poetry in slow motion

I tore my muscle open

I skinned my shin

I hurt myself again

I didn't mean to

But it seems meant to be

It's like there's some punishment always saved somewhere for me

Now I am weak

Broken in spirit and heart

Doing my best

But not doing my part

I can't manage anything

And I've heard of boys before

With your grubby hands

You grasped at my bedroom door

Eyes full of tears

You could not show anyone

But I was a nobody

As long as you left soon as I was done

Healing your heart with spare tape

Nails, tacks, and yarn

Filling your soul full of trinkets

After all, what could be the harm

But now it's been some years

And I've been left alone

I don't want you to suffer

Just break a few bones

So I have a reason to visit

To fix it

Where the pain was once before

A memory is stuck to me

I'd cut a hole around it in full

Dig that piece right out of me

But under all the scabs and bruises

Are hurts and fears I can't forget

Something's seriously wrong with who I was

That I haven't fixed just yet

And I've been told that Hell is still other people too

But Hell has always been a part of me that I shouldn't have shown you

I'm stressed to just be sitting here

Ruminating in the dark

Lost in the cycle's churning

Let it destroy all we can't yet harm

Watch it fall into the ocean in throes

We'll sing along with its voice as it goes

We'll harmonize

Step in time

With the death of our foe

We will reap all that it's sewed

Echoing into me

Soft in my chest

Filling my lungs

So my words are rounded too

When they touch you

Able to calm

Where it all went wrong

Until it rights

And you can stay the long, long night

After the waves bore down

Knocked the wind from my lungs

Made me let my voice out

I breathed saltwater for far too long

Then I washed ashore

Where my heart calls home

My bed would be made

My pajamas on

I could sleep soundly

Settled squarely against your heart

Playing that lullaby

The one that I hum each night

Falling away from me

I am not who I was

Or who I was meant to be

I'm lost in your soul

I'm a hundred lost things

Each one still missing

And needed for fitting

But I am a broken up mirror

Seven years of bad luck

If I were lucky

That would be enough

But I'm tripping over black cats

Diving under ladders

Stepping on cracks

There's no place for me lately

There's no turning back

To where I felt at home

I am sadly still crying

Soaked to the bone

But the tides may be turning

The bay is laid bare

There's death on the sands

From all that's left there

And I feel kinship with the stillness

It settles in me

There's something quite wrong

For loving so recklessly

Moving hot pans while they're still on fire

Rather than leaving the kitchen to burn down the house

I find myself looking in mirrors at strangers

People I once was

The fingerprints of others left in the clay of my face

I wonder what I really look like

Under it all

If it really matters since nobody sees it

Where does their touch end then begin in my secret

I've been forgiven

After straying from the path

To pet the strays and find a cat

Having reached out to the ferals

I've been raked over coals

Bent over barrels

Thrown into the sea

Weights tied on

Sinking me

But I've stumbled my way home

Colder than cold

Soaked to the bone

And found you waiting, lantern on

So warm me now by the fire

Ask me about my travels and ire

I'll tell you all that I can't let go

And if tonight's the end of me

Not letting anyone in

I've been watching Survivor all week

When one of them fails or falls

I feel it all

The way that it hurt at its peak

I don't think I've broken a bone

But standing up hurts more than I know

So I'm hobbling in-between habitable zones

With an outlook a little too bleak

But I've been hoping I'll heal before long

With every step

It's two steps back

And something's gone so terribly wrong

There's a long way from here to being okay

But I'm hoping each night I'm slowly making it right

That I'll get back to the pace of my life

When the fear comes

When the joy hits

When you feel all alone

Hold my hand through it all

I will pull you through the clinging dark

Into where the shadows don't reach

Somewhere holy

Heavenly

Don't ask me how I'll get there

I can only find it when you're holding on tight

Things will be alright

Things will be fine

With the wickedness in me

The afflictions I have gathered

Drowning in the sea

Without shore or lifeboat

With the sharks out in the cold

The shock had nearly killed me

But I lived to spite the world

And I kicked my feet

I dug down deep

The sun bit down on me

So when I was saved I didn't pray

I gave my sympathies

That I was unworthy

That I was unhappy

That I was born to die

But the sailor looked me over

Said that it's quite alright

Just hold on to the railing

Find your sea legs once again

Dry your hair and clothes, my friend

Whatever happens don't fall in

Because you're alive

I've climbed out by my nails

I'm bleeding in my eyes

But I cannot fail

I swore I'd see you

I got your letters

The ones you threw out

Thought gone forever

And when the storm does come

To take your home up by its roots

I will be waiting there

Feet planted so firmly there are roots through my soles

I realize that all I know is nothing

Not even what I want

Not even at the simplest of times

I am stunned by choice and consequence

Fear that there will be left evidence

Of the fuck up I have now become

And I think I might still think too much

Considering I don't consider the good and such

Just the bad that might someday come my way

I mean, can there be any good for one like me

Who navigates the world so hatefully

Gets lost in the minutiae infinitely

Afraid that there's a coming and a going growing pain

Messed up the worst of my intentions

Things ended better off

Sometimes you don't need to hold onto the awful stuff

It's strange and it's familiar but it'll burn you up

Still I'm taking four more ibuprofen

Laid in bed

Heating pad sat on my stomach

Wet washcloth stretched across my head

And I hope I'll come out better

When the worst is done

I don't have every piece of me lingering anymore