mentrophy

       After spending five days in psychiatric hell, I was released to the outside world as what some folks have considered as a shell of a former person.  The insurance company dictates what and how long I can receive treatment, sorry folks.

        Some people have claimed that I am too aggressive, even now and that I don't sound like the person they knew.  Some people have said that I just outright scare them, that I am no longer in control of my faculties.  I pretty much don't know what I am or am not at this point. I do know that I am on medical leave for a bit, I do know that I feel like I am in a spinning vortex, which sucks me down into some chasm of darkness, very much afraid to go back and face the people that I knew.  Asking for help has always been a sign of weakness in my world, too many people have now seen my ugly side and I can't retract any bit of it. 

I -think- some people will be welcoming, but I am much more afraid of the folks who won't be.  After my friend/co-worker took her life last month, I heard the true side of some people come out; they were sorry she passed, they were even angrier that she even made the attempt.

I want to be clear: I did not make any attempts at taking my life this time, but I did feel myself spiraling out of control and head on into a very deep depression that nobody was going to bring me out of, no amount of i love yous or gifts bought for me would have helped, this time, I felt my mind slip from within its shell just like Justin Furstenfeld talks about in the intro to his book. He writes a song about the 21st, I could change the date to the 14th now and make it fit.

This event was a delirium of of reality intertwined with a horrible fantasy that unnerved me.  I did not tell anyone what I was seeing nor what I was feeling, I'd be daft, and mad. I saved everyone the trouble, or so I thought. Instead, what I found out was that a lot of people didn't understand what I was doing or why I was there.  It's hard to try and explain to people the feeling of your mind going away, because they will dismiss it; even if they act like they understand, they really can't sympathize with the situation unless they've been through it.  

I was treated like a criminal even though I voluntarily placed myself there, those who tried to contact me will attest to how hard it was to get a phone call, getting my meds or food was worse. 

I started college this week, something I had put off doing for about 15 years.  My original intention was for job advancement, then it became a matter of proving naysayers wrong. 

I went to a laser light show a week ago with my 13-year old son and we saw Pink Floyd's "The Wall" as part of his birthday week celebration.  I like laser light shows and I am a fan of Pink Floyd; it was time for my son to learn to love music in a new medium.  It was a good show and we had a good time.

I had recently been introduced to the music of Gotye as well.  When I find an artist that I enjoy, I seek to learn what I can about them and check out their music;  I tend to be a loyalist as well and follow those particular artists instead of listening to mainstream media, so I am months behind, but I enjoy the blissful musical existence I live in. 

For as much as "Somebody I Used to Know" has been played, I was delighted when  I came upon"Smoke and Mirrors" and my mind was blown; it cuts to the bone and is a vivisecting description of someone who puts on a facade for everyone around them.  I just love this song.