we are the weirdos, mister

Went to Ana’s after school today because OBVIOUSLY I had to tell her EVERYTHING. I messaged her about it yesterday and hilarity ensued. It went a lil’ something like this:

Me: dont freak out but.... i have something BIG to tell you 2moro

Ana: ummmm well now im freaking out??

Ana: what happened

Ana: what happened

Ana: TELL ME

Me: i have 2 tell u in person!!!

Ana: NO

Ana: TELL ME NOW

Ana: FLORA

Ana: THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME

Me: lololololololol plz calm down, i will tell you everything 2moro!!

Ana: IM DYING HERE

Anyway, I told her and OBVI she DIEDDD. We both did. And then we were resurrected by the grace of God (or whichever type of god is the coolest lol). TBH I think she was kinda jealous.... she was like, "NOTHING happens at Nettlebrook High. Some people do homework. Some people get drunk. Everyone is boring."

But I told her, "That's how people are at Bogwick too. James is the exception." (literally ~ b l u s h i n g ~ as I type this)

Ana was like, "GET A ROOM. Or a book deal." xDD

It's nice having real friends. People I can be real with, ya know? I guess I didn't realize how precious that is...

...

Whenever I think about James, I feel like my whole body is on fire. And I feel feelings that I feel like I shouldn't be feeling, if you know what I mean. I know what I mean, but I feel like I SHOULDN'T know what I mean, you know what I mean?

(๑/////๑ " )

I don't know how to behave at school. I don't want the Lord to look upon me this way (/ω＼) ACKK IDK if I even want ME to look upon me this way!!!!

Unfortunately for the Lord and me, I am feeling feelings. and these particular feelings feel 𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽 but I also feel like I should conceal them ...... but should I???

IDK who to ask, so I pose this question to the VOID. To the INTERWEBZ. To the BOG:

I simply can't stop myself from feeling these feelings, but WHERE do I possibly put these feelings?????

We were kneeling side by side on the floor of the chapel. The deacon (who we checked in with for credit) and a couple other students were scattered throughout the room, sitting in pews and praying. I had never been in the chapel with so few people before and it was a little eerie. The giant crucifix at the front was looking especially foreboding, as was the giant painting of the Virgin Mary.

I glanced at James who was pretending to pray. I was admiring the warm flicker of the votive candles on his face. But then remembered I also had to look like I was pretending to pray. And also I’M MAD AT HIM.

I was sweating and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. “James,” I whispered, hoping it would come out hard and serious, but actually came out more breathless and quivering, “We need to talk.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his head bow down slightly. He whispered back, “I know.”

My face was getting hot. “What do you mean you know?”

“I know I need to apologize. Again.”

I didn’t respond. I hadn’t expected him to say that.

“I’ve been distant. I ran away again. And that isn’t fair to you.”

My eyes were getting wet but I willed myself not to cry. Why was I crying? Relief, probably. Because I didn’t have to force an apology out of him.

But I did still deserve an explanation.

“Why do you do that, James?” I asked.

He was quiet. Then said, “I think because it’s easier to run away than to be left? If that makes sense...” I could tell he was really nervous. “That sounds pretty messed up now that I say it out loud.”

I sighed. “So you’re afraid I’ll leave you?”

He shook his head slightly. “I don’t know, I-- I know what people say about me. And I know it sounds weird. And maybe I am kinda weird, ya know?”

“James, I don’t care if you’re weird,” I said with a small smile. “I actually like weird. I don’t like being shut out. And I don’t like dishonesty.”

“I know this sounds stupid but... I’m afraid to be honest sometimes.”

“Is this about your ‘friends?’ The way they treat you?”

He was silent. “...Yeah. Probably.”

I sighed. “You don’t have to be ashamed about what your family does, James. I don’t care about the crap your so-called friends say about you. I’m sure they gossip about me too.”

“They’re not all bad. Christa is a good friend. She’s always looked out for me, since we were kids. But yeah, some of the others can be... unkind.”

I know I needed to ask him the question, the question this whole conversation hinges on. I took a deep breath in and asked: “James... what ARE we?”

He hesitated “I’m sorry, I’m-- I’m not very good at this stuff...”

My heart was beating, my stomach fluttering. Why can’t he just answer the question? “James,” I said slowly and seriously, staring at my clasped hands, “if this is you trying to let me down easy, it’s actually making it a lot worse.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his head quick-turn in my direction. “What? No. No, no, no. That’s not what I meant at all.”

I slumped onto my butt, surrendering all pretenses of prayer. “Then what did you mean?”

James surrendered too. “I mean, I...  I know how lame this sounds, but... this stuff is NEW to me. I’m so used to keeping my feelings to myself and stuff. I’m not used to sharing my feelings--especially, you know, these kinds of feelings.” He looked at me desperately. “I really, really like you, Flora.” He glanced up to see if anyone was eavesdropping on our exchange, but I just gazed at him breathlessly. He looked at me again, the coast apparently clear, and flashed a nervous half-smile at me, which made my stomach even more aflutter. “So... do you want to be my girlfriend?”

My face involuntarily broke into a big smile and I nodded vigorously like a big dork. He grinned back at me. Then his eyes quickly scanned the room again as he scooched closer to me. Suddenly, everything was in slow motion. I didn’t care if the deacon was watching. I didn’t care if I got expelled. All I felt was electricity in my skin as I leaned in and our lips touched.

WE KISSED.

ON THE FLOOR OF A CHURCH. ONLY PARTIALLY OBSCURED BY THE PEWS.

WITH A DEACON PRESENT.

Ana’s going to LOSE HER SHIT.

~~~~~

Erm yeahhh x) That’s what happened today.  ᵉʰᵉʰᵉ(*/∇＼⭒)

Oh! And I also brought up the whole Cecil thing. I told him that he didn’t need to be ashamed of his first name and that I actually like it. It’s unique! But he said James sounds more mysterious LOL. He was also like, “I’m sticking with James because that means our couple name is Flames” xD xDDD

I tried my best to play it cool around my mom, because if she found out I had KISSED A BOY?? She’d probably have me burned at the stake. 

Ohhh my goodness, I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. I don’t think I’ll be able to get any sleep tonight. His sweet smell, his warmth, his LIPS -- AHHHHHHHHHHH ❤

It wasn’t exactly how I pictured my first kiss happening...

But I loved it   *♡*｡∞(〃 ω 〃)ﾟ∞｡*♡*

Well, I’ve been writing for literal hours now so I better wrap this up LOL. I’m so behind on homework. But,

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ❤❤

(Buckle up, this is gonna be a long one.)

Was RUDELY AWAKENED by my mom this morning, 10 MINUTES BEFORE MY ALARM WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OFF. I was like “Mommm, whyyyyy” and she was like “you slept enough.” I begged her to let me stay home today, I was like “Please don’t make me go mom, pleeeeeease” but she didn’t budge. I told her I can’t do it and she snapped at me, “Sí, te puedes. Don’t you ever say ‘I can’t.’” 

That’s when I realized why she had woken me up early. It’s...

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　Lecture Time　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“Trust in me, Flora. I know school is hard. But I know also that you are smart and strong, como tu madre. I made it through school. I got through school with YOU IN MY BELLY. We can do anything. Nosotros tenemos FUERZA. I didn’t name you Flora because you are delicate. I named you Flora Anahí because you are resilient, como un yuyo, como la flor del árbol de ceibo.”

I relented and went to school, my eyes still crazy puffy from my weeping sesh yesterday. 

While I rode the school bus, her words echoed in my mind. Not sure how I feel about being called a literal weed, but I appreciated my mom’s sentiment. It was actually really touching. They were words I felt like I could embody. I thought about James (a.k.a. CECIL) and how fed up I was with his obliqueness. I knew I had to talk to him straight, to ask him what the heck is up. Or else it would just fester inside me and I may never know peace.

But my stomach dropped and all my confidence disintegrated as soon as I climbed down the stairs of the bus and looked at Bogwick Academy looming over me, like Hogwarts, but in books 5-7. It dawned on me that asking James what the heck is up involved ME ASKING JAMES WHAT THE HECK IS UP. And I had NO idea how to do that.

I breathed in deep. And let out a big sigh. FUERZA.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I found Christa anxiously waiting by my locker. She apologized profusely for Gen and Bradley’s “childish” behavior. She said, “They never should have treated you that way. Especially when you were opening up about something personal and sensitive. I really can’t stand them sometimes.” Then she quickly added, “But don’t tell her I said that.”

I accepted her apology, but really wanted to ask if you can’t stand them, why do you keep standing BY them?

“And if there’s anything I can do to make up for it, please let me know, okay?”

I considered asking if she could erase Gen Ericson from this plane of existence, but held my tongue.

Christa continued, “About Gen, I think she’s just in a sensitive place right now. In the past, she has gotten pretty... possessive of me, I guess? I don’t think she likes when I make new friends...” Christa shrugged. “She isn’t all that bad when she warms up to you. I swear. And James... well, he’s always kinda been in a sensitive place. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure he doesn’t mean any harm.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “And, I mean, if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. You and me will still be friends.” She smiled warmly and it did actually kinda make me feel better for some reason. But the feeling was short lived as soon as first period rolled around.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

First period was a bit of a bust cuz I was called into the headmaster’s office, where I received a ~lecture~ (much less inspiring than my mom’s) from Headmaster Wick. He basically told me that as a Bogwick student, it is my responsibility to uphold the 3 tenets of the school blah blah blah normally this would be grounds for suspension but since this is my first infringement of the rules, he’ll let me off with a warning blah blah blah if I pull a stunt like this again, I will lose my scholarship BLAH BLAH BLAH. Part of me was hoping he would expel me on the spot, save me from having to interact with Gen or Bradley or even James ever again. Alas, I wasn’t so fortunate. He told me I was “specially chosen” this scholarship by God’s grace (huh?) and I’m a valued member of the student body and he has faith that I will contribute great things to this community blah blah blah *insert more sanctimonious bullcrap here* 

Oh! And how could I forget? I am of course required to confess my sins and say three hail-marys. UGHHH what a JOKE. （￣^￣）凸

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By God’s ACTUAL grace, Gen was unusually quiet and ameanable in our classes together. Usually, when Gen isn’t speaking to me, it’s because she’s ignoring me, but today she was smiling at me. Kind of a scared smile. Christa must have really scolded her LOL.

So yeah, I was able to make it thru most of the day mishap-free, but I DID skip lunch cuz I didn’t feel ready to confront James. I’ve realized I am not a confrontational person. In fact, I would much prefer to avoid confrontation and conflict of any kind. I try to see things from other people’s perspective and act empathetically towards them. But I am also someone who strongly believes in fairness... And I kinda feel like I’m being treated unfairly. I mean, I AM being treated unfairly. I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit...

I can feel the panic begin to rise as I spend my lunch period sitting on a toilet and biting my nails to a pulp. I remind myself to breathe. Just breathe

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Which brings me to Bible Study. The class I have with James.

After some breath exercises (the ones Mr. Phillips taught me in voice lessons), I steeled myself to enter the classroom when, suddenly, I felt a gentle tug on my wrist. I turned around to see James looking at me with his puppy dog eyes. They always make me melt a little, which is very annoying at a time such as this.

He said, “You don’t have to go in. I already told Teach we wanted to spend this class period praying in the chapel.”

“What?”

“It should count as your confession. Ya know, for your suspension.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Because,” he said sheepishly, “I’ve been suspended before.”

So I had another HORRID exchange with the Bogwick crowd today. We were at lunch and James wasn’t there. Christa must have noticed I looked disappointed, cuz she asked, “How are things between you and James?” Gen and Bradley were absorbed in their own conversation (they’re together again, surprise surprise), so I felt like I could tell her the truth without fear of judgement.

I told her, “I’m not sure” but instantly regretted it as Gen and Bradley stopped doing their weird, Jesus-approved PDA and Gen turned to look at me.

That familiar cruel grin spread across her face and she said, “Oh no, did Cee Cee finally scare you away with his sixth sense?”

I could tell Gen was savoring my confusion.

“Did James not tell you?” she asked in that familiar fake-concerned voice. I glanced at Christa who was staring daggers at Gen. Gen ignored her and continued. “Did he not tell you that he See Sees dead people?”

Bradley cracked up and Gen looked stupidly proud. I still had no idea what they were talking about. Before Gen and Bradley could continue, Christa jumped in and informed me, “James goes by his middle name. His first name is Cecil. That’s why we used to call him Cee Cee, but we DON’T anymore.” Christa shot a sharp look at Gen and Bradley.

“Bradley came up with it,” Gen said proudly, ignoring Christa altogether.

“Yeah,” Bradley jumped in. “We called him Cee Cee cuz he See Sees dead people!”

“WILL YOU QUIT IT?” Christa said sharply. She looked at me sympathetically and said, “Don’t listen to them, Flora” Her tone was comforting, but she was clearly annoyed by Gen and Bradley. And there was something else there that I can’t quite pinpoint... desperation?

“Chill out, Christa,” Bradley said. “We’re just joking around. Besides, you used to think it was funny.”

“Yeah, when we were nine,” Christa snapped back at him.

I started feeling really weird again. Like that night at the party. I excused myself and left. I don’t even know how they all reacted, I was in such a daze.

I could feel my heart pounding. Before I knew it, my shitty winter boots were on and I was bolting home through the January slush.

As I ran, heaving, my head was spinning with thoughts of James and all this weirdness. I didn’t know who his family was until last week, and I didn’t even know his ACTUAL NAME until TODAY!!! And, of course, HE didn’t share these things with me. Why are his mean, shitty friends more honest with me than he is??? Why is he even friends with them? And what am I to him?? For God’s sake, I don’t even know if we’re together-together or not!!!

I got home and my mom was in the living room, reading a magazine. She looked at me with surprise. Then anger, realizing I had ditched school in the middle of the day. Then concern, as I burst into tears.

She immediately started consoling me as I wailed, “I’M SORRY, MAMA, I’M SORRY” and she held me close and repeated, “Todo esta bien, toda esta bien.”

So yeah. Today sucked. Kinda feels like everything sucks. But my mom forgave me and made me an early dinner (mbeju, my favorite).

I really really really really don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I don’t think I have the strength or resolve to face everyone. Ughhh.

Hoping that this week won’t be as big a shitshow as this past weekend. My mom has been giving me the cold shoulder. The past two days she told me to make my own dinner because “no me siento apreciada.” I know I have to apologize for pushing her the other night. I do feel kinda bad... She is obviously sensitive about our past for some reason. As much as I want to know why, I don’t want to make her upset. Also... I suck at cooking.

I’m also basically grounded. But thank GOD for the The interwebzzz cuz I was able to IM with Ana. We sent each other music videos all night which made me feel better.

I hate this stupid assignment ughhhh

Everyone at Bogwick is from Nettlebrook, and their families have lived here for generations. The Founding Families can literally trace their ancestry back to when they arrived in the U.S. as pilgrims-- and probably even before that! They have documents, letters, old photos, heirlooms. I don’t have anything. I asked my mom about our ancestry and she said her and Tía’s parents (mis abuelos) were indios living on the countryside of Paraguay, but they died when she was really young. I stared at her, waiting for her to continue. She didnt. Finally, I was like “y?”

She was like “Y, que?” and I, flustered, said “mama, what were their names? Do we have any other relatives? How did we even end up here??”

My mom sighed and was like, “M’hija, te he dicho esto ya” and I exclaimed, “NO YOU HAVEN’T!” cuz she literally never, ever sat me down and told me anything. Why is everyone trying to keep secrets from me???

After my outburst, Mamá got mad and yelled, “Te estoy haciendo la cena! Que más necesitas de mi!?” and I just yelled “UGH” and stomped into my room, where I am right now, typing this rant. Needless to say, my appetite has been utterly spoiled.

Shall I expound on ALL the questions I have? I’ll start with the NUMBER 1 question: WHY THE FUCK DID WE MOVE HERE? Where it’s rainy and cold and bleak most of the time? Where, no matter how hard I try to fit in, everyone still thinks I’m a freak??

Why did we leave Paraguay?? And when? How come I can’t remember???

AND WHO ARE CARMEN AND I’s DADS?????????

History class is the bane of my existence.

Not just because of Gen (well, mostly because of Gen) but rather cuz we’re barely taught anything! Not that anyone else cares SMH  -__-

But seriously there are SO MANY GAPS in what they teach us! I would know, I watch the History Channel, I’ve read Ana’s dad’s National Geographic collection! All we learn about is American history and even then, all they really talk about is the stupid pilgrims and Nettlebrook’s founders. SO. LAME.

Speaking of which, I discovered something. Something I feel righteously stupid for not figuring out sooner.

We were in class, talking about the town’s founders, which is usually my cue to tune out, but when I was about to, the teacher went over the founder’s names when I heard a very familiar one: Graves. Then of course Gen elbowed me in the ribs with a wry grin on her annoying face and hissed, “Flora Graves has a nice ring to it. Hope you like the smell of embalming fluid.” I, as per usual, turned beet red. But in hindsight, it kinda seemed like like she had that line prepared for a while and was desperately waiting for the right time to use it, which is actually quite lame LOL.

Anyway, back to the real issue: What is wrong with me? How did I not realize James comes from a FOUNDING FAMILY? And that his did is the town’s funeral director? I guess that solves the mystery of why he was so hesitant to discuss anything about his family life with me. Or why he won’t invite me to his house.

IDK how to tell him he doesn’t have to be embarrassed about it. I mean, I get why he IS embarrassed-- his stuck-up friends relentlessly make fun of him for it. God, I don’t know how I didn’t put it all together until now...

Shopping with Christa and Gen was pretty much a complete disaster, as Gen used every opportunity she could to mortify me.

Why did I even agree to this in the first place? It’s not like I could afford anything at the places we were going, and of course, Gen jumped at the chance to draw attention to that at every moment she could. Like she kept finding the most expensive clothes at whatever store we were at and suggesting I try it on, then when I would awkwardly decline, she would make a whole scene of being like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY, I KEEPT FORGETTING” and then she kept pointing out the sale sections to me  -__-*  I even noticed store workers kinda staring at me, like they could literally SMELL the Bog on me or something SMH.

I tried on some gold hoop earrings and Christa told me gold is definitely my color, which was super flattering. Preeeetty sure I blushed a lil bit xD  Idk, she has this celebrity vibe to her LOL

I could tell Gen was not pleased by my receiving any positive attention. When Christa was in the changing room, Gen basically cornered me, wearing a wide, forced smile and said, in a voice so saccharine I could have thrown up, “Gold is my color too, but I would never be caught dead in hoops. They’re so...” I caught her slightly looking me up and down “...ya know.” She wrinkled her nose as though I was the human embodiment of a gym sock. I didn’t really react cuz I was honestly just so baffled by her brazen cruelty. Then she continued, coolly, like she hadn’t just insulted me, “So you and James are, like, officially together now, right?”

My face betrayed me and turned beet red. I stammered, “I mean, we’re hanging out...” (so pathetic, I know)

“I didn’t know James ‘hung out.’ He REALLY likes keeping to himself. A little weird, no?”

I shrugged pathetically and looked down at my shoes, willing this interaction to end.

“I’m not saying that’s a BAD thing! I get it, he’s mysterious. I mean, you know I know the dirt on EVERYONE at Bogwick, but he has always been a hard one to figure out, ya know?” I wasn’t really sure what Gen wanted me to say so I just kinda stayed silent. She continued, “What, so you aren’t even a little curious about what skeletons he could be hiding in his closet?”

Thankfully, Christa emerged from the dressing room looking as gorgeous as always and Gen instantly snapped to attention, showering her in compliments. I let out a sigh of relief, but at this point, I was so deeply anxious that I couldn’t even focus on anything happening around me. Gen had thoroughly shaken me up this time, and I don’t even know how! Just the way she talks, the way she makes you feel so small and stupid UGH. I don’t even remember the rest of the day.

I think Christa has noticed how tuned out I’ve been at lunch and stuff cuz she invited me to go shopping with her and Gen (barf) this weekend.

I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions about it cuz like on one hand, I’m kinda honored that the prettiest, most popular girl in school is inviting me to stuff (I kno how lame that sounds LOL)... but on the the other hand, while I appreciate how considerate Christa is (she really seems to want to make me feel included), it sometimes feels like her generosity borders on pity? Idk if that’s true or if I’m just being self-conscious tho...

Another con is that GEN will be there  (￣x￣;)  I can’t tell if Gen HATES me, or if she just reserves her disdain for EVERYONE. It’s just so weird, cuz like one day, she’ll act like we’re BFFs and try to gossip with me (of course, this means that SHE gossips, while I listen and vaguely pretend to be interested--she even told me I’m “such a good listener!” xD), then the next day she won’t even acknowledge my existence and will intentionally freeze me out of conversations!! At first, I feel hurt and frustrated, but then I remind myself how unpleasant it is to interact with Gen LOL. It may sting momentarily, but its ultimately less mind-numbing and energy-consuming to be IGNORED by Gen than it is to pretend to be engrossed by her endless gossip sessions.

Anyway, I agreed to go shopping with them. We’ll just have to see how that goes.

In other news, James has hung out with me a few time while I’m working at the library  (♡˙︶˙♡)  Mrs. Stone (the head librarian, whom everyone sarcastically refers to as Mrs. “Stone-Cold Fox” -- she is anything but) seems a lot less bothered by him than she is by Ana. I suppose James does have that signature shy/quiet disposition that charms all the ladies, in contrast to Ana’s fiery, loud one. Her boisterous laugh does tend to fill up any room she’s in... but don’t tell her I said that!  ^_^;

Anyways, I’ve been opening up to James more and more, I told him about Ana and my fam, and he seemed genuinely interested. Unfortunately, the openness has not been reciprocated... :/  Well, except he did tell me that he has a lil sister too. She’s roughly the same age as Carma so I guess that’s pretty cute.

Turns out James had the same idea as me cuz he made me a mixtape too!!! That is pretty stinkin cute, you must admit. His mixtape had The Smiths, Fallout Boy (!!!!!), and some David Bowie songs. My favorite David Bowie song he included was “Heroes” cuz it’s just so romantic (teehee) I wonder if he meant it that way... (´ω｀*)  He also put on “The Man Who Sold The World” by Nirvana. It’s crazy to me that I haven’t gotten into David Bowie or Nirvana until now! I was majorly missing out!! I told James I loved his mixtape and I could tell he was really pleased (I think he even blushed!), however I did neglect to mention that I have literally been listening to it on repeat since he gave me it. Just thought withholding that fact may be for the best ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

Bummed to report that not only do I have choir with Gen, but I also hav History class with her! That’s a lot of Gen for me in a day, specially cuz she insists on sitting next to me in History, plus I have to sit with her at lunch (well, I mean, I don’t HAVE to, but you kno what i mean).

I spend most of the school day wishing I was in my Bible Study class so I can sit next to James (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ It doesn’t help that it’s the last class of the day! The longing whizzes in my brain and opens like a pit in my stomach all the day long. I want to sit with him at lunch too (imagine us sharing earbuds and listening to “Heroes” on his iPod !!!!!! my heart might burst just thinking about it *sigh of yearning*). I would sit with him (especially cuz Gen kind of just talks about herself all lunch period) but girls and boys mixing during free periods is frowned upon SMH.

Speaking of Gen talking about herself, she was really going off on a tirade this week. I guess Gen and Bradley broke up at the New Year’s party and it was a WHOLE THING. Literally everyday during lunch AND history, she spilled the nitty-gritty details of everything that “went down” at the party. God, that girl’s egotism gives me a headache.

I’ll recount what happened cuz, as stupid as it all is, it does make for some saucy drama:

So kinda early on in the night, Gen caught Bradley flirting with some “freshman nobody” (her words, not mine) in the hot tub which led Gen to confront them both on the spot, humiliating the freshman girl who climbed out of the hot tub, crying (Gen was proud of this). She said Bradley was pissed and claimed that they were “just talking,” which, admittedly, does sound like BS cuz I’ve never been in a hot tub, but their ~sensual~ connotation is a pretty well-known fact, I’d say. Anyway, to get back at Bradley, Gen started flirting with Oliver Goodrich (Bradley’s best friend), sitting on his lap, touching his arms and such. Bradley, of course, witnessed this and started throwing a tantrum like a baby, yelling, throwing things. (Though, I would hardly describe someone of Bradley’s proportions as a BABY--he’s stocky and all muscle! Him throwing a tantrum sounds SCARY! Again, reinforcing my decision NOT to go to parties.) Anyway, all this hullabaloo reached its epic conclusion with Bradley basically challenging Oliver to a duel??? CRAZY! They played chicken on their snowmobiles and Bradley won. Not sure WHAT exactly he won cuz Gen still broke up with him in front of everyone. Which led Bradley to pushing Oliver’s snowmobile off the cliff. Of course, Oliver was not pleased about this and the two got into a proper fist fight. ESCANDALO!

Yeah, so Bradley’s been pouting and fuming all week, Oliver and James have been sitting at their own table to avoid him, meanwhile Gen has been talking everyone’s ears off about these downright Shakespearean shenanigans. In fact, Gen KEEPS bringing it up in history class when we’re supposed to be working and the teacher keeps shushing us, as tho I’m the problem somehow? Idk how to let him know I SHARE HIS SENTIMENTS!

Ana was practically giddy hearing me recount all of this. I swear, she treats my Bogwick life like a soap opera *eye roll*. 

How can I blame her, tho? It basically IS（ ￣￣ー￣￣）

Can ya even believe it?

Ended up not going to the New Year’s party at Bradley’s. Just really not my scene. Ana’s mad cuz she really wanted me to go so I could report back to her about all the crazy shiz that went down. She was like “Come ON, let me live vicariously thru you!!!” but I was like NO WAY. I’d rather not get run over by a snow mobile... or a bunch of naked teens, thank you very much xD

James said he showed up for a second. People were apparently already wasted by the time he got there, which was pretty early on in the night. He left promptly. I feel a lot better knowing I’m not the only non-party-person at Bogwick.

A lil’ bummed cuz winter break is almost over n I won’t get to hang out with James again until the beginning of the semester cuz he says he’s really busy with stuff at home. I have no idea what that means. I don’t even know who his parents are--which is PRETTY WEIRD considering how obsessed most Bogwick ppl are with bragging about who their parents are and how much money they have (◔_◔) Gen’s probably the worst of them, which is kinda funny cuz like her dad just owns the grocery store. And the restaurant connected to it. Why brag about that? Whatevzzz.

I’m happy cuz James and I have Bible Study together! I’m not excited about having to take a bible study class every year but at least James will be in it.

WOWOWOWOW (≧◡≦) ♡

So James and I went on our first date today! Well, first second date, or whatever... xD don’t worry, I’ll tell you ALLLL about it!

We met at the Hideaway, which is this cute little coffee shop across the street from the library. I was so excited and nervous as I made my way across the street after work, I thought I might explode. Will this feeling ever subside? Or am I just going to feel like this always and I just have to deal with it?? Anyway, when I walked in, I saw him sat all the way in the back. He jumped up and met me at the front. He paid for our food and drinks (for food, I got a grilled chicken sandwich with pesto and mozzarella, and for a drink, I got a latte).

So we sat in the back, in this private lil’ alcove. As I pretended to enjoy my latte (this was the day I discovered I don’t like coffee LOL), we talked and talked and talked. I was still really nervous, of course, because I’m me and I overthink everything, but the convo felt surprisingly easy-going. He didn’t have that air of superiority that most of the kids at school have. Even Christa, who is really sweet, still had that aura of untouchability. But with James... idk, it just felt like he was really opening up to me and I could open up to him too without fear of judgement. 

We talked about school and how I feel like I have to be so self-conscious about how I come across? It makes me feel like I can’t say ANYTHING. It’s like I walk around on auto-pilot, too afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, that I don’t do or say anything AT ALL. Instead, I’m just trapped in my own head, exhaustively overanalyzing everything.

I realized I was kinda rambling and quickly clammed up and was like “sorry for rambling” but he just said, “I get that.” And he looked like he really meant it too. Not just like he was saying it to make me feel better.

I told him about how I was invited to the New Year’s Eve party at Bradley’s. He grimaced and said, “Yeah, ironically, that’s usually the biggest rager of the year. Which is why I usually don’t go.” I asked him why that was ironic and he revealed that Bradley’s dad is literally THE SHERIFF. Bradley Hawthorne is probably the biggest partier and underage drinker in all of Nettlebrook, but now that makes sense. He can do whatever he wants, it’s not like his dad is gonna throw him in jail!

James said things tend to get out of hand really quickly. Last year, a bunch of guys got totally wasted and went streaking, and the year before that, Bradley and another guy raced their snowmobiles down the hill. The other guy crashed and ended up in the hospital! But of course, nobody ever got in trouble.

He said the whole reason he invited me to Christa’s party was because his friends were hounding him to. HE doesn’t even enjoy going to parties most of the time. He also clarified that he wanted to hang out with me, just that he didn’t necessarily want to do that at a party (he was kinda blushing, I think!!! EEEEE). He said sorry again for what happened. He looked down and got really uncomfortable, then revealed to me that he suffers pretty badly from anxiety. He looked up at me really nervously, as though he thought I would be horrified by that.

I told him that I think I do too and he seemed to relax a bit. He said he’s had it since he was a kid, and his friends would make fun of him for being “sensitive” and a “chicken.” He said they still kinda do. I asked him why he was friends with them, if they treat him that way. He said they grew up together their whole lives. Their parents are all friends. He doesn’t really have a choice.

I could tell there was something different about James, something I could relate to. I guess we both are kind of outcasts, in our own way.

We also talked about music! It turns out we like a lot of the same artists and bands!!! Green Day, Muse, Coldplay, The Cure, even Paramore (I was not yet ready to reveal how to him OBSESSED I am with MCR and Evanescence). He also really likes David Bowie and says I should listen to his music. He hadn’t heard anything by Kate Bush, so I told him that that is his winter break homework LMAO! xD

He says he would still really like to hang out and play music sometime. Or just listen to music (he has a record player!!!). I was like, “Yes, absolutely!” but he warned me that his house isn’t as extravagant or well-kept as Christa’s or his other friends’ houses. I told him I could literally care less (cuz I don’t care LOL, I basically live in a shoe box). In fact, that’s kind of a relief to hear, cuz just being in as grand and luxurious a house as Christa’s made me really anxious. 

Anyway, we were so immersed in our conversation that we barely touched our food. I realized how dark it had gotten outside and remembered I needed to get home for dinner. As I stood up from our table, he did too and we kinda stared at each other for a second. My heart was pounding again. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hold him close. I wanted to KISS him.

But my brain went numb and I was like, “this was really fun!!” and then I REACHED OUT MY HAND AND I JUST KIND OF AWKWARDLY BRUSHED IT AGAINST HIS SHOULDER????? Like I basically just limply pawed at him??? He was like “yeah” but also looked kind of confused at what I was doing and I just spun around and zoomed out the door before I could further embarrass myself.

OH MY GOD OH MY OGD OH MY GOD WHY WHY WHY AM I LIKE THIS

I’m so so so embarrassed like WHAT WAS THAT

idk whyyyyyy I have to work at the library OVER WINTER BREAK! This HAS to be breaking some kind of child labor law!!!

There may be an upside to this indentured servitude tho..... I told my mom that I’m working at the library, but I told her I would be there longer than I actually am *GASP* (I might be getting TOO comfortable lying to my mom...)

Anyways this lil’ lie means I can spend some time James without my mom being suspicious of my whereabouts! ＼(＾▽＾)／ We’re planning on hanging out sometime after Christmas (we’ve been gmailing cuz he doesn’t have any social media, he would get along great with Ana LOL!!). He invited me to go out for coffee, which is exciting but also scary cuz that feels so DATE-Y AHHHHHHHHHHHH

But it’s cool. I’m cool. It ain’t no big thang...

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!

My first semester of sophomore year is over, which is bittersweet, since I don’t know if I’ll have a class with James next semester. But I also KILLED it this semester, if I do say so myself. Pretty sure I got all A’s! ᕙ(  •̀ ᗜ •́  )ᕗ  And Mr. Johnson said he was really impressed with my final paper! He said, and I quote, “your literary voice has matured over the course of the semester and I look forward to reading more of your work next semester!” !!!!! His only criticism was that I employ too many “superfluous modifier words” like “really” “pretty” and “just” and really he’s pretty right but I just don’t care ;P

I’ve sat at the popular girl table all week, so I guess we’re friends? I was even invited to a New Years party at Bradley’s house! I’m not really sure I’m gonna go. As I’ve made rather obvious, parties aren’t my jam. And tbh I’m still scarred from last week’s debacle.

James had his guitar solo today and I just about DIED bcuz he played “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas and I won’t lie, I was swooning like a 19th century maiden. I’m pretty sure all the girls in class were. He was so cute, I could even see him unconsciously mouthing the words to the song and his face was so expressive as he played and just AHHHHHHHHHHH

After class, I asked him if he sings and he said, “not well” but that he would like to hear ME sing sometime !!! So we’re planning on having a music date sometime over winter break (◕‿◕)♡