SORCERER

how'd you do that? do what? talk to him.

          el  gets it,  really,  in  a  way.  she’s  shared  more  with  will  than  possibly  any  of  her  other  friends—the  perks  of  becoming  siblings,  she  supposed.  and  in  truth,  will  was  more  of  a  sibling  to  her  than  any  of  the  other  kids  at  the  lab.  he  didn’t  pick  on  her,  exclude  her,  say  mean  things  to  her…  a  real  brother.  well,  for  all  intents  and  purposes.  they’d  be  stepsiblings,  officially,  soon  enough,  after  all.

          more  so,  aside  from  max,  will  was  her  closest  friend.  the  friendships  were  different,  but  both  valued  in  their  own  ways.  she  could  talk  to  will  about  things  that  she  couldn’t  with  max;  things  he’d  understand  that  no  one  else  would,  and  vice  versa.

          “ i  know, ”  el  says,  sympathetically,  reaching  out  to  place  her  hand  over  will’s.  “ but  you  can’t  make  it  stop. ”

          she  realizes  it’s  not  the  most  reassuring  thing  she  can  say,  but  it  is  the  truth.  time  is  relentless  and  always  has  been.  all  anyone  can  do  is  make  the  most  of  it  and  hope  for  the  best.

          “ you  land  on  your  feet, ”  she  says  after  a  brief  pause.  it’s  something  she’d  overheard  joyce  say  about  him  when  she  thought  no  one  was  around  to  hear  her.  an  odd  phrase,  she’d  thought,  but  she  thinks  she  understands  it’s  meaning.  “ you  will  be  okay.  you  will  thrive  and  you  still  have  your  family  even  if  we’re  not  all  together  all  the  time. ”

          she’ll  miss  him,  but  she  knows  she’ll  see  him  again  when  he  comes  home  on  his  school  breaks—same  with  jonathan.  and  they’ll  keep  in  touch  when  he’s  gone;  something  joyce  has  reiterated  time  and  time  again  as  summer  has  pressed  on.

during moments like these, will can really see how their mother has influenced el. it makes him smile to recognize those similarities she was bound to acquire from joyce after living with her for these past few years, and it's a fond reminder how they're all family now, brought together by circumstance but now flourishing from the love they've found for one another.

now that he's had el's constant support, he doesn't know what he'll do without it. while realistically he knows she's only a phone call or a visit away, it isn't the same as the freedom of being able to simply go to each other whenever they want, showing up at each other's bedroom doors in the middle of the night when a nightmare hits or the bad thoughts creep in. it's a big change, and will hates it.

"you know, you're getting really good at this..." he muses after a moment of silence, flipping his hand over to hold el's properly as he flicks his watery gaze up to meet hers. "i just- i'm gonna miss always having you around for stuff like this... like- really around. phone calls aren't the same..."

but then, something she says causes him to take pause. before he goes. his brow furrows a bit as he tilts his head, considering her words for a moment and realizing perhaps stupidly late that he doesn't actually know where el is planning on going despite their departure in september coming up fast.

          mike’s  hand  is  on  fire  beneath  will’s  touch,  goosebumps  shooting  up  his  arm  and  it’s  very  distracting  as  much  as  it  is  further  grounding  him,  pulling  him  slowly  but  surely  out  of  his  panic  attack  induced  state.  still,  the  anxiety  persists.  he  doesn’t  want  to  make  things  awkward  for  will,  or  between  them  for  that  matter.  it  seemed  like  they’d  only  just  begun  to  start  to  feel  normal  around  each  other  again;  and  even  if  nothing  were  to  happen  between  them,  mike  is  terrified  of  losing  this  friendship—terrified  of  losing  will.  

          truthfully,  mike  doesn’t  even  know  what’s  going  on  with  him;  doesn’t  know  where  the  thoughts  have  come  from  or  what  to  make  of  them.  he’s  not  gay;  knows  that  he  definitely  has  found  plenty  of  girls  attractive  over  the  years,  but  he’d  just  kissed  will  and  knows  he’d  do  it  again  if  given  the  chance.  he  thinks,  maybe,  he’s  felt  like  this  for  a  while,  but  rather  than  attempt  to  face  it,  he’s  shoved  it  down  and  chosen  to  ignore  it;  think  maybe  it  would  go  away  on  it’s  own.  but  that’s  just  it;  it’s  been  years  since  the  thought  first  occurred  to  him  and  it  still  hasn’t  gone  away.  if  anything,  the  want  has  increased—enough  to  make  him  impulsively  kiss  will  and  not  know  what  to  do  about  it.

          ‘i  think  i’ve  always  had…  feelings  for  you…’  

          a  new  wave  of  guilt  hits  him  then  for  everything  he’d  done  leading  up  to  now—mentally  kicking  himself  for  never  noticing,  or  being  too  in  denial  of  his  own  feelings  and  purposely  choosing  to  turn  a  blind  eye  to  it  all.

          and  as  will  goes  on  to  try  to  alleviate  mike  of  any  of  his  guilt,  all  he  can  do  is  shake  his  head.  he  hadn’t  wanted  to  mess  anything  up  between  them,  but  that’s  exactly  what  he’d  been  doing  from  the  time  they  were  thirteen  up  ‘til  when  he  visited  the  byers  in  lenora.  and  yet,  somehow,  will  still  managed  to  maintain  his  feelings  for  him;  never  found  some  guy  who’d  treat  him  better  in  lenora.  mike  didn’t  know,  or  did  he ?  

          “ but  i  should  have  known,  right ? ”  he  asks,  not  meeting  will’s  gaze.  “ i  mean,  we’ve  been…best  friends  for  like,  over  a  decade,  and  i  never… ”  he  trails  off,  shaking  his  head.  “ or—  like,  i  thought  i  didn’t,  but…  it’s  just— ”  complicated.  

in a confusing, conflicting sort of way, will feels like they should have gotten here ages ago while also feeling like they never actually would. he's flip-flopped back and forth about his feelings for mike and whether or not to share them so much that it nearly made him lose his mind entirely on far more than just one occasion, and even now, after sharing a kiss of all things, he doesn't know what to make of it all.

mostly because he still can't actually believe it. he kissed mike. mike. mike wheeler, his very best friend since kindergarten, the boy he's been in love with for longer than he was able to recognize what it truly was, and since then, it's been an endless, ongoing struggle to make sense of everything. it didn't help that society had shoved it down his throat that loving another boy was unacceptable, a sinful thing dooming him to eternal damnation, having been called those awful, hateful names before he even knew what they meant. his father was right, even though he was wrong.

watching mike in this moment, he looks scared. and maybe will should have seen it all along too, that mike was struggling himself for similar reasons. maybe will had been so caught up with his own problems that he didn't let himself see, and he worries that mike has been crying out for help this whole time only to be met with nothing in return, with will holding everything back with every fiber of his being when it was possible that sharing it would have fixed everything before it even had a chance to fall apart.

except hindsight is everything, and he knows that it's unrealistic and unfair to them both to think that way. it won't help either of them, and as mike begins to voice his uncertainties, his regrets, will listens. he listens and he understands, and he vows right here and now that he won't ever hold anything back from mike ever again.

"no, mike..." he whispers, apply more steady pressure around mike's hand again as he refuses to let himself look away. "i- i did everything i could to keep it hidden... you didn't know, because- i didn't want you to know. i-i couldn't, i was- too afraid... a-and i'm sorry, i- i didn't know either..."

          nothing’s  been  the  same  for  a  long  time,  really.  it  was  something  mike  had  tried  time  and  time  again  to  ignore.  even  when  they  were  kids  starting  to  go  through  puberty  and  mike  tried  to  force  himself  to  grow  up,  a  part  of  him  still  wanted  to  ignore  how  much  things  were  changing.

          he  thinks,  perhaps,  things  between  will  and  himself  have  changed  the  most.  a  lot  of  their  dynamic  stayed  mostly  the  same,  only  changing  in  brief  ways,  but  others  had  changed  drastically.  to  put  it  simply,  mike  didn’t  want  to  make  out  with  lucas,  dustin,  or  max.  he  didn’t  let  thoughts  of  them  consume  him  for  days  on  end.  they  weren’t  the  ones  he  was  most  thrilled  to  share  his  newest  work-in-progress  d&d  campaign  notes  with.  

          and  though  all  these  changes  weren’t  anything  negative,  mike  understands  where  will’s  coming  from  all  the  same.  growing  up  was  hard—harder  still  when  your  childhood  was  stolen  from  you;  riddled  with  trauma  you  still  don’t  quite  know  how  to  process—and  now  with  them  having  graduated  and  on  the  countdown  'til  college,  well,  mike  truly  does  understand  all  too  well  the  anxieties  will  feels—hopes  he  does,  anyway.

once the post-battle tension had mostly settled and the military finally cut their losses and left, there'd been an odd period of desolation that settled across hawkins. although people gradually began to return to their normal lives, it remains difficult for will to feel normal about anything after what they've faced, and he finds himself unable to look at his hometown the same way with all that they now know about the horrors that once paralleled it underneath their feet.

the upside down and everything associated with it may be gone for good, but the lasting impact it has upon them will never go away. and in a way, the same can be said about his relationship with mike, for as they've braved the worst of their growing pains and the distance that had made it all worse and made it out on the other side, there's still that lingering sense of something being... off.

but will knows exactly why. ultimately, it all stems from the secrets he still withholds, all roads leading to that one single point that he's been hiding from mike for years, and although he understands this, it doesn't make it any easier to actually say it.

he can't decide if mike's touch helps more than it hurts, but he needs it, desperately. he's always needed mike, and he's fully aware he always will.

if you want to talk to somebody about this, i mean really talk to somebody, even though i know we've never done that before... well. i'd really like to be that person.

i'm sitting here with my best friend in the world... and my palms are sweating.

it's the first time we've ever slept together in a foreign bed.

do you really love me, though?

i'd probably be stupid enough to wait forever.

i don't want to lose you. what we have is the only thing that makes sense to me.

everything changes eventually.

people die and they move away and they grow up.

i've seen you burp, fart, pick your nose, and scratch your butt. the attraction is gone.

i'm mad at the world.

i'm a firm believer that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing.

i come in peace.

it's probably the wrong time to tell you this, but... um. well. maybe it's the perfect time.

i'm the best sex you'll never have.

you don't think we're friends anymore?

are we more? are we less?

all i know is it's not the way it used to be. nothing is anymore.

you get angry at me too easily.

i realize how incredibly confusing things are between us right now.

i can't even begin to explain our relationship. you probably can't either.

i just want you to know that if you ever need me, i'll always be here for you. all you ever have to do is ask.

i love your lipstick. what shade is it?

are you a virgin?

what would you like to order?

some sex would be nice.

black and white furniture... how retro.

just kiss her will you?

take the elevator to the next floor and get off.

i was just trying to have a moment of happiness in my otherwise pathetic existence.

not everything in life has to be so complicated.

you could tell me why you've been avoiding me all day, or what's behind that look in your eyes.

you better clarify yourself right now before i rip your head off.

every sentence that comes to mind ends with the f-word.

don't hold back on my account.

i'm an adult. i'm supposed to set a good example.

don't you cry! you don't get to cry!

what i need for you to know is that our love came quick and it lasted. it weathered the storm.

i don't want to love you anymore. i choose to hate you now.

i saw a kiss that could set the atlantic ocean on fire.

you were in definite need of a rescue.

i'm sure it was a wonderful wedding.

you know, when did everyone become so obsessed with sex?

it's just a matter of time.

i don't know what's going on. i have all these feelings... these weird feelings.

i don't know how to say it. and i can't say it.

we've known each other for so long, and you know everything about me.

i just feel really lonely.

i'm here for you. i was here for you in sixth grade, i'm here for you now, okay?

nothing you can say is gonna change that.

if i say these things, i can't ever take them back. it'll change everything and i can't do that.

this is gonna be so much fun.

perfection attained is a discomforting state.

you used to be bitter and cynical.

i hate to break it to you, but your problems really aren't that original.

i'm beginning to think relationship problems run in my family.

how much pain and humiliation can a relationship endure before it's reached the point of no return?

are you going back to him?

when are you gonna stop punishing me?

jealousy will get you nowhere.

you are leaving me for a guy who's got an ET doll on his bed.

          mike  hates  how  easily  he  jumps  upon  feeling  will’s  hand  on  his  shoulder.  despite  his  best  efforts,  his  freckled  cheeks  flush  lightly  and  he  lets  out  a  self-soothing  sigh  as  he  starts  to  relax.

          “ i  didn’t  hear  you  come  in, ”  he  states  the  obvious,  before  adding,  “ and,  uh,  i  mean,  yeah,  i  guess…  i’m  kind  of  just  trying  out  a  few  ideas  to  see  if  any  of  them  stick. ”

          sometimes  writing  came  easy  to  mike,  but  other  times  it’s  like  his  mind  was  a  blackhole,  ridding  itself  of  ideas  before  mike  even  had  the  chance  to  think  about  them.  sometimes  he  got  his  best  ideas  from  looking  at  will’s  artwork;  inspired  by  it.  

          so,  naturally,  when  will  makes  the  suggestion,  mike  takes  it.  he  fully  turns  in  his  chair,  looking  up  at  will  as  he  says,  “ even  if  i  didn’t,  you  know  i  wouldn’t  say  ‘no’. ”  not  like  he  hadn’t  been  collecting  binders  full  of  will’s  art  since  they  were  kids,  after  all.

surprisingly, sometimes it can be easy to forget the amount of trauma they've both been through, even just for a moment, and will chalks it up to just how happy he's been lately since moving in with mike. he's living a dream come true in ways he never imagined could be possible for someone like him, and the fact that it's alongside the love of his life just makes it all the better.

but the most amount of joy could never erase or write over the horror of their early years, not completely, and will moves his hand to gently squeeze at the back of mike's neck in apology for startling him.

"i'm sure you'd figure it out either way," will reassures when mike turns in his chair to face him, a smile immediately spreading across his face. "but, if you'd like to see..."

will can't resist leaning down to give mike a proper kiss on the lips before unshouldering his bag and fishing out his sketchbook, leaning over the other's shoulder as he places it upon his desk and flips it open.

          mike  can  feel  will’s  hand  slide  down  to  cover  the  back  of  his  own.  the  contact  causes  all  nerve  endings  to  fire  off,  and  goosebumps  form.  touch  had  never  been  considered  a  bad  thing  between  them;  especially  not  when  they  were  kids.  mike  might  not  have  really  thought  anything  of  it  then—until  they  were  told  over  and  over  that  boys  being  affectionate  like  that  wasn’t  ‘normal’—but  now  especially  has  much  of  his  attention.  he  can  feel  the  warmth  radiating  off  of  will’s  hand,  and  in  a  way,  it  helps  to  ground  him  as  much  as  it  makes  him  want  to  take  flight.

          the  warmth  of  their  hands  matches  the  warmth  of  mike’s  cheeks,  and  all  he  can  hear  is  the  pounding  of  his  heart  in  his  ears.  he’d  kissed  will.  he’d  kissed  him,  and  now  he  doesn’t  know  what  either  of  them  plan  to  do  about  it.  well,  he  wouldn’t  have  a  clue,  except…

          “ wait— ”  his  eyes  lock  onto  will’s,  mouth  falling  slight  agape.  “ even  if  you…  didn’t  feel  this  way ? ”  the  cogs  in  his  brain  are  turning,  fighting  against  the  residuals  of  the  panic  attack  he’s  still  working  on  getting  over.  “ so  does  that  mean,  you…  do  you…? ”  once  again,  he  struggles  to  get  the  words  out,  almost  like  he’s  too  scared  to  voice  them  out  loud.

          he  doesn’t  know  how  it’s  possible  that  will  could  actually  return  his  feelings  after  everything.  the  distance  he’d  put  between  them,  the  awkward  hugs,  the  stupid  jealousy…  the  arguments  he’d  picked  over  his  own  insecurities.  they  were  things  they’d  talked  out,  sure,  but  mike  still  couldn’t  stop  the  guilt  of  it  all;  like  he  doesn’t  truly  deserve  to  have  will  like  him  in  this  way  if  at  all.

as the touch between them lingers, will is reminded of all the instances they've been chastised by other people in the past for things like this, until they'd eventually ceased doing it altogether. it hurts him now to have lost that added layer of closeness that had kept them quite literally glued at the hip, before the ugliness of the world had weaselled its way in despite having no business or right to. because it was never uncommon for them to hold hands as children, and will simply wouldn't be able to count the amount of times that they'd wrapped their arms around each other for no other reason than that they wanted to, and for a while, any disproval or ridicule had fallen upon deaf ears.

until things got decidedly more personal, and will began to be called horrible names by their peers, and with far greater impact, from his own father. eventually it had taken its toll, and will was suddenly left afraid to touch his best friend in front of others in fear of what people might say, or somehow worse, what they would think of him.

now, he's done with being afraid. while he still has to be careful in a world that would rather see people like him be miserable than free, he's hit with a surge of determination to finally accept himself for who he is, and it starts right here alongside the boy who means the absolute world to him. the boy who had kissed him mere moments ago, and will still can't wrap his head around it being an actual fact.

but of course, it starts in baby steps, and there is still an instinctive bubbling of anxiety that grapples him when mike questions him despite the fact that it's rather obvious that mike just may actually feel the same way.

so, will takes a breath, and slowly nods his head as his thumb begins to gentle trace along the back of mike's knuckles. "yeah... i- i've felt things for you that i always knew- or always thought i shouldn't feel, that- that i thought you'd never feel for me... but- i...- i think i've always had... feelings for you..."