so it goes

the current epiphany ive had is i can sometimes "over intellectualize" my feelings or try to apply logic as a self soothing "it makes sense I feel this way", but ive been stopping there and not also FEELING the feelings. and realizing ahhh that's where the restlessness then comes from bc identifying and talking about how you feel still isnt the same as feeling the feeling, which duh? but feeling the feeling is scary when i havent felt safe feeling my real feelings let alone expressing them or god forbid sharing them and like actually sharing them not breaking it down into "logical" bullet points in the hopes they can't be denied by someone else

i dont think im traumatized until i post shit like that "hey guys isnt cool learning to be vulnerable and not hide from your feelings"

it's just weird i guess going from decades of almost complete avoidance until things inevitably imploded, to slowly learning to acknowledge AND talk about things with myself AND identify my feelings AND maybe even sometimes sharing all of this with other ppl EVEN IF it feels really uncomfy

i swear i can feel an actual shift in my brain and just general thoughts/feelings lately, like I can really feel/identify the progress of years of therapy and emdr lol

i said i genuinely wanted to see all those involved to be executed and my work wife was like "well idk i dont think i could ever watch or enjoy watching something like that, and idk if it's ever okay to execute ppl" and i said no i do think we can make v clear exceptions for sick pedophilic child traffickers who also have (further) corrupted an entire government and have fucked quite literally everything

i just got so overwhelmed by frustration and misandry i started crying thinking about how fucking annoying and awful men are to no end :')

i cried in therapy today and talking about how I was SMACKED w some clarity from breathing ocean air this weekend like yeah I get why they used to tell hysterical women to go by the sea

been doing a lot of unintentional reflecting and idk im kinda scared at the possible clarity the goddamn ocean air has injected into my brain

ive talked a lotta shit about how my horrible ex friend made going to the coast every weekend with her boring ass nothing burger bf her personality but now that ive been here ...... it's not the coast's fault terrible ppl enjoy great things