that's messed up

Seven knew that she woke up way too early because it was still dark when she looked out the window. She should’ve been irritated that she didn’t get enough sleep, especially after a performance night, but there was a very good reason for her to feel happy about it. Said reason was sleeping soundly at her side, her red hair a mess, with strands falling onto her face. Seven couldn’t stop a stupid smile from appearing on her face at the sight of Fiona, at the feeling of her soft, warm body pressing into Seven’s side.

When, after the graduation, Fiona’s parents kicked her out for the lack of desire to follow in their footsteps and finish university to get a real profession, it felt only natural for Seven to offer that she’d stay in her house. Fiona was already spending so much time there that the transition was more than smooth. It was a temporary solution, and Fiona insisted that she’d get her own place as soon as she’d save enough money, but Seven convinced her that there was no rush. She wanted Fiona there. 

It was selfish, but when Fiona first told Seven that she didn’t want to move away for university, that she wanted to stay with the band – with her – and continue building their dream, Seven felt relieved. She would’ve never told Fiona that, would’ve never tried to sway her opinion, but she was glad that when the time came, Fiona chose her. 

Technically, when Fiona moved in, she was offered a spare room in the house, and she put her things there, but most of the time, the room itself and the bed were left vacant, because even years after it started, Fiona still preferred to fall asleep with her arms tightly wrapped around Seven. They were used to this arrangement, it felt wrong when Fiona wasn’t there when Seven was falling asleep, but no matter how much Seven wanted to pretend that nothing had changed, everything did. 

They became friends, they started to share a bed when they were just kids, and this closeness was nothing but an innocent attempt to share an even deeper bond, but as time went by, Seven started to notice how different it felt. And, what was much worse, she wasn’t the only one. Her mother didn’t comment on it, but she would give Seven a teasing look or, even worse, joke about it. Thankfully, she at least did it when Fiona couldn’t hear. The band, however, would never hold back. 

“And what will you do when Fiona finds a girlfriend?” Rowan joked once. “Will you be able to fall asleep without her?”

Seven attempted to laugh it off, but those thoughts sat heavily on her mind. Whenever she thought of Fiona with anyone, she wanted to die. She couldn’t even imagine seeing Fiona in love with someone. Someone who wasn’t her. 

It took a lot out of Seven to admit it, to accept just how horrible the position she found herself in was, but she knew that she was deeply, desperately in love with Fiona. She probably was for years, but feeling it and knowing what the feeling was were two completely different things, which left her in a very different position. 

There, lying in bed next to the person Seven had all these intense feelings for, she felt like a freak, disgusted with herself, because Fiona had no idea that while she was cuddling with Seven, her friend was experiencing something that could never be called platonic. Seven felt the softness of Fiona’s breasts pressing into her arm, she felt the warmth of Fiona’s thigh resting against her leg, and she was going crazy, feeling tightness, aching between her legs. Why did she have to be like this? Just because Fiona was gay, it didn’t mean that she was available to Seven, it absolutely didn’t mean she would ever reciprocate her feelings. Seven knew it, her mind was screaming at her to stop having irrational, erotic thoughts about Fiona, but she couldn’t stop her body’s reaction, she couldn’t stop herself from wanting.

With a light groan of frustration, Seven closed her eyes. Maybe, if she thought about something, anything else but how warm Fiona’s breath against her neck was, she would be able to stop this constant aching she felt in every part of her body. One that urged her to touch, to kiss, to explore every part of Fiona’s body in a way a friend never would. Of course, trying not to think about how horny she was only made the situation worse. 

Seven thought back to yesterday’s performance. It shouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary, they played a set they had done a dozen times before, and she felt confident nothing could go wrong, until it did. Fiona was magnetic on the stage, and Seven, just like everyone else in the small bar with sticky floors that smelled faintly of fried food, was looking at her. Fiona was playing with the crowd as her voice carried over, her smile bright and almost enticing. The song was so familiar to Seven that she barely realized she was singing the words until Fiona suddenly moved closer to her. 

They didn’t do anything like that during a rehearsal, and if they did, Seven would’ve told Fiona that it was a bad idea to add it to the show, but she was as surprised by the move as everyone else in the band was. Fiona moved closer to Seven, her expression unlike anything she had ever seen on her face. There was something sharp in her look, some naked want, and it almost made Seven lose her breath. She stuttered over the words when Fiona, without any warning, yanked Seven toward her by the belt loop of her pants, their faces getting too close as a result. Seven tried to regain her composure, she kept singing with Fiona, and all she could think about was how tempting Fiona’s lips looked in that moment, how confident and fucking hot she was. Seven didn’t want the song to end. She also wanted it to end as soon as possible so she could grab Fiona and pull her into a kiss. She could almost taste it, almost feel it. Seven would’ve put everything she felt into that kiss – all of the want, all of the love, all of the fear of being rejected, ruining everything. She was too much of a coward to execute this plan. When the song ended, Fiona playfully nudged her and stepped away, leaving Seven breathless and with desire digging even deeper into her. 

She groaned again in the silence of her room. Seven could feel her underwear turning soaking wet. Just because Fiona was sleeping next to her. If there was a way to stop it, any way, Seven would’ve used it already. With a feeling of shame so deep it made her face burn, she thought of all the times she had dealt with this problem before, alone in her room… No, that line of thought was dangerous. She couldn’t do it. At least not while Fiona was still there. 

Seven didn’t know how much longer she spent agonizing over her unrequited feelings and ignored arousal, but at some point, the sun rose over the neighborhood, and a loud sound of the alarm woke Fiona. 

“Oh, shit,” her voice was still raspy after sleep. She unwrapped herself from Seven and grabbed her phone, turning off the alarm and rubbing her eyes. “Sorry, I forgot I have a shift today. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Determined to prove to her parents she could make it on her own, Fiona was taking any job. On that morning, she had a shift at the bookstore, one of her calmer gigs. 

“It’s okay, I was awake anyway,” Seven watched as Fiona moved the blanket away and sat on the edge of the bed, her back turned to Seven, as she stretched her arms high into the air and sighed. She stood up, still looking so soft and pretty after waking up. Then Seven’s eyes slipped lower, to remind her that Fiona was sleeping in one of those expensive blue satin pajamas she used to be able to afford on her parents’ money. The way the fabric folded over her body reminded Seven about the ache she felt between her legs, and she sharply turned away, getting out of the bed as well. 

“I’ll make us breakfast, so you don’t have to worry about it,” she said quickly, trying to stop that line of thought. What was even happening to her this morning? Why couldn’t she function? 

“Sounds good,” Seven almost didn’t hear Fiona, as she made her way out of the room and into the kitchen. She had to get a grip and as soon as possible. 

Her mother left some time ago, and Seven was grateful that she wouldn’t have to deal with Lucy Duckstein’s knowing looks. She could focus on cooking, something simple and straightforward, instead of thinking about Fiona. Yes, it sounded right. It sounded healthy. But Seven would still catch herself going over and over their performance, over the way Fiona looked at her. God, if in that moment, Fiona would’ve told Seven to die for her, she would’ve given away her life without hesitation. Was it overly dramatic? Yes, it surely was. She couldn’t have such huge feelings for someone who didn’t even like her like that. For Fiona, she was just a close friend. One time, years ago, she even said they were like sisters, and Seven still internally cringed at that, realizing there was nothing familiar in a way she felt about Fiona. 

“How are you this energetic in the morning?” Fiona asked with a groan, pressing her forehead to Seven’s shoulder, stopping her from cutting the sandwich she just made. “I need like a pot of coffee for my brain to start.”

“It sounds very healthy,” Seven had to act normal, even if just this simple touch made her whole body heat up. It was a weird morning, nothing else. “You have to eat something, or you’ll get grumpy in an hour.”

Fiona groaned again, this time rubbing her cheek against Seven’s back. 

“You know me so well,” Fiona’s voice was gentle. She thought Seven was just a great friend to her, nothing else. And she was Fiona’s friend! She wanted to take care of her. She could forget about all the other things she wanted to do with Fiona, at least for some time. 

During breakfast, Seven sat at a distance from Fiona, as if putting a space between them could make the situation better. She could still look at her friend, see the way the dark green fabric of her work t-shirt was straining on her chest, or on the way her jeans were sitting so tight against her thighs. Now that was totally out of line. How could Seven live with herself knowing she objectified her best friend like this? She truly was a freak, and there was nothing she could do about it. 

“Can I steal your jacket today? It looks like it’s going to rain,” Fiona asked, propping her chin against her hand, looking mischievous and pretty. 

“You have your own jacket. And, no offense, I don’t think it’s going to fit,” Seven didn’t even mean to do it, but her eyes still dipped to Fiona’s chest against her will. 

“Because of these?” Fiona asked innocently, putting her hands on her breasts and squeezing in a way that shouldn’t have looked as hot as it did. Seven was losing it, completely. “Ugh, I guess you’re right. The curse of having a great personality and big tits.”

Fiona laughed, and Seven should’ve laughed too, but she realized it a bit too late, earning a questioning look from Fiona. 

“You should get some new jokes,” Seven pretended she just didn’t appreciate Fiona’s humor, because admitting the truth would’ve been so much worse. 

“Tough crowd,” Fiona rolled her eyes. 

She left half an hour later and, when Fiona leaned into a goodbye hug, Seven barely hugged her back, because the last thing she needed was to feel Fiona’s body fully pressing against her. 

It was a rare occasion for Seven to have a day to herself with the house empty, especially since Fiona moved in, but she knew what she had to do. There were chores on her list that had to be finished, and Seven truly tried her best to focus on those. She did the laundry, she cleaned the kitchen, but as she fulfilled those mechanical tasks, her thoughts were still about Fiona, and they still caused her to burn and ache in a way that demanded fulfillment. A few hours later, as her attempts to calm the urge failed over and over, Seven gave up. She had to deal with it, had to get rid of this desire, or she’d go crazy. And, unfortunately for her, she knew just the way to do it. 

She felt guilty about the whole affair, mostly because Seven already knew where it was going to lead and how it was going to end. Lying down in her bed was already a bad idea because the sheets were covered in the smell of Fiona, and Seven couldn’t get rid of the thoughts of her. She tried, she tried many times before to think about anyone, anything but Fiona in these moments, but her mind would still run back to her. At some point, Seven just had to admit that the only way for her to get off was to think about her best friend, and it made her feel just so much more guilty and a lot more sick. 

Seven didn’t take her loose t-shirt or shorts off. For some reason, it felt dirtier when she touched herself naked, as if she truly wanted it and it wasn’t just an attempt to get rid of this uncomfortable, wet heat she didn’t want to feel. Seven wanted to treat it like a chore, something she absolutely had to do, but the moment she put her hand under the waistband of her shorts and her underwear and felt the wetness between her legs, all the guilt was gone, if only for a short time. 

As always in these moments, Seven attempted to imagine a scenario that didn’t involve Fiona. She was so wet and so keyed up that it wouldn’t have been hard to reach release by just slowly circling her clit, but the more Seven was screaming at herself to not think about Fiona, the more thoughts about her plagued her mind. 

Fiona smiling as she was singing and looking right at Seven. Fiona pressing her body to Seven’s side, so soft and warm. Fiona undressing in front of her, not knowing that Seven was staring like a creep. That red bra looked so good on her, and Seven would’ve given away anything for a chance to press her lips to the pale, freckled skin of Fiona’s breast and suck on it, leaving a mark, letting everyone know it was her Fiona. 

Seven moaned, her hips involuntarily pushing into her hand. That’s what she truly needed. She needed Fiona so desperately that it made her lose any other train of thought. But even as she applied a subtle pressure against her clit she knew that wouldn’t be enough. Seven didn’t know why she still pretended that she didn’t know what she needed, why she wanted to look better than she was, even when no one was watching. She just couldn’t stand the thought that she’d ever be able to shamelessly enjoy this lust instead of scrutinizing herself for it. With a sigh, she pulled her wet hand out of her shorts and went to grab her phone and headphones, to put a final nail in the coffin of her pretense. She wasn’t a good person, she was a terrible friend, and she needed to get off so she could pretend that she was normal around Fiona. 

Seven scrolled through her messages with Fiona, finding the one she always went to. At this point, she should’ve saved the audio somewhere, but every time she used it, Seven kid herself with the thought she’d never do it again, and that’s why she never did. With headphones in her ears, blocking every other sound, Seven turned on the audio.

It was nothing special, just a long message Fiona sent her once, telling Seven about her long weekend with the family, but in the middle of it, as Fiona’s voice started to show how sleepy and tired she was, she’d start talking about how much she missed Seven, and that was the part that always did it to her. 

I really miss you. 

Seven’s fingers were back against her clit, spreading the wetness, touching firmly to get her where she needed to be. 

I wish you could be here. I sleep so much better with you next to me. 

A whimper left Seven’s lips, her hips lifting slightly, as her fingers dipped lower, teasing her entrance. She never knew which fantasy did it for her more – the one where she was the one touching Fiona, fucking her and listening to her moans, or where it was the other way around. At some point, as she would get lost in the heat, they’d mix, giving Seven just what she needed. 

You look so cute in the morning, I love to see you still sleepy and confused. 

Seven moaned deeply as she fucked herself with her fingers, her face burning, her lips dry. With how aroused she was all morning, it didn’t take long to push her to the edge, and part of her was grateful for it. The knot in her stomach was tightening, her legs trembling. She could feel it so close. 

“Fiona, please,” she could barely hear her own voice behind the sound of the voice in her headphones. Seven didn’t know what she was asking for. Fiona, please, come for me. Fiona, please, let me come. She wanted both. Seven wanted to experience it again and again, not in a fantasy, in reality. “Fiona.”

The next sound Seven heard was something out of her nightmare. 

“Oh my god,” these words were said in one breath, followed by the loud sound of the door closing. 

Seven felt as if a bucket of ice-cold water had just poured over her, dread filling her body. She yanked the headphones off and sat on the bed, looking at the closed door of her bedroom. No, this didn’t just happen. Her worst nightmare didn’t just become a reality. 

“Fiona,” she called quietly, hoping beyond hope that what just happened wasn’t true. But she couldn’t be this lucky. 

“I’m sorry,” yes, it was real. It was very much real, and Seven didn’t know what to do about it because everything inside her twisted with nerves at the thought of how she looked just a moment ago when Fiona walked in on her. She was so screwed. “They let me leave early, and I didn’t think… I’m so sorry!”

Of course, it would happen to her. No surprise there. Seven knew she shouldn’t have done it, and her gut was right to tell her that. 

“It’s okay,” it wasn’t okay, but Seven wasn’t going to stir something in hopes that they could just ignore everything that happened, everything Fiona saw. “I didn’t know you’d be here this early.”

It sounded reasonable. They were adults! She was allowed to masturbate in her room. Fiona probably felt terrible and awkward for walking in on her. Seven tried to rationalize it, tried to find a way out of this terror, but, somehow, the situation still got worse. 

“You… you said my name,” Fiona sounded unsure, but that didn’t help Seven feel any less dread. 

She couldn’t find the right words, her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth. She was so deeply terrified she couldn’t even move. No, no, Fiona couldn’t know that she was like this, that Seven wanted her, that she was touching herself and thinking about Fiona on her fingers. 

“I didn’t,” it sounded unconvincing, strangled, but Seven couldn’t say anything else. Words were just getting stuck in her throat, and thoughts refused to form. 

Then the third worst thing of the day happened. The door of Seven’s room cracked open, and Fiona stepped in. The look on her face showed complete focus. Seven only ever saw her looking like that during their writing sessions, when nothing existed for Fiona but the music. She took another step in, and Seven wanted to crawl into a ball, very aware of the fact that Fiona had just seen her in a state of complete surrender to her desires. 

“I heard you say my name,” Fiona took another unsure step forward. She was in Seven’s bedroom so many times before, she should’ve felt comfortable in the space, but Fiona suddenly acted like a stranger, measuring her every step carefully. “Did you… did you think about me when you...?”

She couldn’t even say it. That was it, Fiona finally saw that Seven was a freak, a pervert. Fiona thought she was a friend, she trusted her, and she… Seven didn’t know what she expected to happen next, but she knew that Fiona would never want to have her in her life again, and it hurt so deeply she could barely breathe. 

“Yes,” lying would’ve only made the situation worse, Seven knew it. Her worst nightmare had already happened, there was no point in trying to stop the crash and fall. “But I would never… It doesn’t mean anything…”

Seven felt her lips trembling, her eyes burning. That’s it, she was going to lose her best friend because she did something unforgivable. Fiona still looked awkward in the middle of the room, her arms pressed to her sides, and Seven expected her to storm away at any moment. Instead, an unsure, shy smile appeared on Fiona’s face as she took another step forward. 

“I… I think about you too,” Fiona said, with nervous laughter. “This is super awkward, right?”

Seven felt her jaw drop. Even if she wished for Fiona to say those words, they were the last thing she expected to hear. Before Seven could think of something intelligent to say, Fiona got closer. She got onto the bed, her knees pressing into the mattress, as she looked down at Seven. And then she leaned to Seven, bringing their faces closer. She didn’t know what to do, she forgot how to breathe, and the internal panic brewing in her was of an entirely different kind. 

“Is it…” Fiona looked shy, adorable, her cheeks burning pink. Seven shuddered when she felt a palm resting against her stomach. “Can I touch you like that?” 

Once again, Seven’s brain refused to work. It was a situation she had imagined so many times, and yet she wasn’t prepared for it to happen. It took her a while to see a slight panic on Fiona’s face, and she finally nodded. A smile Seven saw was worth everything and then some. 

“Okay,” Fiona’s voice wavered. 

Seven could only see her face in front of her when she felt Fiona’s hand slip where her own palm had been only a few minutes ago. The two couldn’t compare, those touches weren’t even close in their impact. The moment Seven felt Fiona’s fingers slip against her clit, her legs fell wide open, and a moan dropped off her lips. That seemed to give Fiona more confidence. 

“Are you always this wet? Or only when you think about me?” the teasing was light, harmless, but it still made Seven feel shy. 

“Only for you,” she could barely talk, barely breathe. Fiona was there, touching her, wanting her. Wasn’t it everything Seven ever wanted? And it felt so fucking good. 

“I’m flattered,” Fiona grinned. 

Seven did her best not to let her eyes shut close. She wanted to see Fiona, needed to see her because she still couldn’t believe it wasn’t a dream. Those were Fiona’s fingers pressing against her clit, teasing her with slow motions, and the pleasure she felt was stronger than anything Seven had ever felt in her life. She wasn’t entirely inexperienced, but those few encounters she had were with the girls she cared little for were nothing in comparison to Fiona… Because it was Fiona. 

“Does this feel good?” she almost sounded worried. 

“Yes, it feels amazing,” Seven nodded. She would’ve confessed to any crime just to make sure she’d continue to feel Fiona’s touch. 

“Do you want me inside of you?” Fiona pressed against where Seven’s fingers had been not that long ago, and her hips pushed forward, seeking that touch. “Is that a ‘yes’?”

Seven should’ve felt embarrassed at how open and needy she was for Fiona, but there was no shame left in her, only want. If she were honest, Seven wanted Fiona to see how much she wanted her, how much she needed her. If Fiona saw it, maybe she would stay with Seven forever. 

“Yes,” Seven whimpered helplessly. 

She was instantly rewarded with a sensation of Fiona’s fingers pushing into her, fucking her the way she always dreamed about. There was no more self-control to lose. Seven moaned shamelessly and loudly, helpless to stop herself. She was so close, so sensitive, and it only got worse when she felt Fiona’s lips against her mouth. 

Seven almost wanted to laugh – that’s how their first real kiss happened. Nowhere close to the romantic fantasy she had in her head. Fiona was greedily licking into her mouth while fucking Seven. And, if she was honest, a kiss did it for her much more than sex. 

Desperate sounds she made died down between their mouths as Seven felt just how tightly she was pressing around Fiona’s fingers. Did she like it? Did she enjoy feeling how badly Seven wanted her? Did Fiona like owning her? Because that’s what it was. Seven belonged to her, she always did, but in that moment, Fiona could actually feel it. Did she want to keep her? 

“That was fast,” Fiona smiled as she pulled away from the kiss. Seven was still in a daze, feeling soft, caressing motions of Fiona’s hand against her slit. 

“It’s your fault,” Seven hummed softly. She didn’t feel embarrassed about it. The things Fiona did to her body, to her mind, weren’t normal, and she didn’t want to act like they were. 

“I think it's yours, actually. You started without me,” Fiona laughed, kissing her softly once more. It was a dream, the best dream ever, it couldn’t be anything else. Seven couldn’t be this lucky. 

“Fiona,” Seven’s voice was weak as she tried to push her nerves down. She met the warm brown eyes of the girl she loved. “If you want this to just be fun and casual, I don’t think I can do that.”

She hated to hear the pleading in her voice, but that’s what it was. Seven would’ve begged if she knew it would help her stay with Fiona. 

“That’s good to know,” Fiona pulled her hand away from between Seven’s legs, leaving her feeling even more vulnerable. “Because I don’t want casual with you. I want everything with you.” 

Seven’s smile was so wide she was sure it was going to crack her face open. 

“I want everything with you, too,” she sat on the bed, excitement overtaking her completely. Forget her birthday, christmas and every other holiday. This was the best day of her life. “Oh, I should make you come too.”

“Should?” Fiona laughed, watching Seven grab at the front of her t-shirt. “You make it sound like you want to repay for a favor.”

Seven shook her head, feeling happy and excited like never before. 

“I want you, so fucking much. You have no idea how good it feels to finally say it,” Seven smiled, so ready to turn her every fantasy into reality. 

“I want you too,” Seven never thought just words could make her shudder. “Go for it. Show me how much you want me.”

It was a request Seven was very happy to fulfill. She wanted to go slow, she wanted to enjoy every moment, but she was too impatient for that. She was switching between taking Fiona’s clothes off, kissing her, and caressing more skin, opening to her view. Naked, Fiona looked exactly the way Seven always imagined – perfect. And the sounds she made when Seven kissed her body sounded better than any song they ever wrote. 

Lying between Fiona’s legs, eating her pussy, Seven felt like her head was finally empty. No unwanted thoughts, no fears or worries. There was only Fiona, only her, and Seven wanted to do everything in her power to make sure she made it worth Fiona’s time. Make sure she would want her again. 

“Seven,” Fiona sounded desperate for her, and Seven felt proud and overjoyed. 

Seven wanted to taste Fiona in her mouth forever, so she kept running her tongue over the throbbing bud of her clit over and over, feeling just how good she made Fiona feel. It was the only reward Seven needed. She kept licking and sucking on Fiona’s clit, unable to stop herself from getting more, until Fiona, whining in oversensitivity, pushed her head away. 

“Sorry,” Seven licked her lips, savoring the taste. 

Fiona looked gorgeous with her eyes glassy and watering, her chest and face covered in pink blush. Seven didn’t think she could love her more, but maybe she could. 

“Come here.”

Fiona pulled her closer, until Seven’s head was resting against her chest. 

“Rowan is going to be insufferable,” Fiona exhaled, making both of them laugh. 

“Yes, but it’s worth it,” Seven moved up Fiona’s body just to give her another kiss. And one more. And more. She knew she’d never have enough, not in this lifetime.