𝐸𝒩𝒢𝐸𝐿 .

ENGEL ou ELI . 25yrs smoke watch eye . +

he it or neos . a fictive of elquackity qsmp + purgatory

extremely dry & lacks basic empathy . int w caution

and even when i started splitting on her, even when my mind told me she didn’t care about anything or what was happening, she took it upon herself to still check and see if i was okay. she let me know she was there.

i need a long hug, a long embrace, a long hold.

i appreciate her for being my outlet when i fall and can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. it’s happening again, i can’t talk to my brother or sister, i couldn’t bring myself to talk with friends and my current caretakers. i’m preparing for the worse, and i think she’s trying to help me.

across the universe .

yesterday i slipped , today i’m trying not to slip . i think they should free me from stressful days and feelings in general , just a thought .

it truly is , glad that we are friends. :)

i can make you feel alive — i know , but do i need you to survive ?

oh! i’m not hungry actually, actually get that out of my face. oh i’m going to throw up. ohh i feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

you would think that, after years we had gotten over it, we told ourselves in what, june? that we’d be over it. that we wouldn’t yearn anymore. that we could finally be free.

all we do is go in an endless cycle, an endless spiral.

i hate that when i go home to my siblings and they’re super affectionate with me i immediately push them away or off of me . why are you standing so close . why are you in my bubble . why are your arms squeezing around me so tightly and why aren’t you letting go the second i start pushing away . why do you have to pet me or hold onto my shoulders . fuck this family shit gets serious , i’m out .

sometimes i wish life in the federation — growing up under it , i wish i wasn’t the way that i am . but that’s weak of me to admit , that’s stooping low .

if i ponder too much about masking as quackity , or acting like quackity , if it meant being seeing more friendly , more emotional , more empathetic . not so monotone , not so emotionless , not so dreadful and sabotaging . it makes me mad . i wish i were more my own person , someone everyone liked without batting an eye , without the connections . if i were more friendly , more willingly to do things & not act . if i didn’t have horrible intentions or bad tendencies , maybe i could be more likable , maybe people would want to talk to me more and more . i can mask . i could change . i just don’t think i should have to .

even given the basic care , it’s not like it was actual love and respect — i followed in order , if i was out of line i was punished . i picked up on the basic speech . if i showed too much emotion , if i wasn’t monotone enough , they’d take my feathers .

i guess i’m home , in a way .

it’s a pity when i call out for you , someone i held so dearly , someone i told my thoughts , now you’re gone and my head tells me you’ll never look for me . don’t you see what you did ?

i blink , wrapped up in her arms , she’s cooing — running her hands through my hair , trying to get me to calm down , to let me know that’s she’s there and i’m being taken care of . she’s rocking back and forth , singing to me , trying her best to put me to sleep .

i look down , my grip that was once hostile is now gripping for comfort , a grip that held so much anger and resentment is now gripping for reality , for something to hold .

i miss being your little one . you took better care of me out of everyone , and now that i’m here , i seek you out , i wait for the next time i can be in your hold , that i can be wrapped in your arms . that i can feel safe , that i can remember . i miss being cared for in that way .

sincerely , golden duck .

people giving me the slightest attitude makes me want to trip them . i will block someone tonight . i am full of hatred , i want to throw something at someone’s head .