poetry in slow motion

The bees are out in force again

There'll be no heaven in an hour

Paradise sounds nice and all

If we had the power

But we don't

So we shamble from post to moving post

We can't find footing

Firm in its form

We slide down on bended knees

We can't avoid the harm

There's no peace from all the wickedness

As long as we go on

But we go on

That each breath was borrowed time that I stole

Somehow I'd turned into a villain

Forgotten by all that's good in the world

Well, my memories are all worthless when I can't look back in peace

I thought I could be lonely if you're happy

I've been forgiven for forgetting who I am

Forgive me still for the sin of just not knowing

How to recognize my footprints in the sand

The time's grown longer

In its sorry, troubled face

I've been staring

Worried I'd just grow used to the borrowed past

Since it hurts my weary eyes when I face westward

There's not a day set I am made yet to outlast

It's just one more step into the foxhole

One more dive behind the bar

As I wait for all the gunshots ringing out to settle

I'm sure as hell sure that heads will roll

I will find myself anew

After the pitchforks have all but retired

I'll come back running to you

After the world has ended twice over

I just know that a third time won't do

I'll find my place in the hereafter

Breaking all that I once was mending

Hopelessly in love with tragedy

It's the only thing that's ever stuck with me

Kept up with me

Called me on my birthday

The rest of everyone must have been busy that day

I make excuses the norm

I don't talk when I pray

I keep it quiet between me and whoever dares to listen

For all I know I could be calling dead ends

But that's just me

Once too sweet

Fell out of the ugly tree

Fell in line with the tumbleweeds

It's not that I wanted

It's that it was all that was left that was free

But I limp on bruised ego

Like wherever that stench is there we go

It smells like missed showers

Skipping meals

I haven't breathed out for hours

And sure it's a mess

I know it best

But I know where all my bullshit is

If you come in and touch it

I can't move until the update

Lord knows when that'll be

Not like the good Lord has ever gone and told me

So know, I'm patently not fine

I'm still stuck here

When there's no more light

Where the wind growls quiet

As if I might die

Because I feel I might

Begging to be let in

How much longer must I keep my head down

How much longer must I keep a lookout

Nothing's going perfectly to plan

They smudge and fade

All the once good will go away

It's not much of a fair deal or trade

But that's the way

It's seeming

I've been breathing on the glass

Drawing in the frost real fast

Secrets that will come and pass

Or maybe I'm still dreaming

But when I think about you now

That you turned away from me and how

I feel relief that I am somehow dead to you

Don't think about me

Spiraling downward

Never wonder if I'm okay

Let the paint dry

Then burn the canvas

The power flickers faintly

My clock turns back to 12:00

I don't know when I'll reset it

I have a million problems

I have no more bedfellows

Even in my dreams I cannot think of anything

Except for struggling quite limply

How the monsters can outpace me

And I feed a hundred thousand ghosts

With what's left of what's left of my body

After I have carved it open

But does that mean I deserve this

Just because it's so expected

I want to go to sleep one night and dream of happy things

I don't know just what they are

On everything

I'm about to slip

I'm about to trip off of the curb

Into mud

It's been so long since I've felt the love

In the cold

Doubled over

Growing old

Though the line is moving slowly

I can't hear the screams below

The winding stairs before me

My knees hurt

My feet are sore

I can't take this much for that much more

I'm about to jump the railing for the fuck of it

Then I'll plummet

Bypass the bullshit

Bite the bullet

I'm stuck in a circus

Always forced to perform

Every time I fall

I hear laughter

At least someone's happy after the after

But I am bruised and broken

I've finally stopped thrashing

Every now and then I dive

Hoping I've been tricked by the trick

That maybe I'm not fucked

Only to be jerked back to the surface

Forced to face my luck

How the needlenose pliers might await me

Somewhere beyond the boundary

Where I'll either be freed

Thrown back to the water

Or buried in an ice chest

Letting the cold take me quickly

Either way, this is an ending

I'll never eat my favorite food again

I fed the frogs there with the fish who died

I didn't think it through

As is the way of life

But those fish are dead and gone

Seals me deeper in denial

How could I ever come out unscathed

When I'm bleeding from my mouth

Recovery is a dream

But I can't get to sleep to find it

What's worse I can't wake from that blink

When the time finally comes

I've got bad days

Weaknesses

Heartache

I can't outstretch my hand any further now

But I'll drown

If left alone

If I go any further down

I'll burn out

There's no hope waiting back home for me now

So I turn my back against the dark

Cover up and cradle the lowly spark

I breathe its life

In the silence

Where my heart beats

Quiet whispers

Moving shadows

Tired starshine

Moonlit child

All alone

Cast your dark eyes

Look through the books

Laid on the floor

Find a new place