Thinking about that time my dad told the mental health services that I had used pads in my room because I was too depressed to go to the bin and just threw them, not caring if they went in. I at the time got mad at him bc I didn't want them to think I was gross.
But looking back, it's actually a good example of realistic crippling depression. Sometimes you have the same sanitary pad on for two weeks because you have no energy and the precious little you have is saved for essentials like going to the toilet. Sometimes you don't eat for days because the hunger pains aren't as exhausting as eating. Depression isn't just crying and obvious self harm. Sometimes it's hearing that your beloved pet died but you can't move, you can't cry, you don't even go to the funeral because you can't get out of bed.
Sometimes people think you don't care and get angry in their grief and you can't explain how you are grieving just as deeply, you just are so tired you can't show it. Or you are so numb it doesn't register, and you hate yourself more because how could you not grieve like everyone else is because you know you loved them. Depression is a horrible, insidious disease and it isn't sanitary. It isn't safe. It isn't funny. It isn't going to just go away. It's a pervasive, debilitating parasite that feeds off your self hatred. It's difficult, terrifying and downright irritating (at first) to seek treatment and therapy. But I can promise you it's worth it.
One day, you can go on a walk with your dog and see a tree and think how pretty it is. Go out and laugh with your friends. Have dinner and like it. And you won't even realise until later that you weren't numb in those moments. You weren't tired. You were happy, able to properly feel the satisfaction of landing a joke, or cooking a meal. You won't recognise it at first, it's slow and hard but you'll look back and see how far you've come. How much you've accomplished. Even if it's just taking showers weekly when before you could only wash monthly. Being able to go on walks when a five minute walk to the shop would take you out of commission for days before. Speaking to your family and friends more, where before speaking to people exhausted you.
Even if you think you haven't made any progress, look at where you were a year ago. Or even six months ago. You may not be able to see past your dips and relapses, but you are steadily getting better. If you zoom out, that week you spent in your bed? Nothing compared to the past! And yet you still got up and persevered! Isn't that amazing!
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