Thoughts about narcissistic abuse.

I don’t know what to do. I’m desperate for advice.

They are pathologically jealous and envious. Jealousy rears its ugly head over people they deem as “theirs”. You can’t spend more time with “their” person. If “their” person compliments you in any way and does not compliment them more, then they will rage about it and you will be made to feel awful for their pain because how can “their” person possibly love them and say something nice about you? You have a nice partner/friend? Well, those people are bad for you, they don’t really love you. You should spend more time with your narcissist instead. You want to get a higher education? Well they didn’t get one and they are doing just fine, you always were too proud for your own good. Oh the envy. Looking good today? That makeup really doesn’t flatter you.. that dress makes you look a bit heavy and those shoes just don’t go with that dress… also, you should really get a haircut. Anyone who has more than them… especially you. You wanted that nice top? They may buy it for you and buy themselves 3 nice tops to make themselves feel better because you got one. Or they may just buy themselves the top you wanted and accuse you of the jealousy they felt just because you feel sad they got the one you wanted. Anyone close doing better than them in life? Deep dark depression and declarations about how they deserve so much more. They didn’t get to buy a house as big as yours? Well that’s your fault because they spent all their money raising you. You feel happy? Well, how dare you be happy when they aren’t… they must destroy your happiness because, they are more deserving than you. Destroying your happiness will put you below them with the added bonus that they enjoy doing it. <3

There is something very strange I have noticed about estrangement.  I don’t exactly know why I do it but, I often read the pages and websites of estranged parents whose children have walked away. Maybe I am just nosy, maybe I want to try and understand from the other side, maybe I want to find an inkling of the loving mother I needed there or maybe I just need validation.  I definitely get validation. LOTS of it.  There are parents there who are clearly broken and devastated. There are parents there who are furious and bitter. It’s the second kind I want to talk about.  There are a few common themes that I have noticed that really break my heart and I just wanted to put them out there.  There is a lot of negative language about their own children. Ungrateful Liar Selfish Brat Cruel  Nasty Abusive Druggie  Crazy Hateful Ugly Useless Lazy Slutty Evil Possessed They will blame anyone but themselves.  The other parent.  Their child’s peers The partner in their child’s life.  Their own family.  They think they were perfect.  I see a lot of “We made mistakes, everyone does, no-one is perfect” but, this comes before a list of all the things they ever did that were wonderful. From the bitter and angry parents you never see a list of these “mistakes”. It seems as though that statement is just a socially acceptable norm. It is used in such a way as to garner sympathy from those reading it, not as an admission of guilt.  They aren’t sorry. They really aren’t sorry for any part they played in their child’s estrangement. Well, they don’t believe they played any. Their child grew up to be evil, perhaps they loved their child too much, spoiled them too much… because they were wonderful. Their child’s turn to the dark side (For want of a better expression) has nothing to do with their perfect upbringing where their parent sacrificed their own happiness to raise them. They don’t understand how this could have happened but, it definitely wasn’t their fault. Anything their child says is lies and must be disregarded.  They don’t believe mental abuse justifies estrangement. The most common thing I see goes along the lines of “Unless there was serious physical abuse that put you in a hospital more than once or serious sexual abuse there is no excuse for estrangement”. Yes I have seen that several times and the alarm bells are deafening. They often go on to say “You should always respect your parents above everyone”.  They get what they want and may then decide they don’t want it.  This one is the most saddening of all.  Their estranged child reaches out to them, they agree to meet and start again… This may be once or twice or a few times. There may be grandchildren involved. The grandchildren they were desperate to see, the grandchildren they never failed to send cards and presents too. Still though, those parents who are too bitter and angry, who said there was no excuse for estrangement, then decide they just cannot forgive. Their child hurt them too much by removing themselves from the family fold and doing nothing except refuse contact. They want no part of them. Suddenly the relationship ends on their terms and they feel vindicated in doing so. They estranged and that was the right thing to do. Children MUST respect parents but, the same is not true in reverse.  The other side. Yes, I see angry estranged children. I see them curse out their parents and call them names… but, the percentage is much much smaller.  Mostly what I see? Children, Adult children desperately trying to figure out why their own mothers can’t or don’t love them. Trying to find the fatal flaw in themselves and trying to stay removed from a situation they know has done them tremendous damage… both at the same time.  What they want? They want a loving parent child relationship. They want someone who supports them and loves them for who they are. They want someone who believes in them. They want to be heard and seen and wanted.  Can you see the difference?  <3

I see a lot of posts here and there on the internet that talk about forgiveness. They tell me that I cannot possibly heal and move forward without it. It makes me want to scream. Seriously. Forgiveness works for some people and it works well. Forgiveness is not for me. Forgiveness is what got me into this whole mess in the first place: I forgave all the nasty comments. I forgave all the disapproving looks I forgave the comparisons that left me lacking. I forgave the gaslighting. I forgave them stealing my money. I forgave the divide created between me and my own family. I forgave the favouritism amongst my children. I forgave the questioning of my parenting to my children behind my back. I forgave the lack of any kind of love or empathy. I forgave the blame put on my shoulders. I forgave every, single, little way they made me feel like I was unworthy and useless and broken. I forgave them for 37 years. I forgave them despite the fact that they showed no remorse, there was never any apology and I found myself feeling crazier and crazier while they denied that it ever even happened. It wasn’t until I stopped forgiving them, it wasn’t until I realised my hurt and anger were justified, it wasn’t until I understood that my feelings were normal and understandable that I found the strength and courage to walk away. So No. I won’t forgive them. <3

I will give you a couple of examples. You walk into a crowded room and start a conversation with the person standing next to you. While you are speaking, they are looking around the room, appearing distracted and uninterested.  You may  *think* they don’t want to talk to me, it’s because I am ugly/boring You may then  *feel* angry, rejected or ashamed.  What if we changed our way of thinking?  You could try thinking: Maybe they are waiting for someone, maybe they are anxious or nervous themselves.. which would change the way you feel.  This has to be done in a mindful way because, thinking is like riding a bike.. Once we learn to do it, it’s automatic and subconscious. By being mindful of your thinking, you can change your feelings.  Don’t internalise.  If you do something nice for someone and they do not show any appreciation.   You may *think* that you don’t deserve to be appreciated, that you failed them and they didn’t like what you did. You may *feel* angry/sad/embarrassed.   You could try giving them a nudge instead and asking what they thought of it, or if they enjoyed it and maybe you will get a better response. Which will change the way you feel.  If you don’t get a better response, well.. remember that those feelings need to be aimed at them and not yourself because otherwise your own negative feelings can become overwhelming.  Don’t confuse the two.  For example: You tried to make a nice meal and you burnt it. Saying “I feel like a failure” is not a feeling at all, it is a thought. Failure is not an emotion. When you think to yourself “I feel like a failure” that will then bring fourth negative emotions like sadness or shame.  Instead, try thinking about how you can rectify that mistake next time and that perhaps tonight would be a really good night for a takeaway… then smile.  Thinking might be like riding a bike but, if I swapped it for a car, eventually you would learn to drive that too. That’s how it works with thinking, you just keep trying to change it until it becomes second nature.  <3

No Contact.  Zero. Zilch. Nada.  None.  OK OK you get what I mean. I am not saying it has to be forever or that you should never speak to a family member again. You may find you need to go back or you have to go back. You may feel stronger and more able to cope. You may have received counselling or therapy. You may decide that you cannot sacrifice a relationship with other family members. You may also later find that, you want to go back to No Contact and that’s ok too.  Ending No Contact does not mean accepting abuse. Ever.  For the entirety of the time that you wish to be No Contact, whether it is just time to heal and recover or a life choice, I wanted to give some advice about maintaining it in a way that is healthy for you. This includes dealing with unwanted contact and flying monkeys.  Block all known social media accounts owned by abusers. You do not need to know what they are doing or saying. I promise you it will be nothing good. Going No Contact does not just mean unfriending. Abusive people know very well how to push your buttons.. whether it is by making you angry or making you feel guilty. Resist the temptation to go back and look by blocking permanently. If you find you have mutual friends passing on information, kindly inform them that you would rather not know unless it is something that could be damaging to your career or your home life.  Block numbers from your phone so that you do not answer by mistake. If you cannot block numbers, change the name to something along the lines of “Don’t answer” so you will not be tempted. If they call you from a number you didn’t recognise, disconnect the call immediately.  If you can avoid it, I know this is extremely difficult because I can’t do it. Do not read Letters/Texts/Emails. Pass them to a partner or trusted friend who can read them and pass on any information you may need to know. If you, like me do read them, DO NOT answer.  I know this can be incredibly difficult but, look for the following, recognise what you are seeing.  The false apology  “I am sorry you misunderstood”  “I am sorry you feel that way”  “I am sorry you are hurt”. Recognise that these are not real apologies but, rather put the blame on you. You feel that way, your abuser is taking no responsibility for it.  The guilt trip.  They tell you they are sick.  They tell you they are hurt and devastated.  They put the blame onto you, someone else or their own childhood.  Remember that, we are all responsible for our own behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse.   Hoovering. They may profess that they love and miss you.  They may tell you that they have gifts or money for you.  They may promise that things will be different in future.  These are all lies, we both know that. You have so much love to give and want so much to have it back. You will not find it here. All they want is to hurt you so they can feel good about themselves.  The Flying Monkey.  These will come at you with all of the above, as well as: “Life is too short” “They may die soon” “ You will regret this one day” Deflect Flying Monkeys by simply saying “I do not feel comfortable talking about this with you. Hope you are well.”  Your abuser may also send messages to rouse you to reply in anger, They will deliberately bring up topics  “innocently” in such a way that you will see what is implied but, others may not. Do not fall for it. Apart from the supply they will get having gotten your attention (They do not care if that attention is negative) your angry response will likely be shown around to others as proof of how awful you are, garnering them pity supply.  A couple of other points while I think of them.  Gifts through the mail.  Do not sign for anything, tell them to return it. If it comes in normal mail, simply pass it on to a charity shop so some good can come of it.  Unwanted visits.  If your abuser turns up on your doorstep, do not answer the door. If you answer it by accident not knowing who it is, simply shut the door. If they prevent you from doing so, call the police. Practice what you will do if they turn up at your house. Call a good friend to distract you while they are outside.  Keep records. I know I said don’t read the emails/letters/texts if you can but, you should probably keep them somewhere. Emotional abusers and especially narcissists have been known to try to bring you down by other means. Whether that means contacting people close to you, your employers, the police or even social services. That last one makes me furious. just so you know. Anyway, they have been known to make some quite ridiculous claims. Having a record of any abusive behaviour can be extremely helpful there.  The last resort.  Unwanted contact is harassment. ANY kind of unwanted contact is harassment. The police will absolutely be on your side. Do not be afraid to use them. They will issue a verbal warning as a first step and they can also issue restraining orders and even fines or prison time for breaking them. ALL UNWANTED CONTACT IS HARASSMENT. Please don’t forget that. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging, do not be ashamed or embarrassed to report it.  You an do this, you deserve better. <3