting me discharged soon'ish, i feel like i could have extended my stay easily but the bills were terrifying me.

On the last day i was there at the hospital, i essentially cried all day, because i so desperately wanted or rather needed stay there forever, be the poor sick girl who needs care and love and attention. I couldn't let go, i didn't want to let go, i didn't want to go back into the normal world, where all of this didn't exist. Leaving the hospital was so horrible, i felt like i was being ripped away from my child self, from my child self who finally got what she needed after all these 25 years. I feel like i was being ripped away from myself. I felt like i was abandoning her and me.

Now

So for 3 months now, i've been living in this horrible state of "how do you get yourself back into hospital". About 5 days ago, i decided to google my thoughts about this (before that i still had no idea what FD or Munchausen is), and so i discovered that i have FD, this liberated me so much, before that i just had no idea what is wrong with me or why i am acting like this, but talking to people from the community and just generally researching stuff about FD just opened my eyes so much and gave me this wonderful feeling of "its okay to be like this, you're not a bad person, its not my fault i am this way".

Now nothing else matters anymore, not going uni, not becoming a doctor, not going out with friends, not seeing my partner, not following my hobbies, nothing, absolutely nothing else matters anymore, not even living long enough to get old and stuff, none of that was ever capable of relieving my pain in any way. I generally had strong suicidal ideations and plans for quite a while regardless, objectively my life now is pretty okay, but subjectively and how i am feeling is a very different story, i talked about this terrible chronic feeling of loneliness and abandonment i couldn't shake, no matter with what i tried to overcome it i couldn't, i thought that i will just have to live with this agony until i eventually just end it, i mostly just lived for my friends and for the "you need to fulfil your potential and don't waste your career" nonsense, trying to just overcome my inner pain by the means of external accomplishments and vanity.

So now - through days and days of research and reading studies - i've made my plans on how to get back into a hospital through inducing severe illness, which will make me end up in the ICU for multiple weeks at least and without being found out as a munchie and with - if i make it - ways to continue getting to stay in hospitals for prolonged periods of time whenever i want to. I will follow up on these in 1 or 2 weeks, whenever the stuff i ordered arrives (will update this blog then if i'm able to). I won't go into details of what im going to do to myself because i don't want anyone to follow in my footsteps, it is incredibly dangerous and might kill me, or at least cause such severe lasting damage that i basically can't function anymore without extensive surgeries and transplants, which wouldn't be too bad because then i get to stay in a hospital very long <3

I am intentionally inducing real serious damage to my body because for some reason, i have to be actually sick in order to feel validated and to be able to fulfil my needs, couldn't fake anything fully, well i probably could but it wouldn't be the same for me, i need to be actually sick and then build on top of that if necessary, if that makes sense. Also the more ill i am, the more care i need to survive, the more vulnerable i am and the more people have to care about me to ensure i don't die, the happier i am and the better my needs get fulfilled. That's why i want to be in the ICU, and thats why im going to basically almost kill myself in order to get what i need. I want to actually be seriously ill, i don't want to fake it, if i would i wouldnt feel as good or as deserving of the care.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay sooooo..... this is not a "legal disclaimer" but a "i love you disclaimer and i don't want you to accidentally kill yourself" disclaimer. I absolutely do not condone replicating anything i will be doing or going to similar lengths as i am, i know that it is incredibly risky and i'm essentially throwing my whole life away, please don't do as i do, i am completely lost to my emotions and needs and have given up on everything else in my life, i will do anything to satisfy them and i wouldn't want it any other way, but you can be better.

If anyone reading this has my severity level, i know this "disclaimer" won't stop you anyway, but at least do some good quality research (NOT GOOGLE AI) before you do anything, take your time, it doesnt have to happen right now, its okay if it happens in 2-3 weeks, i know how badly you want it, i wish i had the stuff here already too and could just do it right now, but patience is important to at least increase the chances of things going the way you want them to go, if you just straight up die then what was the point anyway.

Thank you for reading <3