escape into writing

      “YEAH. Followed by in depth detail of who I’m with, who’s meetin’ up with us later and gaslighting me that you couldn’t--” Must you always fucking interrupt me?!       “That’s not fair. You leave me at home with nothing to do. I don’t have a license so what am I suppose to do when you go out on these supposedly girls’ nights?”         “I don’t know! Anything? There’s plenty of shit to do! Cleaning? The laundry? Or dry the dishes from the dishwasher because TEAS FORBID you actually make a phone call without me and actually schedule a damn mechanic to look at the dishwasher!” Rae slammed the door to the refrigerator shut and turned to face her partner. “I’m not your mother, Adrian. It’s an unpleasant and dissatisfying job-”       “I’m not asking to be babied-”       “Then what do you want from me? Should I go out and get a damn microchip implanted into my freakin’ wrist? Huh? Then you’d always know where I am, hmm?”       “I just want you to be honest with me!”       “I AM HONEST WITH YOU!” the woman screamed, head shaking as she finished her sentence. Silence fell around the quarreling two as they locked eyes for the first time all night. Rae’s hand around the juice bottle squeezed, knuckles turning white as her thoughts battled with her heart’s desires. Sophie’s right, a small voice admitted softly. But she wasn’t ready to give up. Was she?Adrian was the first to look away. And Rae’s gaze fell to her feet as she placed the bottle on the counter. She cleared her throat and looked back over to the man that once made the moon dim in comparison. “I’m... going to sleep over Sophie’s tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.” Her voice shook as she forced the words out of her throat. Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip as silence fell over them again. She walked out of the kitchen, turned down the hallway and slummed her way up stairs to pack a few things, three outfits incase she didn’t feel right about coming back the next day.

However, they wouldn’t revisit this conversation the next day. Or, seemingly, ever. When Rae turned her key into the lock to the front door and pushed it open, she was greeted by nothing but the echo of her own shoes as she slowly explored her home. Immediately, she could sense a change. The warmth of the house was stripped away and the energy of the land hallow, cold. “Adrian?” Rae called out before looking into the studio. 

A gasp choked free before her hand could clasp over her mouth. The basses, electric piano, synthesizer, everything that made her lover shine through music: gone. A stack of papers rested on the couch, calling out to the confused human as a clue. “No.” she whispered before turning around and running for the stairs. “Adrian!?” her voice sounding more frantic, confused. “Adrian!”

She pushed open every door as she ran for the master bedroom, hoping it was just a bad thought gone rouge. Her eyes pooled with tears as she noted where his piles of dirty clothes once rested laid clean. The glare from the early afternoon sunlight glared back at her as she stared at the empty space. Her legs willed their way to the dresser, even though she knew what she would find. Or rather, what she wouldn’t find. 

Slamming the oak drawers shut, her hands flew up to her hair, raking, tugging, knotting, as she did a full circle examination of her bedroom from where she stood. The faint smell of salt and kelp clung to the air, mixed with earl grey and sweet rose hip. Rae fell to her knees as she found herself staring at a picture of her and the departed man at the town fair late last fall. Her chest heaved as her heart threatened to crack as it once did many moons ago, over a different undeserving man. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt her body battle a pain she didn’t quite recognize. Then, she let it all out. 

Rae screamed. She screamed out of pain for leaving Underland in the first place, leaving her elderly father in aid only to his sister and niece. She screamed for being wronged by the band group she gave everything to. The people she believed to be family. Then, the people that took her in as one of their own, only to give her a small role of a hostess inside the park - never a performer. She slammed her shaking fists down against the wood floor as she screamed out for the lover she never thought would harm her. He promised that she would never fall. Now she laid in a curled, weak pile on her bedroom floor, clinging to what she believed would last her life time. 

He left, without so little as a goodbye. 

Later that night, after she peeled herself from the floor, Rae wrapped herself in the warmest, softest, robe she could find and dragged her fingertips along the walls as she walked towards the studio room. Maybe he did say goodbye, she tried to convince herself it wasn’t as bad as she was making it out to be. 

Instead, the drafts of songs he discarded, leaving her to find, were all dated months ago, dedicated to the same Underland bobcat with bright, wild blue eyes. Eyes that now were surrounded by swollen red skin, irritated from hours of crying. Their love had died weeks before she had even realized hope was lost. How can someone give up on years of love? Years of commitment? Or happiness? He was so adamant about living together, yet he gave up long before her. To the music artist inside of her, the stack of songs served more meaning and answered more questions than any letter could. But where did she go wrong? She gave him everything, almost every piece of her seemed to be complimented by his absurd, unorthodox self. But she was happy. She was content with him checking in on her every hour, butting into every social event that he could. Freaking out at her when she was five minutes late to getting home at night. He cared. That’s what mattered in the end. 

There were nights that she needed to ignore her phone to avoid looking rude to friends because she had already explained to him four times beforehand that it was a girls’ night. They would have a romantic night in the next night. Except, they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t leave the couch except for bathroom breaks and even then he gave her a sad expression for a moment of alone time. Love was never easy, she constantly reminded herself. Her own reactions to his neediness were harsh and lacked understanding. He wasn’t like her, and desired constant and instant gratification for small accomplishments, small completed chores. But, that’s who they were, wasn’t it? An awkward pair tied together by a unbreakable bond, only severed. 

Rae thumbed through the small pile of scratchy penmanship then tossed them into the empty wire waste bin next to the doorway. Her hands rubbed against the soft material of the robe in a weak attempt to ground herself. This wasn’t her. Rae Macha wasn’t a small, feeble, woman who lived to satisfy the whims of other people. She once was so blunt, people feared her yet respected her mind and thoughts she brought to collaborations. Macha was different from those from this realm and wished to bring her own insight to their world, to mesh the two together and find a common ground. She had dreams bigger than this town. The bobcat settled for less than her worth and now found herself empty handed, with not even a hand to hold or another to brush her tears from her cheeks. Slowly, she would realize it wasn’t her fault. Some stories didn’t seem to have happy endings. Perhaps love and happiness were exclusive terms in her life. She needed to make a change and stop reflecting on the past: whether it be her choices or the choices of others that harmed her in the end.