séduire mon âme

Ive been up for 2 days doing blow and I ruined another Christmas with my drinking. My mental health is at such a low and I can’t allow myself to sink. My whole world has shattered and I’ve never felt so insignificant. I’m really exhausted of ending up in the same situations and resorting to the same coping mechanisms. I’m done with alcohol and cocaine, I’m done with the amount of time it has robbed me. I’m done feeling like this.

Nothing feels safe anymore and the areas where I found success seem to have turned on me. My confidence and self worth have plummeted and I feel like nothing. I’m at such a low in life.

I’m done

I’m practicing self love, he’s being selfish

I’m healing, it hurts so much right now but I haven’t allowed myself to grieve

Life is getting better, that’s why it hurts, I’m angry

Peace and content are close

Summer is a time of rebirth,

New leafs bud, flowers bloom, the sun shines and revives society

For me, it’s a cruel reminder of how connected I am to the earth and my trauma

Being raped, my father abandoning me, dark drug fueled nights filled all my summers

I’m done with that, but now I need to face it

With rebirth of the earth, comes with rebirth of my soul

Resilience is powerful and I’m resilient

I love summer, I love it more that it’s here while I conquer demons

I try so hard to be positive, to try and be kind to myself but I fucking hate myself. I feel like a prisoner. Why…. What did I do? I FEEL HIDEOUS

I’m going insane inside, I’m fucking defeated, I’m soooooo depressed if I stop and feel for a second. I mourn for my old self, I’m so heartbroken for what I am now. I’m so lost, I’m so tired and I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m struggling so much, I feel like a spec, a floating particle that’s invisible. I feel absolute and used. I’ve given so much to be completely discarded. I’m trying to hard to heal, I’m trying so hard but it feels like life is against me. I’m in a sinking hole and it’s suffocating me. I can’t stand myself. I used to love dancing in front of the mirror, I used to love taking photos of myself, I hate myself now. The amount of abuse I’ve suffered from my life and now my physical appearance is being taken away… I want to disappear. Not die, just simply never exist. I’m so exhausted

I’m so hopeless right now.., I put on a brave face but I’m dead inside. I hate my life right now, I hate the person I’ve become. I’m trying so hard to change and grow.

Of course my dad tried to enter my life again asking for my forgiveness… like the amount of abandonment I’ve felt with various people… like stop world…

Why do people do this to me??? Have I not given enough!? Have you not taken enough? Why does someone who is supposed to love me do this to me???? Goooodddddd……

The absolute betrayal I’m feeling, the people in my life who are slowly showing their true colours. I’m so exhausted. My breast implants are ruining my life. I hate how empty of a shell I am compared to before.

I want to cry, I hate myself so much. I’m so lost right now.

The resurfacing of childhood sexual abuse, noticing all the triggers, being absolutely betrayed by someone who’s supposed to love you? I feel so tossed away, I feel so emotionally abused. This man was consistently making me feel like I was unsafe, I took to much space, gaslight me into making me insecure.

I’m exhausted of men. I’m so tired of being hurt by them. I have nothing to give anymore, I can’t even give myself right now. I’m just spiralling, I’ve been doing so much coke. I’ve been drinking so much. I can’t taking care of myself.