see ; saw

a part of me died with your absence. i don’t love him the same way i did you. i don’t think i ever could anymore. giving my whole heart to someone unconditionally. it’s been two and a half years now, but i still think about you from time to time. wouldn’t it be nice to wake up and find that you longer exist in my memory? because that’s all that’s left - a remnant of the time when we were us, living only in my memory.

been having this impending feeling that my life would be coming to a close soon over the past few months. i’ve never thought that feeling like an outsider looking in would extend to adulthood, and i feel like i’m actively dissociating my mental space from my physical body to overcome the feelings of rejection from everyone else in this world. adopting an out-of-body perspective so i don’t associate myself with worldly feelings of shame and heartache. i’ve never felt like i’ve belonged in this world, and now i feel that it’s only right for me to disappear, to return to where i was supposed to be. but i have no idea where it is that i truly belong. i feel like i’m dragging my body around, hoping that i could molt out of it someday.

sometimes, i still wonder if you’ve changed. because it does look that way, and i wonder what made you change. and even if you did, i know you won’t come back. perhaps i’m the past that you’ve long forgotten. or perhaps i’m someone you don’t wish to remember. but the time we spent together still haunts me till this day. and even after everything, i still want it to be you.