A Disturbance In Agustria

Like, SQQ cares a loooot about maintaining his own image, to the outside and also to himself: usually, in male characters like that, especially those with SQQ's brand of toxic masculinity, that would mean an intense preference for being In Control at all times - being The Doer, The Protector, The Pleaser, etc.

But, SQQ has... huge hang-ups about sex, for starters. He can accept finding women attractive, but actually acting on that would clash against his self-perception as above the kind of sex-crazed PIDW fans he contrasts himself to. And being attracted to men is just - weird! Kind of a perversion!! Whilst SQQ is 'normal.'

But also, he's fascinating in that a lot of his toxic masculinity is projected outwards onto Binghe. Binghe was created to be a male power fantasy, and SQQ says that sort of thing scornfully, but he obviously internalises it a lot more than he realises. So long as he's submitting to Binghe, it doesn't really 'count', because Binghe is this supernatural, platonic ideal of Manliness, so it's like - bottoming for Caesar. Like, it'd be more scandalous to make *him* do it, you know?

And so, SQQ's perception of their sex life is that Binghe wants him, because he's Into Men Now, which SQQ doesn't entirely like partly because he feels like that's his own fault. But at least he can do it in a Manly way, y'know? Still basically acting like a conqueror? And SQQ 'has no choice' but to go along with it! He wants Binghe to be happy and get everything he wants and not be traumatised. And so sometimes Binghe pesters him into sex and he gives in and allows it because it's Binghe and it's totally just some singular exception he keeps making repeatedly and at the end of the day everyone gets to maintain their Peerless Cucumber-assigned roles <3

But is Binghe were to invert that...? Were to want SQQ to be the one to give the orders for real, and not just in some vague play of being the Shizun that SQQ wants to abandon immediately as soon as things actually get sexy because it implies too much actual Responsibility for him...? (Because, yeah: he hates being called Shizun in bed because it makes him sound like a creepy old man, but!! He still was and kind of still is Binghe's Shizun!! That doesn't stop being true just because Binghe uses another title!! But SQQ is heavily in denial that he maintains any actual, like, emotional power over Binghe, instead mostly just - assuming that Binghe will manipulate for anything he really wants and that'll be the end of it.)

Then, suddenly, SQQ has to face himself, just a little bit. What does make him horny? What about Binghe is he attracted to? Could it be that he kind of is into it, in a sex way, when Binghe pampers him? (Which doesn't necessarily mean that he was into it that way when Binghe did that as a disciple!! But... Binghe probably was into it that way, at least a bit, back then. which - is a reasonable source of Weird Feelings in him.)

It also means... actually having to think properly about Binghe's feelings, for once: like, not in the sense of capitulating immediately at his every request, but in terms of thinking about whether what Binghe says or how he acts is ever maybe not the full story! Whether there might be things that SQQ could do differently, or communicate better about, or challenge his own preconceptions over.

This is something I've seen explored so, so fascinatingly in Mellicindi's fics: in this one, Binghe learns about safe words, and it actually causes such a shift in the dynamic, because before this, Binghe was having to just - track SQQ's emotions to an intensive level every time they had sex, making sure he didn't go too far whilst SQQ could just lie back and take it. Now, suddenly, he didn't need to hyper-analyse every one of SQQ's muttered admonishments; so long as SQQ didn't say the word, he could actually kind of enjoy the moment, relieved and reassured that SQQ was actually sincerely into it. (And in fact, meant that he could maybe even focus a bit more on what he did/didn't want!!) Meanwhile, SQQ was forced to face himself, and what things Binghe did actually weren't things he'd stop if he had the option: that even as embarrassing as he found it all, he couldn't affectionately/half-seriously blame Binghe for it. He was there, having sex with him, because he enjoyed it.

And then this fic, where things go sideways before they can get better (it's listed as incomplete, but IMO the main emotional arc - however unintended it may have been for the author, lol - is complete as of the finished chapters, with whatever would come next being mainly happy porny epilogue), Binghe tries to organise a scene where he'd be the one being pursued, but SQQ just... can't seem to get his head around it, and is a bit *too* off-put by the scenario (but too used to going along with things to veto it entirely), and so keeps defaulting back to rejecting Binghe until Binghe leaves him with no choice. Which - actually ends up being really emotionally distressing?? Partly because Binghe established the scene as a way to try to soothe his anxieties and feel wanted and desired and loved, but SQQ keeps doing the exact opposite, plunging Binghe into negative states even though he's the vulnerable one and just kinda leaving it up to him to fix that for himself. And partly because... it puts an onus on Binghe to kinda-sorta force him. Which. Not everyone wants to do!!! (Like, the whole reason SQQ feels uncomfortable is because he feels like he's the one forcing Binghe... but he doesn't have the state of mind to understand that Binghe would feel the same way!!! And maybe wanted, just this once, to NOT be the one doing that!!!)

Being the dom - being the one in power - is responsibility. And, like, honestly: we all should be assuming more responsibility for the sub, as well, to be aware of their dom's feelings and maybe check-in and provide aftercare etc. But the presumption very often is that the sub can just kinda Let Go while the dom does everything - including the emotional labour to make things enjoyable and not-not-enjoyable for the both of them.

Usually, in BingQiu, it is overwhelmingly Binghe doing that sort of thing: trying to understand Shen Qingqiu's feelings, and then trying to manipulate and shift and change them, inserting himself as someone who SQQ will want to keep around. And he takes so much of that on in part because SQQ finds that very convenient: Binghe can just hyperanalyse everything, and SQQ can float through the world without having to do the most discomforting thing possible for him: truly question his own mental assertions and understanding of the world (including - especially - himself).

But... that's a lot of work. And Binghe, more than anything else he has ever felt, wants Shen Qingqiu to love him.

For Binghe to play a submissive role is easy and common: he loves his Shizun, would do anything for him, lives for his praise and seeks his counsel whenever possible. But in certain respects - the most important respects - Shen Qingqiu maintains this as a shallow, purely aesthetic play, expecting Binghe to initiate anything undeniable romantic or sexual.

If Binghe could let go of that responsibility for just a little while... If Shen Qingqiu would have to create a mental image of what he wants from their relationship... Hell, if Shen Qingqiu would have to watch Binghe's reactions, and make decisions, and think about whether Binghe enjoyed something or not, and actually believe in it even when it doesn't fit into SQQ's initial mental image of him...

If Shen Qingqiu could take some responsibility for their relationship, rather than treating it as something that merely 'happened' to him, that he just 'happens' to find good and loving and sexually pleasurable...