HARVEST MOON

“Felix.” The name is said quietly and Eli can’t feel anything but concerned for the young vampire. He has seen so many young vampires in his lifetime, he’s made a few of them. Things were different then, he would feed and turn without remorse, he had nothing in him but anger and the need to please those who had turned him. He’d been naive in life, he’d been kind, and he’d been led to slaughter by his own family. But Felix had been good, he was good, and Eli had seen his type before. Some people weren’t meant to be vampires. “You’re too good for all this.” It’s less of a means of conversation, he’s thinking out loud. “To be doing all this.” 

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The words made him feel uncomfortable, as though there was no easy words to volley back in response. You’re too good for this. He had been raised in a way that promised him that he was never too good for anything, and in turn he had learned to be grateful for each thing that had been given to him: nothing was guaranteed and even less was promised to a man who had died on that ranch those years ago, whose life had leeched away in flood of red. His brows tugged in and Felix looked down at his shoes, studying them intently to avoid whatever way Eli was looking at him. Still, words threatened to rise from his throat and he let them. “I miss the sunshine, feeling my heart race—“ Dark eyes squeezed shut, “Being this is a numbing, nothing feels the way it did.”

     “Hi Felix,” Noah offered with a warm smile, slowly loosening up. Maybe this wasn’t so bad — at least he didn’t have to eat alone like this, and that was the only thing he really wanted because of how much he hated being alone. He leaned forward slightly when the vampire did, but he did not expect the question. Noah looked at him for another moment, but decided that he seemed nice enough to share it. “I’m a phoenix.” His voice was low, but his smile was still warm. “Have you never met one before?” Maybe he was new to this, Noah had simply met a lot of vampires who knew what he was without having to ask. But he had to admit, he preferred being able to give away his truth himself.

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A phoenix. The vampire’s brows shot up and he tried to avoid the expression of awe that seemed to settle on his features— dumbstruck was an easy description for it, but he shook his head at the question volleyed back to him. “No, I don’t really know what it is.” A bird associated with fire, that much he had gathered from history books and movies, wasn’t there one in Harry Potter? It turned out that there was much about this world that he had yet to discover, but Noah didn’t seem threatening in any way, instead his magic had a pull that was warm and bright and ultimately— good. “Have you been one a long time?”

    “Of course.” Freya offered Felix a warm smile, knowing this was not a decision to be made lightly. But she could see something in him, something more than what a vampire’s life had to offer. So the least she could do for all his help was to offer him this chance should he want it. “You can take all the time you need to think about this. The offer will stand as long as you need it. And if you want me to ask for it, just let me know and I’ll take care of it.”

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“I just—“ This was far too generous, he wanted to say, and it was also overwhelming. He had half figured that most of his life forward would result in his learning how to live while being what he was. Something parasitic, someone cold and without a beating heart or warm blood. “My sire, I want to tell him.” Felix’s brows drew in as he looked ahead, “I don’t want him to be disappointed, you know? He’s done so much for me already.”

There’s something weighing on his progeny, that’s easy to see from the way that Felix carries himself. It makes him slightly concerned, but Cal waits silently rather than speaking, allowing Felix to say what is on his mind rather than attempt to drag it out for himself. He isn’t expecting what the young vampire has to say, though, Cal’s expression softening into one of surprise. Oh. “There is,” he confirms easily, there is no reason to lie about such a thing. Hyacinth’s offer echoes in the back of his mind as he looks down upon Felix. “Is that something you want?”

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Felix looked away, unsure if he wanted to catch the weight of Cal’s stare. The other vampire was an intimidating figure all on his own, though he had never been so to the younger of the two— he now felt the prickle of nerves and the weight of worry: would he be disappointed? “Yes,” he said aloud, for the first time since Freya had offered it as something that was possible. He looked out at the sea, and the land below them and he then turned his gaze to his maker. “It’s not the same,” he said, and his tone was mournful. “I know it’s greedy to want it, when I should just be grateful to be alive but—“ The sun was a whisper against his skin, but as a vampire he could scarcely feel the heat of it. “I miss being alive, I’m worried about losing all the things that make me human.”

    Emily didn’t think she could compare herself to Felix. At least he still had a solid form, a solid life. She depended entirely on memories to keep existing. “It’s whatever,” she said quietly, as if trying to discard the point that couldn’t convince her anyway. “You were scared of being loved?” Maybe that was exactly what Emily felt right now. She was afraid to be loved, afraid of what that could mean. “I guess I can understand that. No one’s ever said it to me but… I can imagine it’s scary.”

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You were scared of being loved? Felix didn’t lift his gaze, keeping it pressed upon his shoes. It was strange, to hear it said aloud: his deepest insecurity, the fear that had lead to some of his biggest regrets. He had thrown away his heart and now went chasing after the memory of it in pretty faces that passed him by, the vampire let out a breath. “I’m still scared of it. Maybe less so now,” he finally stole a glance of Emily’s features. “I know what it’s like to be without, and I think it’s more scary.”

“You’re not wrong.” Emma offered, Felix had a point and it wasn’t that she was in any way ungrateful, only that helping her had meant killing a fury. An act that wasn’t likely to have consequences down the line, and still, he had chosen to help her just the same, Emma would always be grateful for that. “It’s very good, I’ll give you full credit.” The vampire offered, he was sweet, and charming and maybe too good for the longevity that came with this lifestyle. There was a part of her that felt bad for him, or maybe that was only because she saw some of herself in him. She’d been young once, too. Too young to die, anyways. “I think you could call us cousins.” Emma said with a smile, “I’d be happy with that, anyways.”

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Felix beamed, reaching over to top off Emma’s glass before doing so with his own. He had missed these sorts of things, having guests over by the ranch and sitting out in the breezy porch with them, talking about nothing while they enjoyed the warmth and the sweet taste of lemonade. Life could be simple, even if at current: it was anything but. “I’ll have to add it to my resume, ranch hand, farmer, and professional lemonade maker.” He leaned back in his chair, nodding. “Cousins then. I don’t have any in Corinth, it’s nice to be so close to family.” Felix paused, “That is if you’re planning on staying here. Are you just visiting?”

Roman wondered if the other knew how easy it was for him to unravel. The earth witch liked to think he was as calm and sturdy as the element that he could control, but there were times that he felt more like he could barely control it. His abilities made him drain energies from others, but Felix had been immune to that. He couldn’t drain from the dead, only the living. Roman had felt safest with the vampire, even as his heart remained unbeating within his chest. He leaned into Felix, the cowboy hat on his head still hanging on for dear life. He raised his hand to keep it steady, only taking it off when he was close enough to bury his face into the other’s neck.

The other’s words against his ear made him clutch Felix a bit tighter, the cowboy hat now in his free hand. The other wasn’t getting it back just yet, he’d have to wait until Roman decided he could have it back. The earth witch pulled back finally, putting the hat back onto his own head, “I’m here for you, you know.” Maybe he hadn’t made that clear enough the first time, and he held Felix’s hand in both of his, shirt forgotten. “Whatever you need. Together.”

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Felix watched the hat slip away until Roman gripped at it, taking it off before he ultimately pulled it back over his curls, looking out at him from under the brim. He had to be careful with his touch, the witches’ was fierce— but he was delicate and a vampire’s couch brush bones like glass, he didn’t dare pull Roman in with the same amount of force. The heady scent of his skin and the network of veins and blood that sat underneath made him let out a breath that he didn’t need to hold: it was strange, all of these little human notions that he hadn’t of been willing to let go of. Eli and Cal had been what they were for so long, but eh still remembered what it was like to be human, to feel everything.

He lifted the hand, pressing it to his lips. “I wish that I was more,” Felix admitted, and the words were something wounded. “You deserve so much more.” More than someone dead, more than a parasite: but this time those thoughts would not be invasive enough to draw him away. Instead, it would be reason for him to stay tethered there, to work until he was someone that Roman could be proud of, or until he was someone that was proud to be the witches’ equal.

Roman felt the heat rush to his cheeks, but what could he say? Felix knew the story. The coven feared his power, so they pushed him from their ranks – from his family. Not even his mother wished to be seen with him, too distraught over the loss of her niece by her son’s hand. But the witch didn’t say anything, since he knew what Felix meant. He sucked in a breath when the other said he’d stay, and for a few moments, Roman felt like he was waiting for the catch. When it didn’t come, Roman’s gaze finally met the molten pair of the vampire’s. 

Instead of saying anything else, he pushed the tip of the cowboy hat that had been placed on his head up, closing the distance between the two with a soft kiss. It wasn’t one of desperation, just slow re-memorization – he knew Felix’s body like he knew his own, and he put his hands on the other’s face, pulling him closer. There would be time for heated touches soon, but Roman wanted to feel once more. “Of course I want you to,” he breathed, breaking the kiss for much needed air. “Always.”

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The hat was too big for Roman’s head, but perched on the crown of curls it made him look boyish— shrouding the amber colour of his gaze when he looked up at Felix. The vampire could hear the thud of his heartbeat, it was something steady— like a war drum, and the focus upon it had him distracted enough that the kiss was a surprise. He paused, uncertain and unsteady before his own hands found the witches’ waist, gripping at him firmly: as if a changed mind would be all that he needed to dart away and leave him alone in that alley again.

He tasted warm, like sunshine on his tongue and it almost made Felix feel homesick as he deepened the kiss, closing his eyes to do so. It struck him then, how badly he wanted to be something warm as well, to be more than cool marble and cold touches, how despite how Roman gripped at his skin it would never leave a mark. There was no indicator, no reddened promise that someone had been there, someone had held him, that this had happened. His words brushed against the other’s mouth as he pressed his forehead to Roman’s, feeling him tuck in a desperate breath. “Then I’ll stay. We can try again, I’ll do better.” Felix pressed a kiss to the corner of the other’s mouth, and he trailed a line of them along a sharp jaw to the shell of his ear. “I promise.”

Cal’s head turns in his progeny’s direction, brow rising just slightly at the sort of hurried tone to Felix’s voice. He twists to face him, leaning his hands back against the wooden railing of the porch. “Of course,” his head nods lightly, eyes lingering on Felix’s face. There’s a nervous sort of edge to it, and for a moment, Cal cannot help but wonder what sort of trouble the young vampire has gotten himself into. Still, it’s better that Cal be aware of such things rather than attempting to hide it, so he does not intend to be unsympathetic. “Is there something that troubles you?”

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Felix rubbed at the back of his neck, unsure how to go about what it was that he wanted to ask. Perhaps it wasn’t even an ask— it was simply something that he thought Cal should know was on his mind, and he hoped that it wouldn’t disappoint him in the end, not when he had done so much for him in his short life time. “I—“ He let out a breath, a habit that he had held onto from being human, and he sat himself down in one of the chairs that was set on the balcony, looking up at his sire with his dark eyes. “I’ve been talking to Freya, and to Eli and,” he paused, biting his cheek. “Roman. There’s a way, I’ve learned, to make me human again.”

There was only his own breath between the two of them. With Felix so close, he could almost imagine the sound of his beating heart in the other’s ears. Every now and then, Roman used to hold on to the little things that Felix did. Whether or not he meant to. A breath here and there, a sigh for good measure – unnecessary, but so human, that it was amusing to see a vampire take those actions in the first place. The witch couldn’t help Felix define himself, but he could tell him how he saw him. “When I met you in Ibiza, I thought you were…a really, really bright time in my life, Felix. You saw me. I’d been alone for…years.” Roman was the first to reach out as the other closed the distance, his fingers curling into the fabric of the other’s shirt, all else forgotten. “And when you left, you took that with you. A part of me.” 

To know Felix had held onto it, well, it made Roman’s hazel eyes shine with the threat of too much emotion. “I was – I am happy with you, Felix.” He knew he was opening himself up for a rejection, a possibility that he would lose the one who’d taken his heart and ran away with it. Even the ridiculous cowboy hat on Felix’s head had brought back too many memories. Using it to flatten his curls, deciding he could pull one off – but only if it had belonged to Felix first. “I’d be happy if you stayed.”

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“I can’t imagine anyone not seeing you.” The words were honest, they were beyond cagey confrontations now — whatever walls he had built and twined barbed wire around had fallen around their feet and Roman was crawling over the rubble, peering at the man that he had once known; the parts of him that he had allowed the witch to see. Then, he was touching him and he could feel a silent heart seizing, clenching like a fist inside his chest, as if it desperately wanted to lurch from between his ribs and settle back in Roman’s hands, back where it belonged. You took that with you. Roman’s eyes carried the world and his hands held the rest and Felix found himself clambering for words.  No, he wanted to say; part of me has always belonged to you, I didn’t take anything, I left it all behind. That was for you, whatever it was worth.

But instead, he let the witch continue, ambling through words as he reached for the hat, tugging it onto his head to crush the curls that Felix liked so much and he swallowed drily, curving a hand around the other man’s jaw. His skin was warm; he felt like summertime, and everything sweet that came with it. “I’ll stay,” he murmured, and the words were a chain that he willingly tightened around his ankle. “If you want me to, I’ll stay.” The vampire’s eyes were dark, but they were serious. “No more running.”

Roman knew he had a choice to make. He could shoot Felix down, guard his heart in a way he never had before, or grab onto hope. That same hope he’d had for days, thinking that Felix would come back for him in Ibiza. That what they had was real, and meaningful. It had been to the witch. And now, he willed himself to believe that for once someone would choose him. Clutching the shirt tighter in his hands, he swallowed back his crippling fear of rejection. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he breathed, finally meeting Felix’s gaze. “I told you I loved you. I told you what you – I told you, already.” Roman knew he was repeating himself, but it was his anxiety getting the best of him. 

“I waited for you, and I was still – I was still waiting for you.” Even the few rolls in the sheets he’d had in Corinth had felt wrong. It’d helped him pass the time, reminded him that he could do something like that to feel things once more. Laila had been his support system, building him back up when he’d felt like he’d shattered into pieces. “Where do we go from here, Felix?”

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Felix watched the line of witches’ lower lip, before his gaze lifted to the dusky lashes that framed Roman’s familiar eyes. He could hear his heartbeat and it was something steady under his skin, summer-tanned and carrying the scent of an afternoon with in his herb garden, working with plants. He could sense all of this, but his own heart lay unbeating in his chest, caged by ribs that could have just as easily been steel rods, under flesh that was no more delicate than marble. Most days, the vampire felt numbed, but now he felt the wicked twist of his heart, as though it was trying to wrench itself free: it had never truly belonged to Felix, he realized, as soon as he had met Roman, it had known a home there.

He didn’t need to swallow, but a lump still sat in his throat. “I don’t want you to have to wait longer for me,” he said, and the words were miserable and forced. At his side, his hands formed fists and his jaw tightened to ward back any tremor of emotion that might cause them to shake. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t really know who I am, most days.” Felix stood close, enough to feel the warmth of Roman’s breath, but he didn’t dare touch him— he wouldn’t make it real, as long as they were apart he could almost imagine that this was a dream, something that he wanted to say in life but had never been brave enough to do. “I should have told you then.” Dark eyes lifted, and they changed from something the colour of mocha to something far more molten, “I think this is it for me, I think you’re it for me.” His brows tugged together and he pulled away from selfishness as it threatened to swallow him up. “You should be happy. You deserve that, even if it isn’t with me.”

Roman bristled at the comment, but it was gone before he even had time to act on it. Felix’s vampirism had never been the problem. The witch hadn’t found it as an issue, but he had a fragile heart, and there was only so much he could take. “Look, I’m sure you have plenty of other people you can see, Felix. I’m not naive, okay? Just – let me get over you the best I can without you making it more difficult.” He held up the jacket, finally meeting the other’s gaze, “Don’t thank me. You know you never have to.”

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Felix looked at Roman, watching as someone gentle steeled himself up, forming walls and twining barbed wire around them— intended purposefully for him to not scrabble over. It was what he deserved in the end, despite how it hurt. He tucked in a breath, filling a chest that didn’t need the oxygen, before letting it siphon out as dark eyes glanced back down at the toes of his shoes. His tongue ran over the sharp point of his incisor, and instead of swallowing down words, he choked them out. “I don’t want you to get over me.” Felix rubbed a hand over his arm, where the sleeve of his t-shirt was wrinkled from the jacket he had previously shrugged over it. “They’re—“ his brows drew in. “Those other people, they’re not you.”

     Once upon a time Emily had been interested in that as well. Energies, karma, crystals, dream interpretations, star constellations. But now she was dead, so how much of that really still applied to her, or was of importance to her? “I‘m dead. If anything, the only energy I attract is death.” The words were spoken quietly, because the reaper did not expect love to wait for her after her murder. And even if she did, she wasn‘t sure if she could accept it, too afraid of the consequences of her actions. “Why did you and your ex break up if you fit together so well?”

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“Don’t sell yourself short,” Felix said, looking at Emily with a brow raised. “I’m dead too, but I like to think I’m attracting some decent energy. At least you know, not all animated corpses and ghosties.” He nudged her shoulder, indicating that it was her that he meant when he referred to ghosts. The vampire sighed, rubbing at his jaw. “It was my fault. It was becoming real and it was going to be something—“ his boot toed at the earth, “He told me that he loved me and I ran. I didn’t know what to do, so I left it all behind.”

     Freya could see it, that maybe Felix would be happier as a human. He was a sun boy, an animal person, he loved things that made one feel alive. To doom someone like that into being a vampire seemed almost cruel. And she liked him enough to want to help, to make him find this way. “I know of one in the city. If we are lucky, they know of another.” Phobetos had said that they wanted to be her friend, and Freya had a feeling there were more than one oneiroi in this town. Even if Phobetos themselves didn‘t want to do it, maybe they could point her to someone who did. “If you want me to, I can contact them and ask if they are willing to help turn you back.”

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Felix looked out at the trail, at the way that the sun was beginning to cast a warm glow over the trees and the grasses that surrounded them. Soon, evening would fall over Corinth and the other vampires would walk out from the shadows to begin their trek through the night, relishing in the darkness while he watched from a window, wishing once again for morning to come. He gave Freya a smile. “I—“ Brows tugged in. “I’ve got to think about it.” He had to talk to Cal and Eli, he knew that for certain, it was a decision that he didn’t want to make without them. “Thank you,” Felix said, “That’s more than generous.”