life is painless for the brainless

“My gut tells me all the time, but, whatever, not like I can trust that anymore–I don’t even think it works nowadays. That’s the whole point, he’ll never see it coming. I don’t need him to appreciate it, I’ll just know if I can do it because he’ll either be dead or just a little starstruck. I’ll wear my Black Widow suit if you grow a beard. Then you’d have a beard. Everyone looks good with a beard, it’s like, common knowledge.”

“I’ve never steered you wrong with my advice, so I completely reject that statement.  Probably all the rum though messing with it.  Very true.  But, if it doesn’t kill him, he might think that he now has permanent between your thighs access.  And do you really want to give him that sort of idea?  Sure, but slight addendum: you wear the Black Widow suit, just so I know that you have it.  Then, I’ll grow the beard, and then you’ll wear it again.  Not true.  Some guys look awful if their beards don’t grow in right and they insist on keeping it anyway.”

“It is brilliant, like, honestly. I can’t even pick a favourite character from it. I want to see it again if you want to join me. Maybe not so many movies of the guys now, but there are a hundred other superheroes they can bring in to fill the gaps. I think they do need to slow down a bit, each one just seems a bit like a copy now. But Black Panther gives me hope, at least. Even if Infinity War sucks, I’ll be looking forward to a sequel in Wakanda.”

“I might take you up on it.  I feel out of the loop having not seen it yet.  The last thing we need is the universe to keep going.  Like, I’m kind of ready for it to start chilling out a little bit.  Judging from Marvel’s history though, their first movies are usually pretty good, and then the next one sucks.  There are some exceptions, but they’re rare.”

“Why don’t we just book a date to get distracted, then? One that’s not the same date as our supposed Marvel marathon! We can just review each film first, see if the ratings are worth the time–but…I mean, couldn’t we just read the synopsis…es? synopsi? of each movie instead?”

“Can you really book a date where the whole point is just to get distracted?  Distractions tend to happen when you don’t expect them or they don’t really count as distractions.  So I’m thinking that we plan for our Marvel marathon, but leave it open for some wiggle room.  And then we could just read the synopsis... synopsises... the summaries of each movie.”

“You don’t seem…bookish. It’s a little better than the film, just a lot more detail as usual. But one thing I’m grateful for in the film is Celia’s green dress at the dinner, god, I’d kill for that dress. Hawkeye just shoots arrows, though, but to be honest the Hawkeye vs Deadpool comics were amazing so I do love him. It was amazing chemistry, like, they’d be such a good couple, too, they help each other out, but hey, why can’t why just have two super hot people be in an ordinary platonic relationship? You know, other than the fact any other female is just forced into romantic relationships, you don’t see Falcon getting some. Good choice, I watched Justice League for Wonder Woman alone since I liked that one, but they managed to make such a good character into a one-dimensional mother to the other members. The Flash was just comic relief and by the third joke about Batman getting together with Wonder Woman, I was done–she’s so much better than him. DC have a real issue with their films, they’re just…not worth it.”

“Good.  I think my entire self confidence and image I’ve been working so hard to create would be completely destroyed if you said had you thought I was bookish.  She did look good in it.  But as far as characters go, Ant Man is about as much of a threat as Hawkeye is.  If anything, I think I’d be more scared of Hawkeye than Ant Man.  Maybe they could become friends with benefits or something.  But let’s be real: there is no way any man can get that close to ScarJo without wanting her.  That’s because Falcon is badass and doesn’t need any woman.  Yeah, I’m glad I passed on that.  They just need to stop and let Marvel rule the movie world and accept their losses.”

“I wished it’d just been a story about Robbie and Celia, like, I can never get into those films that have all the different timelines and retellings of stories–It obviously wanted to be like the book, but books are better at that kind of thing. And Briony was so annoying. Yeah, but it’s alright because he understands that his super power fucking sucks, it’s not like he thinks he’s Iron Man or anything, but I’m excited for the sequel with The Wasp. But in the comics, she and Bucky are perfect, though it did make sense for something to come out of her and Cap in Winter Soldier. But, apparently Cap is gonna give up his shield, so maybe when Bucky takes over, because I assume they’re going down that route, Nat and him can get together. Yeah, but hey, at least it won’t be as bad as Justice League or Suicide Squad.”

“I wouldn’t know.  I didn’t read the book.  She really was annoying though, and it just... I don’t know.  It felt like it was trying to be too many things at once.  He’s still a lame ass superhero, and if they wanted to make him a side character like Hawkeye, that’d be fine.  But don’t give him his own movies.  Exactly my point.  Their chemistry was too good in Winter Soldier to just let nothing come out of it.  It’s possible, I suppose.  I heard such terrible things about those two that I stayed away from them like they had the plague.  Honestly, I haven’t seen a single DC movie since Bale left the Batman franchise.  It just can’t live up to Christopher Nolan’s stuff.”

“I think Natasha is my favourite. I’d love to marry her, like, wow. Oh, okay, yeah, that sounds better. I’ve never not been kicked out of a library so they’re kind of like an unhappy place for me. Yes, yes! But, but but–They brought out a sequel called The Avatar of Korra which is a-ma-zing! So, I wanted to rewatch the original, too. But okay, I’ll finish it after the movie. You’re so helpful, thanks.”

“I feel like she’s most girls favorite.  Like, the only two other options are Scarlet Witch who’s lame, and then the chick from How I Met Your Mother who is completely wasted.  Libraries are overrated anyway.  Didn’t Korra get cancelled because it was getting too gay or something for Nick?  Or am I making that up?  Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I’ll see what I can do, just since I’m supposed to be taking your advice more often and what not…” Piper shrugged, though if she’d look good in it, she was willing to wear it sooner rather than later. “I’ll try it on…hmm, who do we hate? Seb, maybe. I think people will applaud me. You definitely couldn’t, Finn. And that’s fine, just admit you can’t. No one will judge you, well, except for me, but when have you ever cared what I think anyway?”

“And since when would my advice ever steer you wrong?  Never, that’s when.  I don’t know.  While I think Sebastian might be a good target, he might also be a little too into having his head between your thighs.  And then he wouldn’t really appreciate what was going on.  I could grow a beard.  I just choose not to.  Psh, I definitely care what you think.  Unless you think I’d look good with a beard, in which case... no, I definitely wouldn’t care.”  

“I want black wings. Oh man, that’d be the life. I’d be flying all the time, well, maybe not all the time considering I’m not sure how that’d bode with the big guy and his rule of the sky and all that jazz. But I’d definitely try. Technically it’s been tried before, but we just need some better mechanic than Icarus and we’re good to go. They are quite yippy. I mean, it’s a toss up, so I feel you. Even though watching a dog suffer is probably not the way I’d want to spend my Saturday, if it comes down to pie… There you go, kill two birds, or dogs if you will, with one pie. That idea will give me plenty of time.”

“I think I might want some really nice silver ones.  Like, I feel that it would be super shiny and give off this air of importance or something.  Well, the big guy would probably admire the wings and all that so much he’d have to let you be with it.  Right?  Or at least, you could dream.  Well, we’ve made enough scientific advances, right? Surely we’d do better than him.  They’re the worst.  Pie is always worth it, honestly.  Especially if the dog was as annoying as this one was.”

“That’d be super nice, although I feel like I’d probably put on so much weight my wings wouldn’t be able to carry me. In a stressful situation? Just fly on out of there. Oh man I want wings. It’s not a bad title to have. Are you saying if you were a rich little old lady you wouldn’t have a chihuahua mixed with a Pomeranian and carry it around with you? While I think that would cover both categories, I’d be all for it. What a waste of a pie. Anytime. Just try not to have your trial before 10 am, I’m not so much of a morning person since my sleeping routine got disrupted.”

“Well, they’d probably just have to be huge ass wings anyway to carry us.  Literally just every time you didn’t want to deal with something, just nope and do a backflip into a sun before flying away.  Problem solved.  Somehow, this has to happen.  I would not.  Little dogs are gross and yippy and just get in the way.  Literally, I think I was sadder that the pie was gone rather than that the dog was having seizures.  Can’t make any promises, but I will try to stall if it is before 10 so you have plenty of time to get there.  Might even pitch them my wings idea just so they can have something to think about and plan what they’ll do once they’re invented to keep them occupied.”

“I wouldn’t complain with a set of wings, although I guess I have one in horse form, but personal ones would be handy. Definitely is more fun to complain. Thanks, I’ll crown you as the new distributor of wings. Oh wow, fancy dog. Did it have those little chocolate curls on it? Look at you already building your case, you’ve got me as someone to call if you need to testify on your behalf.”

“How awesome would that be though?  Like, you’d never have to deal with walking again.  Just... jump up and fly away.  Oh, for sure.  A title I think I’ll gladly accept.  Well, you know how those rich little old ladies are.  They need those tiny, special mixed breeds that half the time you can’t pronounce, and the other half, they just look stupid.  This one fell in the second category.  And then it acted stupid by eating the damn pie.  Of course.  Yeah, thanks.”

“Surprisingly, I’ve actually never had a Red Bull or any form of energy drink. Honestly don’t think anything can keep me from being all over the place. As much as I’d love to feel like I’m having a heart attack, I think I’m going to stick to conventional methods like complaining and sleeping, but if it gets any worse, I’m coming to you for wings. This is true, but I gotta ask, what kind of pie was it? I don’t know, can people go to jail for killing a dog? Probably.”

"You need those wings to do things in life it sounds like.  Those sound like the more fun approaches to it, anyway.  I’ve got you though if you do decide to switch it up.  It’s what I’m here for.  French Silk.  Probably if it’s premeditated or whatever, but this was an accident.  It was dumb enough to get the pie down and eat half of it on its own, so I’m completely innocent of the whole thing.”

“It’s definitely a personal problem. I’m trying to sort it out as fast as I can. To be fair, I probably already do that, so I don’t see what else there’s left to lose. Oh shit, that poor dog. But I also kind of envy it, got the half a pie. Well, heres to hoping they don’t have any surveillance of any kind.”

“Red Bull and 5 hour energy shots.  They should keep you more alert so you aren’t so all over the place.  ‘Course, they can also make you feel like your heart’s about to burst out of your chest, but... it’s something you get used to.  Then if you’re already doing it, who cares?  If it died from the seizures, at least it went out satisfied.  I haven’t heard anything yet.  And what’s the worst they could really do?  Make me get them another dog?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, man. I tried, but I just keep zoning out lately. It’s nothing personal. I seriously would have loved to have heard how all of that connected, but I’m sure it was great. Although, I’m questioning where that half of the pie is. Also, hope the dog is okay.”

“That sounds like a personal problem then.  It’s only a matter of time before you zone out on something important.  Well, half the pie is in the dog, and the other half’s gone to the world now.  Eh, I guess it’s okay.  Didn’t really stick around long enough after the owner got back to find out.”

“As fascinating as this story is, I just want you to know I stopped listening after you said ‘expired milk’.”

“You zoned out that early?  Dude, then you missed the best part about my foot being stuck, the dog having the seizure, and the fact that I still had half a pie.”

“Okay, okay, I will, you big Stark Lover. You can rent movies? Like, online, or? Oh, do you mean, when people go to the library you can sometimes get some? I thought those were just like…war documentaries or something. But I just finished season two of Avatar! I can’t stop now, Zuko’s in such a personal conflict! Though, I guess it is just one movie, so maybe. I wonder if anyone’s got a copy.” 

“He’s goals, not going to lie.  I mean, either way works, but I was thinking more like how you rent them through iTunes or whatever.  Hasn’t Avatar been over for, I don’t know... ever?  It’ll still be waiting for you after you finish the movie.  You could ask around, I guess.”

“Do you think it could wait until Halloween, or do you think people couldn’t wait that long? Ever since Winter Soldier I’ve always wanted to kill someone with my thighs, she’s such an inspiration. Is that because you can’t grow one?”

“Personally, I think you should just go ahead and bring it out now.  Give the people a taste of you in the suit, and then put it away again until Halloween.  People will be begging to see it again by then.  As long as you don’t practice on me, I don’t see why you shouldn’t try it.  Oh, ha ha.  I could grow a beard if I wanted to, but I think they look bad, so I don’t.”

“No, I’ve always thought Benny had a bit of a weird face, me. And he really creeped me out in Atonement, so you know, he’s a no from me. Paul Rudd’s a cutie, though, and I thought Ant Man would be a lot worse but it was actually okay, but I only really watched it because I liked him in Civil War, but as most origin stories are, it was a little boring. I hated the last Avengers, why they chose to pair up Nat and Bruce…boggles my mind completely, she should be with Bucky a thousand percent. Plus, I think since Infinity War will have everyone in it, it might be a bit much, like, I hope they don’t just rely on the fact their cast is going to be insane.”

“Atonement in general was just a movie to freak you out.  I mean, I invested all that time in that movie and then it ended like that?  So anyone involved with it obviously is making kind of shitty movie decisions.  I just see him as that dude in Friends, and it’s like... eh.  He just doesn’t do it for me.  And if all he’s going to do is turn little, then that’s literally the lamest superpower in the world.  Hulk should’ve just stayed Hulk, had his crush on Tony Stark.  I mean, I think she should’ve gone off with Cap, but to each his own.  Either way, it would’ve made a lot more sense than that forced fiasco.  You know that’s all they’re going to rely on, though.  Like, oh shit, all the superheroes are together.  Let’s see them all!  But there will be no plotline, whatsoever.”