as of 25/05/2016, this blog is on hiatus.
sigh, i don’t know where to begin. let’s start with.. the fact that i am genuinely and sincerely sorry for all i’ve done wrong. my terrible way of responding to my mental illnesses have lead to me hurting people, to pulling stunts i didn’t even know i was doing. i know there are people who won’t forgive me or are hesitant to trust me due to what’s happened, and i acknowledge that. and i won’t force you to feel otherwise.
i’ve been an idiot, an overemotional fool with little regard of how others feel. and i realize that. in my irrational anger and panic i blamed everyone but the source, and was too afraid of coming to terms with the truth: that i was the one to’ve caused all this misery. it was never quite my intention, to be honest. but my words and my actions so far did nothing but prove the exact opposite and i accept that responsibility.
i am genuinely and sincerely sorry.
i’m sorry to bibi for my dismissive nature, my consistently defensive posture each time we talked. i realize i myself was the cause of the tension i thought was mutual, and i apologize for that. your criticism is valid and blinded by my complete selfishness and outright privilege i tried to fight you. righteously so, i lost. but all in all, it’s made me realize what i did wrong and given me a chance to improve. so i thank you for that, and again, you were right. (however -- a slight note. i don’t use he/him. i’m nb woman aligned & masculine terms make me extremely uncomfortable, so i’d prefer it if you could correct that.)
and sorry to dallas for being so nasty to him regarding his paranoia. i didn’t know what i was doing, and i understand that you’re hurt. i hurt you and defended it like a stuck-up idiot, and realized my mistake. i’m sorry for all the pain i’ve caused you and the paranoia that’s triggered in this whole mess. i was no worthy friend of yours and you were right to drop me.
and lindsey, oh gosh, lindsey. i cannot apologize enough to you. i didn’t know you were that uncomfortable, and i promise you that if you’d told me you were uncomfortable with my affection i would’ve stopped. i did really treasure you, and i’m so, deeply sorry for what i’ve caused. i failed you, and i’m so so sorry. i understand why you’d run away, and i hope you feel safer as of now.
and everyone else... i’m so sorry for the way i’ve acted, for the terrible person that i’ve been. for the people i’ve forced to choose and the people that felt pressured by me. i’m sorry for everyone i’ve insulted and villainized and held responsible for my own damn delusions. i’ve let my ‘self care’ consume me, leaving me with no compassion for anyone but myself. but i’m going to work on rectifying that, and this all was the wake up call i needed.
i don’t ask to or demand your forgiveness as i have no right to. i merely hope this makes you all feel better about the situation and that it gives you an opportunity to move on.
all in all, thank you.













