300 dollars

some of y'all think you the beast... nah you mr beast

my iron deficiency is so bad that when i stood up too fast my blurring vision started playing bad apple

ive been taking heart medication for dogs to get over my public speaking anxiety and not only did it clear up my acne but it also made all of my joints stop working

sorry to all my friends but ive decided that salad dressing will be the best man at my wedding

they should make a lotion for sore throats. that you drink. throat lotion. hm. the sickos and freaks are here.

pulls sheet off of mysterious object in my basement to reveal i've built a time machine: get in. we're going back in time to make guy gender neutral.

the Beast does not concern itself with consistent mystery chest pains

happy pride month! make sure to tell your gay friends to get well soon because you know they got some sort of mysterious illness rn

when i sat down for lunch today i noticed there was a single tortilla chip in the chair across from me. i was able to have lunch with a dear friend of mine

neighbors kid got their hair stuck in our trampoline springs but the whole ordeal made me super overstimulated so i decided id deal with it tomorrow. when i woke up this morning the coyotes got em. this is the third member of my kids little league team we've lost to coyotes

cant afford to pay for daycare for my son anymore so now i'm teaching him how to syphon gas out of cars in parking lots so we can save more money to fund my pokemon card collection

being a hitman in theory would be cool but in reality i have to imagine its just the us government being like hey this guy is about to find a cure for diabetes can you kill him and burn his house down

s i m p squirrels in my pants

does the WNBA have a LeBronwyn

if im ever cursed with twins im cursing them back im naming them frog and toad

i eat a turkey sandwich at work everyday and they started calling me turked up white boy

czech lager got whimpering like a dachshund