Ray

Jason: *snicker* come on, it's fine. patrol's basically over, the kids are all back at the cave, the entire city is peaceful, you can take one sip.

Bruce, tired: for the fourth time, i don't drink on the job, Hood.

Jason: come onnnn~ we haven't had some adult-batfamily hang out time for ages. it's the only time i ever like you, you gotta partake.

Bruce: *grunt* i'm still Gotham's protector.

Jason: ok and you're also my legal adoptive father, so take the stick out of your ass and have a beer with me. come on- come onnnn, i got a spare flaaaaassskkk~

*a long beat of silence*

Jason: come on- that's it- open up, i'll tip it in, you just gotta swallow, there we go,

Dick, amused: you have got the be the only person on this planet that can peer-pressure Batman into drinking alcohol, Jay.

Bruce: -ok, no, take it away, i'm not falling for this.

Jason: DICK. I WAS SO CLOSE.

Dick: *wheeze* i'm sorry- i didn't mean to-!

Jason: YOU SUCK.

Dick: *cackle* just gimmie the other flask, don't waste it.

*faint sloshing*

Bruce, resigned: you shouldn't be doing this in your suits, if something were to happen...

Dick: B, buddy, we've been sneaking alcohol into our bat-water-bottles since Jason was first adopted. we know how to swing and drink.

Bruce: i still don't know how i never caught you,

Jason, mouth slightly full: 'oo were- *cough* you were a very self centred guardian back then, man. i could do anything, you weren't fuckin' looking.

Bruce: *sigh* yes, well, mistakes were made.

Jason: *laughs* you're good, we had fun.

Dick, wistful: man, we did have some fucking fun. i still remember- Jay, do you remember when you snuck out to that party and B found out you were gone in the middle of the night-?

Jason: OH- oh, the time that i came back at like three AM and he'd moved ALL THE FURNITURE?

Bruce: *light snort*

Dick: *wheeze* yeah-

Jason: fucking- i was gone for like four hours and you moved all the furniture in the front section of the house into the back ballroom so i got back and thought i was in a fucking fever dream, everywhere empty,

Dick: *high-pitched, giggling* and he- he told you that a bunch of people had broken in and stolen all of our stuff-!

Jason, mocking: 'well maybe if Robin had been around then he could have stopped the crime, but apparently he had better things to do tonight-', *cackle*

Bruce, clearly amused: ah, yes. how long did i hide our furniture for?

Jason: dude- like two weeks! you kept coming up with excuses as to why i shouldn't go further into the manor than usual- you slept on the fucking floor.

Bruce: listen- *chuckle* listen-

Jason: NO FUCK OFF YOU CAN'T DEFEND THAT! THAT WAS MEAN!

Dick: god- you know honestly, i think we were too stubborn back then to say it out loud, but shit B, you gave as good as we did- you were funny.

Bruce: i was childish and didn't understand how to be a parent, Dick. i was bitter, and i was taking it out on the people i was supposed to lead.

Dick: yeah yeah- i'm not saying you didn't have failings within your moral responsibilities, we all did; but looking back, you did not get enough credit for the shit you used to pull.

Jason: i will admit i laughed hard at some of the shit he did. to this fucking day, one of my favourite memories from the first year after i got adopted was that weekend you came back to the manor for a big case bust, and halfway through patrol you got into that huge argument and swung back to Bludhaven so you left all your shit at the manor, and B- *wheeze* and B,

Dick: we got into so many arguments, Jace. you need to clarify-

Bruce: he uh, *audibly holding back laughter* i think he's talking about the time you left your car here, so i- *snort*...i sold it.

Dick: ...oh my god- I REMEMBER THAT!

Jason: *still wheezing*

Dick: MY FUCKING BENTLY, THAT SHIT WAS A CLASSIC.

Bruce, unapologetic: i know, ...and i gave it to one of the gardeners at Drake Manor for fifty dollars and a pepsi.

Jason: *crying* oh my- hold me,

Bruce: you're gonna- Jaylad, you're gonna fall off the roof, come here- *snickering*

Dick: i- B i was so mad back then, you have no idea. like it- *laugh* i did not find it funny. i had no respect for the comedic genius of your moves.

Bruce: yeah, well, we've all grown since then. that was the point, wasn't it? being better for the kids?

Jason: it would be funny if you sold Tim's car though,

Bruce, admonishing: Jason,

Tim, smug: he does,

Damian, beginning to wash up: *hisses* i'm not arguing with you, i just don't see why it matters.

Tim: are you kiddi- Dami, it's your first crush!

Damian: it's not though???

Tim: ok- well, it's the first time a guy's had a proper crush on you at least. do you seriously not like him back?

Damian: *scoff* 'proper', this is Jon Kent we're talking about. he gets a crush on anybody who ruffles his hair. you should have seen the first time Jason complimented his ability to fly, i thought i'd have to kick him out the manor to get away from the puppy adoration.

Tim: he's such a sweet kid though! i thought you guys were really close, anyway, do you really not reciprocate anything romantic?

Damian: of course not. i have no interest in human relationships.

Alfred, interrupting Tim with a warning glare: and that is perfectly fine, Damian. relationships do not define us.

Tim, rolling his eyes: well yeah, obviously, all that aroace acceptance shit; i just think it would be cute to have him as a younger brother in law.

Damian: *eyebrow raise* so get over yourself and ask out the clone?

Tim, abruptly going red: i-i don't know what-

Damian, exasperatedly throwing the dish towel at him: oh for fucks sake, Drake.

Tim: IT'S COMPLICATED.

Damian, giving a disgusted look: ugh. everything's complicated with you people. fucking romance.

Tim, whining: alright, alright, i'm just mourning the potential Damian-Jon wedding, that's all.

Damian, as he walks over to open the fridge: *casual* ...oh. well there's no need for that, i still plan on marrying him.

Alfred: *drops his spoon*

Tim: ....EH?

Damian, blinking cluelessly: well it would be beneficial? he is clearly affectionate of me, which is good for loyalty, and his meta abilities make him very useful in a lot of situations, which makes him a good potential right-hand. marriage is just a business contract, after all.

*complete baffled silence*

Damian: plus, a relationship that has no possibility for producing an heir will severely disappoint my grandfather, which Jason tells me should always be a priority.

Alfred, genuinely speechless: ...and this is a plan you've... thought about?

Damian: *shrug* not much? it just seems a no brainer.

Tim: ...does Jon not get a say in this?

Damian: well i assume he'll have to say i do at some point, so yes.

Alfred: and you think this is an arrangement Jon would be ok with?

Damian: i'm sure he's fine with it.

Tim: how the hell would you know that?!

Damian, looking at them as if they're stupid: ...because he's in the manor and has super hearing? i assume that if he was against the idea he would have spoken up by now.

Alfred:

Tim:

Damian:

Jon, faintly from the other side of the manor: I'M UP FOR IT!!! WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I'M AN ADULT, DAD SAYS SO.

Tim:

Alfred:

*Alfred in the front of a limousine, driving Jason and Dick to meet the others at a gala, of which they are supremely late for*

Dick: can you move ov- ok fuck off Jason, don't be an asshole.

Jason, filming Dick on his phone as he tries to wriggle into his suit pants in the back of the car, grinning wildly: *snickers* well why didn't you just put them on before we left?

Dick: ALFRED TOLD ME WE WERE IN A RUSH OK I PANICKED.

Jason, as Dick finishes getting changed and snatches his phone away: how late are we, Alfie? what time was it supposed to start?

Alfred: about two and a half hours ago, Master Jason. the event is already well under way. don't fret, we're only a few streets from the location.

Dick: damn, two hours? that's the worst time to come in. that's around the time B starts pretending to get drunk. do you know how hard it is to stand in the middle of a group of people watching him pretend to stumble and challenging every other person he sees to an arm wrestle? it's demeaning.

Jason: i mean at least he isn't actually drunk.

Dick: that makes it WORSE! do you know the amount of times i've had him fucking- gyrating on statues or giving strip teases in the middle of ballrooms; and i have to stand there with the knowledge that this man hasn't drank a drop of alcohol? -and then somebody will turn to me with genuine concern in their eyes, like, 'um, Richard? this is the man that raised you.' *pause* 'is everything ok at home?'

Jason: *bursts out laughing*

Dick, bitter: like yeah, there's daddy dearest over there, carrying the family name in all it's glory. thank you for noticing Melissa.

Jason: *snort* honestly, i don't mind it. i don't care if Bruce starts fucking around, i'm just hoping Tim doesn't sneak any alcohol tonight. he and Steph keep making bets on who can sweet talk the most bar staff members into serving them.

Dick: what's wrong with Tim getting a little tipsy? he's sixteen, man, you and i did way worse when we were younger than him. didn't you start drinking at like nine? we literally used to sneak bottles out of B's study to share when you were eleven and i was, like, nineteen.

Alfred: *silently raises eyebrow in the rear-view mirror* did you now?

Dick, holding up a finger in Alfred's direction: yes, i know, i was a horrible influence on him back then, we know; the statute of limitations has passed though, you can't do shit.

Alfred:

Jason, ignoring Alfred: it's different with Tim, you've never been around that kid when he's drunk. he's fucking- dude. genuinely, it's fucked up.

Dick, face scrunching in bemused incredulity: what the fuck- where's this coming from?!

Jason:

Dick:

Jason: ok i let him drink at my place ONCE.

Alfred, eyes on the road: of course you did.

Dick: *already laughing* oh no, what did he do?

Jason: well no- because here's the thing about Timothy fucking Drake, Dickie, here's the thing-

Dick: fucking- *hand clap* what, happened,

Jason: -THAT BOY, when under the influence, becomes a horrible mix of intelligence, being a complete bullshit conspiracy theorist, and self aware enough of his intelligence to the point of being far too confident in his conspiracies for a blackout drunk teenager. his drunk brain comes up with the bullshit, and then his egotism tells him that even though he's drunk, he's far to intelligent to possibly be wrong, and then his drunk brain throws his filter out the window and he just comes out with the worst sentences fucking imaginable.

*a beat*

Jason: SO.

Dick, shoulders shaking: what did he say?

Alfred: *silently pulling over and parking outside the gala*

Jason, not paying attention: it's the only time i've ever let him experiment with alcohol. my apartment, after patrol, no plans for the next day, and i'm like yeah, ok, we can get a little tipsy and chill with some TV, then sleep in tomorrow morning. that's what i did with you when i was little, it's like a big brother right of passage, right?

Dick, nodding: uh-huh,

Jason, looking Dick dead-on: this fucker downs the entire six-pack i had in the fridge, sits across from me at the kitchen table, stares silently for fifteen minutes, looks me dead in the eyes, and out of fucking nowhere he goes, 'Jason, you give off the vibes of somebody who got touched as a child.'

Dick, instantly covering his open mouth with his hand: *wheeze* FUCK OFF.

Alfred: boys.

Jason, intently: no, genu- word for fucking word, Dick. and i'm like, confused, right? and a little fucking scared? and also i haven't been drinking because i was 45% sure i had a concussion so i also had that going for me, and so i have no fucking clue what to say in the face of this-,

Dick: *high-pitched whimpers from behind his hand*

Jason: -and so what i eventually land on fucking saying in response is a very wary confused mumble of, '....thank... you...?',

Dick: *even harder wheeze*

Jason: -SO NOW HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M THE INSANE ONE IN THIS CONVERSATION, LIKE IT'S MY FAULT-,

Alfred, eyeing the press waiting for them outside: boys.

Dick, wetly: 'thank you',

Jason: -Tim proceeds to start listing off all the behaviours i exhibit that apparently make him think i got fucking touched, and i swear to god- i swear to god i will never forget this list, he said and i quote,

Dick: *still laughing*

Jason: he goes- he goes- *wheeze* he says 'you never eat oysters, which are known as a sex food, which indicates a fear of sex, which is common in childhood sexual abuse victims', and-

Dick: *laughs so loudly he starts choking and falls to the floor of the limo*

Dick, in between giggles: aren't- but aren't you- aren't you-

Jason: yes, Dick. the answer to your question is yes. i was across the table from this fucking moron, starting to get slightly dizzy from the concussion, just like 'hey, hey Timmy? my love? i'm allergic to fucking shellfish.'

Dick: *crying*

Jason, indignant: SECOND OF ALL, fear of sex?! bitch, i will call one of my old fuck buddies round here and crack him in front of you, i fucking swear,

Dick: oh my g- i'm gonna- i'm gonna wet myself-

Jason: FEAR OF SEX- child i spent my weekends before Ethiopia flirting with your MOTHER at charity fundraisers; you wanna talk about risks of childhood sexual abuse? then how are YOU doing because Janet didn't seem opposed to large age gaps-!

Alfred: *eyeing the press coming towards the car* *covers his eyes in disappointment* boys,

Dick: *genuinely not breathing* ho- hold on Alfie- *breaks down again*

Jason: -LIKE DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT SEX WHEN I'M THE ONE THAT SOBER YOU COMES TO FOR ADVICE ON THE SUBJECT--i swear to god i am one drunk conversation with that boy away from telling him that he should try putting chilli powder on his dick because it feels good, he trusts me and he is fucking playing with that trust.

Dick: i need to- i need to get Tim drunk- holy shit,

Jason: NOT WHILE I'M IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY YOU'RE NOT-

*abrupt flashes and yells as photographers take photos through the windows* *yells of paparazzi trying to get their attention*

Dick and Jason:

Jason: shit when'd we arrive?

Alfred, eyes still closed, exhausted: about ten minutes ago, Master Jason.

Dick, wiping tears away from his face and smoothing down his jacket hurriedly: why didn't you tell us?!

Alfred:

Dick: -no that- that misconception is what pisses me off the most.

Jason: RIGHT?!

Bruce: i will admit even i was confused when he said it.

Dick: -like, me and Jason did not spend that much effort on making shit the fuck up and then rabbit-holing until it seemed slightly plausible just for Tim of all people to swoop in and take our role.

Bruce: i didn't even know he meant Tim at first, either. Clark was just talking about conspiracy theories online and Oliver asked me 'oh your kid's really into conspiracy theories, right?' and i said 'yeah Dick and Jason used to be really obsessed', and he responded with 'no i meant the third one, Red Robin.' and my mind went blank. pass me that screwdriver, Damian. thanks.

Jason: such bullshit; everybody's forgetting our roots.

Damian: i thought Tim was the conspiracy theorist of the family? by the way, father, the cave is low on bandage rolls.

Jason: shit, is there enough for my leg? i got nicked by a knife just before we came back in.

Dick: there's some spare in the batmobile i think,

Jason: oh hell yeah- somebody smack Damian by the way, that was disrespectful as fuck.

*smacking noise*

Damian: *squawk* RICHARD-!

Dick: he's right, though, that was so disrespectful. Tim being the true conspiracy theorist? me and Jay used to live on those back in the day.

Damian: *amidst distant clacking* i think there's a difference between what Tim does and how stupid the two of you are when put in the same room unsupervised.

Jason: no- fuck off! *whining* Bruce, tell him!

Bruce: *sigh* sorry Damian, i do have to agree with your brothers. they were surprisingly crafty when they were younger.

Dick, incredulous: 'surprisingly crafty', we were geniuses,

Bruce: chum, i love you but i don't think a single thing you two came up with was correct. *strained grunt* ...ok, Jaylad try the engine?

Jason: yeah im turning the key, it's doing fuck-all. you really fucked it up this time huh?

Bruce: i need my tool kit, Damian can you go and grab-?

*metallic thud*

Bruce: ...thank you. but next time don't throw it.

Damian: i'm not walking all the way over there. you can tell me to type up the night's reports or you can tell me to help you fix the car; you can't tell me to do both.

Jason: *whistles* you know if i ever spoke to my dad like that, he'd hit me with a golf club.

Dick, bland: Jay, your dad was a criminal.

Jason: what, and B isn't? just because he's the commissioner's favourite criminal doesn't mean it isn't still illegal for him to physically assault people in the streets.

Bruce, offended: hey,

Jason: shut up.

Bruce, indignant: see- *hissing* and you wonder why he thinks it's ok to talk to me like that-!

Jason: -listen if you didn't establish dominance over your first two kids then them influencing the new ones is honestly on you. the point is, me and Dick were hardcore into theorising when i was Robin; Timmy-boy doesn't have shit on us.

Damian: were you two that bored back then? i thought the golden era was supposed to be 'more insane and cartoonish than anything we could imagine'?

Dick: to be fair, it was like... the only thing we could talk about without arguing.

Jason: yeahhhh, for the first two years at least we couldn't stand each other, but Alfred and B kept trying to make us hang out and be brothers.

Bruce: you two were nightmares. conspiracy theories were like that generation's version of cocomelon. you were at each other's throats 24/7, but if i sat you both down in front of that creepy pasta website and told you one of them was real and about a JLA member? you'd be happy for hours.

Damian: *snort* you're joking.

Dick: dude, we- *snicker* we would make a mystery out of anything. i remember once i had to come home for thanksgiving and we spent the entire holiday obsessing over the possibility of uncle Clark lying about being an alien because i saw him taking human-medication in the front hall.

Bruce: *slightly smug* yeah, those were mentos. i told him to eat them in a 'suspicious manner' so you two would behave while we had guests.

Jason: -I FUCKIN' KNEW IT!

Dick: unbelievable- this is why we have trust issues you asshole!

Bruce: I DON'T WANT- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT; YOU ONCE THREW THE TURKEY OUT THE WINDOW OVER A GAME OF GIN RUMMY.

*two seconds of silence*

Dick: that's actually-

Jason: yeah ok-

Dick: -i'd lie too.

Jason: -were a handful, sure.

Bruce: thank you.

Damian: you actually thought that being from Krypton was something Superman would feel the need to lie about?

Dick: hey, it wasn't nearly as buck-wild as some of the theories Jason came up with.

Jason: hey- hey, my conspiracy theories were, and always will be, fuckin' smart. may i remind you i predicted the court of owls being involved with haley's circus YEARS before that whole thing went down.

Dick: oh- fuck off, Jason. you didn't predict shit-

Jason, yelling over him: i said- I SAID, THAT THERE WAS A BIRD CULT,

Dick: -YOU SAID HAD NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE COURT OF OWLS-,

Jason: -OWL IN THE NAME,

Dick: -YOU THOUGHT MY PARENTS WERE BIOLOGICAL BIRD MUTANTS, TWATPOLE-

Jason: -AN OWL IS A BIRD-

Dick: -ITS A POLITIAL GROUP NOT A DAMN-

Jason: -HAS WINGS, HAS BEAK, LAYS EGGS,

Dick: YOU STUPID FUCKING-

Damian:

*complete and utter silence*

*more silence*

Jason, carefully: Damian, i want you to know that although scientifically that was funny, if you come within fifteen feet of me during the next twenty-four hours i will throw you into Gotham harbour by your balls.

Dick: -my ears are bleeding and you are no longer my brother.

Bruce, exhausted: Damian, step away from the batcomputer before you get yourself hurt. please. and stop using it to play music clips through the cave speakers.

Damian: well somebody needed to break them up and you said cocomelon-

Bruce: NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT- just go take off your suit. just- just- for once. for once, Damian. for once. listen to your father.

Damian: ...i will, but only because you seem to be on the verge of tears.

ten year old Tim Drake who already knew who Batman and Robin were, finding out he now has a secret tunnel in his garden connecting his house to their lair, and he’s just like ‘fuck yeah that’s cool.’ and starts exploring.

thirteen year old Jason Todd bored and fucking around alone in the batcave system when he comes across a fucking ten year old who knows his identity, clearly idolises the hell out of him, and is just kinda wandering around the cave system alone and completely chill about it. they see a super dangerous spider and Tim just starts info-dumping on the species. when asked if he has a curfew to go back home by he goes ‘uh, July i guess? that’s when mom and dad get back.’ it is early February.

thirteen year old Jason Todd who takes a minute and then goes ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

Jason Todd and Tim Drake being secret cave buddies. Jason Todd and Tim Drake hanging out in the tunnels and making fun of Batman and Nightwing from the shadows. Tim Drake who has to buy a whole new set of night-vision camera lenses for his new photo album that’s just photos and selfies of him and his new best friend Robin fucking around in the underground pitch-dark.

Jason Todd who dies, gets revived, is told by Talia that Tim Drake has ‘replaced him’ unknowing they’re already friends, and Jason who all he can think of is that time they played hide and seek in the cave system and Tim clung to the fucking ceiling via a stalactite for 45 minutes straight. Jason Todd who just looks at Talia and goes ‘yeah sounds about right for him.’

Jason Todd being told he has to deliver Damian to Bruce and he decides ‘absolutely the fuck not’ to the idea of even touching the front door. they have a Ring camera he is not getting caught on that bullshit.

Jason Todd who just goes to Drake Manor and uses Tim’s old entrance to get into the tunnels, his home away from home, dragging Damian along, until he gets to a spot where he can secretly signal into the batcave for Tim to sneak the fuck away.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who gets called into the tunnels to find the Red Hood, unmasked as Jason, presenting to him a random child which he declares to be the son of Batman.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who comes full circle and says ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

the cave boys are reunited. a third is added to the club. a new photo album is filled. when Tim brings Damian up through the tunnels into the cave he looks Bruce dead in the eyes and says fully straight-faced ‘this is your cave son. i found him wandering, he was born from the shadows of the bat.’

eleven year old Damian Al Ghul-Wayne who’s spent the past three and a half years under Jason Todd’s influence and sombrely declares ‘the cave birthed me for you, father. i am darkness. i am your child.’

“I prefer here because the training facilities in the cave are much smaller,” they hear Damian tell him. “At the compound we had acres of land dedicated to each trainable craft; not to mention the inner halls under the mountain.”

“I mean at least growing up there gave you diverse surroundings?” Jason points out. Damian looks up from his katana with narrowed eyes, squinting over at him.

“Diverse? Jason the only diverse thing about my childhood was you; you were the only white man for fucking miles. For two years straight I thought you were an albino like Uncle Dusan until mother pulled me aside and told me I had to stop acting like you being American was a birth defect.”

Tim: -did not enjoy it, like at all. shitty party.

Dick: that's why i didn't go! i don't care if he lives in some mystical underwater kingdom; that doesn't mean Aquaman knows how to throw a decent rager.

Jason: what was the party even for, again?

Tim: *straining sounds* man this door will not budge-- uh, i think it was the anniversary of the first assembly of the Justice League.

Jason: oh; ugh. yeah i wouldn'a gone either.

Dick: by the way, Red, your tracker says you're not even at the shipping container you're meant to be searching. what door are you opening?

Tim, confused: what? you said it was the seventh one down, right?

Dick: no man, eleventh. you gotta keep going.

Tim: w- *exasperated huff* i've been at this one for the past fifteen minutes and you didn't say?!

Dick: i didn't realise you were trying to open it!

Tim: *groan* *annoyed scuff of boots* man you are fucking- you suck at playing Oracle. there's fucking two of you and you're still shitter than O on her own.

Jason: in my defence i take the term 'playing Oracle' very loosely. i dunno what Dick's been doing, but i haven't looked at the batcomputer once since i came down here. i'm just here to hang out and play Pokémon on Damian's switch.

Dick: yeah- isn't he gonna be super pissed that you're messing with his save file while he's on patrol?

Jason: nah, 's a fight he can't get past. told me to beat it for 'im.

Dick, fond: aww, i used to do that with Mario levels and B!

Tim: Hood, you aren't even injured. i get Wing playing Oracle, but the fuck're you staying at the manor for?

Jason: unlike you people i understand the concept of giving myself a break every now and then. it's self care to stay behind sometimes,

Tim, flat: ok you literally kill people on a weekly basis, how can you think you have the authority on mental health here?

Jason, wisely: if the only case against me you have is the simple fact that i take human life, then you have no case at all.

Tim: ...i cannot believe that that is an actual sentence you just said.

Dick: *snort*

Tim: ...ok is this the container?

Dick: uhhh- hold on let me tab back in i was on etsy-

Jason: *snicker*

Dick: yeah you good. you know i've been to a couple parties to do with the JL, and i gotta say they always disappoint.

Tim: right?! like, for a group of superheroes you guys are fucking boring. where's the magic 'n shit cause i know you have access to it.

Jason: oh yeah, being in this business is way less magical than it seems.

Tim: i was honestly so disappointed when i realised that; like i had a bucket list.

Dick, laughing lightly: you had a bucket list?

Tim: a bucket list, which i kept in my phone calendar-

Jason: *abrupt laugh* that's such a shit place to keep one!

Tim: yeah man- after i got knighted as Robin i picked a date like a year later, and I had a list of cool magic shit i wanted to experience before that date. let me tell you--didn't get to do shit.

Jason, snickering: *a drawl* yeeeeeah, Gotham in the post-golden era? that's gotta be disappointing.

Tim: closest i got to was when i got to do the cool time travel scavenger hunt after B got lost. and even then, i didn't get to do half of the cool things i wanted to do. i wanted indiana jones type shit, and all i got was fucking--criminal minds, or something. there is so much cocaine in this shipping container, by the way.

Jason, absent: shoulda' taken some of that to Aquaman's party.

Dick: *snort* yeah i remember having things like that. my favourite moment of being Robin was the first time that i got to put a bunch of pins in a map and then wind red string around them to map out a path and lead us to a final location. that shit felt like heroin.

Jason: *gasp* oh yeahhhhh! i remember when i was Robin and B didn't use paper shit any more, so the first time i got to do that was when i worked a case with you, and it made my fucking year i swear to god. wasn't even ruined by the fact that you hated me at the time, i was just so excited.

Dick: *fond hum*

Tim, audibly bitter: yeah well i'm real happy for you two. you know what i got when i became Robin? an ipad and a fucking shared google document.

Dick and Jason: *burst into laughter*

Jason, through tears: man i forgot about B's google doc phase-!

Tim, still annoyed: yeah, well there was a lot i wanted to do that i never got to do. i never got to uncover a hidden underground treasure room, i never got to flick through an ancient tomb with a thick leather cover until i find the right page and slam it open onto a table while going 'here!',

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: -i never got to discover a secret map drawn in invisible ink,

Dick, still laughing: ok you just wanted to do a national treasure-

Tim: i wanted to find an ancient magical staff and hold it up in a beam of light. instead what do i get? shipping containers of cocaine and being kidnapped by a schizophrenic where i have to stay tied up in his basement for a week and a half while i wait for Batman and Robin to track me down like a lost dog.

Jason: *still wheezing* aw man, did the- *another wheeze*

Dick: Jason's crying,

Jason: *high pitched* did the schizophrenic at least have a staff?

Tim, indignant: well he had a staff infection,

Jason and Dick: *collapse into more loud laughter*

*Bruce, Jason and Dick in the study, hours after Damian and Tim have gone to bed, Alfred is reading in an armchair while they drink*

Bruce, slugging a glass of whiskey: -his teacher told me that he bit the school's guidance counsellor. like... *mystified* what am i supposed to do with that information?

Jason and Dick: *both tipsy, falling over each other as they quietly laugh on the couch, drinks in hand*

Bruce, clearly also intoxicated: what does she expect me to do? get him a muzzle? it's Damian. just tell the counsellor not to piss him off!

Jason, drinking from a beer bottle: is- is he the hardest child you've had to raise?

Bruce: noooo, not even close. y'know, Tim tried to build a sonic death-ray in his bedroom a couple years ago,

Dick: *wheezing, nodding, while Jason's jaw drops*

Jason: seriously?!

Bruce, drunkenly humming: yeah, he- he was trying to add extra security to the manor after he became Robin? i think?

Dick: it didn't work though, only set fire to the curtains.

Bruce: mm. smart kid, but... boy is he weird. it's a wonder that he has friends honestly... i worry about him.

Dick: *nodding in agreement*

Jason, sighing: he'll grow out of it- they both will. coupla' years from now you'll be able to drink with them of an evening, y'know?

Dick, snickering: and B'll probably be complaining about the two new kids he's adopted.

Dick and Jason: *collapse into drunken giggles, Dick almost sliding off the couch and Jason slapping the arm, trying not to spit out his beer*

Bruce: *watching them, slowly letting a smile loose until the giggles infect him and he bursts into laughter with them*

Alfred:

Alfred: *slowly lowers his book, eyeing in judgement the three grown men drunkenly giggling together in front of him*

Alfred: do you three need me to cut you off?

Bruce, dramatic: boooo,

Jason: *draining his bottle* yeah, boo Alfie-!

Dick, whining: c'mon, it's family bonding with the older onessss!

Alfred:

Dick: Yesterday you threw a chair at Bruce.

Jason tries his best. he gets... supremely lucky in the fact that Damian actually likes him and wants to keep him around. he knows this, because he's heard the horror stories about all of Damian's previous handlers. he tries, and by fucking hell he is good at his job. not amazing, because Damian is still a monster, but he is WAY better than anybody that came before him. Talia and Ra's are just... so relieved they found somebody Damian likes enough to not immediately ditch.

Jason is the world's best babysitter. he knows all the tricks, all the bribes, has all the instincts and the eyes-in-the-back-of-his-head that are needed to make sure Damian can't sneak off to act on every idiotic impulse he has. by the time they get to Gotham he is fucking EXHAUSTED. he's so overwhelmed by the job of keeping Damian in line that by the time they get to Wayne Manor he... cannot bring himself to give a single shit about his beef with Bruce or hiding his identity. he knocks on the front door and when Bruce answers and bluescreens Jason just watches Damian barge in to rush around the house like an excited puppy, and he sighs.

"Ok, you take him for like 3 hours." He tells Bruce, who genuinely has no fucking idea what is going on. "I'm gonna take a nap on your couch."

"What."

There's a crash from upstairs.

"You might want to keep a closer eye on your son, B. He likes jumping off things to see if you can catch him in time."

batman will provide a list of rules for the JLA any time they need to work in gotham and the JL will just look between the rules and the group of kids hanging out behind batman like. hold on now.

flash: no metas?

batman: yup.

flash: who’s that then?

batman: that’s signal, he can glow and he’s lovely, now take his fucking name out your mouth.

flash: …

~

superman: and you said no guns?

batman: yeah absolutely no guns allowed.

dick: *from upstairs* dAAAAAAD I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE AND GUN?

batman: *yelling back* I THINK YOU LEFT THEM IN THE OFFICE.

dick: OH YEAH, THANKS.

batman: NO PROBLEM SWEETIE HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK!

superman: hm.

batman: he’s different.

superman: how?

batman: i love him.

~

wonder woman: you are against taking human life, are you not?

batman: absolutely and that is non-negotiable. we are not judge jury and executioner.

wonder woman: i see. turn around.

*jason and tim two rooftops over, arguing how best to dispose of the loa assassin corpses they just took down*

batman:

batman: i dont see a problem here. those are my sweet boys.

jason, distantly heard from behind: yeah fuck you we’re his sweet boys.

wonder woman: *sighs*

~

batman: honestly the most important thing is that we serve justice and keep morality intact even when dealing with the toughest cases.

green lantern: damian has a secret prison under the titans tower where he’s been torturing their villains rather than trying to reform them.

batman: he’s so cute and small. my baby.

green lantern: bruce-

like, aren't there psychological studies claiming that twins are more likely to have delays in language development because they become so in tune with each other that they don't need to learn how to speak as quickly? can you imagine that with Damian and Jason. Jason whose communication development was put back to square one after the pit, and Damian who was only just starting to get the hang of it anyway. those two become close and suddenly they're learning how to communicate together--and it causes fucking chaos within the league.

i want them to be able to communicate fluently with each other before anybody else can understand a single word they're saying. they have their own weird half-grunt-half-gesture-half-body-language thing going on and i bet you the rest of the league is so tired of having to deal with this bullshit.

Jason is still like. actively being used as one of Talia's top assassins/guards, is the thing. somehow despite the fact that fucking verbal language is escaping his post-lazarus mind, he's still a beast with a sword. or a gun. or anything, really, to the point where Ra's is specifically requesting Jason as a personal guard during particularly risky situations. so like. they kind of need to be able to talk to him. it gives Talia a migraine every. time.

Talia: Jason. you are needed. Jason, intently watching three year old Damian draw in the sand with a stick: *looks up at her cluelessly* Talia: Talia, internally sighing: Jason. you have to *gestures* come. Damian: *glances up and blinks* Talia, speaking slowly and clearly: Damian, tell Jason that he has g-u-a-r-d d-u-t-y. understand? g-u-a-r-d. Damian: *looks at Jason* Jason: *looks back* Talia, under her breath: finally, Damian: *jerks shoulder and clicks tongue* Jason: *grunts back and stands up* Talia: yes, now lets- Jason: *hands Talia his sword and sits back down* Talia: Talia: what. Damian: you want sword. Talia: NO!? ~ Ra's: grandson, how are your lessons going? Damian: *wiggles his fingers and whines slightly* Ra's: Jason, in the corner: *claps his hands, congratulatory* Damian: *preens* Ra's: Damian's tutor: ...he is doing well. Ra's: *sighs*

I think even after they both learn how to speak normally they still have their weird little baby-twin language. it's like their mother tongue, what they default to whenever they aren't paying attention. whenever Jason gets genuinely pissed off he starts speaking in this weird mix of grunts and clicks and Damian's the only person that understands. after Jason's assigned his own team of subordinates at the league it becomes a regular occurrence that one of the guys will barge into the room while Damian's training and demand that he go with them. Damian has to stop mid-kata and follow some random assassin into Jason's meeting room because he's been yelling at his squad for the better part of an hour and they can't for the life of them figure out what they did wrong. Damian walks in, listens to the incomprehensible mix of jerks and noises for four seconds, states plainly 'he found out one of you fell in a koi pond during a stealth mission and killed three fish.' and then leaves instantly.

it keeps happening, too. even in Gotham, the language just never stops being an instinctual fall-back for the two. if Damian is woken up while half asleep by Tim or Dick, for the first two minutes or so he will be completely incomprehensible because his brain hasn't kicked into gear and he's speaking the language that comes most naturally to him. there's an occasion where Damian forgets the English word for some inane thing while talking to Tim and he just. cannot fucking remember what it's called. ends up instinctively reverting back to what it would have been if he were talking to Jason which is a weird hum/grunt, and Tim looks at him like he's insane. Damian can NOT remember this word in English, and Tim can NOT understand what Damian's saying and it's driving them crazy. they're still arguing about it on patrol three days later when Red Hood comes across them and he hears

Tim: -I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS! Damian: that's not my problem!! i'm speaking very clearly!! Tim: THAT'S NOT A WORD. Damian: YES IT IS. Dick: how are you two still on this??? Damian: IT'S A *grunt-hum*. I CANNOT SAY IT ANY PLAINER. Tim: WHAT THE FUCK. Jason: *drops in* what's up? Tim: ROBIN'S FUCKING- I DON'T EVEN KNOW BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM. *to Damian* say it again, fucking show Hood. Damian: *grunt-hum*. Jason, without blinking: pogo-stick. Damian: SEE. Tim, genuinely about to loose his shit: FUCKING WHAT.

Dick notices that Damian's morning training routine is exactly the same as Jason's. he assumes Damian picked it up from Jason. "...no," Jason tells him, slightly embarrassed. "he just refused to change schedules and it was easier for us to do it together in the league."

Tim catches Jason reorganising one of the manor's bookshelves into alphabetical order and when he asks why Jason just absently goes "oh, Damian always does this, he doesn't like it the wrong way round."

"...Damian isn't here right now...?" and Jason freezes like he's questioning his entire life. funniest occasion was when Steph tagged along on a grocery shop Jason was going on for his own apartment and she got confused when she noticed everything Jason was picking out was vegetarian.

"Since when did you go veggie?"

and Jason looks at her all confused, snorting like "what are you talking about?" and then he glances at all the stuff in his basket and he just stills. smile slowly drops. he throws the tofu burgers he'd just picked up directly into the side of the wall and storms out the store angrily yelling about how 'that fucking brat has fucking brainwashed him and it's fucking bullshit-'

*two connecting pings*

Damian: sorry in advance akhi-

Tim, yelling over him: -OK FUCK THIS, i call bullshit on the Red Hood. he's a fucking hypocrite.

*a beat*

Dick: *confused chuckle* what?

Jason, lost: fuck i do?

Tim: he- HE, he has spent his entire time here in Gotham campaigning to stop kids from being able to access recreational drugs. IT'S HIS WHOLE THING.

Dick: ...yeah?

Tim: AND NOW--NOW, ROBIN TELLS ME THAT HOOD GAVE HIM WEED LAST WEEK.

*a beat*

Jason: *snorts* that's what this is about?

Dick: wait, you let Damian smoke?

Jason: yeah i let him try a joint in my apartment. i figured he's gettin' to that rebellious age, you know? and i'd rather he do it in the house n' all that,

Damian: it really was not that big a deal. he just showed me how to smoke it and then put on a dinosaur documentary.

Dick: ...huh. cool.

Tim: ...WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Jason, laughing: why are you so pissed about this?

Tim: ?! BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD ME BLACKLISTED FROM EVERY FUCKING DEALER IN GOTHAM! HOW COME ROBIN CAN SMOKE BUT I CAN'T?

Jason: ...dude i just didn't want you to have access to the harder shit. if you just want weed i can give you weed, i don’t care.

Tim: *disbelieving laugh* *sarcastic* oh- oh yeah, you'll let me have weed, will you?

*a beat*

Jason: ...yeah? i'm by Gotham Theatre right now, i got some on me. you can drop by and have it if you want?

Tim: *pauses* ...wait seriously?

Dick: *snort*

Jason, confused: yeah?

*a beat*

Tim, meekly: ok on my way thank you,

Damian: this is sad to watch.

*fast forwarding audio*

*burst of static*

Dick: *yelp* *metal thud* ...well that was close. you get that other robber?

Jason, breathing heavily: yeah, we're good.

Dick, also heaving: ok, nice.

*six seconds of silence*

Dick: you know i can't believe you folded that quickly with Tim.

*background noise of rubble crumbling, stones crashing*

Tim: *gasping for air* i... cannot believe that worked.

Jason, distantly: i can't fuckin' believe that thing one-shot my ear and somehow only managed to hit the com piece. how fucking useless of a robot do you have to be to make such a neat shot at such a shit time?

Damian: *cough* i fucking- i am going to kill. all. robots.

Tim: dude you are... really mad at this thing.

Damian, seething: it hit me with a fucking stop sign.

Jason, distantly: *cackles* aw man, yeah i saw that you went flying,

Damian: it isn't too late to lift that things shut-down body and plant you underneath before letting it drop, Jason.

Jason, distantly: mememememe~

Tim, groaning: can we like, re-set my shoulder before we start fighting? there's no way i can swing like this. also where the fuck is Nightwing?

Jason, distantly: he should be fine, i saw him right before the thing dropped taking out the last of the human guys.

Dick: yeah yeah i'm... i'm fine i'm on the other side of the robot thing. i'm just googlin' somthin. hold on.

Tim: the fuckre'- ow that hurts- Robin-

Damian: do you want this to be left untreated?

Tim: *groans* just be quick. fuckre' you googling Nightwing?

Dick, absently: mmm. the minimum legal age for marriage in Pakistan.

Tim: ...what- *faint snap* AUGH-

Damian: there. back in place.

Tim: YOU FUCKING CUCK YOU DIDN'T EVEN WARN ME.

Damian: well doing that would be kind, and i am not kind to those that laugh when i get hit by stop signs.

Tim: THAT WAS FUCKING HIM,

Jason, distantly: don't you fucking point at me. don't you point at me with your One Good Arm. how dare you.

Tim: shut up Jason,

Jason, distantly: i can't hear the coms by the way, is Dickie alive or not?

Tim: *strained grunt* oh- right, yeah, he answered. he was googling- Dick what the fuck are you googling marriage laws in Pakistan for?

Jason, distantly: *casual* oh he's still on that huh?

Dick: bECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SINCE BEFORE THAT ROBOT EVEN SHOWED UP AND JASON- one of you tell Jason his marriage is fucking ILLEGAL because he was UNDER EIGHTEEN WHEN IT HAPPENED.

Tim: ...sorry his what is what now?

Damian: oh, is this about Shaman Fahima? he was underage but i don't think laws really apply where we were. and Fahima was pretty on board with the idea of the marriage's purpose only being to frustrate Grandfather. she was more like an old kindly auntie than a sister-in-law.

Jason, distantly: oh is he on about the age of consent over there? we didn't fuck we just held hands in front of Ra's for a while.

Tim: WHAT are you TALKING ABOUT?

Dick: JASON MARRIED A FAKE WITCH IN THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS AND DIDN'T TELL ANY OF US.

Tim: *abrupt coughs* exCUSE ME?!

Jason, distantly: what? what- Day why's he lookin' at me like that?

Damian: it's not that big a deal. there was a neighbouring tribe whose leader was a self proclaimed shaman that seemed to unsettle Grandfather. since this is the only person we'd ever seen manage to intimidate him before, naturally, the next occasion Jason wanted to piss him off, he went to her.

Jason, distantly: stop looking at me like that. it was funny.

Dick: why was marriage what he settled on?!

Damian: he's asking why you went for marriage.

Jason, distantly: oh. i dunno... her sister was ordained in their culture and she was right there, and there was a big banquet with all the tribes including the loa the weekend after. i thought sitting at the head table with Fahima would piss Ra's off the most. also i think it legally made me a king or something, which was cool.

Damian: your wife was remarkably good-natured about the whole thing.

Jason, distantly: yeah she's fuckin' fun. taught me how to butcher a snake.

Tim, slightly indignant: oh, well in that case she's a fucking keeper then isn't she?

Dick: why the fuck has this not come up before?!

Damian: in akhi's defence, it was only really relevant for the month or so after it happened; then we all mostly forgot about it. i'm fairly sure Jason and her only exchange messages once or twice a year if there's something they need to discuss regarding the league.

Jason, distantly: also she sent me an anniversary goat once. to this day i don't know how she managed to ship it to Gotham. she's chill though. i call her Nana Fahima.

Tim, lost: she's your legal wife?

Jason, distantly: yeah but emotionally she's my Nana Fahima.

Tim, solemnly: what the fuck is wrong with you.

Dick: i am so telling on you to Bruce when he gets back to earth.

*a beat*

Damian: he says he's snitching on you to Father once he comes back to earth.

Jason, distantly: good, i can freak him out too. what does he think i am, a coward?

Dick: for the love of- WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT FUCKING DESERT?!?