Strawberry Fields Forever

Today the word “on” jumped out at me in this scripture, Lord. It doesn’t say for, but on and in another version over. This means to me that you don’t just have love, and grace for me. You cover me with your compassion.

In my dark moments. When I feel like I failed you. When I’m disappointed in my own choices. You’d grace follows me and covers me. It gives me the courage to still come to You knowing that I’m an imperfect person covered by your perfect love.

I needed that reminder this morning, Lord. You know why. And yet I’m spite of my weakness and my self-doubt I hear You saying that I am meant for this moment. That nothing can separate me from the love that You have over my life or the purpose that You have called me for. I am so grateful to be held by You.

Oh Father, please give me a heart to be compassionate towards others. Please help me to check my biases and to keep my mind open. Please show me that the heart You gave me can be at its fullest and still succeed. Please help me to serve You and to serve others with courage and strength.

I want my faith to not be shaken. I want my fortitude to rise greater everyday. I will work and pray and seek You first Lord, because I know without a doubt I didn’t get here without You, and I don’t win without You.

Father I feel so encouraged today. I am so appreciative of Your love and the love of others that You have blessed me with. I continue to be so in love with You Lord. So enchanted by your grace and mercy.

In Jesus’ Name I Pray,

This morning after my prayer a hummingbird flew right in front of me and lingered. It wasn’t afraid of me and just looked at me before eating some of my purple flowers.

They remind me of the beauty of God. God’s perfect creation. And how much more He loves me if He’s willing to care for each and every one of my little friends.

Today I say a prayer for our nation. Your people are tired. They are sick. Covid, racism, discrimination and civil unrest plague us without ceasing. How do we resist? How do we overcome this turmoil?

Your Word tells us to be anxious for nothing. To come to you through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving and You promise to give us peace.

Lord we are crying out for peace. I can’t remember the last time that we felt it, but I know that it exists. Your Word is always true. Always faithful.

Father help us to be strong and courageous. To take heart. To wait on you. Help us to believe in a better future.

Father I pray that today evil will not stand. Evil will not win. We need your divine intervention of love. Father help us to love. Help us to forgive. Help us to remember where our true help comes from.

You are mighty to do it Lord! There is no one like you! You are our benevelont ruler. Our peace supreme. Our caretaker and provider. Please cover us Lord. Have Your way!

Father hear my prayer in Jesus’ name,

Standing in front of a hotel and realizing that I live in a place that people vacation.

I talked to my family. I got to FaceTime with my beautiful nieces. I went to Downtown Disney and saw the Chadwick Boseman mural and had lunch with one of my best friends. I got to have a picnic with my dog’s daycare Mom, Angie, and they sang to me. They lit candles that I blew out.

I didn’t wish for anything, because truthfully I have everything that I could ever want or need. I have so much love and light in my world. I am eternally grateful for the life that God has given me.

Tonight I was thinking about my life, and all of the people I’ve met and interacted with. All of the painful and joyous moments sprinkled throughout my 31 years.

I randomly stumbled upon a memory specific to this blog. I think that it was right after my first trip to San Francisco. In awe and inspired I made some resolutions about what I wanted for my life, and where I wanted to be.

Not too many people comment on my blog, but that time someone did. In essence some random person told me that if I was being honest with myself I would know that I’m full of crap. That I make all of these plans and have so many dreams when in reality I do very little with any of it.

Today I ran a few miles by the Pacific Ocean. I drove to and from work with my windows down to a campus where people played basketball outside in shorts today. I came home to my puppy laying on my balcony staring through the palm trees ahead.

That dream I had, that I put out into the universe in 2014 or 2015 has become a reality. By God’s Grace I live in California. A dream I didn’t think would happen until maybe I retired has come true. Now. I can’t even believe it. I feel so blessed and grateful and excited.

Father,

You have given me so much in my life to be grateful for. You’ve given me Jesus. My light. My Emmanuel. My comforter. You Lord, my sword and salvation. I wouldn’t be who I am today, and I wouldn’t have anything that I have without you. Thank you for being my constant source of joy. I know that You are always with me. YOU are my peace.

You’ve given me my friends, family, and dog which are all sources of joy. I pray that you help me to grow those relationships. And to develop new ones in this new season.

You’ve given me California. In some way, shape or form I will be there next year. You’ve made my dream come true and now it’s my job to trust that you will continue to make a way for me there.

You’ve given me my sobriety. The possibility to go through this life without numbing myself. Thank you for the gift of being sober of mind and body.

You’ve given me security. I don’t have everything that I want, but I have more than what I need. I pray that you would help me to want less and to appreciate what I have more and more.

In any place I will experience trouble. The Bible tells me this. But you tell me to have courage for YOU have overcome the world. I know that there is nothing in this world that You and I can’t handle together. And I am so grateful for that.

I’m over half way through my 30th year, and I feel the need to reflect as I sit in my car enjoying my abbreviated lunch break.

I rang in my birthday last year feeling the weight of guilt and shame for a toxic relationship I was in with someone who would deeply hurt me in the following months.

The beginning of the year was filled with grief and heartache. I struggled to know who I was or where I was going. I fell into a depression that affected every area of my life. I stopped eating. I fixated my mind on my work to stave off the crippling feeling of pain I experienced in every moment. My car was gone. My apartment was in jeopardy. I couldn’t even muster enough strength to pay my bills nevertheless walk my puppy who deserves nothing but my best.

When all hope seemed lost I did the only thing I knew could change the trajectory of my course. I prayed. I prayed in the mornings, throughout the day, with friends and church members, and at night. I prayed without ceasing. My feelings didn’t change immediately, but I started to show up for life again.

In a few months I regained my strength and God began to really turn things around in my favor. The darkness that engulfed thoughts about myself and another person began to lighten. A few months more and thoughts of that person started to seem insignificant, were fewer, and held less weight. I started working with a personal trainer who is a man of God and he is helping me to be the best version of myself.

I enrolled in a class to finish my degree which is a major feat considering the circumstances of my debt to my former insutitution of learning. I made strides to clear that up as well. I kept praying. I prayed when the area of work I Love was taken from me and I was presented with two incredible opportunities that could only have been given by grace. I prayed when my knees felt weak and regained my strength. I prayed when my family was crumbling and God stretched me to be in connection with members who have intentionally distanced themselves from our family line.

Today, I feel so grateful. My life is not perfect and will never be perfect. I continue to fall short of God’s mercy and favor in my life, but His faithfulness endures. I can look at myself again and be gentle. I can offer myself forgiveness for my affronts on others and know with certainty that they don’t make me a bad person. And they are less! Sobriety has kept me from adding many individuals to my Amends list which is a beautiful indication that I’m doing my best to live in a way that doesn’t harm other people.

God’s nurturing love has been so beautiful in my life. He has showed up in my darkness and brought me back to the light. I am so grateful to know that I am a beautiful, growing child of God. Always open. Always seeking to know Him more through prayer and service to others.

Today I got to celebrate my Dad for Father’s Day and his birthday which is tomorrow.

When I think about the man I’m going to marry some day, I can’t help but think about my Dad. How I want that man to be kind like him. To have a heart for others like him. To share the love and appreciation for music in this world like my Dad gave me. To be funny and humble, and to love his children abundantly just like my Papa.

I am so thankful to be blessed with such an amazing Father who always cares and is always there for me. He consistently pursues his dreams and what is important to him and he is a great example of what hard work and dedication can do for a person.

I am finally back from my trip to Toronto. It was a doozy.

Toronto is a city that gets a lot of credit for being beautiful and filled with kind people and culture. I must admit that I don’t quite see the appeal.

I arrived without knowing that my hotel was an hour from the airport and from work. Several very expensive Lyft rides later I was reunited with a Canadian counterpart in HR who is absolutely lovely. That was one of three bright spots in my short trip.

The office of my Canadian company is right across the street from my ex’s office. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking of me as I was thinking of him. I noticed myself looking for him while I was in that space - half hoping to see him half terrified of what that encounter would bring. Luckily God had other plans and I never saw him.

A few very dangerous Lyft rides later and I was sexually harassed or assaulted in the car by a seemingly nice African man. As I left that car tears rolled down my face. Another married man trying to take advantage of my kindness. It all seemed like too much. I desperately searched for my brand of cigarette only to find that Canada banned menthol cigarettes in the Ontario province.

Then came the second bright spot. My AA meeting. It has been a long time since I met such kind, caring individuals. Or at least it seemed that way in the moment. It reminded me how thankful i am to have AA.

I woke up the next morning to find bites on my chest. My bed seemed to have bed bugs. As I made my way to the conference i was ready to go home. The conference was amazing. I felt inspired and grateful to be there and so hopeful that one day my functional role would transform to solely focus on the important work of diversity and inclusion.

Then came the flight. After a surprisingly quick run through customs I found out that my flight was delayed by over an hour. When I reached the plane we weee grounded for another 45 minutes. I was desperate for Home at that point.

Today was a no good, terrible, very bad day.

I woke up late, and as a result went into work late. But not before my manager texted me asking me to let her know when I was going to be late as I’ve been late “often.” Three times maybe this year I’ve been “late” which means about 15 minutes after she arrives - which is typically an hour after I usually arrive. No question as to why I was late, or asking if everything was OK. No, just to let her know since I’ve been late “often.” Gotcha.

If only the day got better from there. Another day of working myself ragged for a company that won’t promote me although I’m eligible for promotion. Taking on even more responsibility than usual, I was somehow able to stay focused enough to understand that I’m overwhelmed.

My usual happy moment of the day comes with my dog. We went for a long walk and then I went off to therapy where we discussed how much I am dreading going to Toronto for work. The mere thought of being in a place with my lying, manipulating ex boyfriend makes my skin crawl. Working through that for an hour was a nice topping to my day.

But the icing on the cake came upon my return home. My puppy, who I’ve started leaving out of her crate like an idiot, chewed my brand new, beautiful shoes to pieces. The shoes I’ve worn twice. The shoes that garner compliments everywhere they go. The leather pieces were everywhere. I looked online thinking I’d just purchase them again and then remembered I don’t have $126 to spend again on brand new shoes.

I’m in a place where I want to cry. Where everything feels so overwhelming and I feel like I’m not adulting well enough and my Aunt Sally is in town to boot. And yet I can’t produce a single tear. The only silver lining moment came on my balcony a few moments ago. I realized that in spite of it all I haven’t thought once about drinking. Four years and some change later and that’s still a blessing.

My favorite flower is in full blossom! Despite the tyranny of snow that is relentlessly defying the announcement of spring, they are rising.

Today I reflected on why I love daffodils so much. I thought about their beauty and how their trumpet quietly welcomes a new season. They are unremarkable flowers. Before they bloom they could easily be mistaken for weeds. Yet when they open they are resilient, and bring color to barren life generally surrounding them this time of year. And just like that they are gone, almost in an instant, until they’re ready for the next spring season.

Realizing I don’t know much about them I looked to the same page I’ve been using since my junior year of high school - Wikipedia. I discovered that they’re a part of the Narcissus genus. Narcissus is a Greek mythology character that was obsessed with beauty. He found everyone around him ordinary until he found his own reflection which captivated him. Mesmerized he stared into his reflection until death.

It amazes me how such a simple flower could be associated with such a complex character. The irony caused me to think about my own life. My pride and obsession with beauty. The realization that there is beauty in the mundane. The will of both the flower and the man to rise in all circumstances. The fact that all things come to an end, all seasons finish, and there’s always room for new perspectives and new life.