phanfic o'clock

Third Person

The audience was silent, and Dan felt his heart drop.

Then, all of a sudden, the crowd erupted into crazed screams, excitement rippling over the room and into Dan’s ears. He looked out, to see the judges with grins so bright they (almost) rivalled Phil’s, or their jaws dropped in awe. Dan felt his heart leap back up into its rightful place, rapidly beating.

He grinned, standing up and taking the microphone back in his hand. He waved slightly, only making the audience more riled up. He bit his lip, suddenly nervous for the judge’s reactions. Lucas lifted his hand, effectively silencing the crowds blaring. Dan gulped, gripping onto the microphone tighter as his hand got sweaty.

The judging panel was mysteriously quiet, before Clara said quietly, “Wow. I have no words – that was absolutely incredible…”

Thomas agreed, and Serena began to speak. “Dan, your voice is absolutely incredible. It’s incredibly smooth and sweet, and it goes perfectly with your beautiful lyrics. Your melodies are flawless, and your abilities on the piano and in music writing itself is beyond comprehendible.” She stops, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before continuing, “And to think, you’re only sixteen,” she muttered, jaw dropping.

“I think he has a Gift,” Thomas said. Dan has learnt already that in the competition Music Gift, this means you’ve won the judge’s approval. His face split into a grin so wide it could crack his face, and he giggled a thank you into the microphone.

“Me too,” Serena and Clara said simultaneously.

Everyone in the room turned their attention to Lucas, who seemed to be the big boss of the judging panel. He looked out towards the crowd, turning in his seat, “What do you guys think?” He addressed them, arms spread out, “Do you think he has a Gift?” The audience’s screams were so loud; Dan could feel his ears ringing already. “I think that’s a yes. Dan Howell, you’re invited to the next round of Music Gift!”

Dan pulled the microphone away from his mouth as he squealed, quickly covering his huge grin with his hand. He doubled over in shock, feeling his heart swell with warmth and happiness. Suddenly, he felt arms wrap around him, lifting him up, and he was met with Phil’s face, and his family close behind him. Dan burst into tears upon seeing Phil’s face, tear streaked with eyes that bore so much happiness they shone brighter than the sun. He sobbed happily into Phil’s shoulder, his family wrapping their arms around him, too.

The crowd’s cheers and coos fizzled into white noise, as he leaned up to Phil, pressing their lips together. Phil whispered as they pulled away, “You did it. I love you.”

“It’s all because of you,” Dan replied, kissing him again.

If you asked Dan, later, what happened after this moment, he would tell you he doesn’t remember, because he was so overwhelmed with happiness that it blanketed his consciousness. His dream was taking its first steps into becoming a reality, and he couldn’t be happier. Who wouldn’t be?

As he was directed off the stage with his family surrounding him, he took one last incredulous look at the crowd, cheering for him and him alone, and he crept behind the curtains.

*** *** ***

“LOOK!” Dan cried, dragging Phil along with him as he raced down the stairs. His family, in the living room, sat up, alarmed. No one had gotten over the success of Dan’s television audition, the five of them still on an indestructible high. Dan shoved his phone out towards them, and everyone peered their eyes over at the screen. #DanHowellsGIFT was trending on Twitter, a few pictures of him on stage by the piano or with a cheeky smile on his face. Various audience members expressed their disbelief at his talent, and claimed that Music Gift was only worth the watch if you saw Dan’s audition when it was to air on TV soon.

“I can’t believe it – I didn’t know they liked me so much,” Dan confessed, swiping the phone back into his possession. He scrolled over the other trending topics, which included #ArielleDawsonsGIFT and #JoelNavysGIFT. Dan tapped on each of their tags, but he didn’t recognise either of the faces. He was sure to meet them soon, though, as they seemed to have made it to the next round, too.

Phil slept over at Dan’s again, that night, but it was a struggle to get Dan to bed. His excitement still ran wild in his veins, and he bounced around the room with giddy laughter and loud giggles. Phil had tried to wrestle Dan into the bed but that hadn’t worked and instead he hurt Dan’s arm on accident. He’d tried tiring him out by watching a movie together, but Dan commentated every moment. He’d even tried softly ticking his skin to soothe him to sleep, but Dan just giggled and wriggled away from his touch.

In the end, Dan forced Phil to climb out of his window and into the tree outside, the strong branch just under a metre from the rooftop. Phil, cold and shivering, shakily made the leap onto the branch, where Dan was waiting for him in the dark. Dan pushed a finger up to his lips, silently telling Phil to be quiet, in the dead of night. Together, they sat on the highest branch that would support both of their weights (Phil clung very tightly onto a branch that stretched upwards).

The stars twinkled above them, only a few visible on a busy Saturday night in the big city a few towns over. They were silent, content just in each other’s presence, as they were quite often – but something about tonight felt different. A change was evident in the air around them, one that felt victorious and brave. “Are you happy?” Phil asked into the silence. He knew the answer, he just wanted to hear Dan confirm it.

Dan nodded, brushing his curls out of his face. “Probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, it’s definitely up there with a few other moments in my life…” Dan chuckled, “In all my sixteen years,” he joked, swinging his legs in the air, his toes brushing a few leaves beneath him.

“Up there?” Phil asked, incredulous. “I thought for sure this would be the happiest you’ve ever been. Ever.” Phil chuckled, when Dan made a silly face in reaction. Phil wondered what could rival this day so much that Dan didn’t consider it the best of his life.

“Well, yeah,” Dan answered, after a moment. “There’s lots of days I’ve been this happy – on my sixth birthday I got this really cool midnight-blue scooter, I loved that thing,” he joked again, and Phil was beginning to wonder what was so sensitive to Dan that he was trying to avoid it. “And… The day you asked to join me in the Music Room – I went home and cried, I was so happy,” he looks to Phil, a soft smile on his face.

Phil honestly doesn’t believe that such a day could compete with this one, but Dan continues. “Then there was the day we shared our first kiss, and got together,” he lifts up his fingers. “The day I considered Chris and PJ my best friends, and...” Dan continued, listing a few days of his life, many of which, Phil had been there to encounter. “And today,” Dan finally answers, placing his hands back onto the thick branch.

Phil smiles softly, as Dan rests his head on his shoulder. They sit in silence, and Phil snakes his hand around Dan’s waist. Dan feels his warm hand press against the fabric of his t-shirt, separated from his skin, and strings their hands together. “You know; I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t have done it without you,” Dan whispers, and it fades off into the night.

Phil bumps their shoulders together, acknowledging Dan’s comment. He wants to deny this, but he knows he gave Dan the courage he needed to put himself out there. But, he realises that it took Dan courage to accept Phil’s – he’d never listened to anyone’s compliments or advice before, until he had come along. Phil feels a spike of warmth in his heart, knowing this – knowing that he’s both Dan’s kryptonite and strongest support.

He grins, and Dan smiles back. Phil is convinced he can see the reflection of the stars in Dan’s eyes. But, all too soon, Dan closes them and the stars are hidden beneath his eyelids. Dan’s eyelashes flutter as he thinks for a moment – maybe he’s dreaming – and Phil brings their lips together. It’s quiet, it’s silent; the rest of the city is asleep. It’s like their own haven, and Dan never wants to leave.

Dan

Watching my audition on the TV was… Strange, at best.

The me on screen kept giggling and blushing, as the judges complimented me. Whilst it’s embarrassing to watch from a third person’s perspective, I can definitely feel the same feeling rushing back into my heart. I’m still rather struck by the crowd’s reaction to my performance – had they really liked it that much?

I can feel Phil’s grip on my waist tighten as he appears on stage. On the television, he wraps his arms around me, lifting me up a little. My family swarms in, too, but the cameras don’t miss as Phil pulls away and we kiss, whispering to each other. I hadn’t heard it then, but now, I can hear the audience cooing at our P.D.A. I blush, tucking my head into Phil’s chest.

“You’re cute,” Phil says, for no reason.

“So are you,” I reply, and he rolls his eyes. I tuck myself further into his lap and watch the rest of the show, watching audition after successful audition. If these people are my competition, I’m not in luck.

*** *** ***

“Hey, Dan!”

Almost every second person is greeting me this morning, it’s so strange. For once, at school, I actually feel like I’m getting noticed. I know it’s because my audition was aired on TV last night, but so what? My peers actually care about what I’m doing. It’s exciting – it feels nice.

Phil spares me odd and uncomfortable looks as we stroll through the hallways. I grasp onto his arm, trying to comfort him silently, but he tenses up. “Sorry. Just not used to it,” Phil smiles meekly, resting his hand over mine.

A girl down the hall stares at our laced fingers. “Neither am I.”

I get used to these new changes in my routine as the day goes on. A girl in my Science class tells me she loved my audition. My music class congratulates my achievement. A kid in the first year says they’re inspired by Phil and I being so open about our relationship (which I found quite sweet). Phil and I find solitude in the Music Room; it’s still our secret escape.

“You’re famous,” Phil chuckles, crossing his legs. He takes a biscuit from the packet in front of him, offering me one. I take it from him, taking a bite and dusting the crumbs off my lips. He made them himself. “Do you think you’ll be able to walk the streets without being noticed?”

“Maybe,” I answer. The prospect rather terrifies me. What if someone who hated my audition found me, and shouted abuse? I shake off the thought. “I mean; I don’t think that many people saw the show.”

“Are you kidding, Dan?” Phil asks, mouth agape. “You’re practically being used as advertisement for the show. I saw you in the ads this morning!”

This takes me by surprise. I can’t have been that good. There were so many other auditions far better than my own, and my competition was incredibly fierce. I must look alarmed, so Phil continues, in a booming voice, “His audition was astounding, he certainly has a GIFT. Catch up with Dan Howell in new episodes of Music Gift: Sunday nights at 7 PM.”

I giggle, giving him a gentle shove. He uses the momentum to come right back, falling into my chest. Leaning his head up, our eyes meet for a moment before he connects our lips. It’s romantic, and sweet. It feels like the beginning. He pushes my fringe back a little, tucking the longer strands behind my ear. “You’re more talented than you think, Dan.”

Third Person

Dan is dropped off by his mother in front of a rather large auditorium. Two large grey doors stand as the entrance, and a man stands before them. He towers over Dan, who had thought he was tall, casting shadows over Dan’s face. Shaking silently under his presence, Dan is surprised when the security guard breaks into a grin. “Dan Howell, right? Come in, you’ve got vocal practice.”

Dan smiles, “Thank you,” he steps under the man’s arm as he pushes open the door.

“I saw your audition. You’re absolutely magnificent. Can’t wait to see how far you go!” He cheers, as Dan walks inside. Trying to hide his blush, Dan scurries further into the building, where he runs into Maddie.

“Dan!” She cheers, wrapping him in a hug. She’s usually a lot more formal than this, it’s quite surprising to see this side of Maddie. “I didn’t get to see you after your audition, you did really well! I was so proud,” she smiled, ruffling his hair.

Hurrying to fix it, Dan bashfully expresses his thanks, and the two walk into a small, square shaped room. There’s a pane of glass and a door that splits the room in half. A panel of buttons and sliders and glowing lights is controlled by a man with a blond quiff. On the other side of the glass is a set of professional microphones and a keyboard. “Wow…” Dan gasps, looking around the room. To be in a real recording room was his dream. After hiding away in the music room to record his music, he found each and every button astounding.

“Welcome, Dan, to your personal practice and recording room,” Maddie says, showing him around. He’s introduced to the man behind the control panel, whose name is Mark. Luckily for Dan, they get along very well; Dan knows he won’t catch a break from Mark for a long while. That is, until he’s eliminated from the competition, but Dan hopes that’s an if and not a when. He leads Dan into the recording room, decked out with microphones. Dan listens to the sound of his voice in the microphone and feels a strange sense of ecstatic happiness swell in his heart; the clarity was beyond comparable to his school’s microphone. Dan makes a mental note to record his personal music again, if ever he gets the time.

Maddie, who’d been sitting in the corner, stood up as Dan and Mark had finished testing out the countless controls on the panel. “You’re to practice here as often as possible, okay?” She told Dan. She pulled a lanyard out of her bag, with a laminated rectangle card on the end. “Wear this around the auditorium. It gives you access to recording rooms in your own time, along with toilets and the lunchroom.”

Dan gratefully accepted it, holding it in two of his hands. Examining the card, he glanced over his name in bolded letters. Running his fingers over Dan Howell, he felt the ridges over the black letters pressed into the card, and smiled to himself. This was, almost literally, his ticket to success. He loved that thought.

“I’ll leave you both to practice,” Maddie says, hand pushing the door open. In the gap, she says, “Pick a song for the next TV Round, and make it good. Practice enough to make it through to Round Two; the filming is on Saturday.” With that, she left the room.

Mark clapped his hands together, dropping them onto his knees. “I was very intrigued by your audition,” he smiles, as Dan wraps the lanyard around his neck, letting the card bump against his chest. “Before we pick a song for you to perform, I’d love to see how you go about making music, if that’s okay with you?”

Dan felt the blood rush in his heart, making it beat against his ribcage. He’d been nervous when Phil had shown interest in his music and its creation, but somehow Phil had given him the courage and support he needed to share his creations with the world. And now, to have a professional musician ask him about his processes – Dan felt dizzy. He couldn’t believe his work had been admired by someone above him.

Nodding quickly, Dan gave a brief explanation of his procedure, from poems to using his father’s many instruments.

“You know, if you’d ever like to record in here, you can. I bet you’ve already thought about it, though,” he grinned, perfectly straight and dazzlingly white teeth shining brightly.

Dan, cheeks dusted rosy, nodded. “Thank you, for this opportunity…” His words slipped out nervously, wobbling out of his lips and into the air.

“Don’t mention it,” Mark chimed, dropping his hands onto the table. “So, shall we begin?”

*** *** ***

Sat side-by-side on a park bench, hips touching, Dan tells Phil all about his previous afternoon, and the filming on Saturday. Phil paid for both of them to indulge in some frozen yoghurt, littered with various sweets and fruits. Dan swings his legs as he recounts just how nice the practice room was, shoes kicking up little tufts of dirt.

“Have you chosen a song?” Phil asks. A soft breeze brushes past them in this secluded part of the park. Along the other side of the path is a bunch of trees, parted in the centre. Another path crawls between them, headed directly for Dan and Phil. In the back of his mind, Phil hopes no one decides to walk down this lane, so he can spend all his time with Dan and Dan alone.

“You’ll never believe this!” Dan starts, taking a scoop of his yoghurt into his mouth. A little gummy bear is perched on top. He turns to face Phil, “Mark and I are working on a song together. One that I’d already written, but he’s helping me improve it and record it professionally! I’m so excited.” Bouncing on his chair a little, Dan talks about the outfit he’s been given to wear. A grey smart shirt, with black slacks and suspenders. He says the next afternoon, he’s to go to performance practice, where he’ll learn his stage cues and how to entertain whilst singing.

“You only have a week to prepare for all of this?” Phil asks, incredulous. Dan nods, and Phil’s eyes widen immensely, “That’s rough.”

Shrugging, Dan says, “Yeah, but I love it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.” For a long, stretched out moment, Dan glances up into the sky, eyes sparkling. Phil, who’s infinitely proud of his boyfriend, can’t help but feel a yellow warmth in his heart. He can almost feel the confidence radiating from Dan now; not in the cocky way, not at all. In a way that says, I was once scared, but now I’m unbeatable. Phil loves this.

“I’m a bit worried, though,” Dan says, suddenly. Phil quirks his head to the side, inquiring what about. “You know… I have to practice all the time. Soon, I’ll be pulled out of school for practice. I’ll see you less, which is gonna suck big-time. Additionally, what if I do all this hard work, and it doesn’t turn out?”

“First of all, I’m always going to be here. I know you’re going to be busy, because you’re working so hard to achieve your dream, and that’s okay. And, if you don’t make it to fame, your hard work won’t go unnoticed by people in the industry, Dan.”

Dan smiles softly, swirling melted cream in the bottom of his cup. He prods at a sticky marshmallow, scooping it up and feeding it to Phil. Phil blushes softly, and Dan laughs. “If you’re always going to be here, I’ll always be there for you, too,” Dan says, quietly.

“What? To feed me soggy mini-marshmallows?” Phil chuckles, trying to hide the blush creeping up his neck.

“That, too.”

Laughing softly together, the pair don’t notice a couple walking up the path towards them stop. The couple are muttering furiously to each other, flailing their arms about, legs frozen in spot before Dan and Phil. Phil is the first to notice the odd debacle, as he stares at the bickering pair. Dan turns his head, too, and the couple shrieks.

“It is you! Told you!” The girl says, nudging the boy in the ribs.

Dan and Phil, look to each other in confusion before turning their heads back to the pair of certainly strange strangers.

The boy decides to explain. “We saw you, and she thought she recognised you from the TV, but I said it couldn’t be Dan Howell. And, look, here you are,” the guy says, blushing a bright pink colour. “We’re sorry to interrupt your day,” he says, more to the girl than to Dan and Phil, sounding urgent.

“I really loved you audition! You were the best of all the auditions… Can I get a photo with you?” The girl asks, holding her phone in her hand, grip so tight it turned her knuckles white.

The boy denies her request for Dan, trying to drag her away from the brand-new star. Alas, she breaks free from his grasp. He cries out apologies, but Dan stops him short.

“It’s okay. I’d love too!” He says, in a sing-song. He stands quickly, and the woman feverishly pulls up her front camera and snaps a quick picture with Dan. Thanking him profusely, the two eventually walk away. Dan, in quite the daze, sits down again beside Phil. “That was weird…”

“T’Was indeed,” Phil says. In the silence that follows, the two laugh. The unexpected encounter was one they’d remember for a long time, Phil knew.

*** *** ***

Dan

I’d practiced furiously. I’d skipped a few classes and spent as long as I possibly could in the practice rooms. My outfit had been fitted, my stage movements rehearsed, and my song perfectly practiced. Mark and I chose to rewrite the music to an older song of mine, one from when I’d began to crush on Phil, coincidentally. Mark really loved the way I expressed my feelings through the lyrics, which made me blush beet-red.

Each contestant gets to rehearse their song twice in the auditorium, with their backing screen and props, etc. My props are an old phone and a bouquet, that match with the old-timey feel of my outfit.

No one seems to be watching me, besides Mark and the stage director, so I feel a bit more confident in my actions. It isn’t until Maddie walks in, finger pressed to the headset wrapped over her blonde hair and hurried steps followed by a posse of stressed looking people, that I begin to worry.

She speaks to a bunch of people surrounding the stage, and Mark seems to overhear the conversation, placing a hand over his mouth, eyebrows raised. As I wrap up the song, Maddie rushes over to my side. Her eyes look fiery with stress and worry, and she pulls me over to the side of the stage. From the corner of my eye, I see another contestant set themselves up on stage.

“There’s been a miscommunication in the competition rules,” she explains, pausing momentarily to listen to whoever is yelling through her headset. “The original game rules say that two people will leave every round. It’s been changed to five people every round to keep a twenty-episode season…” she says, looking me directly in the eye.

I don’t quite understand what’s so serious about this until I watch my competitor on stage, whose beautiful voice dances across the room. Five people eliminated every round? That’s so many. Feeling my stomach roll, I heave in a deep breath, my heart beginning to pound a little too fast. The room starts to spin.

Dan slowly wakes up.

First, he feels his hair being played with, kisses pressed to his cheeks and forehead, making his skin tingle. He hears a whisper of his name, breath brushing against his chest. His eyes sluggishly open, greeted with Phil’s ever-shining blue ones. Dan spots the flickers and threads of gold and green around his iris, his heart pounding against his ribs. Dan remembers the night before, and how Phil had saved him and his career. He smiled softly, unable to comprehend how lucky he was.

“Good morning,” Phil whispered, nuzzling closer as Dan reached his arms out for his boyfriend.

“G’Morn…” Dan mumbled, sleep lacing in his words. Phil’s eyes shifted from Dan’s, watching their fingers interlock and play together.

“How did you sleep?” Phil asks, as his fore-finger taps on Dan’s knuckle in a beat Dan swears he knows from somewhere. He blushes, realising the beat follows the chorus of Red.

“Perfectly,” Dan grins, lifting his leg so it tangles with Phil’s. Phil grins, bringing their connected hands to Dan’s face, brushing his hair back and tucking it behind his ears. Dan’s own hand gently bumps into his face, making him giggle.

“Good,” Phil whispers, eyes gazing over Dan’s entire face. His eyes flicker back and forth along Dan’s lips for a moment before he catches Dan staring directly into the oceanic blue of his own eyes. “You’re so cute,” his boyfriend remarks, leaning his head up to press their lips together in a long kiss.

Their morning breaths mingle and Dan thinks it’s a bit gross, but he doesn’t care too much. Phil’s lips are slightly chapped, but still soft and plump. Dan opens his eyes for a split second, glancing over Phil’s features. He’d never kissed anyone with his eyes open, so he could never gauge their reaction to kissing him. Though from Dan’s position Phil’s face blends into itself and crosses over, blurrily doubling up on itself, he can still spot Phil’s fluttering eyelashes and pink dusted cheeks.

He looks almost as content as when he sleeps, only a little bit happier. Dan feels quite honoured, and surprised, to have made someone feel so at peace. He engraves this scene into his head, adding onto his to-do list to write a song about this moment.

As they pull apart, the raven-haired mutters a gentle ‘I love you,’ and Dan wonders if he’s ever been this happy. “I love you, too,” Dan whispers against Phil’s lips, connecting them once more, briefly, before burrowing his head into Phil’s chest.

“Hey,” Phil grabs his attention after a few minutes of snuggling. If Dan perked his ears a bit, he could hear the sound of the kettle boiling ringing softly through the door. PJ must be up, already. This reminds Dan of the night before, and it must have of Phil’s memory, too, as he says, “I’m sorry about last night. I never meant for that to happen. You wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for me…”

Dan shakes his head, mussing up his hair into the mattress sheets. “No, no – Phil,” he replies, and it sounds high-pitched and desperate. He never wanted Phil to feel like he was an inconvenience to Dan; he was anything but. “Please, never blame yourself. What happened last night was an accident, and more my own fault if we’re to place responsibility. Everything could have been so much worse – but it wasn’t, because you fixed everything for me.

“I could be in so much trouble right now, maybe even dead in the eyes of Heidi, but you spoke to your friends and you made sure I was fine and happy and okay. Phil, I couldn’t have asked for a better life-saver-slash-boyfriend. I love you so, so much.” Dan kisses different points on Phil’s face with his final sentence. Phil grins back, thanking him, but Dan wonders fleetingly if there's a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. Worried, Dan continues, “I’ve never admired and adored someone so much in my life – you truly mean so much to me, Phil.” It’s the truth, and being with Phil meant telling the truth hurt a lot less than usual. Dan liked this change.

“Dan,” Phil whispers back, a faint, terribly sad, smile decorating his lips. “How?” His face looks infinitely sadder than it had a few minutes ago, before this conversation started. His eyes and cheeks had drooped, lips lowered in a grimace-like frown. “I’m just a normal guy, with an okay photography Instagram – you; you’re a world famous celebrity. You’re loved by practically a billion people!”

Dan sees the longing in Phil’s eyes. Maybe it’s the longing to fit into to Dan’s lifestyle or to understand it – maybe it’s longing to stay.

“Phil…” Dan says, voice of the same desperate pitch as it was before. He sits upright, duvet falling off from around his shoulders and pooling by his hips. He places a hand on Phil’s chest. “Don’t think like that, please. Ignore that I’m a celebrity – that’s how we met, isn’t it? Besides, no matter how famous either of us are, I love you, Phil. I love you so much, and nothing could ever change that. I may be famous, but I’m a person.”

“Thank you,” Phil replies, almost breathless. His eyes are watering at the edges. Blinking them behind his eyelids, he makes grabby-hands at Dan, who immediately snuggles into his chest. Cheeks against Phil’s heartbeat, Dan registers how fast it’s going. “I love you, too.”

 +

Phil’s bedroom door peels open. It reveals Dan clung onto Phil’s wrist. Both their faces appear quite tired, but they’re both smiling widely, giggling as if on top of the world; invincible. The couple greet PJ good morning, as he sits on the couch, watching morning gossip shows. He can hear the two making breakfast together – jam on toast.

They settle themselves on the other side of the couch, Dan curled between Phil’s legs as there’s not a lot of room. Phil’s fingers twist around Dan’s curls, and Dan’s head rests underneath Phil’s chin. They laugh along to the TV, making jokes with PJ or whispering quietly to each other. It’s quite the spectacle, and PJ wonders if he’s ever seen a pair so in love.

It’s subtle, how much they love each other. But, it’s evident in the way Phil’s fingers gently run along Dan’s forearm, the way they whisper in each other’s ears, lips so close to the shell of their ear it almost hurts. The way every conversation turns into an in-joke, and every joke turns into fits of giggles and playful slaps to the arm. In the way Dan curls himself into any position just to fit into Phil’s body. The way Phil loosely grabs Dan’s fingers to lead him around the house. The way their irises blow just by hearing the other’s voice.

The topic on the TV changes from Taylor Swift to Dan Howell. Dan blushes bright red, hiding his face in Phil’s chest. Phil chuckles at Dan’s embarrassment as All for You filters out and into the room. “Turn it off!” Dan cries, but Phil shakes his head, begging PJ to leave the channel as it is. Dan lifts Phil’s pyjama shirt and creeps his head underneath it, hiding away. Eventually, the women behind the desk stop talking about Dan and the brown-haired and red-faced boy slides out from his make-shift shelter.

Phil whispers something in his ear that makes a grin sew itself into Dan’s features, not leaving for minutes upon minutes later. PJ wonders what he said.

 +

Dan and Phil sit on Phil’s bedroom windowsill, squished side by side, legs hanging over the edge. Dan’s large sunglasses adorn his cheeks, hiding the upper half of his face. Phil thinks it’s hilarious, his boyfriend’s pink cheeks squashed around the rims. The fresh morning air brushed gently through their hair, rising sun not doing much to shield them from the gentle chill in the temperature. Fingers interlocked, the two boys sit in a comfortable silence.

“You’re so lucky...” Dan says, out of the blue, “… To live here.” The boy lifts his head, looking up into the grey skies. The sun pokes out from a broken cloud, reflecting off the rim of his glasses. Through the dark shields, Phil can see his sparkling brown eyes, glancing longingly over the street below them.

“Lucky? This place is tiny – and very expensive.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dan doesn’t elaborate exactly why Phil is lucky to live in this apartment, but the look in Dan’s eye is telling enough. It feels like home – that’s why.

Dan’s phone buzzes to life, where it lay discarded on Phil’s bed. Snapped from his daze, Dan cranes his neck behind him to glance at his phone, but shrugs as he can’t see the notification. It buzzes again, and again, and again, before it’s almost buzzing non-stop. A look of worry sparks in Dan’s eyes and he excuses himself to check his phone. Anxious, Phil turns around on the windowsill to see what the fuss is about. Chewing on his fingernails, the curly-haired boy reads through his notifications.

“Is everything okay?” Phil asks, not moving from his seat.

Dan shakes his head minutely, right hand fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt whilst he reads the messages on his phone. Phil leaps upward, glancing over Dan’s shoulder. Dan tilts the phone so Phil can see, too.

Heidi: You haven’t messaged me lately. Are you at home? 8:32 AM

Heidi: I’m coming over. I miss you :( 8:47 AM

Heidi: DAN 9:04 AM

Heidi: DAN, WHERE ARE YOU? 9:04 AM

Heidi: DAN IF YOU DON’T RESPOND TO MY TEXTS RIGHT NOW 9:05 AM

Heidi: ARE YOU AT A HOTEL? ARE YOU SAFE? 9:05 AM

Heidi: DON’T TELL ME YOU SNUCK OUT AGAIN. I SWEAR TO GOD, DAN, WHERE ARE YOU? 9:05 AM

The one-sided conversation continues on like this for a while. Dan chews on his bottom lip. “I forgot to tell Heidi that I’d be at a hotel, or Zoe’s, or something. She didn’t know I was out. Oh, god.” He drops his head into his hands. Phil, unsure of what to do and suddenly very stressed, pulls Dan towards him, tucking Dan’s head into his chest and patting his hair down. Dan starts shaking, rambled words falling out of his mouth. “I’ve made a huge mistake. I have to confess now, where I am and who you are… Is-Is that okay?” He looks up at Phil, eyes watering.

“Can’t you call Zoe and ask her to pretend you’re there?”

Dan shakes his head, shaking slightly. “Heidi would have already called her – Zoe isn’t the best on-the-spot liar…”

Phil sighs gently, pulling Dan into a hug in attempts to calm him down. I have to confess now, where I am and who you are… “Dan, of course that’s okay. Whatever makes you happiest and safest,” Phil replies, pecking the slightly shorter boy on the forehead. He doesn’t understand – not in the slightest; but he tries too.

Dan’s eyes go duller, lips pursed into a straight line. Tears that had threatened so spill over did just that, silent tears cascading down his cheeks. He shakes his head

“Phil, you don’t understand. It means we have to come out.”

“J-Just to Heidi?”

Dan shrugs, but a look of horrifically present worry sears through his eyes.

 +

Phil looks concerned. He tells Dan he has no idea how they got to where they were, too in-shock to process the memories. Dan knows exactly what happened, remembering it all in intense detail, instead.

He called Heidi, and proceeded to fight with her over the line. PJ had tried to help Phil calm him down, but Phil seemed to be stressed, too, and wasn’t of much help at all (but Dan didn’t mind. He could cope on his own). Dan explained the situation, and they were ordered to report to the hotel, Dan in disguise.

Phil, trying not to speed down the road as he navigates to Dan’s hotel from the previous day, tries to calm himself down. Dan places his hand on Phil’s thigh, rubbing his thumb in small circles. Dan wants to tell him everything will be fine, but he’s unsure himself. After all, he doesn’t know what Heidi will want to do. He definitely doesn’t want Phil to be used as publicity, but Dan’s sure Heidi won’t make that happen.

He’d told Phil that they’d have to come out as a couple. Dan doesn’t believe this to be true, but it was better than telling Phil that they might have to break up. At the thought, Dan feels his eyes prickle with warm tears that slide down his cheek. Quickly, using his opposite hand, he wipes down his cheeks. He feels Phil spare him a worried glance, eyes burning into his temple for a few seconds, but Dan avoids his gaze.

Asking Phil if he looked unlike Dan Howell as he slipped his glasses on (and curly hair hidden underneath PJ’s beanie), the two make their way inside, Dan scurrying behind Phil to avoid any suspicion. Together, they step into the elevator and Dan pulls out his key card to fiddle with.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks, as it’s only the two of them.

“I don’t know. Are you?”

“I don’t know.”

Dan sends Phil a small, meek smile at this.

“We’ll be okay, right?” Phil asks, extending a hand out for Dan to grab.

Dan links their fingers together, squeezing Phil’s hand as the elevator dings at their level. He quickly releases as the metal doors slide open to reveal a long hallway. He sends Phil another smile, eyes crinkling at the corners, “We’ll be okay.” He hopes so.

Dan leads Phil down the long hall, and stops around halfway through in front of two doors. Sliding his key card, he unlocks the door to reveal a lush hotel room. Phil gasps, as Dan plonks himself on one of the couches, unpacked suitcase still upright beside the coffee table where he’d left it the day before. “Can I look around?” Phil asks, watching the world go by on the balcony.

“Before Heidi gets here,” Dan says, before deciding to join him on the ledge. A car honks it’s horn underneath them. Dan’s glasses are still on.

Phil says, “I’m worried.” His hand moves closer to Dan’s on the railing.

Dan says, “Me too.” His hand falls over Phil’s, warm and protecting.

Phil is stunned by the size of the bath, deep and long enough for two people. “Maybe we can use one together some day?” He smiles, lightly grasping onto his boyfriend’s forearm. Phil lends him a slightly sad look, and they both know Dan’s refusing to add if all goes well today.

After having a bounce on the ridiculously soft hotel mattress, Phil settles down beside Dan on the couch. Dan stares straight ahead, at the blank TV screen, thinking about everything. What would Heidi say? Would she make them come out? Would she make them break up? Phil’s clutching a fluffy pillow into his chest, calling out his name. “I’m just thinking,” Dan answers Phil’s unspoken question, are you sure you’re okay?

Glancing to Phil, he gives a timid smile, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear, PJ’s beanie strewn on the coffee table. “I didn’t think it would come to this. I obviously didn’t think this all through,” he laughs softly, fiddling with his thumbs. Phil looks away, spotting something interesting in the kitchen, perhaps. He blushes a little, and his mouth is curled in a tiny frown. Dan hurries to correct his unfinished sentence, “I wouldn’t change it, if I could, though. These past months have been the best of my life,” Dan says, placing his hand on Phil’s knee.

Face shifting into a smile, Phil places his hand atop Dan’s. Heartbeat quickening in his chest, Dan grins. “We’ll be okay,” Phil says, tone wavering in the slightest, but otherwise sounding strong.

In brief silences interrupted by that very phrase, Dan thinks about what his life would be like after coming out. There’d be awful people saying cruel things about him, worse than they already do. He’ll be in the headlines for weeks and months. What were people going to think about his image, too? He’d always aimed for a rather cute and soft aesthetic – he didn’t need nay-sayers slapping slurs on his pink persona.

After precisely nine minutes and forty-two seconds of waiting (Phil told him this, later), there’s a knock at the door. Tentatively, Dan stands up and wobbles over to the door. Slowly, he turns the handle and pulls one of two doors open. Standing in the hall, with a handbag in the bend of her arm, clipboard poking out, and phone in the other hand, stands Heidi.

 +

The look on her face is fiery and mad, frown scrunched along her lips. Her eyes betray her, however, filled with worry and care. Heidi asks to step forward, at the same time Dan asks her to come in. She blushes slightly, though maintaining her angry look, and struts into the room, heels clacking along the wooden floorboards. She throws her handbag onto the coffee table, directly in front of Phil. Tugging the bag a bit closer to her side of the coffee table, the woman sits herself on the opposite sofa. Dan sits down beside Phil, though a lot further than he had moments before.

“So,” she starts, almost glaring at Phil. “This is Phil?”

“Yeah. You met him on the night of the London concert,” Dan says, playing with his fingers.

“I know.” Tugging on her women’s blazer, she looks quite uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Phil, about my conduct that night. I was rather rude, but I don’t believe today will be any better, after what Dan has told me so far.”

Phil nodded, and Dan sent him a weak smile.

“So,” Heidi says, addressing the both of them, but asking Dan, “Tell me the story. From the beginning.”

Dan immediately goes on a spiel about the day they met, the events before and after the concert, and the way he snuck out to Phil’s apartment, often. He neglected to hold back the previous night, in meeting Phil’s best friends. Phil watches Heidi’s face contort with the story, but the true tale ends on a rather mad looking note.

“You’re dating. Correct?” Dan and Phil nod simultaneously. “You’ve been sneaking out to see him?” She asks Dan. Dan nods. Phil nods to confirm. “You love him?” Heidi asks, pointedly looking at Phil. Phil nods again, blushing slightly. “That’s a bit of a surprise…” She mutters under her breath, and Phil doesn’t quite understand what she means. In the back of Phil’s mind, he wonders what Dan referred to him as, if he ever did. Especially on the night of the concert.

“Heidi, please, do whatever you want. Force us to come out, force us into hiding. Whatever! But, please, don’t break us up,” Dan says, desperate breaths wavering in the air.

Heidi is silent, lips pressed into a straight line. She stares at each of them respectively, glancing up and down their bodies. Her mouth slips into a small, barely visible smile. “I wouldn’t do that,” she whispers, a twinkling in her eye. She stands, placing her hands on her hips. Dan whips his head around, grinning at Phil. The happiness in his eyes and spread across his cheeks makes Phil wish he brought his camera, so he could record this pure delight. He’s amazed he caused this beaming smile to erupt on the pretty boy’s face. “But…” Dan and Phil both glance back to her.

“You should understand that now I know, I don’t want you sneaking around to Phil’s house, and going out and about in disguise,” she says, pulling out her clipboard. Dan’s jaw drops open, and he begins to argue. Phil worries that this means they’ll rarely get to see each other anymore. If Dan can’t go in disguise, how are they supposed to visit each other without the world finding out about him? “Don’t worry. I’ve devised a plan; you can still see each other.”

Dan huffs a deep sigh of relief, shuffling a little closer to Phil. Phil smiles.

“Dan told me you were a high school friend, Phil – which is obviously incorrect, but I’m right in saying you’re a photographer?” She asks, holding her pen to her clipboard. Phil feels like he’s being interrogated. He nods, and Dan compliments his works, and Phil’s cheeks go rosy. Heidi stifles a giggle, making the dark-haired boy feel even more embarrassed. “We’ll schedule a photoshoot with Phil. From there, we’ll pretend you became great friends. You’ll be seen leaving together, hanging out together, Phil will visit Dan’s house, etcetera. You don’t have to come out unless you want to – but you’ll still have to discuss with me if it ever comes to that. How’s it sound?”

“Can we talk about it?” Dan asks, hands gesturing between he and Phil. Heidi nods in affirmation, running off to the kitchen to make a tea while the couple confer.

If he was honest, Phil was terrified of being in the famous eye. Scared of paparazzi somehow finding his whereabouts (though, he doubted he would be under as much scrutiny from the public as his boyfriend was), scared of Dan’s passionate fan’s fiery jealousy. His work would get attention, though he wasn’t about to out himself as Dan’s new buddy for that reason; and besides – what if no one liked his photos, or him?!

Dan places his hands on Phil’s waist, pulling him from his thoughts. The pillow the older boy is still clutching in his arms is removed from his grasp, so Dan can hold his hands. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Phil nods, barely, and Dan’s fingertips slide over his knuckles comfortingly. Phil knows there’s no other way if he wants to stay with Dan (and he’d much rather become a bit famous than lose the only person he’s ever really loved romantically), but it doesn’t stop the beating in his heart. “We don’t have to, if you’re not ready,” Dan says, chewing on his lip. “But, I promise, you’ll get used to it. I’ll keep you safe, and I’ll get bodyguards – anything you need to make you feel protected. I promise you everything will be okay.”

“What if they don’t like me?” Phil asks, the same way a teenage girl would on her first day at a new school. He felt like that, too, in honesty. About to dive into a whole new world; one of uncertainty, cruelty, and celebrities. For a moment, Phil believes he’ll be fine, and then he fears he won’t, then Dan assures him he will.

“If they love you half as much as I do…” Dan says, reaching a hand up to cup Phil’s cheek, “You’ve got nothing to worry about.” With that, Dan tugs gently on Phil’s chin, and Phil voluntarily goes the distance to peck his lips against Dan’s. It’s an awkward kiss, interrupted by their own grins.

“Thank you,” Phil whispers as they press their foreheads together. Distantly, Phil hopes Heidi isn’t watching them – no one has ever seen them be so affectionate, unless one of his friends had caught them off guard the previous night, and he’s sure Dan wants to keep it that way.

“If ever you feel uncomfortable, just tell me, okay?”

After another moment, Heidi asks if she can come back to sit across from the two of them. “What do you say?” She inquires, hands clasped together. Her eyes are laced with worry and hope; surely, she must dearly love Dan. The sheer amount of effort she puts into making sure he’s safe and happy is astounding to Phil, she’s like a second mother from his third person perspective. That may not be how they feel about each other, but that’s definitely what it seemed like.

Dan looks to Phil, letting him have the final word. “Sounds great,” he smiles, and Dan’s face breaks into a grin.

“Oh, thank goodness,” Heidi sighs, palm clutching her chest in exasperation. “I’m so glad you’re happy with that plan; that was the only one that seemed to work for everyone…” Glancing up at the ceiling before shaking her head, she says, “Is there anything else I should know before we plan when to start Phil’s debut into celebrity life?” Shimmying her shoulders as she says it, she quirks an eyebrow. She must have suspicions.

Fidgeting with his fingers, Dan answers the question. “Ah… Yeah… It was my fault, so please don’t blame Phil, but, um, Phil’s friends know about me.” In the second that follows immediately after Dan finishes his sentence, Heidi’s face curls into a deep frown.

Lip twitching and face hot, she stutters, “W-What?” She stands from her seat on the sofa, arms crossed over her chest defiantly. “I thought you said you were safe? Please, Dan, tell me everything is okay? I can’t have you outed when you’re not ready!” She cries, pressing her fingers into her temple.

A sudden surge of confidence pushed through Phil’s veins. Maybe it was the urge to protect Dan, or to assure that his boyfriend was always safe in his watch. In circumstances like this one, Dan was always at risk. He wanted the boy to be safe, that was Phil’s only wish; so he stands up for himself and for his boyfriend and for their wellbeing.

“You don’t need to worry. I’ve discussed this with my friends, and everyone is keeping Dan in their best intentions. They’ve promised to keep everything – our relationship, Dan’s whereabouts – a secret. You can trust them; you can even meet them. Anything to prove that Dan is safe when he’s with me; I won’t let anything happen to him. Their meeting Dan and finding out about our relationship was an accident, we both should have been more careful.”

Heidi smiles softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I trust you, don’t worry. And, it sounds like your friends are pretty nice, too.” She glances to Dan for confirmation, who nods excitedly. Pausing, she lifts her finger into the air as if she’s wondering what to say. “From what you’re saying, I gather you kept your relationship with Dan a secret, and you intended to until your friend’s accidentally found out?”

Phil nods, confirming her guess.