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@fleurcense
when the world of letters become too difficult for the lips to utter, it pours the letters away under the form of sea of words, hoping for the wind to scatter it away aimlessly, for her, who wishes to be heard. May you find solace in the pieces that i’ve curated.
—
sofea xx.
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“Words should express just what one wants to say. Do they betray us?”
“Yes but we do betray them too. One should be able to express oneself. We manage to write things quite well. It’s extraordinary that someone like Plato can still be understood. People really do understand him. He wrote in Greek 2500 years ago, no one really knows that language, not exactly. Yet something goes through. So we should be able to express ourselves. We have to”
“Why do we have to? To understand each other?”
“We must think, and for thought we need words. There’s no other way to think. To communicate, one must speak. That’s our life.”
please do not blaze random personal posts. we don't care
Oh, i didn’t know we have a requirement to make a post here! If it’s not your cup of tea, just don’t drink it, no? 🤗🤗
1) What's your favorite time of the year? And where do you wanna be when this time starts to begin.?
♡☆
Hello! I don’t think I have any specific time actually! I’d say autumn season but the country i’m in has no autumn 🙂↔️☝🏻. Generally speaking, no, I don’t have any specific time that i’m fond of. So i cannot answer you second question. Thank you for asking though! ❤️
In another life, i just want to own a house by the beach, surrounded by trees and a messy backyard yet it isn’t an eyesore but brings a sense of comfort to those who see. When night comes, i’ll lay down on my foldable bed with a night lamp next to me and a book in my hand. I’ll read and read until i feel sick of the words, nauseous from the constant repetitive eye movement, line after line. I’ll write down the passages that struck me the most in my 1 dollar worn out notebook and rip the page off to stick it on the wall—whether i’ll read it in the future, i’ll never know but having these pages, these lines that carry symbolic meanings to me—having these pages on the wall will somehow, i hope, evoke a sense of understanding by no one to me.
Perhaps, when i feel overwhelmed by humans or troubling episodes, i’ll come back to this tiny room and look aimlessly at the wall, to these pages, and think to myself, “this is fine, i’m not alone. I’m doing great, nobody has to know but these pages know and that’s fine too. I’m seen by the unseen, that’s alright too.”
I think too much from time to time so i wonder what it feels like to look at the sky every day and think of nobody, no problems, no pending emotions waiting to feel validated. I’m a grown adult physically but mentally i’m still the 16 years old girl sitting inside a toilet cubicle with a razor on her pocket waiting to be used—the same girl who’s terrified of being abandoned for not treating everyone the same, for not caring enough, not giving enough, not loving enough. The truth is, i don’t think i’ve been an adult at all. But, of course, nobody owed me anything. So i’m just a victim of my own problem that i have yet to find a solution.
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Lost / fading candle / haunted hallway / lost touch / pulled to the sea / quiet tunnel / house of lingering emotions / death of friendship / hanging tree / stranger facade / mask of masks / dishonesty / losing trust / end game / war in silence / deepest agony / regret
You wounded me in ways i never thought you could. I have yet to receive the apology that i deserve. For all of the things i never did but i apologised regardless, just so you could feel better. The times when i tossed my pride and dignity aside by taking responsibilities in order to make things better for you, even though i was drowning as well but you hardly noticed it. Oh my my…what a tragic story this is. I would rather die than suffer from this terrible changes.
What do you say when a friendship gradually turns sour? What do you call it when one does not seem to make an effort to keep the ship afloat? Am i a mere bus stop for you to come and go as you please? Why is it the more we know someone, the further they are to reach? I may look better, feel better, but i am a wounded soul too! But i said none of it when i was in your presence, for i refused to make you feel unneeded.
Where are you now? Is it so difficult for you to care for me the way i used to care for you? You must have thought i am doing well, that is why i am comforting you. Ah! Funny! I must laugh! I am not well! I have not remembered the last time i had a good, proper sleep! I am forced to think i am doing well because you hardly ask me about my well-being!
I wish to be cared for! Everything i have done for you is sincere, never once i felt compelled to do it out of force. I am not asking for a friendship where i constantly receive expensive gifts, no! All i ask is for a friendship where i do not have to beg to feel loved! Why is it so difficult for you to read me when i can understand you like an open book! It is not fair, how is this a fair game! How!
I know the way you behave when things get uncomfortable, i know the exact words you would utter when you feel angry or sad, i know your body language like it is carved in my brain and memory. Why is it so easy for me to care for you but so hard for you to do the same?
I am tired. I cannot keep you near if you wish to swim further. Go on, swim. I will not chase. I am tired of having to beg for people to stay, i am tired of having to invalidate my emotions to ease the mood, i am tired of being the therapist that i never wanted to be.
I might as well take a rope and create my own death. I doubt you would even care to know why. You would visit my funeral and drop a tear one or two, and continue with your day as usual, without me. Did i ever stay in your mind? Perhaps none. How disappointing this whole thing is. Perhaps you think i am being dramatic. Well there is truth in that too. What can i do when this is how i have been feeling towards this ill friendship that we have? How disappointing.
So many things buried down in this tiny little vessel of mine. A number of anger slowly increasing itself day by day. I have made you my priority since the day God gifted you to me. I denied all of my emotions and needed just so I could shower you with the attention and care that you deserved. Yet, and yet! It feels like a futile effort, now that you are drifting away. You wounded me in so many ways, unspeakable things that I would have never done to you. Was i ever important in your life, i shall not know.
Now you are living in a completely different life i which i am not in it. How easy it is for you to throw me away solely because you deem i am better off without you? Now that you are comfortable with the uncomfortable, you are shoving me aside? Do you not owe me? All that time i have spent caring for you, loving you—what did i get in return? None! None! None! It is not fair. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Why do i have to beg to be cared and loved when it was so easy for me to do it for you?
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I can feel my life fading away like a street lamp running out of oil…ah…what a time to be dead! Everyone seems to have no complications in moving forward, I am shameful. I am a disgrace to the mankind! Perhaps my existence is a mere example used by the society to teach the young children—“This is what you will be if you do not succeed in life!” Oh how shameful my life is! Dostoyevsky was right! I am sick man. My whole being is made out of garbage thrown by the people around me. My house is built on anxiety and constant depression. I cannot speak in the presence of others! I am terrified of confrontation. I do not know how to scream for help for I was never taught of it—in fact, i was taught that I was the problem all along! My rights to complain and seek a hand were denied since birth. My existence is not hoped but loathed. Oh…oh….oh please take me away. I do not wish to be here. I am ashamed of myself! Please do not look at me, look away, stay away!
The more i try to make peace with the ashes, the more they burn on my skin. Please tell me i am not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel?
I am a certainty, not a probability. Do not blame god for creating such timing for us both. It is not the time that is wrong, it is you who refuse to change for the better and rather succumb to the worldly’s temptations and desires. You chase the world so eagerly that you abandon the answers given by God.
I took an oath, to bend my morals so i could make you accept me. I was a fool. How fool of me to beg to someone who does not want to hear, to read, and to listen? I will not be a statue in a museum and wait for you to finally have the revelation to walk in and embrace the solitude beauty. You do not deserve an ounce of my love with the way you are now.
What a fool you are — to lose a soul who prayed to God every night for your safety. Where your name is not a foreign being to the heaven. Perhaps the people in it might have just cried upon listening to my agony love confessions!
The month is changing and i shall too. It is not my loss and it shall never be. I am simply an idealist. It is not my fault that you choose to stay in the dirt when i have offered you a solution to purify yourself.
My final act of love is leaving you alone and my final act of revenge is leaving you with my presence. You will walk around and see me in the eyes of everyone that you look. You will walk so quickly and suddenly find yourself adjusting the pace because you remember that i am used to walking slowly. You will call my name endlessly, only to receive echoes and if you listen thoroughly, the heaven will laugh at you for hoping that i would respond.
I have learnt how to speak for ages, for as long as i breathe and live. Yet, i become mute the moment i think of you. For i wish to say everything that is buried under the ground, left unspoken because you have me on silent at all times, refusing to hear me speak. Uncountable numbers of things i wish to say to the point my mind is unable to adapt to the rapid thoughts flowing here and there like a glass of water being spilled, so i end up saying nothing at all.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
We used to have a proper conversation — your voice echoed with mine, your heart intertwined with my heart, drowned in each other’s longing gaze. But now, i am in disbelief. Our voices are strangers in each other’s ears — my sense of hearing has become an abandoned cave with spider’s webs filling in the space. Through music is the only way of us communicating, we speak and respond through the lyrics that we read, hoping the other will understand.
I loathe you with every energy that my body can provide. I loathe you for making me look like a damn fool! Begging on my knees to feel the very bare minimum of receiving love. What a blind man you are, what a totally blind man you are! How can you not see and fathom the beauty of a soul standing in front of your door? Is being a slave to the world’s temptation worth more than being a lover to the god’s answer? My goodness, you are a fool. I am perhaps the only one who is able to turn a blind eye on every dirt you have on you. I do not wish to be in your past, all i ask is for you to let me be in your present and future! Tell me foolish boy, is this such a great favour that you cannot give? My, oh my.
You speak of love like you are the master of it, yet when the love shows itself to you, you neglect it like a plant that dies after the owner refuses to take care of it! Remember, “You will look into the faces of the passerby, hoping for something that will, for instant, bring me back to you.” For i am only one, and no other. If the devil could laugh, you would have heard him laughing from the pits of hell. For you who succumbs into his temptations, when he knows what a fool you are for letting go of such a great gift, gift that comes from the hands of god, created carefully by the heaven, a heart made of flowers, planted by the loves that it receives constantly.
You are a fool. And you shall remain a fool for as long as you remember me.
Sofea.