My commrads in suffering

If so... Is there any possibility for a trans Simon.. Like.. I need it...

“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”

It was the first time that Simon drew blood.

The boy— Ezekiel, if Sibmah remembers correctly— scrambles back, red ichor streaming down his face and dripping onto patchwork clothes. He stares up at Sibmah, trembling.

Sibmah does not cow. He stares back, down, teeth bared and fists clenched.

“I am not. A fucking. Whore.”

The words are no less sharp for the way his voice pitches up, for the cloth that falls to his knees and sways or the hair tied up with modesty.

Sibmah takes a step forward. The boy scrambles back.

There’s a sort of twisted pride that Sibmah derives from the glimmer of fear shining up at him. Girls weren’t supposed to be scary. They weren’t supposed to have claws or venom. They were small, quiet, submissive. They didn't snap back. 

Sibmah jolts forward, grinning as Ezekiel whimpers and throws himself backwards. 

Oh, to have even a modicum of power. 

Sibmah gasps as a hand lands on his shoulder. Somehow, without turning around, without daring to exhale, he knows who it is. 

"You're the one who sneaks into our lessons, hm? Who watches when you're supposed to be cooking with the women?" 

Sibmah swallows, terror creeping up his throat. 

"Yes, Father." 

"Hm." The hand on his shoulder squeezes. "Simon, then." 

The hand disappears, the hall echoing as boots click along the metal paneling of the floor. 

"Come along." 

It's the first time Simon is happy to obey. 

--

"It was a death sentence. Being a woman." 

Simon watches as Grace traces the scars on his chest. Grace is gentle, searching, eyes wide and all-absorbing as he trails the lines that have almost faded entirely. 

It's a kind of gentleness that puts a knot in Simon's throat. 

"Is that why you did it?" Grace asks, voice just as soft as his lingering touches. 

Simon shrugs, leaning back and sighing as his head sinks into the pillows. "Part of it, I think. I mean, I was just doing whatever I could to make sure I didn't end up like my mom." 

Grace hums, hands splayed on either side of Simon's torso and thumbs dragging along the old marks. "So, you're…?" 

"I'm a man." Simon snaps, then winces. He drags a hand over his face and is comforted by the fact that Grace hasn't pulled away. "Fuck, sorry, I know that's not- what you meant." 

Simon sighs, staring up at their bedroom ceiling as he considers. 

"I am a man. That's not really what I was thinking as a kid, though. I just knew I couldn't end up like the Sisters." 

It's silent for a few moments, the words hanging in the air. Simon hadn't told Grace everything about Eden— he didn't know if he had it in him to crack open that part of his soul just yet. Maybe ever. 

"I'm sorry." Grace murmurs, leaning forward to press his forehead against Simon's sternum. "That it wasn't a happy thing for you." 

Simon closes his eyes. He moves his hand, finding one of Grace's and lacing it with his own. The words, once he manages them, are small. 

"I always thought the 'made in His image thing' was bullshit." 

--

Hope is not easy, and for it to get you through the darkest moments, that hope has to be stronger than it all, so no.

I am struggling so bad you wouldn't believe me😭

oh do i ever. i may be insane about character study but it continues to serve me well. i have a full character history/analysis that i use for reference if you guys would ever want to see that as well!

one of the biggest mistakes i've seen in the way people characterize Simon is that he often (but certainly not always!) tends to fall into one of two portrayals: either he's extremely aggressive and borderline abusive or he's a poor little guy who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time during the attack on Filament Station.

listen to me when i tell you this. neither of these are true. Simon is sort of a difficult guy to write because he's an extremely morally complex character. Simon earned the nickname 'The Butcher' well before the attack on Filament because among his brothers he was the most aggressive in the fight for resources between Eden and the COI. he has minimum 62 deaths on his hands and we only have that number because that was the casualty from the attack on Filament. Simon has absolutely killed more people than that.

however, Simon is not an inherently confrontational or aggressive character. does he get aggressive? does he spend basically the entire movie confronting? oh, absolutely, but that's because SImon is utterly desperate to survive. that is his ultimate, intrinsic motivation. Simon has never been guaranteed another day and he's had to claw tooth and nail for the resources he needed to stay alive.

he was entirely— albeit frustratedly— willing to submit and comply to the demands of the COI if it meant he got to go home. he spends the entire movie trying to get the information they want and literally begging to just go home. he also displayed an immense amount of remorse when he almost certainly caused that guy's death by blasting him with a fuckton of radiation— Simon has killed because he had to, not because he wanted to, and he's haunted by a guilty conscious because of it.

so, all that being said, how do you write him? it's pretty heavily dependent on what setting you're writing him in but the most important thing i can impart upon you is this:

if he's not in a horror move, do not write Simon like he's in a horror movie. please, i am fucking begging you. if Simon is in a situation where he's not having to literally kill to survive— and if he's aware of this— he's not going to be reacting like he's in a horror movie. if we're dropping him into PHM, that's not a horror movie setting. he will not be having to choose between fight or flight for every single one of his reactions.

Simon is also a pretty distrusting character just by nature of the way he grew up and how he had to operate in the world— it's going to take him a while before he gets to a place where he's comfortable in any way shape or form.

basically you gotta write him like he's a rescue dog. initially he'll be incredibly jumpy and skittish and he will absolutely lash out but that's because he's scared. Simon, at his core, is scared and reacting on instinct when he feels like he's being threatened.

since we never saw Simon outside of a horror movie setting you'll absolutely have to take some creative liberties with how you write him. personally i interpret him as pretty docile but the most important thing is just to make sure you're not making him one-dimensional. we as people are multifaceted and so are our characters.

The thing is, there’s no way to know where these people are coming from. In the before, when fandom was more in the corners we all knew about, you could search LJ or a message board or whatever social bookmarking site we were using. You could join the community and participate.

You could get a little dopamine hit by seeing someone tell their friends why they loved your story.

Anymore, those recs are hidden in discords, or in tiktoks or instagram slideshows that you can’t search for. They’re inaccessible, not discoverable unless you’re already there. You may never know why 27 people left kudos on an old story of yours, what they liked and found in your writing. You just get the thumbs up and a kinda lonely feeling, cause these could be your people. You could like them, maybe. You could be friends.

But you’ll never find out why they stopped by, or what people are saying about you behind your back, and that’s sad.

write insane shit that’s way beyond your perceived ability and skill level even if you don’t finish it even if you think it sucks