both my sister and I have been extremely overwhelmed and stressed the past few weeks. she had a panic attack tonight which was triggered by my behaviour. the last time she had a panic attack 2 years ago was a very, very dark chapter in which a spate of panic attacks, anxiety, depression, extreme insomnia for a month (resistant to heavy medication even) rendered her on the brink of suicide. i feel quite terrified now, remembering that time, and trying not to focus on my self-loathing because it’s not about me and the priority is to make sure that she is ok and safe. I have no idea how to support her. giving her space as she currently wants

The incarnate Ibn Sina confesses he is in love with me. We have just spent hours in the library pouring over Ibn Arabi. He draws me a diagram of the celestial spheres, shaped like an onion. I still needs to figure out how to make you happy, he tells me. No one has ever said that to me before. I admit to him that I am confused, and he is confused by my confusion. Says, if you are still unsure, it means that you probably don’t return my feelings. The thing is, I have no idea what love is, and there are 4 men who offer me different futures, different selves to become. Later that evening, I am with a man I do not love, and he tells me that a friend of his has just died by suicide. He shows me a photograph of her and begins to cry softly. I hold him in my arms. While I am in bed, I think about the philosopher, and bury my face full of tears into the pillow so that he does not see me. The next day, my lover says “thank you for your care and support last night”. He is already trying to close the loop on it all.