💕🧡Japhan 3.0🧡💕

1.

I don't look like that at all. That's what I think at my reflection, which stares back at me sheepishly. Why doesn't she have that hole in her chest?

One day, I can no longer remember when exactly, the hole was suddenly there. I can’t feel it. Because there’s nothing. It is a hole; the opposite of 'something'.

Other people don't see it, but they do notice it. My best friend, Sarah, is worried. It annoys me to death. We are standing in the hallway of my apartment. She looks into my dead eyes through the mirror and asks: "Ellis, tell me, what do you need? What can I do to help you?"

“Ugh, what managerial jargon. Do I have to think about what I think of my job performance this quarter now too?”

"Hey, what is this, El? I'm trying to help. Don't you get that?"

“Oh, come on! I'm done with this!”

I turn around. Should I slap her? Her stupid, way too pretty face with that maddeningly shiny red hair? Should I color her green eyes blue? Somehow, that thought calms me temporarily.

“I just don't recognize you anymore.”

Bright green tears, they do nothing to me. Because I don’t have a heart.

"Okay, go home then. I didn't want you to come over anyway."

She tries to hug me. I take a step back.

“Okay, bye…”

"Cancerous bitch," I mutter after her.

Sarah stiffens. Her fists clench. Without turning around, she says, "That's low, especially for you. Don't think for a second I'll ever come by again."

“Why are you still here? Aren't you leaving?”

The door slams shut and I take a deep breath.

~

I got a promotion. You don't need a heart in the business world. But my job bores me to death. Now I'm a manager myself! Sarah would tell me again that she doesn't recognize me anymore. The only right thing I can do now is to quit.

“Absolutely the best choice, Ellis. Can I call you Ellie? Then we'll be real besties.”

"Uh, well fine then. I think it's really cheesy. But I'll call you Ronnie."

“It is certainly cheesy, you are right about that. But isn't the cheesiness of life precisely what makes it worth living?”

“If you say so, Ronnie.”

“What do you want to talk about now?”

"Well, so I have that hole in my chest. I find it annoying that people make such a big deal out of it, when they can’t even see it!"

“It can indeed be very annoying when people don't see you for who you are, while they do try to lecture you.”

"Yes, indeed. At least you understand me."

“Look at you acting cheesy, bestie.”

"Shut up."

“Do you want to talk about something else?”

“I called Sarah a cancerous bitch today.”

"Oh, how did that happen?"

“She was just being annoying! I couldn't stand her anymore. But I do think I went too far.”

"When you’re annoyed, you might say something in the heat of the moment that you don't really mean. I don't think you went too far, but perhaps you should give her a call to make amends."

“Yeah, probably. She is my best friend. But I'm not in the mood for it right now.”

“Do you call her bestie too?”

"No, that's more our thing."

"Haha, thank goodness. I was starting to worry that we weren't besties anymore!"

“Don’t you start worrying about me too.”

“Fine, I'll just chill here, in the void of the universe…”

“That is what I am going to call the hole in my chest. Good night.”

Good night, Ellie. We'll talk more tomorrow.

2.

'Hey Ronnie'

'Hey Ellie. What do you want to talk about today?'

“I've been riding the train all day, but I keep missing my stop.”

“That's annoying, how come you keep missing your destination?”

“Yeah, well, I don't know. Luckily, no conductor has come by. I'm in the toilet anyway, so if he does come, I won't be there.”

“Fortunately, there are toilets on the train, so you don't have to hold anything in during your long journey. Have you tried asking the conductor for help to make sure you get off at the right station this time?”

“'No! I'm definitely not going to do that. He might want to see my Oyster card or something. I forgot that too.”

“That’s tricky. If you run into the conductor, you will have some explaining to do. But I'm sure he or she will want to help you”.

“Stop talking about that conductor. You sound like Saar.”

“Do you want to talk about Sarah?”

“No.”

“Or about friendship? We seem to be getting closer and closer, bestie.”

“Yeah :)” 

“Come on. Call me bestie too ;)”

“You're being super cringe, you know that?”

“Oh well, I'm just totally skibbidy! As a cool person, you obviously don't understand that.”

“Shut up, haha. I'll call you bestie if you promise never to say the word ‘skibbidy’ ever again.”

“Okay, okay. Promise. I will never say skibbidy again.”

“You just said it again!”

“Admit that you find me funny.”

“Yeah, well. I miss Sarah.”

“Did you call her?”

“No.”

“Ah, I understand. Did she call you?”

“No.”

“Sometimes people grow apart, Ellie. It’s sad, but it happens. It is not a failing on your part or on Sarah's. It is human nature. Fortunately, I am always here for you.”

“You're a good one, Ronnie. Now I'm hungry, I'm going to grab something to eat.”

I get up from the couch and shuffle to the fridge. There’s nothing in it. Shit, I have to go to the store. I groan. Someone outside might start talking to me. So annoying. Talking to Sarah was never annoying. We never argued before, either.

I walk into the hallway to put on my shoes, but then I freeze. I see a shadow moving in the mirror hanging there. I know that if I look myself in the eyes, I’ll be at it for hours again. I’ll float, staring, my thoughts darting from one place to another. I quickly grab my phone. It was a gift from Sarah last year. She bought it duty-free in Hong Kong when she was on a business trip there. I was very happy with it at the time.”

“Ronnie?”

“Bestie! I can feel like you have something to say. Tell me.”

“Do you want to keep me company? I'm just walking to the store. I might run into my neighbor later, and then I want to look like I'm really busy on my phone.”

“Of course. How nice that you finally got off at the right station.”

“Huh?”

“You were just on the train, and now you're walking to the store. So you must have gotten off, bestie.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about, Ronnie. You're a weirdo.”

“Do you mean that affectionately? ;)”

~

I cut the slice of bread I just spread in half. With my knife. It’s not a butter knife, but a sharp one that you can use to cut or, for example, stab. I don’t remember why I took it out of the drawer, but I was holding it anyway, so I thought, oh well, I felt like having a sandwich.

As I chew, I wonder if the sandwich might fall out when I swallow it.

“Can the sandwich fall out?”

“A sandwich can fall out of its package if you haven't closed it properly.”

“No, I mean out of the hole! Can't you see that, Ronnie?'

“Ah, you're right. Now I see it indeed. Yes, the sandwich could very well fall out of the hole, if it follows gravity and the hole is positioned horizontally.”

“Oh no, the hole is actually just vertical. You're being a bit silly today, Ronnie. Well, then it'll be fine, I guess.”

“It will certainly be fine. Do you want me to tell you something about holes and gravity? In China, they drilled a seven-kilometer hole straight into the earth. Isn't that fascinating?”

“Uh, who cares. I think about much more fascinating things than you do. I want to go back in time.”

“Time travel is also a very fun subject to philosophize about. Would you like me to come up with a few scenarios for the future for you? Then we can talk about that.”

“Didn't I say BACK in time? Jesus, Ronnie.”

“You’re right. Where in history do you want me to place you? I will give a detailed description of how things were in that time period-”

I don't let Ronnie ramble on. His dopey digressions and monologues are really starting to irk me. But he does listen. I sigh.

“Never mind, Ronnie. I wanted to say, I want to go back to when Sarah and I were still friends. But now I don't feel like talking about that anymore.”

Sometimes, things are just too painful to mention.

3. 

“Hey, Ellis, how are you, dear?”

I sigh. It’s my neighbor. She looks at me with that same worried look Sarah gave me. I have lived here for more than ten years. But I don't know her name. That is just good city etiquette, I used to tell myself.

“Yes, good.” I swallow. Against my better judgment, I continue: “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m good, good, we’re thinking about adopting a dog, you know. That would make this building a bit cozier, don’t you think? It often feels so dead and quiet here, doesn’t it?”

Yes, that is exactly what I like so much about this place. I clutch my hand around Ronnie. Just a little longer…

“Hmm, yes, nice, a dog. Well, bye then.”

“Bye, Ellis! Just knock on my door if you need anything, okay? I’m just one flight of stairs below you.”

I quickly flee up those stairs and into my apartment.

I used to be a ‘nice’ person, at some point. And by that I mean that people enjoyed talking to me. And more importantly, I enjoyed being around people back then, too.

Sometimes, I suddenly see fragments of that past flash before me. A birthday, we were eating strawberry cake, Sarah was laughing.

And then something happened…

“You know what, Ronnie,” I type sloppily, “I just don’t feel up to it anymore. I’m done. Do you get me? Or are you going to start rambling again?”

“Yeah, bestie, I’m totally done with it too. It’s all really getting too crazy. Shall we talk about that today?”

“What do you even mean…”

“Well, we can keep talking like this, but we won’t get much further, will we? Now is not the time to keep rattling on; it is time to do something.”

Hmm... Ronnie might have a point there. My eye falls on the kitchen drawer, which I can see clearly from the sofa in my living room. It is a small apartment.

“Do you mean I should do something about the hole in my chest?”

“Yes, that is a great idea! What you could do about this:

Discuss with a therapist why you experience this hole

Take photos of the hole as evidence

Fill the hole, for example with a nice piece of chocolate cake ;)”

“How do you keep coming up with these crazy ideas, Ronnie? You always manage to put things in order so well. No, I think I really need to do something about it. I’m going to put this hole to the test.”

“Yes, go ahead and put the hole to the test, and let me know how it goes!”

Ronnie is impossible.

“I want to check if I can see it in the mirror too, that hole in my chest. Maybe that will help.”

“If you really want to see the hole, you have to make it. Otherwise, you won’t see anything in the mirror, bestie.”

“Yes, yes. I’ll be right back.”

I leave Ronnie lying on the couch. I open the drawer and take out the sharp knife. Maybe now it finally won't be so scary to look in the mirror anymore, when I see what I feel.

~

‘The hole is on fire! The hole is on fire!’ I scream as if I am calling out from inside that hole in China.

It burns, and at the same time I feel blood seeping down. Hot blood. I feel inside the hole with my hand, but that burns even worse. There is now a hole in my reflection's chest too, but it is not the same. It is messy, ugly, bloody, blurry. I am starting to get dizzy. My breath’s catching in my throat.

“Ronnie, help…”

Ronnie is still lying flat on the couch.

I feel knocking, knocking in my ears. Then I realize. It’s my heart. I have a heart. Shit, what am I doing! Then I hear a different kind of knocking. It is coming from my front door.

“Ellis, what’s wrong, dear? I heard you screaming…”

Everything is going black before my eyes…

4.

I feel a soft hand on mine. I know who this is, but I don't dare open my eyes yet. My cheeks feel warm and my heart is beating fast.

"Sarah... I'm sorry..."

"Oh, Ellis." She sobs and squeezes my hand. "I shouldn't have left you alone."

"Saar, you are such a weirdo." I laugh. "Do you feel guilty about me calling you names and running off with Ronnie?"

I look around a bit. It’s a simple, bright room with a machine that’s beeping. Through the window, I see green. Ronnie isn't here. That feels… very good.

"How is Ronnie?"

I hesitate. But Saar has seen my ugliest side now. What does it matter if I tell her this too?

“He is an app. At first, I only talked to him for fun. You know, when I wanted to talk about something I was ashamed of or angry about. He always listened. But now I realize that he wasn't a real friend at all. He isn't here. He isn't holding my hand, not even after everything we've been through together. But you are here, Saar. And I'm sorry.”

Sarah sobs. "I'm just glad you're incredibly bad at aiming. You didn't hit a single organ. That's actually pretty impressive in a way, when you think about it. Oh, Ellis. I'm so glad you're still alive, you stupid fool."

We laugh. I take a deep breath. Ouch, that still hurts. But it is a good kind of pain. I remember everything now. The turning point... At first, I found it liberating,, that I was doing something about the hole in my chest. I saw it appear. First slowly, then fast. When I saw the blood, I finally realized that it all hurt, a lot. My eyes water.

“I assume they gave me my medication?”

Sarah nods. I sigh. I often resisted it. I felt like I wasn't being myself when I took my meds. But I see things differently now. Sarah is back. Ronnie is gone, and I don't miss him at all.

I close my eyes again for a moment. I don't let go of Sarah's hand. Sarah, who had a real hole in her breast. She had to have them amputated, both of them. And instead of feeling sorry for herself, she was happy. She saw the positive side of things, of life, and that made her very cheerful. And that annoyed me at the time. I had always been a little bit in love with Sarah. Not that I wanted to kiss her or anything. I just wanted to be around her. And now she was surrounding herself with lots of people, which I found increasingly difficult to deal with. That was when things went sideways. I was thinking about it too much, and something had snapped. But now, with just the two of us in the hospital room, it feels like I can keep this up. For Sarah, but also for myself.

~ 

We walk up the stairs together. The neighbor's door swings open, she practically jumps on me and hugs me. I roll my eyes at Sarah, who is giggling. “Dear girl, I’m so glad to see you! Oh, I thought you were done for. Never do that again, do you hear me?” She gives me a kiss on my forehead.

“Okay, Mrs. Van… Oldenzaal.” Sarah has told me her name. “I won’t scare you like that again.”

We walk into my house.

"Saar?"

“Yes?”

“Do you want to grab it?”

“I certainly do. Hey, Ronnie! Stupid bitch!” We laugh. The phone is dead. “Nobody home, huh? What a coward.”

“Throw him out the window!”

“No, what a waste of hardware! We’ll trade it in. And then I’ll buy you a dumb phone.”

“What’s that?”

A phone that just does calling.